Sunday, January 9, 2011

Thank you for smoking.

I can't hardly STAND being away from Michael. He is so giving and affectionate and loving - moving away was like unplugging myself from any and all connections to anything resembling Love that I had in my life. Nobody else loves me even though I smoke. He will always love me, even if I was a crackhead.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I don't think I have ever had a New Year's Resolution - until now.

The resolution for 2011 is to Make Every Day Awesome.
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In some way, every day, I want to be able to connect to the feeling that Life is Awesome. Whether this is because I am able to accomplish something every day that I can scratch off my bucket list, or whether it is as simple as having a favorite meal or smoothie or anything else that I enjoy, connecting to that State is now my focus.
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I am very pleased to have arrived at this new heightened State of Awareness, which involved much healing, and now that I have closed several chapters in my life that do not ever have to be reopened again, I am quite looking forward to replacing some of these unseemly memories with an entire bank of New Things Worth Remembering. Enough is enough!
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I have already found in just a few short days that I am beginning to plan these things out in advance, because it feels GOOD to connect with the inner self daily. Now that I have progressed enough to anchor my inner or higher self on a daily basis, it is time to allow life to unfold from that perspective. I am looking forward to seeing how the creation of the future will unfold as I make this effort each day. I hope that I can excite and encourage others to do the same, whether it is this year, or any future year (or at any other point in the space-time continuum, for that matter).
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ALL IS ONE, ONE IS ALL.
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What have you done today to make it an AWESOME day?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Marcus is pure genius.

I told him that Saturday was the 2nd anniversary of that horrific surgery. And that I was expecting guests again, who are coming for the Palm Springs International Film Festival. He observed that I always remember dates when bad things happened, and asked if I remembered anything good to celebrate. I told him that January 18 is the 16th anniversary of my mom's kidney transplant. He was skeptical, but came around when I noted that it is a great date, every one that passes means that I got to keep my little mom another year against all odds. I told him that I would count college graduation but that I did not walk the stage, because I did not want to have to deal with all my silly arguing family and called it off rather than have them ruin the day.
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So, since one of the conditions that I set when I told the universe that I was amenable to moving to the desert if all the cards lined up right, was that I wanted it to be a place where I could interact with others with my most authentic self. And they did line up right, and here I am. Finally, I have my living space back to myself, and all fixed up like I want it, for the most part. I mean, decorating is a never ending job, right? And I am ready, willing, and able to begin to create new traditions and anniversaries to remember. I don't have a whole lot of history in my life to celebrate because something was always wrong, someone was always not happy with the situation, or some bad thing had happened, or someone was wallowing around in drama of their own creation but refused to see. But now, I am a self-sufficient, grown up adult, and don't have to wait around on them anymore. It is time to get busy and try new things and go new places and create happy memories now that I have no boss to answer to making me miserable, no schedule to adhere to, although a more regular schedule is a plan that I have, in order to help me eat better, manager depression better, and feel better overall. But really, as I have grown to love my isolation, I am realizing that I have no more reason not to create the memories and life that I want. I can learn to accept my slower pace, my restricted motion, and my physical discomfort. It's the rest of life that is free from restriction. I have to seize that and run with the ball.
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I don't have to be anxious about being single either, because I know that nothing less than the high vibration guy who I long for would do at all, and that finding him is the proverbial needle in a haystack. I can do nothing but trust and participate in life. There is no other strategy to finding my Twin Flame. Once we spot each other, it will be all over. So, there is nothing to be anxious about.
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First new anniversary date - 11-9-10 - the first day I met Marcus. Although, I love the idea of having an annual New Year's Eve party for those who would like to attend. It was wonderful to have people who I love around to chill out and to celebrate that happy occasion. So, on to the next thing to remember!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A person denied affection cannot thrive.

Tonight, I felt the full force of both hunger for food and the hunger for affection that could only have come from the center of the galactic core. I felt the hunger for affection from my parents, especially my dad, and from every man I have ever loved, denied by all along the way.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year indeed.

Was showered with compliments on my living space. It's really no big deal. Once I decided the best layout for the furniture in the main room, the rest came easy. It's about removing clutter and keeping the place clean, which is not so hard since I don't make a big mess anyway.
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Confusion arose when one friend voiced that he would "love to live this life." I know that he was referring to my living space, and maybe the surrounding town, not too sure about what exactly he meant by "this life," since he did not itemize. I agree, having a beautiful and clean home is wonderful - but there is only so much solace that "stuff" can provide. Living in a castle would be nice, too. But the echo of the empty walls and deafening silence would only confirm the emptiness of the place. So yeah, I am trying to wrap my mind around what it is that he meant by saying that he would love to live "this life." What about the parts that are not so nice? Being on a fixed income, having to make choices that limit the amount of medical care and physical therapy I receive because of budgeting? What about the complete and total isolation? I do not have the money to be running around town. I am allotted two tanks of gas per month, and that totals almost $90 bucks as it is. I am trying to DECREASE my spending, not INCREASE it. When I DO go out in public, I am not at all received in the same way that he is. People's pursuit of beauty is discriminating like that. I wonder if he would be willing to trade places, and to come live this life, here in my house, alone, by himself, day after day after day after day after day? Married people have no clue what real life is like. Whatever. I am tired of trying to get my point across to people who refuse to hear.
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I am so surprised to hear gangsta Will from Desert Hot Springs tell me that I am the best friend he ever had. All I did was treat him like a regular person. It saddens me that others do not treat him like a regular person. Is it because of his race? His persona? His habits and mannerisms? Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. I am happy for him and value his friendship.
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I am really surprised that both OC boys miss having me in close proximity so much. I would never have guessed that in a million years. Clearly my influence upon them is good. I will support them however I can, but I cannot make their choices for them, and I cannot be pulled into the drama. If their relationship is not of the spiritual nature that I envision for myself, there is nothing I can do about it. I am so pleased that I had the good sense to remove myself from the situation. There was a time when Michael especially had his emotional hooks into me so heavily that I would have actually contemplated killing myself upon hearing what he had to say to me this weekend. Especially after the months and months and months of his refusal to support me during my severe loneliness, and of witholding even platonic affection, because it was "inappropriate." Really? I am glad I no longer depend upon him for validation, affection, or assistance with the despair that comes with my state of isolation. I would have drowned in my own tears. Amazingly, he perceives my mad love for him as judgment. Jesse is doing SO WELL at turning his ship around. I hope that he is able to get Michael to do the same. I don't think I could bear to lose either of them, and that's what is coming if he does not get his shit straight. At least I was able to offer them a beautiful, relaxing place to be this New Year's Eve. That pleases me. Maybe they will decide to come back soon and relax and enjoy the quiet again.
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Chuck and Anda seemed to enjoy themselves too. They even spoke of making New Year's Eve in the desert a tradition. That would be fun, huh? But then I could never invite Craig to attend. Or Howie and Marlene. Marlene's father died day before yesterday, I hope she is doing OK.
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Note to self: burning almost 100 tea lights with no open windows makes for particulate pollution irritation of the nasal passages. Must keep upstairs windows open for air flow if candles are burning. God! I hate hot pepper sinuses.
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Marcus did not accept my invitation for New Year's Eve. I suppose that is all the proof I need to know that he is not emotionally available for dating, which he has verbalized before, so it is time for me to accept his friendship as it is and move on and stop pursuing his affection. Which leaves me at square one. Still alone.
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So it is a New Year how, exactly? Oh yeah, I don't give a flying shit about whether I am single or not anymore. After all, I have the perfect life in the HGTV desert house. Right? LOL! Ugh.