Halloween Heartbreak, 2000

When I lived in Dallas, There was this new internet chat program that would send an instant message along with a still photograph taken by your webcam. ICU2 it was called. I used to chat with this big muscleman who lived in San Francisco whose name was Eddie. I could never get over the fact that someone built like him would be interested in me. Turns out it was because my cock was about 5 times the size of his - he was a size queen. Made me gain a new perspextive about guys with big muscles.
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Anyway, I arrived in San Francisco on September 14, 2000 and started working this crazy job that just consumed me, and between that and looking for an affordable place to live, my days were filled and I had no time to even think about Eddie, much less use the internet chat program and talk to him. Before I knew it, the time had come for the Halloween in the Castro event, on a Wednesday night, after work. I caught the last streetcar at the corner of New Montgomery and Market near the office and made my way to Castro street. The streets were incredibly filled and crowded, so much so that it was difficult to even walk through the crowd. I was supposed to meet this new friend of mine at a bar on 18th Street, but he never showed up. Just as I was about to leave there and make my way to a party, I heard someone call my name, so I whirled around, and there stood Eddie, with a mask on that had a flowing fabric hanging from it that made him look like a pirate. I could not believe that he recognized me on the street from a tiny one-inch square photograph on the computer. Still don't. He latched onto me and we went everywhere together the entire night, through the crazy drunk revelers. Eventually he dragged me up the hill to his apartment, which had a beautiful view of the Golden Gate bridge from the front room, and a view of the Bay Bridge from the back. I felt like Cinderella at the Ball. Rent control had been enacted in San Francisco many years earlier, but on top of that his rent had not been increased in 12 years. He was paying $3oo bucks for an apartment that would have easily fetched $1800 at the time - more now. While we did not get to have the pornographic gay time that this story demands because of my anxiety about STD's and erectile dysfunction (stress related - and no longer a problem for me thank you Jesus), he was a marvelous host and a great snuggler and I was entranced. The problem was, from my point of view, such a wonderful time had by all indicated that this was going to be a new ongoing friendship or dating situation. From his, I was the Toy de Jour. So after having been unable to find anyone who thought like me or anyone to date after years of being out and proud in Texas, I got to start my dating experience in California by being dumped. Hard and fast. Such began my love/hate affair with gay men on the West Coast.
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It's funny, because the only other time in my entire life up to that point, and there have been none since, that I met someone randomly and ended up in their bed, was also on Halloween. (I am not speaking of internet hookups and "dates" that turned out to be booty-call-then-dumped episodes, but just metting your random person on the street. Apparently some people do this easily all the time or daily. So, you'd think I would have known better, or would have been prepared for this. But our connection was so strong and we had such a wonderful time that I could not believe anyone would just let that go so easily. I still don't get it.
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I plan to dress up and go out both Saturday night and Sunday, and I have no intention of meeting any strangers and taking them home. I have learned not to let my heart get stomped so easily. But I see where my melancholy disposition comes from now about Halloween, which used to be my favorite holiday. It now has a history of being the night of heartbreak.
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Oh, hell, every night now has a history of heartbreak, so BFD. It's just another day.

So hard to let go.

Since our vibration is rising ever faster, things that no longer serve us move out of our influence and sphere more and more. It is so hard to let some things go. It is hard to let fantasies go. They are portals to other dimensions where life is much better than it is here. It hurts like hell to admit that they are not real and that life will never be as we desired. What will take the place of these old habits of thought? We can only imagine and hope for the best. The entire process feels so empty and sad.

I can't even bring myself to write it down.

Instead I'll just watch and wait, and see what happens next.