I need someone to kiss and hold...

...and who will lick me all over and help me shave all my 2000 parts...and to overall ravage me...

...One thing is certain - if I had been able to look into my future at age 23 when I was suicidal, I would have gone ahead with it and would not be here now. Why am I holding on so tightly this time? I have no reason to believe that my life will ever be any different than it is right this moment.

David is sick...

...and puking.

Oh, GREAT!

We're going to add a period of inability to orgasm (better be short!) to the list of my current stressors?
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Really?

Humans in Training, by Jay D Allen

Jesse you'd love this book. This guy is in my mens' group and the lightbearers group. He gave a talk tonight and reinforced or validated something that I have been trying to communicate for some time. Namely, that one of the most, if not *the* most important things that you get from a loving relationship or friendship is the ability to express yourself at a much higher rate of vibration, at a more ecstatically enjoyable level, than you do with just any old relationship or acquaintance.

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So, as a result of this process, you begin to have clarity about things in life as a result of interactions with loving people, and you can carry this knowledge over into other areas of your life as well.

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I have referred to it many times as that "mirror" that reflects back to you from those you love. It's not pretty sometimes. But they give you the chance to work on it. AWESOME stuff.

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When is the last time I told you how much I love you? That's too long. The mirror that is provided by loved ones is very valuable and volatile. It can show you things you might rather not know. And doing the work is hard. I want to be sure to constantly thank those dear to me for the loving mirrors they provide because it is a tough job they have.

Raising the communication bar?

I was lying in my bed last night thinking that I wish I could communicate well what was on my mind. So, I am going to give it a shot.

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I wanted to find out if I could get everyone I know involved in a new style of communication. One that, no matter what you are experiencing, would seek to communicate from the heart chakra, so no matter what you are experiencing (in my case, pain, depression, loneliness, touch deprivation, in Jesse's case high stress levels, exhaustion, frustration, just for the sake of example), all parties can get the most out of each interaction, no matter how brief.

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So for example, take me personally - how can I raise the bar for my communications? When blessed with the presence of another, I will take a deep breath, touch my heart chakra if necessary to open it and to focus there, smile, look at the person directly, and make certain that they know that my words are heartfelt. I want my communications to make others feel as though they are highly valued.

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I want each of my communications to be the most ecstatic, most highly vibrating, most exciting, most loving experience, with the intention of serving the highest good for all involved! Always! I want my communications to match my inner experience! I want everyone to remain certain, no matter what, that Love is the most important thing! To hold everyone in a loving engagement while communicating can only help to raise their vibration! As well as your own!

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I am also very interested these days in "counting the blessings" so to speak, or consciously assessing what IS working right, what IS going well, what IS helping me feel good, rather than focus on anything that brings me down. It's a tough project, but I AM determined! And I welcome assistance if you see me faltering!

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In other words, WE HAVE THE POWER to change our perception and our experience.

http://eternalgodliness.punt.nl/?r=1&id=480836

"This interactive patterning of energy is not something that human beings are generally aware of, yet it is something that will become more conscious as each soul comes to understand and care about the effect that they have on the surrounding environment. This level of awareness and of responsibility can only occur, however, when an individual consciousness feels linked to the greater whole. Such a perceived connection then motivates the further purification of each and every thought and action that would have a deleterious effect on that whole.

As long as human beings were not conscious of their effect on others and did not perceive themselves to be part of a greater unity, such an effect could be treated indifferently or carelessly. It is only when relationships are perceived in their full measure of interconnectedness, that the resonant patterning of energies becomes a primary means of regulating both what is shared with others, and what is put forth in order to attract the desirable to oneself."

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LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

Panic attack averted!

I am finally awake 18 hours after taking multiple pills to induce sleep so that I would not have to suffer through yet another panic attack about being alone for the rest of my life, etc., and so on. This was the first time I intentionally set out to sleep my way through one of the attacks, and it was successful to a degree! At least I did not have to suffer the heartache of sleeplessness during such an awful mental and emotional state.

The Global Brain

Numerology and Personality

http://victoriahelm.com/ptest.html

I am a number 1, "Independent, original, dominant, leader, pioneer, alone"

Personality Test
How to arrive at one of your many personality traits using your birthday!
1. Simply add birth month, day and year (add each digit singularly).
Your birthday: November 28, 1941
1+1 2+8 1+9+4+1 = 27
2. Reduce total to one digit.
2+7 = 9 personality trait
Examples: March, 5, 1955
3+ 5+ 1+9+5+5 = 28
2+8 = 10 1+0 = 1 personality trait
July, 12, 1932
7+ 1+2+ 1+9+3+2 = 25
2+5 = 7 personality trait
Meanings of each personality trait:
1. Independent, original, dominant, leader, pioneer, alone
2. Peacemaker, detail, sensitive, relationships important,
3. Expression, artistic, creative, child like, social contacts, joy
4. Organization, disciplined, practical, worker, logical, reliable
5. Freedom, change, variety, social, sensual, experience, excessive
6. Responsible, home, love, family, service to others, adjustment
7. Knowledge, mental, spiritual, introspection, perfection, aloneness
8. Money, management, business, ambition, stamina, control, efficient
9. Universal, jack of all trades, humanitarian, emotional, artistic, limitless

Prayer to Create a Mate

Beloved Divine Mother, Babaji, Ammachi, Metatron, Divine Mother over all, holy spirit and all the angels and good forces necessary:
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I come before you this day and pray
Angel, with all my heart and soul and mind, to request humbly that I now receive into my life the mate to whom my love belongs, the mate of my being. Bring forth anything that I have not looked at in myself that would prevent me from receiving this now. Bring it all forward and let me work on it now. I call forth all my unfinished business so that I may finish it, so I will be ready to meet the mate of my being.
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I ask for this divine dispensation in the name of Christ, and I accept this as done, as is thy will.
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My beloved subconscious mind, I hereby ask and command that you take this thought from prayer with all my Mana to Vital force necessary to demonstrate this prayer to God the source of our being.
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BREATHE 3 DEEP BREATHS
Beloved presence of God, Assembled Masters of God,Let the rain of blessing fall.
THANK YOU. AMEN
http://www.sondraray.com/mother.html

Quote of the Day

"Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend."

--Plautus

The Value of Love and Life’s Journey… By Ishi

http://people.tribe.net/82dd9381-8a1f-453d-9138-385af4ce7413/blog?topicid=e45d1ac9-35f4-44ee-8984-71bb37a546e2

The “Life” of Love We, who are alive, are made of the same stuff, come from the same place, and will return to the unknown eventually. We all realize at some point in our lives, how much we love life. We will do anything to get love in our lives. We try many tactics, most of which leave us unsatisfied and emotionally drained. This simple fact creates much confusion and turmoil, leaving us with mountains of inner and outer conflicts to sort out or run from. The inner battleground turns into our outer warfare.
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Yet, all we want, is to be loved and respected in life. How does that turn into all this distortion we feel, sense, and perceive? Is it possible, that what we have to offer life, is our own distorted love? The energy we radiate infuses our words and actions with meaning, speaking to our whole selves louder then words or actions could. What do we truly radiate energetically, with our actions and words? Is it that which we seek? What we offer each other, is what we experience. We can all see the proof of it around us, when we choose to see! When we offer distortion, we see confusion. When we speak clearly from our hearts, others respond insightfully. Entrainment of perceptions is always affecting our interactions, for we affect others more then we will ever know.
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Most of the time we don’t know what we have, till we loose it, and learn to value what we had clearly. For a lack of a better word, love is what we see as the connectedness between us, for in our universe all the components support the whole function, from an atom to a galaxy. When one component crumbles, everything else compensates to retain balance. So, if we come from the energy of love, and return to undistorted/unconditional love, life is a journey through the distortion, to learn how to value love. We have to forget love temporally to understand it completely. When we with-hold our love, or distort it, we do not hurt others much, really we just tell them to back off while we hurt ourselves tremendously. Our numerous self-inflicted wounds, that we try to heal through inflicting more wounds, that we cover up with apathy.
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The remedy is simple, we already have it in our hearts eternally. Undistorted/unconditional love and support is our aim through our journey. That is what life have to offer, the discovery of what we have to offer, the value of what we come from and return to eventually.

Meet Lucifer.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

FROM THE JULY 2009 SURF REPORT

http://www.nvisible.com/

As we enter July, many of us feel like trees that have been ripped out of the ground and uprooted. Our roots are no longer firmly planted in our old lives. Instead, they now reside in burlap sacks, ready to be moved to our new, truer locations. What we most want is to replant our roots into new ground, stretch them out, expand our branches, then birth our flowers and fruit.
Because of this, we can expect many outer changes this month. July's focus is on completion of the old and integration of the New. The energies this month will help us to bring many expired aspects of our lives to resolution.
Since we are now traveling on a totally new map, everything requires a new set of navigational skills. One of our main priorities in July is to learn, as quickly as possible, how to navigate our new internal landscape. We need to bring forth our new beings into the remnants of our old lives, thus transforming them so they turn inside out and release us to move into the brilliant New Lives that are waiting for us.
Helpful qualities at this time for navigating the new map are enhanced intuition, calm patience, an expanded perspective and the realization that everything is happening in its perfect timing. We must let go of the false sense of control over things that we no longer have any control over. We need to be cautious of overusing our mental bodies by too much analyzing, planning and worrying. Although it may be uncomfortable, it's important to allow things to be unpinned and formless during our transition from the old to the New. We don't have to impatiently try to force things into form or definition. Instead, we can allow everything to settle naturally into their new positions.
On the new map we have to develop new ways of seeing to perceive where we are. It's similar to a computer game where we have to move the curser to the exact, right spot to discover what is really there. Or tilt the angle of a hologram to see the hidden picture that is embedded within it. Each time that we do this, something new is revealed.
When we embody PURE HEART LOVE, we enter a heightened frequency band of Trueness. This is like a super light speed expressway and it's here right now, available to all of us. This is what we are meant to travel on rather than the bumpy, drama filled, challenging road of duality. Traveling on the frequency band of Trueness and PURE HEART LOVE is what will take us into the places where we are most meant to be, where we can fulfill our Wildest Dreams.

You Are Your Brothers' Keepers

http://goldsalchemy.blogspot.com/2009/07/you-are-your-brothers-keepers.html

Through Shellee-Kim Gold

Goodday beloved people of earth. I trust you are flowing well with the changes now starting to make their presence felt in your world. Today I would like to address the qualities of integrity, ethics and morality in human expression. We have noted that there is much consternation about the state of your world. When you have those at the top of the food chain on your world encouraging the qualities of greed and dishonesty, its not really much to wonder about. Yet, away from the grasp of the Dark controllers of your world, it is still within your own power to shift your consciousness. Many have been sent to your realm to help you with the beginnings of this great vibrational change and time. Yet there is much work for you to accomplish, which we are unable to do for you. I am talking here of what it means to be a truly upstanding citizen and human being. What is the point of working yourself out, as you are all doing, if you do not consider your brothers and sisters in the process? I’m particularly speaking of those many less fortunate, ill, vulnerable and those without a voice. How much or little do you feel that your fellow man is your responsibility? Why is it that so few continue to do the work of so many – as in the work of charitable practices and causes? Your personal upliftment is not only about you, after all. You are a single society, a single humanity. And while the Dark has instigated numerous measures to continue to poison you with prejudices against each other, it is time to see through this also. You cannot be a spiritual being having a successful human experience without the morals and ethics that go along with that. And many of the voiceless need your assistance. This is not to say: go rushing off to join the next movement for or against some cause, become an activist or turn into a guilt-riddled individual and open your purse at every turn and without discernment. Or to accept someone’s energy into your space if they’re soliciting against your will. This is to say: the more you are aligned to your soul selves, the more naturally and equally these qualities will manifest through you. Opening yourself to the needs of others becomes exactly how you would like others to open to you in your own hour of need. As sensitivity is needed to view your life by outsiders to truly empathise with it, so this is the exact quality needed for you to view the lives of others.

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It is no good preaching heaven on earth to others or being inspired in listening to others speak of this, when it is not accompanied by an honest desire to be of service to others. And not just in the way that you have perceived your service should be. I’m speaking here not only of those who are involved in healing work of one type or another. Or those who see themselves as Lightworkers in whichever manner they practice expressing this. I’m speaking here of opening to and activating one of the most essential and natural parts of yourself. Not practiced or contrived, but being truly aware of the needs of others. Giving unconditionally has often been confused with giving as a means of bartering. ‘If I do or give that then such-and-such will come back to me because I’m creating ‘good karma’, you might say to yourself. Or you might long ago have set up an associated belief with this and so do it rather automatically now. Or you might restrict this type of interaction to certain situations and people. And perhaps outside of such contexts, empathizing and being sensitive to the needs of others might cease to exist for you.

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I would rather draw your attention to truly trying to put yourself in the person’s shoes who’s standing in front of you and addressing you – whoever they might be, wherever it may be and whenever. It matters not whether they’re an individual clothed in business garments or a ragged, homeless one. What is it they’re feeling? Without defensively rejecting it outright, can you try to be there with them in that, without taking on what belongs to them? Or developing a judgement about them? This is the art of true empathy. It is not driven by anything except the desire to be of service and of help to other humans, outside of your regular sphere. It, like much else in the human understanding and expression, becomes complicated due to humans’ fragmented selves. And so we compartmentalize and assist others where and when it suits us and depending on whether they fit into the boxes of our definition of deservedness. To care for others in the way you look out for yourself is the way forward. And what all societies and civilization wishing to go forward into a state of collective harmony do do. It is unfortunate that many feel that their brand of giving leads to a more spiritually-rewarded life. True ethics, morality and integrity lived from the (whole) heart of humankind has the power to be an infectious force for such collective good. As you grow into this natural state of being and expressing, by your interactions and re-actions with those in need can you monitor your own abilities at being in a state of authentic empathy. Living true ethics, morality and integrity are as much a natural part of your soul self’s expression as breathing to survive in the physical body is.

LIVE TO LOVE

great shifts are upon you now…
there is much, much light
coming from within you…
yes
You are the central sun…
the extender of love…
the giver of love’s expression
yes
you are that ONE…
this process you find yourself to be in
is one of letting go of the little self
to expand the true SELF…
yes
this is your purpose
this is what the ascension is all about…
letting go of the little self
you simply made in error
to support your belief
that you are not now
ONE WITH ME…
SO…..if this be so
and I KNOW THAT IT IS…
what must then take place
for you to once again
be home…be in heaven
even while you still find yourself
to be in a body???
what must take place
is the releasing of the
little self….
that one that judges, fears…
carries guilt…shame
and all the children of these
beliefs…….
you have created worlds upon worlds
from these beliefs…
yet none of them
none of them are true…
you are perfect and complete now…
so what must take place
to return home to your true state…
your being ness of eternal bliss
within the ONE MIND…???
a retraining of the mind…
yes, this is the only way
to retrain your mind
to “see only love”
this training…
the seeing “only love”
no matter what appears
in your perception
is what brings you home…
as gods expression in form
nothing can be outside “your love”
for god is but love
and you are that…
so what could exist
that could possibly be
“outside of your love”????
nothing….
all is "within you”
yes….
nothing exists outside of YOU…
your belief in a separate “I”
is what has kept you
in duality…
you ….you
are the very love that exists
within all things………
if you would but allow it
the retraining of the mind
is rather delightful…
think of it as a game..
oh, this one over there is angry
at me…
well, I choose to see only love
in this moment…
Father/Mother/ God that I AM
help me to see this in a new light…
as I see only love
love will reveal itself to me…
The Christ Mind
does not judge
it does not anger
it does not re-act
it simply abides in its bliss
knowing that all is perfect
that all is loves perfect expression
in that now moment…
thus
it does not create more worlds
birthed from the little self
who believes that what he sees in front of him
is the truth of things…
I say unto you
it is not…
nor has it ever been…
this day
open your 3rd eye
the eye of the sacred heart
that we share as one…
if you would but see only love
in all things
I will come along
and clean the shadows that
have built up on your lenses
of sight…
I will wipe them clean
and begin to show you
the real world…
that world where only love exists…
yet
I cannot do this for you
you must be the one to choose for it…
so, begin with the retraining of the mind…
see only love
stand outside of your dream
and be the observer of the dance
of creation
that is here in service
to YOUR awakening…
yes
this is how loved you are
for when “you”
make the choice to see only love
all of creation becomes your servant…
all of creation
dances a new dance
just for you…
to bring you home
to the one true heart…
with that
I bid you adieu
from the one heart…
peace be with you always
JESHUA BEN JOSEPH
THRU
denisa
deniseanew@aol.com
jeshuatheheartoflove.blogspot.com
shantichristo.com
this message is free to share with anyone you feel guided to share it with…
there is no need to give the author credit……….

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

My sadness is due to the fact that I have not experienced the Oneness, with which I am so well-acquainted, with another human, with another aspect of All That Is. Throughout my life, whenever I find myself in the position and privilege of knowing someone with whom I can see the potential for experiencing this Bliss, the experience is not allowed, whether in friendship or romantic love.

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I think I am moving beyond the idea that I might find this kind of romantic relationship for myself, which has its roots in a coming together of two highly enlightened, spiritual students, or at least moving beyond the idea that without it I am a failure, a nobody, a waste of flesh and blood. I never imagined that finding this kind of relationship would be so incredibly difficult.

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I intend to remain in this State of Love, and to foster its development, because I have realized that I must, regardless of who may or may not share the Bliss with me. I am somewhat excited, somewhat nervous and resistant to change, and somewhat saddened by the fact that I have been unable to locate others on my frequency.

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So, it is my intention to arrive in and to remain in a State of Bliss, and this requires complete abandonment of any and all egocentric constructs. I intend to release my attachment to the outcome of whether or not I can heal my broken heart. I intend to release my attachment to being accepted rather than rejected, a lifelong struggle beginning with my parents and their parents, maybe even before my birth.

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May we all live in a world full of cooperation, compassion, peace, harmony, and Love.

Do you feel the eclipse yet?

It's a real strong call from Home.

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Jesse's dad is right - we *are* our brothers' keeper. I want to live somewhere where there is harmony, peace, Love, community, caring, cooperation, more assistance-based interaction, more social-based interaction, the absence of ego head games, well, you know, like Home.

I'm ready so I guess that means that my intent is that the place present itself to me. Or maybe it is not a place, but a direction or path, I am open to that also. But this just isn't doing it for me. I have way more to contribute than I am allowed to contribute. Must find the outlets.

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Here's what I'm talking about. eternalgodliness.punt.nl/

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"This Eclipse is marking the final passing of the Old Paradigms from the Age of Pisces. It is releasing us from those aspects of “Tradition”, which have actually resulted in the suppression truth, love, tolerance, spontaneity, creativity and a direct connection with the Spirit. Our old emotional “Comfort Zones”, signified by Sun and Moon in Cancer, are being challenged; the South Node in the first degree of Leo is calling us all (not just the politicians!) to let go of narrow self-interest, or feathering our own nests, if it is in any way at the expense of the Collective or Greater Whole. The North Node in the first degree of Aquarius is a challenge to truly embrace the Aquarian ideals of Brotherhood/Sisterhood and Collective Responsibility, and to turn them into a reality for everyone, not just the elite few, or those who are “in the know”, or awakening to the New Energies of “Ascension”. “Ascension” means that the whole planet is raising its frequencies to resonate with the more refined levels of Spirit. As this happens, everything which does not or cannot resonate with those frequencies, will become glaringly obvious to all around and act as a “millstone around the neck”, until it is released."

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Love to All, Judgment for None, For We are One.

Insect Porn.

I could not make this shit up if I tried.

End of the Line.

I dunno, maybe reaching the End of the Line isn't so bad. The view is interesting from here.

Photograpy by Igor Siwanowicz.

OMG I am so misunderstood.

So Jesse and I are in the hot tub talking about anxiety, and whether he pushes people away or whether he allows his husband to help him with this issue, through intimacy, cuddling, breathwork, massage, reiki, etc. I was raising the idea that it would be a shame for him not to realize the incredible value inherent in having a loving partner. I chose to express this by saying, "that it would be a shame for him not to allow this process for himself, since by being married he has a built-in tool for battling anxiety." And he immediately picked out the double entendre of the meaning of the word "tool" when describing his husband,which was not a consideration of any connotation or formation of any idea I was trying to express.
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So, I must learn to weigh every word that I utter, from multiple perspectives and with multiple definitions, so as not to be misunderstood.
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What an awesome lesson. See what a great learning lab is available with someone that you love? INCREDIBLE.

Another awesome guided meditation.

http://www.goddesslight.net/index.php?option=com_yanc&Itemid=47

from Aluna Joy

I've got it! I have no idea what life on this planet is about.

I've got it! I have no idea what life on this planet is about. I have no use for the competition employed to obtain everything from food to Love. Everyone's lack mentality is making me ill. I got caught up in trying to manage in this paradigm, employing competition to provide for myself, and it left me penniless, living from paycheck to paycheck, loveless, disabled, estranged from family, friendless except for a very select few, directionless, and unable to get some very basic things accomplished.

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Time to erase the disc and start again.

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The constant frustration must mean that I experience constant growth, however, which is peculiar because I cannot see the growth from this perspective (in my own head). Only when I step out and observe myself do I see it.

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So where's the surface and how do I break through?

I Love Progressive Trance music - makes you feel delicious.

FAIL.

My life is a complete failure.

I suppose that my ability to appreciate it will give me the impetus to allow much needed change.

There has gotta be a way.

There's gotta be a way that I can figure out how to be able to express with another the immense Love that I feel, which just will not leave me alone until I do so. I am so amazed by how relentless the desire is, and how much it is willing to inflict horror upon me so that I stay motivated to fix the situation. How low will it go? So I will practice expressing gratitude for this situation to be exactly as I envision it - as though it already exists - so as to foster its creation by saying...

Isn't it nice now that I have someone to awaken with, so as to start off the day with a kiss (or more?).
Isn't it nice now that I have someone to go on adventures with, to help motivate me to interact with the world AFTER having my emotional and sexual needs met - I then have a completely different filter to view through.
Isn't it nice now that I have someone to dine with, to share the day's events with, to calm the nerves with...
Isn't it nice now that I have someone to snuggle with while watching a movie.
Isn't it nice now that I have all of the affection and sex that I require.

Take care of this for me please, Universe, and thank you.

Because I mean, DAMMIT, that's all I ever wanted - the company of someone who loves me. Why not ME? Is it any wonder I am not addicted to the boys, because they love me?

OMG I have too much pain to orgasm - but I give thanks for all that I have.

The Science of Peace

http://www.scienceofpeace.com/movie_SOPtrailer.html

May you all be able to live not in fear, but rather in Love and Peace and Compassion and Forgiveness. Try it for a day!

Whoa.

Albolene. It's not just for makeup anymore. LOL!

I mean seriously, can I show a little gratitude please, for the simple and free things in life? For the fact that I do not need anybody or anything to experience my Divine Connection? For the miracle that is the masturbation reset button? God Damn, I know I need my button reset more than most, but then again, most people don't walk around praying for death either. Please make it stop hurting, or, in the alternative, please let me see some action toward the spiritual Big Bang, or the relationship or life path that might sustain me through the pain.

Incredible healing meditation.

I never had such a good result from a guided meditation before, especially such a short one.

http://www.markmezadourian.com/www.markmezadourian.com/Podcasts/Entries/2009/6/25_AATrioClearing.html

Abraham, channeled by Esther Hicks

I just LOVE this woman, whose channeled messages were the basis for the movie, "The Secret." That film was widely received, and has a lot of truth to it, but people misuse the idea to get "stuff" when really, it is about a change in your State of Being. Nevertheless, look how much fun she is in action before an audience. (I am working on changing some of the stories I tell - can you think of any for yourself?)

SMILE! And then watch wat happens to you. This allows your high heart chakra to open, which will flow your day much easily.

Acceptance of my new pace of life.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite beach for a couple of hours, which requires you to walk a pretty good distance and traverse a hillside using a staircase that has been dug into the dirt. For a person with my limitations, it is a formidible challenge indeed. My backpack with towels, blanket and sunscreen weighs 4 pounds, and I was carrying a soft cooler with a turkey sandwich lunch and two water bottles and two soda cans. I went slowly and methodically to my destination, where I was then free to remove my clothing and allow the sun to pour all over ever square inch of my skin - just about one of my favorite activities. Today I am paying for it.

I came to a place of acceptance about my condition. Although my pain may continue to decrease a bit as the bones continue to fuse, I do not expect to have any major change in the pain level and expect long-term pain issues. Is this news? Not really. Pain has been part of my experience for so long that it would be unrealistic to expect it to be all gone. The new challenges of walking with a completely fused and crooked spine and off-balance pelvis are daunting, but managable, IF I slow way down. I do OK for the most part, with radical changes in my activity level, but things do take me a while longer than most.

And that's OK with me. A turtle's pace does not bother me one bit. I have spent the first 45 years running wildly as fast as I could to try to make it in this crazy world, and letting that go does not break my heart AT ALL. Now I have time to stop and smell the roses, among other things. I will accept my condition with grace and simply smile and enjoy the new perspective that comes from getting to be a slow-poke.

Smile! and then see what happens to you. This opens the high heart chakra, which will allow your compassion to flow immediately.

Last night, I wrote a blog that said...

"I mean if I am going to help the planet ascend into the 5th Dimension and anchor the Love of the One to earth by 2012, I am going to have to stop dicking around.I can only concern myself with those who want to join me. I guess that's the size of it." I had been visited by an entity after disclosing to the Gods that I wanted to leave the planet. They immediately said, "OH NO YOU DON'T" and took me on a little tour. Basically the message was that we lightworkers were being called into active service at this time. If you have not seen the Michael Jackson memorial service yet, STOP what you are doing and spend 2 hours on it RIGHT NOW. Your jaw will drop. The name of his London conerts was "HEAL THE WORLD."

LET THE HEALING BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Healing therapies.

Remember when I was flipping out and begging everyone for a healing hug, but they all ran the other direction? This guy does it for a living. I'll be signing up SOON.

YAY Robert Scheinfeld!

So I got to use "The Process" described by Robert Scheinfeld in the DVD series I bought last year. First, you have to go totally into the pain and discomfort, and really feel it. Then, you thank it. Send it Love. Then, to say to yourself that "this feeling is a tool I created in order to fool myself in 3D, to convince myself that I am powerless and helpless and something other than my infinite being, unlimited self, and that it has no power over me."

OK. This enabled me to abort the very severe part of the emotion wave. Now, I just have to continue to do this until such time as I begin to be able to "deconstruct" what is going on to trigger this emotion. It's been in there for a long, long time, it is the same feeling that I had at age 5 when I walked into the neighbors' home and saw the parents on the couch all curled up and enjoying a loving snuggle, and I thought to myself, "that's what I want! That's what you are SUPPOSED to do!" I do not know the circumstances around my birth, but if my pregnancy was viewed as a problem, was an accident, or in any way unplanned, there is a possibility that whatever thought form is triggering this emotion precedes my actual physical birth.

So, anyway, instead of just riding the torture merry-go-round, now that the suicidal depression has started again, at least I have a few more tools in the box to fight back with.

I ate half my sandwich and 5 cherries. I smoked 2 cigarettes this morning, which was all the ones in the house. I am using the patch and the fake cigarette. I started drinking water early today. I did chores. I don't know what else there is that I could possibly do to escape the suicidal urges. They coincide with the desperate desire for intimacy, closeness (physical, mental, and spiritual), for touch and sensuality, and for sexuality. The intensity of the emotion wave is strong. I am confident that I can hang on long enough to deconstruct this belief, whatever it is, in fact I am kinda pissed off now and am READY for Scheinfeld's tools to crack this baby. It may take months, who knows. He just said that it worked for him. It is helpful to chronicle this but I am not sure about it being so public. I do not want anyone else to feel bad, that would majorly suck.

Need another journal to more thoroughly explore details...

...the crop circles predict a major sun spot/flare on 7/7/09. Whether this is exactly true is a side issue - the idea is that we are about to be pounded with energy that is transformational in nature. By definition of that word, there will be some destruction, but that is only the first cycle of the process of transformation.

Since the sunspot was so easily detected by my sensors the other night, I fully anticipate that the "big" one will have the capacity to fry some stuff. Know that I personally am just exhausted from the rollercoaster. Today I woke up and was cleaning house and whatever crips do to pass the time, and was feeling so awful that I had to stop what I was doing and take a walk. I mean literally, I had to take a walk in order to keep from slitting my wrists. I wanted to be able to express love, and closeness, sexuality maybe even. Same old shit. Whatever. I walked, slowly, trying to see how best to accommodate the length discerpancy between my legs, due to pelvis tilt, to avoid pain in the hips. Whatever. I *almost* cried, but avoided that mess. I ended up at Trader Joe's, and I saw Ranier Cherries when I first walked in and grabbed some. I was really after a turkey sandwich, and could not find any prepared sandwiches. They moved everything around. But I persisted and finally found the TWO LITTLE BITTY prepared sandwich rows were. I came back home and prepared lunch, and then resumed my chores while taking bites at the same time, so as to hurry up and finish making the bed so that I could get back into it. I am not done with my chores, but the bed is made, and that is where I am headed.

I must begin to eat.

Found this service that prepares and delivers meals to your door twice weekly. http://www.susanshealthygourmet.com/index.cfm

I am placing an order for Mon Tues and Wed of this week just to try it out. Those three days will probably be more food than I can eat in a week. Whenever I am feeling stressed, the last thing I want to do is eat. Since I've had a major de-stressor with the energy field alignment, I expect to feel much less stressed and more open to food. Full report after I much the first order.

Sunspot alert.

Matches my energy assessment.

"The sun is putting on its own 4th of July fireworks show. A new sunspot is rapidly emerging in the sun's southern hemisphere and it is crackling with B-class solar flares. The magnetic polarity of sunspot 1024 identifies it as a member of new Solar Cycle 24. It appears to be the best offering yet of the young solar cycle. Check http://spaceweather.com for images and updates."

Energy Shift Complete.

At 12:45 a.m. today, 7/4/09, we completely finished an energy upgrade, or transmutation, or finished passing through a proton beam, or finished anchoring a crystalline grid in the New Earth, or whatever you want to call it. This process had been very uncomfortable throughout May and June, ramping up the last of the "problem children" in our individual and collective psyches, order that we finally be able to see the illusions for what they were.
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You might find yourself suddenly having the answer to questions that really bothered you for a long time, even though nothing has changed, other than your perception of the situation. This might be shocking, but mainly it is a relief to finally have clarity about subjects that have plagued our every moment of existence for so long. Allow yourself to view the entire event as an observer, so as to negate any negative emotions becoming attached to the event itself. Even if your new perception shows you things about yourself that you have been repressing, which is always shocking and difficult, do not scold yourself or place judgment in any way. Send Love and thanks to creation for allowing you to finally see your way out of the trap you were in. This is why we have been prepped with practicing unconditional love and forgiveness with all things. We needed the practice and the tools in order to be able to instantly forgive ourselves as we crossed this barrier.
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Now what?
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As your new perceptions begin to settle in, you will see changes in your environment that will astound you. Fasten your seat belts, because now that your level of discernment has gained great improvements during this upgrade, you will begin to understand why you were not manifesting and were so frustrated - now you get to begin the work of REALLY instantly manifesting, which has so far eluded you.
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I have no other knowledge of this process other than from my direct experience; the guides only made certain that I sit down and write, but have not given me any assistance with the subject matter. I'd love to hear everyone's take on this.

Love is such a privilege.

My own personal increase in awareness led me to see that my BEST FRIENDS demonstrated very steadfast Love in their sacred roles that they have played for me in order to attain higher awareness. Just by being themselves, they began to personify all of the reasons that I am dissatisfied with my own life. They have it all, beauty, each other, security, monogamy - I can't think of a thing they don't have. Their very presence gives my unhappy string a stern staccato pluck, by throwing in my face everything that I want but cannot seem to grasp. They did not mean any harm whatsoever - they have just been being themselves, bouncing along. In so doing, they became an easy target for me to throw my anger toward, but they, in fact, have no responsibility for my happiness or any such thing. Although, bless them, they tried to TAKE responsibility motivated by altruism - the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed a human do. Thankfully, they continued this arrangement long enough for me to get the picture. I hope that my new perspective allows me some relief - I have been beating myself and everyone else up way too much. I beg forgiveness for all transgressions, and promise to continue to Love, respect and honor all involved for the rest of my days. But we don't have to play that anymore.

I'm so sorry.

Frequency upgrade. I feel changes coming, and soon.

I never meant any harm, and only followed Love where it led me.

But now the frequency has upgraded and I can see through the illusion that was before me.

Hurry home, Dale.

REMEMBER TO LOVE, RESPECT, AND HONOR EACH OTHER.

Namaste'

Please make it stop.

I cannot win this battle. I can only hope for the best. Please angels hurry up and send me a companion before I lose it.

Jesse came to see me.

I am so pleased that he feels that my home is safe when he is having anxiety. That is so cool! He was bouncing ideas off me and I was playing counselor sort of but did not even know he was anxious in any way. He hid it well. I have been very stiff and sore in the neck and shoulders and the doc scolded me for not taking Robaxin regularly - so I had to start that again - oh great more drugs in my system. But I also wanted a lemonade with a vodka splash. I had to apologize to Jess for tempting him. He is doing so well with that! I wish I had a magic wand to fix the anxiety and crazy workload that Jess endures, and the anxiety and depression that makes Michael suffer.
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We watched Batman - Dark Knight - was a bit gory and I got disinterested after Rachael died in the fire. It was great to see my best buds! I want to come out of my shell and be my wild and crazy self again, so that I don't bore them to tears and so that they will feel like being around me more than when I am in depressed pity-party mode. Wow, how I missed them after only a few days of being separated. Their hugs are magical, and I am so blessed by their friendship. It *still* makes me simply ill to have to go home to bed alone at night, upstairs from two of the people I love most. I want to go crawl in with them! It seems so unfair. I am focusing on releasing my attachment to having the wonderful newlywed kind of relationship that they share, but deep down, it is exactly what I want.

You know what, I've asked my guides and my angels and my higher self to fix this for me, because I can't, and I am ready to go Home now if I can't bring Home here.

I AM Love.

I have spoken to those closest to me for some time that the thing about them that most excites me is that they give me the ability, or they allow me, to *express* Love. It is this, their gift to me, total acceptance without judgment, which then allows me to express the most pure, most Divine, most radiant expression of Love. It is this that I seek to have the ability to do at all times, in each moment - to allow the fountain of Love that is within me to bubble forth. Those closest and dearest to me have opened the gateway for me to begin this journey into the everpresent current moment filled with Love.
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So now it is time to put aside my fear that I am incapable of doing this in each moment, wherever I am, with whomever is present. It is time to put aside my fear that this Love will not be returned to me. It is time to release the attachment that Love must be returned to me, which paralyzes me from allowing its expression to bubble forth.
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I intend to master this which has been such a struggle. I intend to remember how to fully embody unconditional Love. I intend to allow myself to feel this from within at all times. With much gratitude for those who have agreed to help me remember, I express my deepest appreciation.
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LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.