Look for the Light

The destruction of the Fifth Night.

2011-08-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

Well I thought I was doing pretty well in this, the final cycle of the Mayan Calendar, which ends on October 28th of this year. I thought I had seen all of the change and destruction that was going to happen in my personal life before this year began, but clearly I cannot escape the forces of nature any more than anyone else. We are collectively undergoing this radical transformation, of everything, every single teeny weeny little thing.

I guess the boys think that I had back surgery and that everything is AOK and fixed now. But that's not quite how it works. I know that I camouflaged my scoliosis disability pretty well, for many, many years, and generally speaking, nobody knew that I had a 13-level spinal fusion when I was 16 - my appearance did not reveal anything that would make anyone come to that conclusion unless you knew me or unless I told you. There were general tell-tale signs, like the muscle atrophy in my torso, arms, and legs, which was the result of being unable to move my torso for 30 years, and being unable to use any substantial weight to exercise with, during the years that I was able to exercise. But, generally speaking, I was independent and did not think of myself as "disabled," and certainly no one else did either. The fact is that I was disabled, beginning at age 14. I just had medical treatment that sort of hid the issue from sight. But, problems eventually surfaced, and a revision surgery was needed. The end results were (1) even more limited mobility than before, and (2) constant agonizing pain and discomfort. Even I have been surprised by the severity of my limitations, and have, until now, fought it tooth and nail. But I see now that I am going to have to accept my new lower level of functioning. The most difficult part is that most of the world operates from a higher level of functioning, and I suppose that all who do are guilty of assuming that everyone is able to do the same. I mean, I can't say that I want anyone's sympathy, or pity, but it would be nice if it were recognized what a hard time I have just doing the most basic things. That might make communication a little easier.

There has been constant tension between Jesse and Michael and myself since, since I don't know when. My sense of time is distorted anyway. I think I have explained to them that basically I had no friends in the area before we met, I had not met any new friends between then and the time I had surgery, and that they are pretty much my lifeline to the outside world. While considering the assertion that I was being too "needy," and/or having unrealistic expectations, I had long ago voiced how isolated I felt, and suggested that perhaps we should make it a point to talk once per week or once every other week on the telephone. That suggestion came and went and never materialized, but I just let it be. I have attempted to stifle my urges to reach out, so as to not seem "needy," God how I hate that term, it has such a negative connotation.

Over that past number of weeks, different episodes have left me feeling totally ignored, and I have voiced this, and been met with skepticism. I am not unwilling to entertain the idea that my feelings are skewed, because of all the time I spend entirely alone (in part due to the fact that I feel like hammered shit most of the time, and in part because I have made a commitment to help my mom keep her house out of the hands of the bank, at least until we can get a loan modification processed - and that means being strapped for cash - add all these things up and I don't get out much).

So, these tensions culminated this past weekend when the boys were here visiting Jason, and posting lots of photos and check-ins and things on facebook. Jesse sent a text message to me on Saturday with an invitation to come to dinner at Jason's, but my telephone service has been acting up and I did not receive any text messages for a few days last week and all weekend, until I called the telephone company today and got that straightened out. So, given that I was already feeling ignored, and given that they were having so much fun without me, and given that I do not want to be a burden or to be seen as "needy," I decided that it would be easier for my mental health if I did not see all these posts because it just makes me feel more ignored than I already was. So, I "unfriended" them on facebook. That way, if they wanted to come visit me, they would notify me and do so, and we would carry on as usual, and, if they were coming here to not visit me, that would be fine also, but at least I would not have to torture myself about whether I was being ignored and such. Well, that did not go over very well. I suppose nowadays people assume that if you click the unfriend button that you don't want to be friends in real life anymore.

The strange thing is that when I voice these feelings, I get met with total resistance, as though I have no right or reason to have any feelings, much less that they be feelings of loneliness. Now that that the phone was repaired, I see that Jesse did send text messages to me on Saturday, but of course they did not arrive until after I spoke with the telephone technician today. But I am so curious about that - if I had a friend who lived in another city was was physically challenged and who had voiced feelings of loneliness in the very recent past, would I not pick up the telephone and call after receiving no response to my messages, in order to make sure that everything was OK, or to make sure that the messages were received? To make sure that the person was coming, or, if he was unable to come, that there wasn't anything he needed or needed help doing? That does not seem to be anything that would be a stretch, or out of the ordinary, or burdensome at all. Technology fails. It's a fact. Wouldn't you just pick up the phone and call in a case like that?

So, I am altogether totally at a complete loss now. I am a disabled person, who lives alone, far away from everyone that I know. I am going to continue to have challenges with basic functioning, and certainly will continue to have challenges with my mental health concerning my new lower level of functioning, my inability to socialize, my isolation, etc. It does not seem like rocket science to me that it would be expected that I might need someone to call periodically to check in with me to see how I am feeling, or to make sure that I have not totally lost my marbles and need to be hospitalized or something, or to make a little extra effort to make me feel welcomed and wanted. I have been trying to stifle my neediness, and instead of helping the situation, that strategy is backfiring. All I want is to have my happy friendships back, for them to be happy to see me and to want to interact with me, as they are able, when they are able. I don't necessarily want to monopolize their time, I don't want them to feel that they have to come here every week or every month or every two months for that matter. I know that this is one of their favorite places, because we used to come here together constantly. But I sure don't want to feel ignored, either. Two weekends ago, we went out to Arenas street to meet up with Jason, and I was then ignored from the moment we arrived. They watched porn, they talked among themselves, they talked with the other patrons, and I was ignored. Jason never did finish his sentence to give me his telephone number, so I guess I am going to go knock on his door and get it from him. And this past weekend, Jesse sent me text messages and assumed that I got them, I guess, or maybe he forgot all about me. I cannot imagine that he would think that I got them and would have no response at all, when there are no other people on the planet I would rather be with than he and Michael.

And then there is the accusation of being envious. Well, let's see. If your best friends, with whom you used to spend every spare moment with, suddenly were unable to spend all those moments with you for whatever reason, and were spending them with someone else instead, who WOULDN'T be envious? That seems to me to just be a completely normal reaction.

So, there you have it. Mixed-signals, assumptions, varying priorities, electronic gadget failure, worsened by feelings of loneliness, probably caused by depression, and you get this disaster. All
I want is to be free from mental torture and to have my friends back. But as long as they view me as a fully functioning person who is just being "needy," I wonder if we will be able to make that work. Well, here's hoping.

Might as well make best use of the eclipse and solstice, and purge the shit that the mirror is showing me.

2011-06-21T21:32:00.001-07:00

How in the gay hell did I get here?
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How did I get to be 48 years old, disabled, alone, and dependent upon two people who probably do not want the responsibility? They may be unable to even fathom that I am so dependent upon them for support, since they are the only people I have any emotional attachment with. They did not cause that situation, so why should they be responsible for it? It is an unfair burden for them. I think that if they spent any time at all considering the issue, and if they had the time and ability to be more supportive, that surely they would do so. They love me. But, in these times on this planet, we are all taxed to the absolute maximum, and their own lives get in the way of this consideration. As all of ours do. No shame or guilt in that - we are all under the strains of the world at this time.
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I guess the problem is all in those pesky little definitions of words. When I say that I love someone, I mean exactly that, and I mean that I am there for support of any kind, any time, holding your hand or holding you in a hug while you battle your demons or just need reassurance, making sure your needs are met, etc., and so on. It is a trap for me to think that everyone who uses this word has the same definition attached to it. It is a trap that leads me to feel forgotten and less loved, but that is not necessarily true. Just because someone is unable or unwilling to attend to my emotional needs from time to time, for whatever reason, does not mean that I am less loved in any way.
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Well, at any rate, I have to find more friends and a love interest, or at least somewhere to get support. I don't have a clue how, or where, or what will make this happen, I am not the kind of person that when I walk into a room or bar, everyone flocks around me. That has not been my experience, never will be. And of course, there is the added roadblock that the mainstream gay culture has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to meet anymore gay people. They have all totally lost touch with reality, with history, with our common struggle and how we got where we are today, how to treat each other with respect, and how to form and maintain relationships. So, the focus has to be that I select activities to do and places to go that interest me, and where I might find other interested parties who happen to be gay. That's it. That's all I can do. I don't know what else to do. I mean the rest of the world seems to approach this problem by getting drunker than shit and going to a bar and starting to flirt and make out with whoever is willing. I wish I could find the courage to be that person.
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What I want is to be considered beautiful. That would make things so easy, wouldn't it. How am I going to overcome looking in the mirror and seeing Frankenstein, with this deformed body that does not work and that makes me miserable? I just refuse to believe that I am that fucking ugly, but my experience tells me so. And when I do overcome it, how am I going to find someone who I will be attracted to who will also be attracted to me?
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Really, the only way out of that spinning vortex of thought is to take another approach. Take inventory of what I have going for me, appreciate my good qualities, be thankful for the good things that I do have, and rejoice in the knowledge that I do NOT have HIV issues, addiction issues that cloud my judgment or ability to survive, abuse issues, or a whole host of other awful things. Accentuate the positive.
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That's why I do not do well in isolation. I cannot stay focused on the positive. That's why I am addicted to and dependent upon those who love me, with whom I am able to feel good about myself, and to have fun and enjoy life. That's why I crave their company and touch like heroin.
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So there you have it. I am like an addict trying to get my fix of attention from the only people who love and support me, because I am a frightened, lonely, rejected little boy who feels like the ugly duckling. Lovely.
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Well, it looks like I am a very lucky man if I have friends who love me enough to be in this state of mind and to make this journey and to try to change and improve my life, even when it is a difficult road. That is what love does. So how can I figure out how to love myself enough that I can have fun with them instead of feeling this way?

The Darkness is REALLY surfacing now.

2011-06-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

From watching the situations of everyone's lives swirling around me, I can only comment that the darkness is lashing out trying just as hard as it can to capture as many souls as it can as we careen toward the final day of the Mayan Calendar on 10/28/2011. Since March, the entire world seems to be falling apart and human interactions are more and more chaotic and tense. From not having enough money to go around, which is pretty much a universal constant for all of us except the top 1% of the population, to relationships changing, to all sorts of situations that seem unjust and unfair, the dark side is trying its best to grab the upper hand. The final eclipse in the series of three will be on July 15th so we can expect continued chaos until then at least. There is nothing left for us to do except follow our hearts and accept the consequences of our decisions, and to seek the guidance of our highest selves. To be loving and forgiving while not allowing our boundaries to be violated. What do we want to create? What do we want for ourselves? How does that fit in with the highest good for all concerned? Are our decisions based upon good, solid factual reality or some version of some fantasy in our heads? We must consider all of these things carefully, because we have to endure the consequences whether or not we make good choices. Nobody can save us except ourselves!
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All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by people who actually love each other and who get along, after being raised in a family where neither was present. It is still what I cherish and desire. I remain optimistic that love can solve any problem, can right any wrong. I hope that someday that humanity will choose love instead of all this other stuff.
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So, anyone feeling the urge to leave the planet, know that it is easy to feel that vibe right now during all the chaos, but that the urge will pass sooner than usual on this oscillation. Just hang on tight. No jumping in front of traffic please, Marcus. Although I totally get it that you want to. I totally get it.

This is not humane.

2011-06-14T01:58:00.000-07:00

Spoiler: graphic language ahead.

This is not humane.

I need a husband coming home at night.

I need someone to write love notes to.

I need someone to talk to.

I need someone to send me nasty little texts or whispers into the telephone about how much he misses me and what he is going to do to prove it when he gets home.

I need a husband who loves to just sit and hold the head of my cock in his mouth.

I do appreciate having my puppy dog to hold and pet, but damn. I am thinking skin would be much better to lick. And I so seriously would.

I really hope that something better happens for me soon.

This is not humane.

What's the NEW twist on the old subjects?

2011-05-30T20:49:00.001-07:00

Plenty to write and talk about from the past week. Not a single bit of it worth my time or effort. Everybody's nuts. I'll be isolating more; no need to continue to venture out of my harmonic home.

"I have steak at home. Why would I go out for hamburger?" - Paul Newman, speaking about JoAnne Woodward.

Earthly delusions...

2011-05-23T01:43:00.000-07:00

Those of us who are sensitive to energy and who have been greatly affected by the ongoing ascension process are finally coming to the realization that perhaps we do have to change the environments we live in so that our frequency can continue to increase. For some, this has meant moving to new locations, and for others it has meant changes in jobs, housecleaning, remodeling, breakups and divorce, etc. This process is really heating up now, as we find the urge to "go home" stronger than it has ever been. After having pulled back layer after layer after layer of the onion of dross from our physical and emotional bodies, which had been put into place during our "socialization" on earth, we find now that we are closer to our Divine state than we have ever been. We are remembering the Unity that we arrived here on earth with, and wonder how it is possible that we were duped into believing all of the insanity on this planet, and how it is possible that the masses are still so entirely clueless about what is really going on.
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The most difficult part is trying to find a place to belong, a place where we can find the others who have come to understand that none of the earth paradigms are real, with whom we can relax and be assured that our energy field will not be disturbed by anyone who is still leaking negative energy as a result of being stuck in the false earth realities. We are finding it more and more difficult to live and to be around anything that is not of the highest vibration. Just this evening, on my birthday, I was with two people who I have met here in Palm Springs. We went to Hunters and saw a drag show (it was bizarre being in that bar when it was completely empty - everyone must have spent the day on the coast at Long Beach Pride), and then we went to Bongo Johnny's for a snack and a drink. They each had a HUGE dirty martini, and I had guacamole and iced tea. Then, we stopped at the liquor store where they bought a 40-ounce beer and guzzled that. We went to the Riviera hotel to buy a drink at the bar and sneak into the hot tub. The more alcohol they consumed, the more delusional they became. For me, it becomes not only a matter of wondering what kind of crazy stunt they will pull next, what obscenity they will shout out, what rudeness they will exhibit to others, but also a matter of cringing in fear of my physical safety. I cannot have even medium-sized people who are inebriated lunging at me or leaning on me, pulling me in different directions. It hurts. We left the Riviera with the idea that they wanted to go dancing, yet another activity that I cannot engage in since my entire torso does not move. Ultimately, I took them home and then came home to my own quiet, comfortable bed. The more alcohol they drink, the more sadness they exhibit, the more anger and negativity they release onto others, whom they blame for their life conditions, instead of being able to see how they have created their misery for themselves.
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Mind you, alcohol consumption is not the only thing that causes people's vibration to be lowered to the point where the negative energy leaks affect others. And some people can consume alcohol and be perfectly happy and enjoyable to be around. The point is that since we have struggled for so long to be able to finally see what is really going on in the world, and now that we are finally able to create a happy space for ourselves, being around the lower vibrations that cause us distress is just not tolerable any longer. We do not want to be thrown off the delicate balance that we have worked so hard to find. This means that we isolate and hibernate. We dream of being able to go into the world and to interact with others, but we refuse to step into the density of the lower vibrations of fear, anger, hatred, instability, control, jealousy, judgment, or any other emotion or action that does not support love and wholeness.
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Many of the people who are still unaware and who are stuck in the false earth paradigms demonstrated their mass delusion this weekend with another doomsday prediction of the "rapture" which, of course, did not come to pass. They collectively realize that something is horribly wrong on earth, and desperately want to someone or something to "fix" it, to the point where they actively clamor and hope for the destruction and end of the world. If only they could see outside the blinders they have placed on themselves, if only they could rise up out of the density of all of the false paradigms and see that they can have all that they desire, right here, right now.
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For those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to isolate ourselves somewhat from all of the mass delusion, who do not have to go out into the world and interact with the dense energy swirling about, the picture is much clearer. But, it is confusing, to say the least. On one hand, we want to be able to interact and to "find" the stable, happy, loving, easy, graceful way of life in the outside world. But we cannot. So, we isolate, and try as hard as we can to allow nothing and no one to throw us off balance, to knock us down off the delicate higher vibrational place that we have just barely been able to reach ourselves. For a while, we may try as hard as we can to share what we have discovered with others, and hope to show them how to reach the higher vibrations themselves. But we cannot. They have to seek and find it on their own. Meanwhile, we simply must protect ourselves and stay put in the higher planes. The only way out of this mess is to stay centered and focused, creating more and more of the higher vibrational energy in our personal spaces, so that it can ripple out into every facet of our lives. This is the only way we will be able to create what we so desire - it begins with us.
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So, for those of you who understand and have direct knowledge and the perception of Unity Consciousness, please understand that nothing will "change" the outside world to reflect what you already know. You have to create it in your own space, refuse to allow anything of lower vibration to affect your creation. Ultimately, others who either already understand Unity or who are seeking to understand it, will align with you. You can't force it. You just have to be it. On one hand, this is a little disturbing and saddening, but on the other hand, it is very liberating to know that we each have the power to create harmony in our spaces, and that we absolutely can refuse to allow anything that disturbs that harmony to come into that space that we have created for ourselves. Have you sharpened your boundary setting skills? You are going to need them.
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For me personally, it is to the point where I do not want to tolerate even temporary disturbances in my energy field, like the drama tonight which ended with the drunk party showing up ringing my doorbell at 2:30 in the morning looking for a lost telephone. So clueless, inconsiderate, and selfish - could that not have waited until morning? I think so. However, I no longer become angered to the point where there is any lasting effect on my peace of mind. I know that I am home and safe, and that all I have to do is refocus my attention onto the harmony I have created in my heart and home and the happiness will return. Because it is not "out there" anywhere - it is inside me. As much as I want to observe it on the outside, that will not occur except when others who respect the boundaries I have set find me, and can enter the space I have created for myself without disturbing my harmony. And there you have it - the thing that I most aspire to do and to be - at home and at peace with my own inner harmony, while not disturbing that peace and harmony of anyone else.
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My intention, therefore, is to be able to create a harmonious, happy, space for myself, where I can get my basic physical needs met, feed myself and give myself proper hygiene and care so that the maximum level of comfort is available to me always. I have struggled with this for a long time, lashing out because I have been forever unable to observe or to find this level of comfort in the outside world. I don't have to lash out anymore. I have to become the harmony, and stay in that space for myself. Others will either join me, or not. And that is not anything that concerns me at this time. While I have been so extremely disappointed that I have been unable to find romantic love as I had pictured it, unable to live the fairy tale romance that I had been taught while growing up and during my entire life by all the songs, movies, etc., I see now that trying to find or observe that in the outside world is part of the false paradigm. I will only see it when I clear my space of everything that is not in harmony with my own high vibration.
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"Don't let the bastards get you down." - Unknown
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"Don't stoop to their level." - Unknown
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"Keep your chin up." - Unknown
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"Hold your head up high." - Unknown
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"Speak softly, and carry a big stick; you will go far." - African proverb

Mothers' Day

2011-05-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

Or should it be mother FUCKERS day.

I've said it all before.

Talking about it does not make me feel any better, nor move me in any direction toward solving the problem.

So what is it that DOES make me feel better?

Nothing. I have lost interest in every single effin thing.

Inner child keeps throwing tantrum after tantrum, screaming, " play with me!" all while the other boys just ignore me.

I feel like Cindy Sheehan gone to sit at the Bush ranch to solicit answers, or just to express my grief.

The grief of yet another day, another night of lovelorn misery. Where oh where can my twin flame be hiding?

At this point, he may want to be on guard when he meets me, in case I slap the shit out of him. LOL!

Speaking of mothers, I find myself once again in the position of having my mother dependent upon me. This time is not the result of bad health, thankfully, but rather, bad decisions. I remember my friend Retha from Arkansas, who greatly identified with me because she was the family "blacksheep" also. She observed that it was those of us who were ostracized who were more responsible, more dependable, and always seemed to have money available to us. However, because of our inability to set boundaries, and our compassionate nature, we are usually giving it away to the very family members who ostracize us - or in this case with my family, because of them.

At least I am not having to work two jobs this time around. There is *no* way.

This has the very distinct effect of isolation. Just what I need.

It has become evident, that when I do have a buck or two to spend, and can try to re-join society again, (this process was never really completed the first time I set out to rejoin society in 1999, after my mom had returned to work and when I gave up my second job and moved halfway across the country), my tactic has to change. I am finding that there are no other people playing on my playing field in the social setttings where I have been since 1999. Oh, who am I kidding - I wonder if there ever were any. I have not met any available men, from Dallas, to Houston, to Washington DC, to San Francisco, to Los Angeles, to Long Beach, to all over Southern California. In fact, the more concentrated the gay population, the more out of touch with reality the men are. They have completely forgotton what we have struggled through. They have forgotten their humanity, using each other in the most horrifying ways.

I think I need to go on a cruise, or some other kind of vacation, where I can meet people from outside my immediate culture. I would LOVE to go on a cruise with Esther Hicks. There are other achaeological trips to ancient sites now that the scientists are so interested in ancient technology. I would love to go to a David Wilcock seminar, or a Bashar weekend lecture, or the Tesla Tech conference, or the international pot competition in Amsterdam - Cannabis Cup - or any number of other things that would get me in the company of other people on my wavelength.

I am very concerned with the complete lack of available men (who are relationship oriented, brown, smooth and sexy, and who are monogamy-minded). But I cannot continue to feel worthless because I am alone, or to evaluate each day by whether or not I moved any closer to meeting HIM. I might as well go dig my grave already. I am dropping completely out of being GAY. I have no interest in the whole no-strings-attached, free love thing. Identifying others on my wavelength has proven to be impossible. I just have to figure out how to start chasing dreams of my own and allowing that frequency to attract what I am looking for. The thing that most takes me out of my mental prison is travel. Exploration. Learning. I have some work to do before I am financially and physically capable of such a thing. But it must be done.

Why are they all hung up on hair? I LOVE my skin with no hair. OMG. I do not understand men in the least.

Please send a buyer for my mom's house.
Please.

I have to get out of this box.

Thank you for smoking.

2011-01-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

I can't hardly STAND being away from Michael. He is so giving and affectionate and loving - moving away was like unplugging myself from any and all connections to anything resembling Love that I had in my life. Nobody else loves me even though I smoke. He will always love me, even if I was a crackhead.

I don't think I have ever had a New Year's Resolution - until now.

2011-01-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

The resolution for 2011 is to Make Every Day Awesome.

In some way, every day, I want to be able to connect to the feeling that Life is Awesome. Whether this is because I am able to accomplish something every day that I can scratch off my bucket list, or whether it is as simple as having a favorite meal or smoothie or anything else that I enjoy, connecting to that State is now my focus.

I am very pleased to have arrived at this new heightened State of Awareness, which involved much healing, and now that I have closed several chapters in my life that do not ever have to be reopened again, I am quite looking forward to replacing some of these unseemly memories with an entire bank of New Things Worth Remembering. Enough is enough!

I have already found in just a few short days that I am beginning to plan these things out in advance, because it feels GOOD to connect with the inner self daily. Now that I have progressed enough to anchor my inner or higher self on a daily basis, it is time to allow life to unfold from that perspective. I am looking forward to seeing how the creation of the future will unfold as I make this effort each day. I hope that I can excite and encourage others to do the same, whether it is this year, or any future year (or at any other point in the space-time continuum, for that matter).

ALL IS ONE, ONE IS ALL.

What have you done today to make it an AWESOME day?

Marcus is pure genius.

2011-01-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

I told him that Saturday was the 2nd anniversary of that horrific surgery. And that I was expecting guests again, who are coming for the Palm Springs International Film Festival. He observed that I always remember dates when bad things happened, and asked if I remembered anything good to celebrate. I told him that January 18 is the 16th anniversary of my mom's kidney transplant. He was skeptical, but came around when I noted that it is a great date, every one that passes means that I got to keep my little mom another year against all odds. I told him that I would count college graduation but that I did not walk the stage, because I did not want to have to deal with all my silly arguing family and called it off rather than have them ruin the day.

So, since one of the conditions that I set when I told the universe that I was amenable to moving to the desert if all the cards lined up right, was that I wanted it to be a place where I could interact with others with my most authentic self. And they did line up right, and here I am. Finally, I have my living space back to myself, and all fixed up like I want it, for the most part. I mean, decorating is a never ending job, right? And I am ready, willing, and able to begin to create new traditions and anniversaries to remember. I don't have a whole lot of history in my life to celebrate because something was always wrong, someone was always not happy with the situation, or some bad thing had happened, or someone was wallowing around in drama of their own creation but refused to see. But now, I am a self-sufficient, grown up adult, and don't have to wait around on them anymore. It is time to get busy and try new things and go new places and create happy memories now that I have no boss to answer to making me miserable, no schedule to adhere to, although a more regular schedule is a plan that I have, in order to help me eat better, manager depression better, and feel better overall. But really, as I have grown to love my isolation, I am realizing that I have no more reason not to create the memories and life that I want. I can learn to accept my slower pace, my restricted motion, and my physical discomfort. It's the rest of life that is free from restriction. I have to seize that and run with the ball.

I don't have to be anxious about being single either, because I know that nothing less than the high vibration guy who I long for would do at all, and that finding him is the proverbial needle in a haystack. I can do nothing but trust and participate in life. There is no other strategy to finding my Twin Flame. Once we spot each other, it will be all over. So, there is nothing to be anxious about.

First new anniversary date - 11-9-10 - the first day I met Marcus. Although, I love the idea of having an annual New Year's Eve party for those who would like to attend. It was wonderful to have people who I love around to chill out and to celebrate that happy occasion. So, on to the next thing to remember!

A person denied affection cannot thrive.

2011-01-04T03:23:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I felt the full force of both hunger for food and the hunger for affection that could only have come from the center of the galactic core. I felt the hunger for affection from my parents, especially my dad, and from every man I have ever loved, denied by all along the way.

New Year indeed.

2011-01-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

Was showered with compliments on my living space. It's really no big deal. Once I decided the best layout for the furniture in the main room, the rest came easy. It's about removing clutter and keeping the place clean, which is not so hard since I don't make a big mess anyway.

Confusion arose when one friend voiced that he would "love to live this life." I know that he was referring to my living space, and maybe the surrounding town, not too sure about what exactly he meant by "this life," since he did not itemize. I agree, having a beautiful and clean home is wonderful - but there is only so much solace that "stuff" can provide. Living in a castle would be nice, too. But the echo of the empty walls and deafening silence would only confirm the emptiness of the place. So yeah, I am trying to wrap my mind around what it is that he meant by saying that he would love to live "this life." What about the parts that are not so nice? Being on a fixed income, having to make choices that limit the amount of medical care and physical therapy I receive because of budgeting? What about the complete and total isolation? I do not have the money to be running around town. I am allotted two tanks of gas per month, and that totals almost $90 bucks as it is. I am trying to DECREASE my spending, not INCREASE it. When I DO go out in public, I am not at all received in the same way that he is. People's pursuit of beauty is discriminating like that. I wonder if he would be willing to trade places, and to come live this life, here in my house, alone, by himself, day after day after day after day after day? Married people have no clue what real life is like. Whatever. I am tired of trying to get my point across to people who refuse to hear.

I am so surprised to hear gangsta Will from Desert Hot Springs tell me that I am the best friend he ever had. All I did was treat him like a regular person. It saddens me that others do not treat him like a regular person. Is it because of his race? His persona? His habits and mannerisms? Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. I am happy for him and value his friendship.

I am really surprised that both OC boys miss having me in close proximity so much. I would never have guessed that in a million years. Clearly my influence upon them is good. I will support them however I can, but I cannot make their choices for them, and I cannot be pulled into the drama. If their relationship is not of the spiritual nature that I envision for myself, there is nothing I can do about it. I am so pleased that I had the good sense to remove myself from the situation. There was a time when Michael especially had his emotional hooks into me so heavily that I would have actually contemplated killing myself upon hearing what he had to say to me this weekend. Especially after the months and months and months of his refusal to support me during my severe loneliness, and of witholding even platonic affection, because it was "inappropriate." Really? I am glad I no longer depend upon him for validation, affection, or assistance with the despair that comes with my state of isolation. I would have drowned in my own tears. Amazingly, he perceives my mad love for him as judgment. Jesse is doing SO WELL at turning his ship around. I hope that he is able to get Michael to do the same. I don't think I could bear to lose either of them, and that's what is coming if he does not get his shit straight. At least I was able to offer them a beautiful, relaxing place to be this New Year's Eve. That pleases me. Maybe they will decide to come back soon and relax and enjoy the quiet again.

Chuck and Anda seemed to enjoy themselves too. They even spoke of making New Year's Eve in the desert a tradition. That would be fun, huh? But then I could never invite Craig to attend. Or Howie and Marlene. Marlene's father died day before yesterday, I hope she is doing OK.

Note to self: burning almost 100 tea lights with no open windows makes for particulate pollution irritation of the nasal passages. Must keep upstairs windows open for air flow if candles are burning. God! I hate hot pepper sinuses.

Marcus did not accept my invitation for New Year's Eve. I suppose that is all the proof I need to know that he is not emotionally available for dating, which he has verbalized before, so it is time for me to accept his friendship as it is and move on and stop pursuing his affection. Which leaves me at square one. Still alone.

So it is a New Year how, exactly? Oh yeah, I don't give a flying shit about whether I am single or not anymore. After all, I have the perfect life in the HGTV desert house. Right? LOL! Ugh.

So Frankie is going to be moving (because I asked him to).

2010-12-14T03:19:00.000-08:00

Soon I will have the house to myself again. And gangsta Will is talking about leaving for Los Angeles next week since school is out and since opportunity is a dead-end for him out here. Who could blame him. Which means that my only physical, in-person contact will be Marcus, who comes once per week for 8 hours to help me clean and stuff and to stretch and massage me. But I am not certain how long I can afford to keep that up, although I know that he is also my friend. That dynamic will change when I can no longer afford to pay for his services. (He is talking about renting his house out when the floor is installed, and then moving up here to seek work, and renting my room, but that is potentially a long way off, and cannot be counted on for the purpose of this contemplation). So, no matter how you slice it, I will soon be an empty-nester once again.

Is this my rock bottom? Has my ability to delay gratification to some future time that will never occur completely run out? If so, what do I need to do in order to prepare myself for coming face-to-face with my greatest fear becoming reality? Or, rather, how can I prepare myself for being able to accept that my greatest fear has actually become my reality? And in so doing, how can I move toward accepting this with grace and ease instead of continuing to deny and resist and reject it, which has not served me?

How will I attempt to structure my days, my thought patterns, hell, my entire life, so as to no longer spend one more moment thinking about and hoping that I will find a romantic partner who will eventually live with me? Continually comparing my current situation with that idyllic future which will never exist continues to rob me of the present. Continuing to compare that idyllic state with my current reality makes me no longer want to participate in the present, and if that does not change, I will obviously not be here much longer. So, I have to face and accept my fate. I have to accept singledom. I have to learn to love the thing I have most despised and hated. I have to accept myself and my entire life as a complete and utter failure from the standpoint of getting my needs, wants and desires met. And I must learn how to derive value and pleasure from things that currently do not bring me value or pleasure. I suppose you could call this the biggest challenge I have ever faced.

There was a book written about this subject several years ago, something about "They Moved My Cheese," the general gist of it was about what to do when you get where you thought you were going only to discover that it was not what you expected at all, and the rules of the game had changed, and you basically had to start over from scratch. I guess it is time to read that book to see what insights it has to offer.

At this point, I would be satisfied with being happy and deriving pleasure from simply getting out of the bed each day, showering and bathing each day, eating 3 meals each day, performing some activity each day (walking for example), and being outside as much as possible especially on warm weather days. Since I have not been able to do any of these things in many months, seeing my activity level rise to that rate and stay there, and being happy while doing it, would be a major switch, and something to work toward for sure.

Along with this has to come a certain level of satisfaction with being in solitude, and happy with myself and my surroundings at all times, whether or not anyone else is ever present ever again. I do not want to feel held hostage by my solitude any longer. I am not at all sure about how to go about fixing that little issue, since it is so totally tied into my self-worth issues (or rather worthlessness issues), since the solitude only serves to reinforce my feelings of worthlessness and societal rejection. The objective is to be able to see myself as worthy regardless of whether anyone else agrees or disagrees, or whether they behave in ways that make me *feel* that they agree or disagree. I have to separate my sense of worth from all sources other than how I feel about myself. Of course, I have no idea how this is going to work, how to do it, or what it looks like, and professional help will be requested once I get eligible for Medicare and get signed up for Part A, B, D and a Supplement. Then I can run off to the crazy farm if I feel the need.

For now, I just have to hang on, keep eating, I especially love the Trader Joe's hemp and flax cereal with berry yogurt and blueberries. And for now, that's probably all that I *can* do. Also, continuing to observe my anger, since I am now aware of a very deep and embedded layer of anger that I have about this subject, about how unfair it all is, about society and dating and attraction and human behavior and all of it - I am so incredibly angry at the whole thing. Being aware of it and observing it will allow me to transcend it eventually, I hope, but right now I just have to agree to observe it, to be gentle with myself, and to not try to "fix" it, simply observe. Eventually the idea is to no longer direct that anger toward myself. For now, I just have to recognize that it is there in the first place. And, boy, is it ever.

Possible repost - from 2007 - needed a place to link this to.

2010-11-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

The Ring

An attempt to communicate my sadness to my friends who look at me as if I have lost my marbles when I express the most basic human need – to feel loved.

Graduation was coming up, and I had decided to just forego the graduation ceremony and not walk across the stage. The cost of the cap and gown was $75.00, and I did not have that much money. Besides, my parents were feuding, as they had done for many years since before they divorced, and the idea of gathering them and my extended family together on the same day in the same place to give them a stage on which to perform their drama just was not appealing whatsoever. Nah. I sure as hell was not going to borrow the money only to have them spoil the day. So I let them steal the experience from me altogether.

But redemption was at hand. My friend Marc, who had graduated from Texas A&M as a Doctor of Veterinary Science had acquired a beautiful gold class ring, with a star on top and a diamond in the center. I was captivated by it the moment I saw it. It represented his achievement, his station in life, his future. I had to have one exactly like it. After all, he had love, and a great family, and a great girlfriend, and a great car, and a great house with a pool. I miss his mother, Charlotte. She knew how to make you feel as though you were the most special person alive. She died so young.

My family had preached to me since I was a toddler how important it was to get an education. They told me that with an education, I could be whoever I wanted to be, go wherever I wanted to go, and do whatever I wanted to do – things they perceived themselves as unable to accomplish. I now see that this was a symptom of their inability to give themselves and each other unconditional love. As much as they tried to make me feel loved in their dysfunctional way, it was perfectly clear to me that there were strings attached, and for some reason I continued to try to meet their expectations so that maybe, someday, they might love me.

My experiences as a youngster left me feeling empty and unloved at every turn. I was a small, thin, book-wormish, socially inept, homosexual castaway. It was perfectly clear that I was not going to secure a feeling of being loved from the general society around me. For that, I would have to have been a straight, muscle bound, football-playing ladies man. In school, I felt as though I was definitely several tiers below the “upper crust,” and somehow I failed to accept that my instinctive knowledge that my desire to feel loved was not going to be met by that world with all those conditions attached. It was sort of a mirror of my smaller reality, the one with my immediate and extended family. I was awash in a sea of souls who steadfastly refused to provide themselves and each other with unconditional love. And I took the bait, hook, line, and sinker, and continued to try to secure that for myself by striving to meet everyone’s expectations.

So after having completed the college education, naturally I assumed that I was now ready to have unconditional love bestowed upon me. After all, I had fulfilled my end of the bargain. It had been hell. Ten years of working and going to school part-time while battling life-threatening depression. But it was over now. I was ready to claim my love.

I planned the purchase of my ring with great care, and was sure to go to the campus store so that I could see it and touch it and feel it in my hands. I obtained a quote of its price, and then sank away into my dreary world to begin the weeks and months of saving the money to complete the purchase.

No one was more surprised than I to find that on the day I went with the cash in my hand to make the order that the ring was on sale! I saved hundreds of dollars off the original price quoted. My heart was just racing! I could not believe my stroke of luck! So the countdown began to the day it would arrive and I could finally slip it onto my finger, so that everyone could see that I had fulfilled my duty and was ready to accept their love.

The feeling of actually opening the box and putting on the ring can only be described as Cinderella being fitted with the glass slipper. It seems criminal to me now that all the societal institutions around me, my family, my parents, my college, my coworkers, could allow me to expect that my life would change and that I would feel loved with that ring on my finger. But I eventually learned that this, too, was not going to provide the hole in my heart with the filling it needed. But I kept wearing it anyway.

I had friends who were so excited for me and who congratulated me. A couple of them were straight guy friends with whom I was in love. Of course, that love was unrequited because they were not gay. I think my sister dated one of them. Neither of them ever finished school. One had two marriages end in bad cocaine and methamphetamine abuse. One came home from the Navy tattered and scarred, but managed to get married to a girl he met at one of those enormous dance clubs overflowing with 20-somethings, eardrum bursting music, smoke, beer and vomit. I wonder what has become of them.

I began to question the portrayal of societal events, to question whether they were actual celebrations of love or just excuses for everyone to fool themselves into believing they were loved. I saw couples around me who made such big deals out of Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve and birthdays and Thanksgiving and Christmas. But on other days they felt free to fight and argue and spread their bad energy among us onlookers. It never added up. After a while, I stopped counting those special days as they passed year after year after year, and I remained single and alone, feeling unloved and empty. I mean, after a while there is no point in celebrating one’s misery when all attempts to secure the unconditional love associated with those days have failed. So they just became like any other day on the calendar, only to come and go and to be crossed off with a big, black X.

The first place I wore the ring was to this gay dance club in Dallas called The Wave. It had a swimming pool out back. I remember a guy jumped in and swam from one side to the other in his underwear one day, and when he got out and stood up, the other patrons turned toward him and applauded. I am pretty certain it was because of how he looked in his wet underwear. I was soon disappointed to learn that even with my ring, unconditional love escaped me. Funny, in all the years that I went to that club and to others like it, waiting to be noticed by someone who might love me, I never perceived that the other people at the club were finding love either. But they were supposed to be looking there and finding it! Or so everyone said.

Soon after graduation, my mother came home and announced that she had end-stage renal disease and would require a kidney transplant. She had apparently been walking around with this knowledge for months, in complete denial, and had refused to utter the words out loud. Over the next 6 years or so, she went on to lose her job, to get a home dialysis unit, and since I had not found my “career” position yet, I took two jobs in order to keep a roof over our heads. I told her that I would take care of the finances no matter what, and that her only job was to get well. I did, and she did. During the process, however, my friends started falling by the wayside one by one as they felt slighted by my inattention to their daily gay bar dramas since I was busy working and could not go out or spend my time frivolously as they did. I wondered if they had ever truly loved me in the first place, if they were unable to see the enormous burden I was carrying, or to assist me with my needs at that time in my life. Alas, but this fit perfectly into place with all the other puzzle pieces that seemed to paint a picture of be being unable to secure the feeling of being whole and loved no matter what avenue I traveled, so I resigned myself to their departure.

Later, after my mom recovered and had gone back to work, a job in San Francisco landed in my lap. I accepted, even though I had never even been there. I was delusional enough to think that I would find there thousands of other guys, just like me, who desired companionship, a partner, and who would offer unconditional love. Instead, after placing a personal ad describing such a thing, I received hate mail telling me to “go back to whatever Midwestern town I came from, because this was San Francisco and we just have sex here.” After getting over the initial shock that everyone around me had segmented their lives to the point where sexual activity was no longer associated with any sort of honor to the spirit, or with love and devotion, but had been reduced to that of animals on the prowl, I decided that San Francisco was not the place for me, so I headed south.

That was 8 years ago, and since then, the ring was stolen when I left it in the washroom at my office building in downtown Long Beach. I accepted the loss, and was pleased to be rid of the illusion that wearing it might actually enable me to receive unconditional love, because it never did quite live up to its promise, as my family had told me that it would. Eight more birthdays, eight more Valentine’s Days, eight more New Years Eve’s, eight more Christmases, all passing like floats in a parade, portraying fun and happiness and love, somewhere I the distance. Maybe in some far away, future place that the floats are traveling to, as the parade turns the corner.

I do try to remain centered and calm and detached from desire, but sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I am overcome with the feeling of loss, the desire to feel loved, the desire for touch, to be held in warm arms all night, the desire for toe-curling, mind-boggling sexual union that can only be known by two lovers with a conscious intention to merge with the Divine Source. And yes, I have been surrounded by people who loved me unconditionally, as I learned how to create that for myself, since I was not taught that skill by my family, God Love them for trying. But there remains a plateau that I have not yet reached, the place I have envisioned myself ever since I was born, and it beckons me. I know not how to get there. No mountain I climb brings me peace; no mental State cures the pain and emptiness. There are days when I don’t feel I can go on any longer, and then I struggle to shake the frame of mind so that I can begin to live again. I can only describe this feeling of emptiness, in an attempt to purge it from my reality. I feel as though no one understands, but maybe they do, but are afraid to admit it because it is such a deep, dark place. I am not sure. I still somehow believe that the entire reason I was born was to have someone find me and tell me that they Love me, and mean it. Forever. That is my intention, to tell them the same thing. And to mean it. But I am not meeting anybody who thinks this way, who is attractive to me and available to me.

This is the last fairy tale I have to overcome. Prince Charming. He has been written about through the ages. He is Who We Are. If only we would allow ourselves to be.

Halloween Heartbreak, 2000

2010-10-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

When I lived in Dallas, There was this new internet chat program that would send an instant message along with a still photograph taken by your webcam. ICU2 it was called. I used to chat with this big muscleman who lived in San Francisco whose name was Eddie. I could never get over the fact that someone built like him would be interested in me. Turns out it was because my cock was about 5 times the size of his - he was a size queen. Made me gain a new perspextive about guys with big muscles.
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Anyway, I arrived in San Francisco on September 14, 2000 and started working this crazy job that just consumed me, and between that and looking for an affordable place to live, my days were filled and I had no time to even think about Eddie, much less use the internet chat program and talk to him. Before I knew it, the time had come for the Halloween in the Castro event, on a Wednesday night, after work. I caught the last streetcar at the corner of New Montgomery and Market near the office and made my way to Castro street. The streets were incredibly filled and crowded, so much so that it was difficult to even walk through the crowd. I was supposed to meet this new friend of mine at a bar on 18th Street, but he never showed up. Just as I was about to leave there and make my way to a party, I heard someone call my name, so I whirled around, and there stood Eddie, with a mask on that had a flowing fabric hanging from it that made him look like a pirate. I could not believe that he recognized me on the street from a tiny one-inch square photograph on the computer. Still don't. He latched onto me and we went everywhere together the entire night, through the crazy drunk revelers. Eventually he dragged me up the hill to his apartment, which had a beautiful view of the Golden Gate bridge from the front room, and a view of the Bay Bridge from the back. I felt like Cinderella at the Ball. Rent control had been enacted in San Francisco many years earlier, but on top of that his rent had not been increased in 12 years. He was paying $3oo bucks for an apartment that would have easily fetched $1800 at the time - more now. While we did not get to have the pornographic gay time that this story demands because of my anxiety about STD's and erectile dysfunction (stress related - and no longer a problem for me thank you Jesus), he was a marvelous host and a great snuggler and I was entranced. The problem was, from my point of view, such a wonderful time had by all indicated that this was going to be a new ongoing friendship or dating situation. From his, I was the Toy de Jour. So after having been unable to find anyone who thought like me or anyone to date after years of being out and proud in Texas, I got to start my dating experience in California by being dumped. Hard and fast. Such began my love/hate affair with gay men on the West Coast.
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It's funny, because the only other time in my entire life up to that point, and there have been none since, that I met someone randomly and ended up in their bed, was also on Halloween. (I am not speaking of internet hookups and "dates" that turned out to be booty-call-then-dumped episodes, but just metting your random person on the street. Apparently some people do this easily all the time or daily. So, you'd think I would have known better, or would have been prepared for this. But our connection was so strong and we had such a wonderful time that I could not believe anyone would just let that go so easily. I still don't get it.
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I plan to dress up and go out both Saturday night and Sunday, and I have no intention of meeting any strangers and taking them home. I have learned not to let my heart get stomped so easily. But I see where my melancholy disposition comes from now about Halloween, which used to be my favorite holiday. It now has a history of being the night of heartbreak.
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Oh, hell, every night now has a history of heartbreak, so BFD. It's just another day.

So hard to let go.

2010-10-06T02:28:00.001-07:00

Since our vibration is rising ever faster, things that no longer serve us move out of our influence and sphere more and more. It is so hard to let some things go. It is hard to let fantasies go. They are portals to other dimensions where life is much better than it is here. It hurts like hell to admit that they are not real and that life will never be as we desired. What will take the place of these old habits of thought? We can only imagine and hope for the best. The entire process feels so empty and sad.

I can't even bring myself to write it down.

2010-10-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

Instead I'll just watch and wait, and see what happens next.

Who AM I?

2010-09-28T02:05:00.000-07:00

What am I DOING here?

I did not work my way through college, which took ten years, and finance it with loans that took fifteen years to repay, because it was FUN. I did it because I was told that I needed an education in order to be a worthy citizen and proper and desirable mate - I did it to ensure that I would find a partner.

I did not continue working in a career that I hated for almost 15 years because it was FUN, I did it in order to gain security and to be able to pay my way and to have stability, all things that would be valuable in my search for a partner.

I did not move to San Francisco because I thought it would be FUN, I moved there because I thought I would finally meet thousands of other boys, just like me, who wanted a partner.

I retired to Palm Springs because I like the weather here, and because I thought I would meet lots of other friends who also like the weather, and that I might find a partner.

All of which has been a colossal failure. No partner.

Who AM I? What would my life be like if I had not been motivated by finding my other half? What will it be like now that I have to accept the fact that I don't have a partner and will likely never have a partner? What is it that I want to do with myself? What pleases me and gives me happiness? I am not sure that I even know the answers. Do I even want to continue to exist in this reality with no partner? I can't find comfort no matter where I look, and always thought that I might find comfort by having a partner to rub and massage my aching body, to hold me in his warm arms, to touch my skin to divert pain signals, to shop and cook and eat good food all the time, things I am unable to do by myself. And of course to have a tantric and sensual sexual relationship.

I have always thought of myself as half of a couple that has just not found each other yet. Now that I have to face the fact that I am *not* half of a couple, what do I do now? The fantasy of finding love is just that - a fantasy! I have to begin living in the real world and stop deluding myself. But in order to do that, I have to unlearn everything I ever learned about who I thought I was and who I intended to become.

My God. If being alive and awake is uncomfortable, and if I cannot find comfort no matter where I look, and if I can no longer find comfort in the delusion that I might find my other half someday, what's left?

What's left.

More Ascension Blues.

2010-09-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have been releasing some deep toxic slime and cellular level memories and other garbage. Which is a good thing. I have come to understand why I have nothing in common with other gay men and why I do not get along with them and why I cannot find a partner. I embody the Divine Feminine in both my personality and my higher self. I am all about nurturing, togetherness, relationships, and all the other delicious things that the Divine Feminine represents. Gay men, as a whole, have rejected all things feminine. So, they have therefore rejected me. And I them.

While this is somewhat comforting, to know the actual reason for my status of being a social outcast, it is very troubling on another level. Since I so desired to have a loving partner, a relationship, and since I had so much invested in finding that for myself so that I could have the comforts of sexuality and relationship, I still find myself totally lost since I have no Plan B. Even though I understand on an intellectual level why I am in this situation, and no longer feel as though something is "wrong" with me, it is still very disappointing and saddens me greatly.

All I can do is continue to hold the energy of the Ascension, continue to honor the Divine Feminine within my own nature, and watch from the sidelines as the world self-destructs as we move into the Age of Aquarius. I finally know that there is nothing on this earth for me. I came here to assist with the transformation of the planet. Yes, I mourn and I yearn for Home. I despise being alone without a partner, but I understand that my role on earth means that I might never find one.

At least the financial difficulty from the surgery/retirement/move/bankruptcy has settled down now, and the bills are paid and the refrigerator is full. And I got weed. At least I can watch the world self-destruct from the sidelines in relative comfort. I just wish it did not have to be in isolation.

I'm going to help out my mom for a number of months in order to keep the bank from getting her house and all the cash that was put into it. That is my fucking inheritance we are talking about. After that, I am free to go wherever I want to go, although nowhere in the Unites States appeals to me. I have to find the place, the country, where there is a gay community where relationships are fostered and where there are others who embody the Divine Feminine. I know I am not the only one. And that is the only reason I would move. There is no reason to uproot myself again and go somewhere else and still be in isolation just like I am here. I like the weather here. I want a house with a pool. I can probably get that here next year for cheap. I just did not envision myself living out my retirement years in isolation. What a shock to the system.

Gay Rights.

2010-09-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

At first, the filibuster in the Senate today, led by John McCain, just frosted my balls. They are SO FUCKING PISSED that Judge Walker ruled Prop 8 unconstitutional, and now Don't Ask Don't Tell has also been ruled to be the same, that they are going to obstruct all the way to the Supreme Court and beyond. What a colossal waste of time and energy.

So, what I have realized about gay rights, minority rights, civil rights, etc., is that while most certainly we want to oppose to discrimination of any kind, the idea of getting all bent out of shape is just a complete waste. We have to simply refuse to allow those people into our reality any longer. We have to exclude racists and bigots, and be ready to call them out on their shit and stand our ground rather than just get incensed and drawn into the schoolyard bully fights. There are hungry people on this shit hole of a planet, and all the warring over the diverse nature of sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with why we came to this planet. That is not how we handle things in the higher realms, and as we move forward into ascension and better anchor our higher selves into our bodies, we will simply refuse to participate in that drama any longer. How utterly tiresome. Mother Earth desires that we raise our frequency, but in fact is going to raise hers whether we want to or not. It's time to shit or get off the pot. The ship is sailing. The rapture is here. Only it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the garbage spit out by todays' evangelical Christian Reformation. Oh. Boy. Yeah, basically, religion of the nature we have now on earth just are not going to be a part of the New Earth. All is One, One is All. It is that simple.

And, generally speaking, we to revisit Herman Melville's and other colonial authors' accounts of the Puritanical moralizing, and its destruction of individuals and communities. It is time to review the Dark Ages, when the world was ruled by Christianity. Do we REALLY want to go back there? OF COURSE NOT. And what better way to avoid it than to simply refuse to allow it to exist. Push it out to the sides of our society, bit by bit, continue to scorn and embarrass those who perpetrate racism and sexism and bigotry of all kinds, until they are squeezed into a corner like the Mormons were squeezed into Utah. Too bad they did not stay there.

So yeah, I am not going to sweat it anymore. The law is on our side, the Jesus freaks are going to come unglued, but that cannot keep us from claiming our human rights and extending them to all who we encounter. They can kick and scream and obstruct all they want, and they will. By refusing to engage in the dialogue, by refusing to give them any acknowledgement other than to say that they are rude, and if that does not work that they are insane for still living in that paradigm, and to go ahead and claim our full standing as citizens, they will be marginalized quickly. We need a national campaign to join a group whose sole purpose is to say that we identify ourselves as intolerant of discrimination of any kind. With a logo and a bumper sticker. And a t-shirt. And hat. Let's just embarrass them to death.

How much do I harp on the necessity of hugs...

2010-09-14T02:50:00.001-07:00

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/09/14/mother-saves-baby-that-doctors-left-for-dead.aspx

Reconnection.

2010-09-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

I readily admit that I have allowed my train to derail lately. I haven't been taking care of myself. I am not eating. Nothing seems to console me. I get lost in the endless hours and days and weeks of the never ending battle with pain, and the last thing I need is the very thing I have the most of - too much time alone in my head. Today Michael called me and helped to set my train back upright on the tracks, for which I am very thankful. It was the first time in a long, long time that I felt as though we were connected. And even though we have talked about it a million times or more, and even though he doesn't "get it" that I feel so totally isolated from the world, it doesn't matter. He was there for me, again, and I am thankful. He has this way of grounding me that I haven't been able to master on my own yet, and I miss our interactions very much.

I wonder if I will ever be able to feel that sense of belonging without any assistance. Maybe someday. It certainly is a big huge part of the fantasy I have about having a loving partner, who is there for me on a daily basis to make me feel that I belong - that I matter to someone.

He said he had been very anxious all weekend, and even still into today. I just hate that, and I wish I knew what it was about, or how I could help, or how I could direct him to a way to make that disappear from his mental process. The fact that he and Jesse both suffer with this and that I am helpless about it is just another of the many disappointments that come from being alive. We are bombarded daily with reason after reason after reason to be disappointed in things, in life, in ourselves, in God, in "the way things are." And our challenge is, in the face of all those disappointments, to find our happy center anyway. To accept.

On the first call he woke me up, and shortly let me go. On the second call, he wanted to know if I had gotten up yet, which of course I had not, and he wanted to know why not. He said he wanted to be talking to me while I was out in the sunshine. I protested that it was just too hot. He asked why don't I turn on the misters. So, I dragged my weak, dizzy ass up and went outside to have a smoke while we talked and turned on the misters. The sun was quite hot, but the misters kissed my skin with a delicious coolness that I have not felt in many weeks. One of the simplest pleasures that I had given up even trying, because of being lost in the mental maze that tells me that I will never ever find my way out, and that I will never be comfortable again in my own body, that I will never be happy, that I will never find love or understanding. So just because of his call to find out what was happening with me, he prompted me to do the simplest thing for myself that helped reawaken my senses, to become more grounded, to appreciate the sensual nature of the contrast between the hot sunshine and the cool mist on my body.

His concern was genuine, his presence was heartfelt. No wonder I am crazy about him.

Later I went for a nice sit-down meal at a local restaurant. I plan to go to the store tomorrow to get fruit and vegetables to juice so that I can strengthen my body and immune system and begin to repair my health and mental state. I feel better now. It's going to be OK. I still intend, after all these years, to find and to have someone as sexy as he is here with me, loving me, every day, so that I can have the comfort that such a connection brings. Until then, I can drag my naked ass outside to lie on the chaise lounge under the bright sunshine and cool misters, and love every moment of it.

Meanwhile, I am thankful for my friends.

Lauren nails it again.

2010-08-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

http://consciousco-creationalcoaching.blogspot.com/2010/08/losing-hope-final-attachment.html

"Monday, August 16, 2010"

"Losing Hope: the final attachment"

"Remember in the last update when I said...."if we can walk through this VERY narrow doorway, fully present and completely void of an agenda, we will experience a major shift on many levels"?

Well, not that I need to tell you, but we are still trying to squeeze our full-bodied selves through that very small opening. And our success rate...or the ease by which it happens... has everything to do with the "completely void of an agenda" part.

Truth is, most of us want through that doorway so badly that we are trying e v e r y t h i n g we can think of to bust down that door and get the hell out of Dodge.

We're being forced through sheer frustration to find our way out of this paradoxical box we've locked ourselves into...forced into surrendering to a new way of seeing and doing things, to accessing and using a whole new set of tools in an entirely new realm of human experience.

Trying and Prying

The last few weeks...but days especially...feelings of hopelessness and desperation abound. We have been frantically trying to access this portal to our new lives, scraping our nails against the grain, in search of even the tiniest clutch hold that will offer us the ability to pry that door ajar.

Each time we find a groove deep enough to leverage the door's heavy mass, we loose our grip, the door slams shut and we fall back into our old ways, into those old energies that we are fighting to be free of."

READ THE WHOLE THING ON HER WEBSITE LINKED ABOVE.

I hate this planet.

2010-08-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

And I want off.

There.

I said it.

This was just not supposed to happen.

2010-07-31T03:28:00.000-07:00

His name was Anthony.

I met him in Arlington, Texas, on a sultry, steamy September North Texas night. My belongings were almost completely packed. I was leaving in a few days to move to San Francisco, to resume the career that I had walked away from four short months earlier, in a more prestigious capacity, and at a much higher income level. He was three days from deployment to a new station in the Army, far away from Texas. He was interesting to talk to online and on the telephone. I certainly had no reason to sit at home and pass up a massage trade.

He was much taller than your average Texan, and muscular, but very slender and stealthy - a very commanding presence. Proud. Respectful. Open. Non-judgmental. It was very east to be around him. He accepted you completely down to the hair on your little toes. He had the smoothest, most beautiful cocoa brown skin I had ever experienced the pleasure of touching. Fortunately for both of us, he appreciated and adored being massaged as much as I loved to touch him.

This was just a couple of months shy of ten years ago, now, but it is difficult to get clear visual images of this event in my mind's eye. This is because I immediately blocked the entire memory as well as I could, knowing that living with the memory would be torturous and haunting. And yet, with all that energy focused on memory suppression, here we are anyway, ten years later, and I'm wondering, "Is he the one that got away?"

I know that I was immediately surprised at how calm, cool, and collected, well-dressed, and just all-around sharp he was, even in the most dreadfully humid and hot conditions. These were the nights after the days where the concrete was melting, because it was so hot and humid. And I remember his calves - he had beautiful, silky-smooth calves. I could have held them forever. And a long, curved penis that was otherwise just beautiful, to contrast the perfect straightness of my own. Of course, we both knew before meeting that the situation was what it was, that we were ships passing in the night, most likely never to be seen again, and yet, were interested enough to meet, and I must say, he was a keeper. It was a drag because I think he kinda felt the same way. It was a very strange, almost surreal parting, and it is the last memory that I have before beginning to drive the car across to Los Angeles, and then north to my new home in San Francisco, with the back window painted with shoe polish that proclaimed, "San Francisco or BUST."

I would not have minded deciding to never mind the job in San Francisco, and instead following Anthony around the country on his Army destinations. Don't Ask, Don't Tell had become the Law of the Land, and this was not an uncommon occurrence, even before DADT was enacted. But at least I had proven to myself after years of unsuccessful dating attempts that I was *not* the only like-minded person, and that there were others out there who appreciated the kind of intimacy that I enjoy. Constantly touching. I'll spare you the pornographic details (but will talk about it with anyone who asks). God, I even loved licking his belly button. He was just delicious. Having total acceptance of each others' mental processes, thoughts, and feelings.

Isolation is not the way it was supposed to be for me. I was supposed to have constant interaction with a like-minded soul whose curiosity, courage, and sensuality allowed us to explore intimacy in many areas. And the physical intimacy was awesome, without shame, without objectification, and was the direct result of our deep connection on another dimension of existence, one where we both loved to be. Only I haven't yet found another Anthony. This was just not supposed to happen.

Is it him that I hear calling me, or someone else, far away, knowing that I am here waiting for them, trying to find them? What can I do to increase the resonance or strength of my signal, so as to better broadcast my desire in order to be able to attract others on my same frequency? How do I find them?

To unplug or not to unplug; that is the question.

2010-07-30T00:28:00.000-07:00

So why exactly am I paying $91.41 per month to Time Warner for TV/internet/phone and why am I paying $97.85 per month to AT&T for the iPhone?

I'm just saying. I could hire hookers for that kind of money, that I pay to stay connected so that I never hear from anybody. WTF?

I remember when I was little you did not dare call anyone outside the immediate area because it was exorbitantly expensive for us poor folks. And now we are all wired 24/7 and are less talkative than ever. I INTEND TO STAY MORE CONNECTED BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS.

The Deed is Done.

2010-07-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

Actual email conversation after sending Frankie the response I received from Desert Program for Social Services, where they can do an intake and find out what he qualifies for:

"yo, what is social services"

"You know, help with housing, food stamps, counseling, medical care, and any other social program that might be available for someone who is homeless and jobless."

"okay I will check that out"

"Yes, please, because I want my tranquil house back, like I told you at the beginning of June. You are going to have to make some sort of arrangement to go live somewhere else."

"okay. when do you want me out"

"I don't understand the relevance of that question. I told you that I wanted you to move in June but you didn't go anywhere."

Step One completed.

2010-07-29T16:16:00.000-07:00

I have my car back.

My mom is going to front me the cash for one month so that I can pay the car payment now that I spent it on an illegal tow.

Step two - getting rid of Frankie so that I can have my tranquil house back and crawl into a hole and never see another human as long as I live. People just hurt me continuously, whether intended or not, and I can't stand it for one more moment.

How funny - an article describing the EXACT TOPIC of my last post.

2010-07-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

I mean, isn't fighting this phenomenon the Human Condition?

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/07/29/some-people-are-simply-too-selfdeceived-to-know-they-are-ignorant.aspx

David Dunning, a Cornell professor of social psychology, became fascinated by the true story of McArthur Wheeler, an incompetent bank robber who believed that rubbing your face with lemon juice rendered you invisible to video cameras.

Dunning wondered whether, since Wheeler was too stupid to be a bank robber, he might also be too stupid to know that he was too stupid to be a bank robber. In other words, his stupidity protected him from an awareness of his own stupidity.

Dunning wondered if the principle could be applied to more people than just Wheeler, and along with graduate student Justin Kruger, he wrote the paper, "Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties of Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-assessments."

According to the New York Times:

"Dunning and Kruger argued ... 'When people are incompetent in the strategies they adopt to achieve success and satisfaction, they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it.

Instead, like Mr. Wheeler, they are left with the erroneous impression they are doing just fine.'"

Now is the time, Roger Ingraham

2010-07-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

http://www.panachedesai.com/site/

8 months in the desert. Alone.

2010-07-28T23:24:00.000-07:00

I have to be strong.

Who knew that *I* would be the most sane and strong person here.

It's pathetic.

Welcome to Earth - it hurts. A free-will zone is inherently a rough place to be.

The path of a Light Warrior is lonely indeed.

This planet is so fucked up, and it is the way it is because of US.

WE have to be the change we wish to see. It really is that simple.

UPDATE:

I feel as though I am the only sane and stable person I know. The irony is so ridiculous, because the more I can recognize insanity in others means the more I can see it in myself, peeking at me from behind shadows all around me. Which I will illustrate as we go:

But one thing is for sure, I have to get help for Frankie. I will offer him the opportunity to submit to whatever public assistance I can find for him, and if he does not accept, he cannot stay here with me any longer. So, he can choose the streets or the help.

But he is not emotionally equipped to deal with reality. The sickening part is that I have realized that most people aren't.

He was so completely desperate to get a job and try to secure some sense of stability, that upon awakening late, being unable to wake me by talking to me, not having the sense to come and shake me awake after we apparently carried on a conversation but I still did not move or get up (I am a deep sleeper first thing in the morning and if I am not up and walking, I am not conscious yet), that he decided to hop in the car and drive himself the 2.5 miles to the interview, with a suspended drivers' license, got stopped by the police, and got my car impounded. A person who finds themselves in this situation, while really trying to do the right thing and to improve their circumstances in life, has something wrong with their decision-making process. He'll never make it if he does not get counseling and supervision.

A person who drinks alcohol and then with the resulting impaired judgment, continues to have anonymous, unprotected sex with people even after having contracted HIV, has something wrong with their decision-making process. He'll never make it if he does not get counseling and supervision.

A person whose insecurity makes them vulnerable enough to return to an abusive relationship, hoping that it will change and become the relationship of your dreams, over and over again, getting new physical scars from the abuse time after time, has something wrong with their decision-making process. He'll never make it if he does not get counseling and supervision.

He's not a bad person. He was raised by gangsters and all his brothers are heroin addicts, his mother passed away, he has no education or any idea of how civilization works, but he wants to do the right thing. He just can't see past his own programming and faulty reality constructs to understand what "the right things to do" actually *IS* - it is no fault of his own.

So yeah, it's going to be an interesting few days. I am going tomorrow to the impound hearing and plead leniency to the official, and explain this situation, and hopefully the car will be released to me. Then, I will have the discussion with Frankie and give him the opportunity to find social services, or to hit the streets again.

Then, I am going to write a list of the reasons that I am the most sane and stable individual I know. I am going to write down examples of the situations I see in lives around me that I just refuse to put up with, and explain why all those situations come from a place of having something wrong with your decision-making process, and how thankful I am to have avoided being in such positions myself.

I hope this gives me the courage to then write down a list of situations in my OWN life that are the result of having something wrong with MY decision-making process. Because there is no reason whatsoever that I should not have groupies of people. I am brilliant, I am compassionate, I have integrity, I am generous, I am insightful, I am PURE LOVE. And to remain alone and lonely and without an entourage is a situation that is a result of having something wrong with my decision-making process. And who knows what kind of trauma induced the emotional blocks that led to the problems with my decision-making process. I'll need strength.

I INTEND TO BE PATIENT AND EASY ON MYSELF AND OTHERS DURING THIS EXTRAORDINARY TIME OF TRANSITION ON OUR PLANET. HEALING IS ON THE WAY.

UPDATE:

All my thoughts lead me back to the idea of once I am free from Frankie's level of drama caused by the decisions he makes, how do you go out in society and deal only with people whose decision-making process is at least on the same level or above your own? How to interact with a community but refuse to interact with unnecessary inconvenience and suffering brought about by the faulty decision making of others? The only people I would think who have NO faulty decision making would be ascended masters, and I certainly am not one of those remarkable individuals. So, is this an illusion, that I am going to find these other people out there with advanced decision-making processors, or am I going to have to teach others how to raise the quality of their decisions? At some point, I have to be careful and not want to impose my will onto another sovereign being - I can show them all day long how many options they have for making other decisions, but ultimately, they have free will to choose bad decisions. And I have to forgive those. But does that mean I have to entertain them and be around them? Not as long as they are impacting me in a negative way, no, I don't think it is unreasonable for me to want to be isolated from that if I so choose. Of course, the opposite reaction I am creating in the universe from that is now the fact that I have to allow others to want the same isolation from ME if they do not want to be impacted by any decision that I am making. So it is a very tangled web of information, it is incredible to see how we are all connected. It is so easy to see that as long as we refuse to house and feed EVERYONE including the poor and the infirm and the elderly and the uneducated that we will never survive as a species.

I INTEND TO BE PATIENT AND EASY ON MYSELF AND OTHERS DURING THIS EXTRAORDINARY TIME OF TRANSITION ON OUR PLANET. HEALING IS ON THE WAY.

Happy Mayan New Year!

2010-07-27T03:23:00.000-07:00

If I were not witnessing it for myself, I would not be so willing to talk about the dramatic energy shift today. The past few weeks have been just horrible and could not possibly continue much longer. And there did not seem to be any forward movement about ANY of it. It was simply unbearable. And FINALLY, today, with the new Mayan Calendar cycle, all the stuck energy burst wide open and movement there was.

I've been in this argument with this Tea-Party leader in the comments section of my last post, who says that he is baffled by my intense hatred for him, and that he is surprised that I want him to die just because we think differently is a foreign concept to him. And I'm thinking, yeah, that's because you are a straight white guy, with all its inherent privileges in society. And also, he is too dumb to know what satire is. But anyway, I am glad I got his attention and I hope that he can see how offensive his ideas are to many of us. I doubt it. But I can dream.

I blogged about having another direct experience with Unity Consciousness at the last moon cycle. And now, today, I see massive evidence that it has grabbed the attention of much of humanity. I knew that more and more people were getting it, but now the planetary wave of Unity is unstoppable. It is so exciting to see it begin to fall into place. Imagine. Peace.

I am so curious to hear about the Prop 8 trial, because it is either going to really energize the bigots, or, it is really going to drive them completely over the edge to the point where they start freaking out and trying to segregate themselves from gay people. Yes, they are THAT crazy. It is going to be an interesting fall.

Not so down anymore.

2010-07-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

The recent cycle of eclipses was brutal, and the energies were awful. But new insights occurred at the bottom of the depression (as usual, they just get worse and worse, followed by more and more insights). This time I experienced direct knowledge of Unity Consciousness, just like when I first started hanging out with Jess and Michael at the end of 2006. Only this time, I have studied and meditated and gained so much knowledge that I knew what was happening.

I have learned that I must no longer spend any energy on finding a partner or anyone else in life and to pay no mind to anyone who does not have direct knowledge of Unity Consciousness, or who does not at least want to learn about it. This way, I will avoid continuing to attract people who are still stuck in the ego-constructs of gay dating and life in general.

Poor Michael and Jesse have just been through the wringer. I know many people who are having a tough time right now for some reason or another. I continue to pray for everyone's healing and comfort, and alignment with their highest good, should they choose with their free will. We are coming together as One now on the planet, not a moment too soon.

Jesse called to check up on me and said my posts sounded really down. And they were, and I was, but I have taken a turn and am feeling better and learning more and more. So The cycle begins anew. I really dislike the fact that this is the mechanism through which this ascension business works with me. I'd like to calm the moodswings down if at all possible, and hereby ask my guides to get to work on that. :)

So much love for everyone, words don't begin to describe my appreciation.

Summer of Love?

2010-07-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm reading my Facebook page seeing pictures and stories posted by all the happy couples about their travels and adventures. Of course, couples get to save 50% on housing costs, so they have way lots more disposable income than singles. I watch other friends struggle with illness and family members growing older, and I wonder if they understand how fortunate they are to be coupled while this is going on - I had to do it all alone when my mom had kidney disease. Hell I'm still doing it all alone, having to help out my mom financially, straining my already thin budget that comes from singledom.

Really, when you get down to it, I'd rather be dead than single and without the daily love and support that partnership brings.

It's overwhelming.

2010-07-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

I miss the boys too much. I feel so hopeless about the politics of the country. I hate the polarization and the conservatism and the racism and the homophobia. I just despise the fact that our country and the black ops that we fund are so involved in war and wreaking havoc and terror globally. The economic news is so draining - I feel very fortunate, and wonder how people make it who are not as fortunate as I am? At the same time, I wonder why gay men are not more open to having loving, committed partnerships because of all the millions of benefits, like living expenses going down when you have two people together (not to mention suffering less loneliness, less depression, having better health and longer life than people who are not happily partnered - well the benefits are endless, I won't even bother with that here - it is a whole other post by itself). I hate it that gay men have no clue about how to be platonic friends without it becoming sexual somehow, because I love intimacy of all sorts. I hate the amount of difficulty and hardship and stress and financial problems and health problems that everyone is dealing with. It's just too much. All of it. Is just too much.

7-11-10 Total Solar Eclipse energy alert - by yours truly.

2010-07-11T01:18:00.001-07:00

So, right now I wanted to document some of what I am picking up from the energies immediately preceding the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse tomorrow afternoon. We are about 3/4 of the way through the 6th Night of the Galactic Underworld of the Mayan Calendar. The end of this month will mark the first births of children conceived during the 6th Night. Just a couple of short weeks ago, we had a lunar eclipse during the full moon, and now we are in the between-time culminating tomorrow. It should be like the rollercoaster being dropped from the top of the cliff.

I am sensing a very strong collective focus on the archetypal Christ Consciousness wanting to be born on Earth. While this is a very good thing, it can manifest with feelings of severe depression, of the desire to literally die and be reborn, of suicidal urges even. Many of us are frustrated with our seeming inability to change our personal and the collective realities and are just at the point where we are throwing out hands up and saying, "Fuck This." No matter what we do or try, the same old shit is in our way, and we know that it has to go before we can move forward again. Labor pains for sure.

Archangel Metatron has delivered a message for July urging those of us who are single to cherish our solitude, for we have created it in order to master ascension, and we have a great opportunity to do some self-reflection and inner work that others do not have. While this is of no comfort to us, because we crave intimacy and the reassurance that comes from the total acceptance of another, I suppose we can rest assured that when relationships do finally present themselves that we are going to be in tip-top shape to create very high-vibrating partnerships based upon sovereignty and love. So we have to resist the temptation to kill ourselves before the main event that we have been working toward for so long shows up! We have come too far to give up now.

We have to force ourselves to turn away from the mainstream media, from the disaster television, from focusing on the tragedies in the Gulf of Mexico and other parts of the world where oil spills and pollution are ruining the natural environment, where humans are shown savagely acting out on others, etc. If it is happiness, joy, and unity we desire, then it is on those things we must focus our attention. This can be incredibly difficult even for those of us who have been detached from TV for many years, because the new sources of information on the internet have our attention now. Closely guarding the frequency of our own experience is necessary.

The incredible feeling of being completely stuck, and wanting literally to die so that we can end this madness and start over again, can be our impetus for taking one last look at how we can take control of the creation process in area where we have not yet mastered the flow of creation, so that we can birth the reality that we long for so much.

Fasten your seat belts as the rollercoaster gets ready to take off down the cliff. I feel that either a large number of souls are getting ready to leave the planet en masse, or else there will be some other natural disaster of such magnitude that we cannot currently fathom, that is going to finally cause the corrupt structure to crash down around us. And good riddance. But it is not going to be easy. It is my greatest desire that we find the unity we crave, and thank all of you for participating in this adventure.

Dive In!

2010-07-07T03:05:00.000-07:00

Into the pool, that is - the heater was on this weekend and it is really warm now. I got to float in the pool for a couple hours on Saturday and Sunday, and, other than it is extremely unpleasant to lie on my stomach on the float now that my torso is completely fused, I rather enjoyed it. I hope to have the pool all to myself during the week so that I can float some more. (Better for being able to float naked). Soon I will be more brown than naturally brown-skinned people. YUM.

New Meetup group...

2010-07-07T01:43:00.000-07:00

Finally we have a weekly meetup group here in Palm Springs devoted to one of my favorite authors, Esther Hicks, who channels Abraham. I have been trying to find a group to replace the Light Bearers of the World meetup that I was attending twice per month in Irvine, and this might just be it. And lo and behold, the group does have several very nice and attractive single gay men. Not that I expect to be dating any of them, but it sure is good to begin to fill the void caused by my extreme isolation, which is aggravated by my medical condition, and my anti-social behavior that was learned over the years as I found nothing but ridicule and rejection from the gay community. At least it is a start.

Wow I miss my OC peeps.

The Sunday Night Blues.

2010-07-06T01:35:00.000-07:00

It has been about 4 weeks since I saw a living human being (besides the clerk at the store). It occurred to me after being totally isolated all during this holiday weekend that the reason that I hate Sunday Nights and holiday Monday nights and Valentine's Day and New Years' Eve and all those times when romantic partners are paired up at home, is that at those times I am able to sense that energy most of all, and I am devastated that I am not a part of it.

So, there it is. The pain I am most afraid of, the pain that I have been trying to evade all of my life, is here with me, and there is no escape. It was the only reason that I was ever motivated to do anything at all - the promise of a romantic partner. What are you supposed to do when all hope is lost?

Just say no to Guilt.

2010-06-17T04:15:00.001-07:00

Apparently, it causes all sorts of depression and psychosomatic illnesses.

I don't want to do guilt anymore.

I didn't even realize its hold on me until just now.

Yikes.

"You’ve Got a Friend"

2010-06-15T00:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.healyourlife.com/blogs/louise-hay-blog/youve-got-a-friend

"Friendships can be our most enduring and important relationships. We can live without lovers or spouses. We can live without our primary families, but most of us can’t live happily without friends. There’s a great need in most of us to share life experiences with others. Not only do we learn more about others when we engage in friendship, but we can also learn more about ourselves. Friends can be mirrors of our self-worth and esteem. They afford us the perfect opportunity to look at ourselves, and the area where we might need to grow.

Ask yourself these questions to help you look at the friends in your life:
What were your first childhood friendships like? How are your friendships today like those? For example, “I always allowed myself to be bossed around by my friends. I still look for friends who are bossy.” What did you learn about friendship from your parents? What kind of friends did your parents have? What kind of friends would you like to have in the future?

Remember: the best friend you have in the entire world is YOURSELF!

Let’s affirm: I trust myself, I trust life, and I trust my friends."

High Heart chakra, or Thymus gland.

2010-06-15T00:03:00.000-07:00

Whenever you feel that overwhelming emotion of unconditional love, and feel like there is nobody to give it to, allow yourself to feel your heart next to the thymus gland, and allow that love to pour from your heart into the thymus gland or "high heart," as it is known, between the heart and throat chakras. Give it to yourself.

Very timely.

2010-06-14T00:27:00.001-07:00

http://eternalgodliness.punt.nl/index.php?r=1&id=511768&error=&wachtwoord=&archief=&tbl_archief=#form

As received by Gillian MacBeth-Louthan

Welcome dear children, we are the Pleiadian Council of Light, we come forth and wrap our arms of light around you. yes, dear ones we know we have left you by the wayside, yes dear ones we know and hear your cries in the night and yes we stand back as we watch our dear children of the stars battle what is dark, chaotic, and without hope. We stand along side the battlefields of your life as great generals of light that seek to know they have taught their soldiers well. The generals themselves do not walk into the battlefields but stand by to lead and instruct.We are above in the crescents of light and you are down in the valley of shadows. we watch your hopes leap from the cliffs as we ourselves bear the brunt of what you are feeling – the pain and the despair. The divine intervention has not yet set flight. we ask you to hold tight Dear ones, to what you know is truth.

You innately hold a seed of hope and light that can never dim. It is this place that you must seek refuge from the daily flogs of self-pity. It is in this place that you will find peace. It is in this place, this tiny point of original source light that we can align with you taking you to a new level of love. As your humanness grows more confused and giant like in all of its frailties, and fears you will begin to cast a bigger shadow. Every doubt, every fear, every point of escape reality clause within you casts a very long shadow. You feed what is dark by your fears and allowing yourself to become a victim over and over again. You grow heavy as unleavened bread with each word of negativity from one to another. It is you, dear one, that cast this shadow and it is you, dear ones, that must retract that darkness and not let it blind your light. You stand at a threshold of molecular decomposition. You come to a decompression point like a balloon that spins you out of control. You stand in between here and there without defining there. You float about in-between matter, and anti-matter. You try heartily to hold on to who you knew yourself to once be but it is like hugging Marley’s ghost, you cannot touch it. You hold tightly and deeply to your memories of when life seemed simple and easy. Memories have a way of rewriting the emotion attached to them. Your humanness is despondent for it feels as it has lost control of the good ship of lollipops. You feel as if life tricks you into a corner painting yourself into a place that is triangular and fanlike of shape. Once you believed with all of your heart and soul that you could manifest and create whatever you desired. Once you believed so much deeper than the wellspring of your belief at this point of life. You have given up, The sound of that giving up beckons its self like A shot in the dark. You have allowed the dark mistress of life to slap you into a place of submission. You have allowed matter to own you. The very molecules of your light discuss your future, and conjoin in attitudes throughout your day. Every aspect of your being, both positive and negative, flows as a battery charge. Imagine that you are storing light like a solar device and you have a positive charge or you have a negative charge. Imagine every thought of your 186,000 second day you are positively charging or negatively charging the solar battery of your life. Earth is a funhouse, dear ones, you see and take life too seriously. You are in a place in between here and there, a place of pretend, a place that sculpts itself from your positive or negative charge to every thought and situation. The energy of time wraps around you in the tightness and the ‘not’ that you so wish to tie. You have timed yourself into a limited existence. The vibrations of life are an ever-changing illusion. They seem real to the touch and they seem real to the taste but they are not. Your humanness is looking for a way out of present situations, present dilemmas. Looking for a new solution since nothing you have learned in the past now avails itself to you. We ask you to step outside of yourself and at the same time step into the very deep abyss into your single cell of light and see yourself. See the beauty that you are, the master that you are, the being of light that you are deep in this place of you. You must gather you if you are to walk into the creational fullness of your life. Each and every day you step forward without being in the fullness of your own light. Each and every day you wake up worrying about what will the day bring and what is the debris from yesterday. You are a pro-creator and activist in your life. You are not standing by the sidelines cheering your life on. you are the person behind the curtain as well as the one with ruby slippers on. Yes, life beats at your door like a hungry wolf. Yes, life breaks through your protection. Yes, life is thick and dark and sticks to the bottom of your sole. you are light and you can be nothing but light – the layers of self you wear as winter clothing on the hottest day of the year does not benefit you. The misery of others that beckons you down the rabbit hole, dear Alice, is part of the releasement and part of the karmic process you have signed up for being on Earth. the people in your life that trip you up, that snare you, that trap you are those that you are karmically in-debted to, on multi-levels. Many come upon the doorway of your heart scratching as a hungry bear in the night.. You stand in the center of this cabin feeling as if any minute you’ll be devoured by the very thing that comes upon you. you have asked to lose yourself in the higher light, you have asked to be above the earthly problems, you have asked for a retreat from worry. It is at this point of complete despair that you must breathe and enter your original point of light, the pure cell of God that lives within you. It is only at this place that your star brethren, your light brethren, the masters and beings of light can enter to assist you. Earth is so dense and congested and riddled with so many veils we are not able to get through, The angels are not able is not able to get through, The Christ, himself, is not able to get through. The star beings twinkle for you every night but you do not see it and feel it because the day has left you in a dense hardened place. The state of Grace must be awakened within you, it must be fueled from within you. Please dear ones with your thoughts go to this place of light, this single entrance of God within you. See the fullness of your being there and as you do, you see our presence. You see all those that have always loved you from earth and beyond. You see every master you have ever believed in. You see every heart you have ever touched and you see how you are pure love. Just be there for a moment, feel all those that believe in you, feel all those that love you, feel all those that are part of you on every level of DNA. You have never been deserted, you have never been abandoned. We stand by you and believe in you even when you do not believe in yourself. Everything has lent to the now - every incarnation, every word, every love, every hate. You are at the Apex of your light. What happens to you is reflected in your world. Instead of drowning in the sorrows of others you must stand united with us with all levels of your light and with all aspects of those that support you in light. When you hear of anothers sadness, do not drown as you rescue them, but stand in a place that is able to manifest an energy that will assist them. You are so loved beyond time and beyond space. You have been well seeded for this time, this place and you will be the saving grace by your belief and so it is. We are the Pleiadian Council of Light.

Anchoring Higher Self.

2010-06-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today I was able to access the higher version of myself that I was always so easily connecting with when I lived in Santa Ana when the "Gay Bar" used to be open. For the past few years, I have noticed an accelerating rate of the creation of my light body and then learning how to use it. Ultimately, to have this connection with my higher self at all times is the end product or goal of this process. I am so pleased to have graduated to the point where I can now access that on my own, after all my sweet friends showed me how to find it in the first place. Aren't they just the bomb?

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

Surprise visit!

2010-06-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

Cyndi and Michael paid me a surprise visit and lunch today, what a treat. And I did not even take any pictures. We saw doggies at the restaurant. I need a doggie! And then I found an outdoor mister kit for cheap at Home Depot - need to go back for some clamps, actually. And got some flowering vines too. What a pleasant day! And started Claritin-D to get rid of the snotty nose. Feel that New Moon energy of change!

Thanks for coming, kids! Nice to see you! Love you miss you! SMOOCHES

2010-06-11T20:58:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvCTFQtREa0

Approaching New Moon 6-12-10

2010-06-11T01:47:00.000-07:00

Feel the energy shift as we approach the New Moon. The astrology just gets more and more intense as we approach summer and the planetary alignments culminating with the Grand Cross coming this year. Less than 500 days remain until the Mayan Calendar resets, and we begin the new 12,500 year cycle, the new 25,000 year cycle, and who knows how many fractals are resetting themselves in 2012. Lots.

For me the anxiety has continued to build, but at the same time my awareness level just keeps expanding more and more, such that now I just don't want any part of anything anxious or energy draining or emotionally imbalanced at all any more. Ever. I want to stop wrestling with my own mind. I want a greater level of acceptance, of myself, of my experience, of my worthiness. I am fascinated by the changes in my self-esteem, adventurousness, and the level of fun and humor in my life. In particular, I had experienced the meteoric up and crashing down after moving to San Francisco, and then leaving there jobless, hopeless, and then rocketing back up with my job at the U.S. Department of Labor. Now, being in retirement, and having deteriorating physical health, I find my self-esteem battered in new ways, and I have reacted to this by lashing out. I profusely apologize for any action, word, and behavior that came from the place of lashing out at my dissatisfaction with myself.

So instead, I want to experience something else, acceptance, gratitude, a sense of curiosity and adventure again, happiness, contentment, and joy in learning. I take in so many things and yet I do not appreciate it fully, and I want to do that to maximize the joy derived from the process. There are more and more of us who are moving in the direction of being in constant contact with our higher selves while living on this planet, and I fully intend to be one of them and to master this exercise. It is the opportunity to move through the ascension into a higher realm of existence, and please allow me to verbalize that I want to live there. I want to live in a world where everyone is provided ample food, clothing, shelter, medical care, education, love, and freedom as the absolute basic minimum level of existence. I want to live in a world where the greater knowledge base is shared freely so that anyone can learn about any subject that they wish, at any time. I want to live in a world where we can choose to change our participation level, our occupation, our location, without the fear of being unable to support ourselves or to obtain what we need to survive. There is plenty for everyone. The games of distribution and scarcity must end. The controllers of the planet are not going to survive the coming changes that will require that the exploitation of others will no longer be permitted.

I want to be able to experience physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, spiritual intimacy with someone or multiple someones in order to experience the joy and connection to higher self that is facilitated therein. But, I want the connection to higher self regardless of whether or not intimacy of that nature presents itself to me.

I'm going to work on completely relaxing now, and maybe astral projection. To all, a Good Night!

I INTEND, THAT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM, IN EACH MOMENT!

CMG Pool Party today

2010-06-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

I am feeling drained and sick. Somehow I got out of the habit of drinking fresh-squeezed OJ and eating berries every morning, so I am having respiratory problems and a snotty nose. But, I am about to get up and go buy avocados and all that is needed to make a fabulous chilled salad for the pool party being thrown at a home very near my own - just a couple of blocks actually. It is a gay mens' gathering, clothing optional, and poolside. I had an accident with the razor while shaving a sensitive area, so I don't think I will go completely naked, but I have a tiny little black Speedo that will suffice. I LOVE the heat, makes me feel so good, makes my muscles stop the constant spasm. I just have to remember to stay hydrated and to get my fresh vitamin C so that I don't get sinus infections like the one I am fighting off now.

So, what I want is to go to this party and meet new people, but what always happens is that I go and I come back home without any new friends, and life goes back to the normal, boring pile of shit that it is. Men are not interested in me.

Why is it that I am going again? Oh, yeah, to make new friends, but that won't happen. It never happens. I did not create this situation, I am just relating to you what always happens without me even thinking about it. So, let me state the intention that I intend to come away from this party with at least one new friend, and we'll see whether the Law of Attraction is just a bunch of fucking bullshit or whether it works when you state your intentions.

The Wall

2010-06-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

I can sense in the background of my mind, the endless computation going on in my logic centers. They endlessly loop and regroup and evaluate and try to determine what variables exist that might be keys to changing my experience of the world. It has always been present, but I know that I have become more aware of it since I understood how many endless parallel realities exist, from moment to moment. And the two are very similar - standing in each moment with the awareness of how many different directions you can go, and thinking about situations with all the possible variations that you can think of - they are basically the same exercise, right?

So basically the logic processor has run out of ideas, can't mix up the stories any more than it already has, and therefore has Hit the Proverbial Wall. The experiences that I wish to have depend on the participation of others, over whom I have no control. So what I elect to do or not do, is irrelevant. So this is a major thing I have to look at here - so as to have the ability to recognize and admit to myself that I am not on control of these desired experiences.

In so doing, I would hope that I would be able to more easily move "downstream," as Abraham Hicks call it, and go with the natural flow, instead of fighting it the entire time, or trying to go "upstream."

Now, this is going to take some strength, but let's examine the benefits. By coming to terms with and being able to accept many things that I constantly fight and wish to remove from my experience, my focus would move away from those things, and Abraham also says that this means that those things would then naturally move out of my existence. I would be getting the desired result without expending so much energy. And that would be a good thing. But it means that I am going to be looking at judgments that I have and other personality issues that are not comfortable to look at - none of us wants to confront our dark sides and admit their presence. But if can keep forgiveness at the center of the exercise, both of self and of others, the acceptance process with flow more easily. This I know from direct experience.

So, rather than sit here and listen to the logic wheels spinning in my head, going nowhere, making me miserable, I suppose this is my next level of self-improvement showing me the path to follow. I want to stay on track. So, I have to figure out what is going to be the structure of this exercise. Do I list the things I would like to change or the experiences that I would like to have, and then work on assessing what are the control issues I have concerning them? On what it is that I have not accepted, and the ways that I am beating myself up for being unable to control/change the situations? That is sort of the direction, but I don't want to get focused on how I despise my current experience, or get stuck on thinking about what is "missing," or what I dislike. Of course, this is about releasing those things, so I have to figure out how to examine them without getting stuck and focusing on the wrong things. Let's see if I can practice one and demonstrate to myself what I mean so that I can refer to it later:

Let's start with the basic premise that is being taught in metaphysics these days, that "you create your own reality." I can understand that we may enter into soul contracts, both as individuals and in groups, to play different roles in the polarity integration game. Got that part. But I have been having a hard time wrapping my head around situations that totally depend on the participation and behavior of another person, of course over which we have no control. So I am totally not being able to reconcile in my head that idea that I am supposed to be able to"create" someone who loves me, who I love in return, or how I am "creating" the strained relationship between say, my sister and the rest of the family. I do not wish the situations to be the way they are currently, but nothing I attempt to do fails to change the circumstances, so I just don't get it that this is my "creation."

So, I have to be able to come to terms with and to accept that I feel as though I have no control over and am not creating these situations. And I have to be able to accept that it might very well be true that I am, but just don't understand the mechanics of it yet. This means, finally, being able to accept that there are things that I might just not be able to change or to accomplish or to experience in this life. Like being in love. Or seeing my sister find happiness and stop taking it out on everyone around her. So that means accepting that I am NOT in love and that I might never be. And that I might go to my grave wishing my sister had stopped hating all of us. And herself. And none of this is what I want. WTF?

So, what, do I have to sit and meditate on all these situations and allow myself to actually FEEL the crummy emotions that are going to accompany looking at these awful situations, so that I can move through them and onto acceptance? THIS IS GOING TO SUCK.

I sure do miss my Orange County crew. I'll have to look at accepting the fact that I miss them so much and that I fear that I will not find anymore friends with that strong a connection ever again. That really spooks me. So many years elapsed between the time I had friendships in high school and after that fell by the wayside, and between the time I found my Orange County crew, and it really upsets me to think that that many years or more might elapse before I find more like-minded peeps with whom to interact daily. I gotta accept so many different things, that I can't control other people, their choices, the ways that their choices affect me, how my choices affect others, allowing my experience of my present moment be tarnished by these emotions of lack and isolation etc., so I am going to be a busy person. Being a lightworker is hard work, letting the light into all these deep dark recesses of your mind and in this reality. I NEED STRENGTH AND SHOULDERS TO LEAN ON.

"I INTEND, TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM, IN EACH MOMENT!" - me

Blessings to everyone, I hope you are having a wonderful summer, I hope that your dreams are coming true, and I hope that you can create miracles now as we watch society as we know it collapse before our very eyes. Which is not altogether a bad thing. LOL!

"LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE."- me

I miss Will & Grace.

2010-06-01T03:01:00.001-07:00

I miss living in my life that was a Will & Grace episode.

Michael and Jesse and Marlene and Howie and Carol and Carrie (pre-marriage) and Avelina and Linda and Chuck and Anda and Neal (and now Helen) and Josh and...

But they say you can never go back.

Another whole year...

2010-05-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

...without so much as a kiss.

I wish I wasn't a romantic, and that I did not give a shit about affection. Of course then, I'd probably have more than I could deal with.

What a difference a New Moon makes.

2010-05-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

And we are also halfway through the Sixth Night of the Galactic Underworld of the Mayan Calendar, so much change is occurring rapidly. Today, after becoming open to the idea that I don't want to spend any more time on the human sexual polarity paradigm, I became aware of a new perspective taking over me, like being attuned to a higher consciousness. It's so trippy because it is not so completely different than this consciousness, the one in the third dimension, but rather just evaluates things without so many blinders on. Very eye-opening.

I see that humans are so stupid and waste so much time. Can we please get a grip as a single humanity that the organized religions who are trying so hard to impose their morality code upon everyone else have not yet mastered that very code themselves, they have lost the argument with their hypocrisy, and we really need to instead take a closer look at what is really going on in the world.

We don't have to put up with the governments' and leaders' view of reality, either. Or popular culture's.

Oh, oh - back to the human sexual polarity paradigm. The vibration of a fully energetically merged sexual experience, where multiple dimensions of reality are collapsed, is but a tiny glimpse of the nature of the frequency that awaits us outside the polarity paradigm. I am very interested to find out if I will be able to achieve any relief from the emotional damage wreaked upon me by the chaos and havoc of that reality now that I have become aware of the higher state outside that reality. Duality is not for the weak-stomached, or faint-of-heart. Brutality rules, and although we have made significant strides since the Dark Ages concerning the advancement of Human Rights, There is still a long way to go in only a short period of time. This is why we are seeing the rapid breakdown of things and many seemingly endless cases of corruption and deception as the darkness is purged from the planet. The hypocrisy surrounding Tiger Woods jumps out at me strongly, as humans missed the point entirely. Nobody has the right to judge that man, because nobody is exempt from at least the fantasy of what he was doing or worse, and many more than we care to admit are behaving in ways that contradict the social facade and agreed upon contractual behavior. Why was it that everyone felt so ready to pounce all over him? I thought the punishment did not fit the crime. Yeah, OK, it was really dirty the way he did the wife. And they will have to deal with that. But the whole Scarlett Letter thing? Turning the news into just a trashy checkstand tabloid? Really?

What else jumps out at me before I get side tracked...oh yeah. In our "rise" in going from an agriculture-based economy to a manufacturing economy and then so forth, to where we are today, we got side tracked as a humanity. Since the developments made it possible for people to have the time to move to the city and work creating advancements in technology, and all sorts of other things that have n0thing to do with providing the basic necessities of life, we forgot that the whole point of having this extra time to be able to do these things was to always ensure that everyone always had access to the basic necessities of life, even if they did not live on a farm. What a bunch of idiots humans are!

The same goes for the pursuit of love within the sexual polarity paradigm. If society is going to require persons to find a single partner with whom to share the pleasures of physicality, and is going to simultaneously shame persons who refuse to conform with the "standard and approved" model for this behavior, don't you think it would be much more productive for everyone if Love was made a priority, and finding it would be encouraged to the point where those actively seeking a loving relationship could be assembled into once place of their free choosing in order to meet others who were also seeking this type of relationship? Or, don't you think it would much better serve humanity for there to be ways to identify others who might be interested in dating, aside from physically separating us into groups? How hard could it be? Certainly, I would personally recommend helping everyone possible who desired such assistance to locate others with whom a similar awareness level and philosophy of life in order to find potential partners. Everyone deserves to have that! So why don't we as a humanity make that a priority instead of it being just another Darwinian exercise? The thing that separates us from the animals is the ability to step outside the Darwin model and exercise control over our biology when it comes to reproductive instinct. We do not have to be slaves to our biology - it can and should be fostered in each human, so as to assist each human's consciousness to be raised in the way that only a loving partnership can.

I was totally disconnected while writing that last paragraph - it twisted into a direction that I did not expect. I wonder where that came from - is it programming from somewhere/someone else, or is it a conclusion of mine based upon life experience, or is it neither of those?

Let's see if we can decipher.

If we were as a humanity, to ensure that everyone was given access to the basic necessities of life, to include a loving partnership, and if society were to assist everyone to have food, clothing, housing, shelter, medical care, and education, as well as access to others self-identified as wanting a spiritually aware, higher consciousness loving partnership, then there would be little reason for anyone to have power over anyone else or sexual control, exploitation, or, the torture of exclusion from the casual sex circuit, where being an outcast shows us what a despicable bunch we are, as a group. We owe it to ourselves to treat each other better than this, and if we do not, we will consume ourselves.

OMG and that a plant should be illegal. There are various societies in which the possession or ingestion of certain naturally occurring plant life forms is legislated to be criminal activity. That's like trying to regulate air or water or something else as insane. Are you kidding me? Plants?

I might continue this later. I downloaded a lot of stuff this time.

CON'T

And WHY do people allow their minor children to run loose for hours every day, screaming and hollering and getting into who knows what, when we should be teaching them how the world works, what we know about survival, how to grow food, how to study and read, how to analyze data, and all these extraordinary technological advances...humans sure waste a lot of time.

And karma is a funny thing to watch - when it belongs to someone else. The trick is to be able to see when it is causing things to show up for YOU. Then you can move through the lessons faster.

Let's break it down...

2010-05-13T04:29:00.000-07:00

If I'd rather die than be single and without the physical comforts of sexuality,

If I'd rather die than be a complete whore and have sex with strangers just for the sake of the physical aspect without any mental/spiritual/emotional connection, which is not pleasurable,

Since I cannot afford to pay a live-in rent boy to fake it and love me for my money,

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT

what's the remedy for wanting to die?

2010-05-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

without the physical expression of love I am finding it impossible to want to live. there is no point. I don't know what to do. No pill will cure this. I don't have the money to pay anyone to fake it. And I don't seem to have the traits necessary to organically attract the Love that is my birthright. That which I can no longer live without. I hate this planet.

lonely by Raymond A. Foss

"lonely in a crowd
different from the rest
separate, apart
because of change,
experiences they can’t understand
choices and experiments taken
can I fit within their world
relate on some common level
when my life and theirs
exist on different planes

8/18/04 23:28

the gulf so wide,
land so foreign
in familiar surroundings

8/18/04 23:35

miles away
even at home

8/18/04 23:48"

Speaks directly to me. Almost creeps me out.

2010-05-08T00:03:00.000-07:00

http://eternalgodliness.punt.nl/?r=1&id=508911

Jeshua on dealing with fear:

“The fear you are experiencing is the deepest fear a human can face: the fear to live.

People think they fear death, but they actually fear life, because life is a strong, unpredictable force that leads you past the highs of love and joy and the lows of fear and loneliness. Life is about feeling.

You are afraid to feel your fear, because you think it will destroy you.

However, this thought is simply fear in another form.

The only solution is to face the fear, let it be, embrace it as it is. It is part of life.

To be able to live with your fear, you need to make a decision.

It is the decision to live, specifically to live on earth right now. This decision cannot be made for you by anyone else. You have to make it and it must come from your heart: your feelings rather than your thoughts.

Deep down inside of you there’s a little boy waiting to be welcomed and caressed.

He was not received by his earthly mother in a way that made him truly feel loved for who he was. He does not feel at home on earth. He is also carrying past life time grief inside.

This little boy has felt betrayed and abandoned by life. He is not sure he wants to live on earth ever again.

He is now asking you to reach out to him from your heart. Your fear is his voice calling you.

To embrace life on earth now is to embrace this little boy inside.

Would you want anyone else to take care of his wounds?

Would you want to hand over this precious child of yours to anyone but yourself?

He is waiting for you.

What he needs from you first and foremost is your acceptance. He wants you to take responsibility for him and tell him that you are there for him no matter what. He needs to know that you are there even if he keeps on crying and being afraid. He needs to know you will be there unconditionally. Only then can he relax…

You see, you cannot make his fear go away through any outside method. The idea that he needs to be healed or ‘fixed’– with the help of healers or healing methods – may make him feel there is something wrong with him. He may feel rejected by it. He has no trust in life. The only way his trust can be restored is by you being there even if he remains afraid. You must accept him unconditionally, and only then will this wounded child receive true healing.

If you truly embrace this inner child of yours, he will bestow you with many gifts among which the greatest is to find joy in life again, to enjoy the ride between the highs and the lows, to feel safe and at home on earth right now.”

Warm regards,

Pamela & Gerrit

So how to spin the story and tell it from the downstream point of view?

2010-05-07T03:09:00.000-07:00

I am so excited about directing my attention toward being able to feel Love in the Eternal Now, even though the physical pain and mental torture try their best to keep me from going with the flow. I intend to feel a little better in each moment so that my Eternal Now becomes infinitely Blissful. I revel in the excitement that I feel when I think of being madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me, and how wonderful it will feel to have someone as excited to see me as I am them; who is eager to help me physically with stretches and massage and many more physical intimate pleasures, and who is eager to receive the same attention from me; who is a devoted listener and master story teller; who is my way shower and cheer leader. Now THAT is the kind of Bliss I have been placing into MY vibrational escrow, and that is where I am headed. Where are YOU headed?

Stuff like this helps me hang on.

2010-05-07T02:25:00.000-07:00

http://eternalgodliness.punt.nl/?r=1&id=508852

If I were not experiencing these things, this expansion of awareness, for myself, I would not share this information. This is the stuff that helps me hang on - the promise that change is on the way.

THERE IS ONLY ONE OF US HERE.

The Rollercoaster.

2010-05-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

I can sense the emotional rollercoaster, the frightened child who seeks approval and safety and protection and love. I noticed while slowly descending the stairs, fighting so hard to buffer the effect of each movement so as to somehow diminish the horror of each step, knowing that such is not possible. So why the continued attempt? I will never understand it. But I know that it is getting harder and harder to turn off my "flight or fight" response since I do not feel safe in my own body. I am seeing the emotional effects of this in my increased desperation to feel accepted, praised, hell you could even call it idolized on some level - to feel "special," especially in the eyes of someone that I feel is "special," and am lashing out at the cosmos and at others because I am unable to figure out how to shake the feeling of being a castaway, an outsider, a misfit, an undesirable, and all those other programmed things that contribute to my energetic leaks that are associated with trying to escape my body. Somehow these two issues are tied up in the same big ball of wax.

So the message on Lightworker.com I saw tonight was a forecast of solar flares that will be directed at earth and will come through the holes in the magnetosphere, and that physical exposure to this will make us emotionally unstable. I am thinking, oh, great, I am already very sensitive to energy, and we are about to get blasted from the Great Central Sun. Good Grief.

It is strange, because my awareness level just keeps rising and rising, but I am not able to make any change in my fight or flight response - you'd think that at some point I could relax into the pain and stop suffering so from its presence. That's the current hope and goal anyway.

I Promise...

2010-05-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

...to always welcome weary travelers with open arms, even if it is inconvenient. To always joyfully welcome friends even if they are unexpected. To always be inclusive when arranging dinners out with family and/or friends. And to always be full of forgiveness and humility.

Ascension blues.

2010-05-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

During the Full Moon at the end of April, we completed a process of burning off all remaining 3D constructs that were holding us back, and all that no longer serves us has fallen away rapidly. The problem with operating with a 4D consciousness awareness comes from having to deal with people/places/systems that are still stuck in 3D, with no clue about its illusory nature. No matter how much we want others to join us in the new space, we cannot force this issue. So, the isolation continues to grow. It is my understanding that this feeling will continue through November when we enter two new cycles of the Mayan Calendar, during which our creative abilities will line up with creation itself. I sincerely hope this is the case because the isolation part of this process is really getting me down. I so long to find the others who are now fully operating from the perspective of a higher level of awareness than the 3D one. Where One is All, All is One. Where nothing matters except the heart-centered participation in the present moment, free from ego constructs.

Today I had my creditor's meeting at the bankruptcy court. Looks like I get to keep my washer and dryer, but not my cars. The lenders will not budge or reduce the principal amount of those loans to the current fair market value of the vehicles - and I won't agree to continue to pay the inflated prices that I was charged for them way back when credit was cheap and easy. So they can have them back.

And Bill came down from Sacramento and specifically asked that I come over to Orange County after the hearing. So, off I went, roommate in tow, because he wanted to come see some friends also. On the way from the hearing to Bill's mom's, he called and left a message that I did not receive because I had turned off the ringer on the telephone during the hearing, and told me that they were going to dinner and would be back around 7:30. So instead, we showed up at his mom's only to find out that they were leaving in 15 minutes. I then found out that he had not contacted Michael and Jesse to inform them of all this - about me coming, etc., and Michael was not feeling well and was not up for guests, so the trip to OC was just one big bust. Mercury retrograde - communication all fucked up as usual. Whatever. We'll just try again when everyone is free and feels up to visiting, which is the only thing valued from the 4D perspective.

The gathering this past weekend at Triangle Inn was very 3D also. People were nice enough and all, were happy to see me, but I do not have the sense from anyone, living or dead, that my presence counts. I'm not feeling the love from any direction, from any source. The more time passes when I have not had any alcohol whatsoever to drink, the more I realize that I have nothing in common with those who live their days revolving around when the next drink will be. Our priorities are just not the same. This makes me completely uninterested in trying to go socialize at bars, where the people are there because, of course, they are drinking - duh. And this makes dating much more difficult than it should be. Frankie likes to remind me that he is single also, but I am 20 years ahead of him in that department. And as long as I am going to be prohibited from feeling and hearing the heartbeat of the one I love each day and night, whoever that is, that wound is going to remain and the feeling of abandonment and isolation are going to linger, like the bad smell after heating seafood in the microwave.

So, now that I have moved farther away from the 3D universe and all of its illusions and lies, I am looking very forward to connecting with others who are on this path of ascension. I know they are out there somewhere. But will I locate them while still in this physical body? Or am I doomed to a life of loneliness brought on by my level of awareness that reality is not what it seems to be...

Spring has sprung!

2010-03-22T03:22:00.000-07:00

What must it be like to get to go to bed in the arms of the one you love each night? This I want to know before I die.

Michael called tonight.

2010-03-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

He sounded good. Centered. Happy. Stronger than just a couple of weeks ago. I miss talking to him late at night on my balcony.

The Warrior energy is here.

2010-03-15T01:59:00.000-07:00

OK, well just in time is another new energy arriving on the planet to help us take back the Love that is our birthright. Where are we lying to ourselves? Get ready because it is all going to come to the surface this year. In fact, it is going to be completely nuts until the middle of November.

Frankie moved in.

2010-03-13T19:47:00.000-08:00

It was either that, or see him become homeless. Since I had written to Frank Mugisha in Uganda to inform him that I was willing to house an African refugee if the "kill the gays" law passes in Uganda, I thought it rather hypocritical to not offer housing to a friend in need here. Besides, it is not good for me to be alone 24/7. I'd kinda still like a snuggle. I've been here 3 months, and who knows when the last time was that I had a snuggle before moving here. I'm going to meet Stephan in Crestline, even though I am not certain that he is my type. I guess the yearning for a snuggle drives us all to do crazy things.

Another week...

2010-03-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

...another foiled attempt to go to a social gathering. Arrived at a pot-luck dinner to be greeted by a gate with no entrance code, no phone number to call, and no one in sight. At least I got to go to my fav Mexican restaurant and then eat a piece of the pie I bought for the pot-luck. There is nothing on this earth that I want (that is within reach). Nothing.

Meet Dan.

2010-03-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have been juicing a lot as a result of his inspiration.

Want to lose weight? Feel better? Eat raw food, green juices, no meat, no cooking.

Did I really sign up for duty on this planet?

2010-03-02T22:54:00.000-08:00

Don't you *feel* that pull? The desire for the all-encompassing, unconditioinal Love as pure as from the Creator itself, wrapping its arms around you and all of the rest of humanity? The reality of peace on earth? Of heaven on earth? Can't you feel it wanting to be born?

Genius.

2010-03-02T05:00:00.000-08:00

Gotta have it.

There is a birthday coming up.

2010-03-02T03:48:00.001-08:00

Here's wishing my dear friend a Happy Birthday!

I hope he is able to realize the JOY that is his BIRTHRIGHT, not only on this special day, but also EVERY day.

JOYFUL is how we were meant to live, and none of us has much time left to claim this JOYOUS existence for ourselves.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ONE! Let your magnificence shine!

Incredible energy shift, 8.8 quake, etc.

2010-02-28T00:52:00.000-08:00

Fasten your seat belts, because blast off is in two weeks. Yes, this is just the beginning of the clearing and healing phase that is sweeping the planet. Don't attach to ANYTHING that comes up for release, just breathe and allow it to pass through you like a wave in the ocean would pass through you if you were standing in the water. Keep your balance.
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I have purged a lot of stuff to the point where my experience is changing so that I think of and enjoy the simplest of things, juicing vegetables, growing my small vegetable garden, talking with friends, watching inspirational videos, cooking and eating, just NOTHING special at all. And it is wonderful. I just refuse to do stress any longer. I prefer to be in nothing but loving relationships, nothing else will do, and this feels as though it is a return to who I really am in the first place. Feels like home. I like it a lot. I am monitoring my thoughts more actively and trying to redirect when necessary, just as the mystics say to do, and while not anticipating or being attached to change, I quite welcome it, so why not, right?
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And have you SEEN Isaiah Mustafa in those new Old Spice commercials. Dear Sweet Jesus.
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Choose a Wavelength

2010-02-23T01:41:00.000-08:00

"You wish to listen to a concert, or a play or the news: you turn the control on your radio until you find the station broadcasting the concert, the play or the news.
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In the same way, on your inner radio, it is possible for you to choose the programmes you want to hear. But capturing the wavelengths of the spiritual world requires a whole training; otherwise, when you expect to receive melodies from heaven, what you will hear are the cries and din of hell.
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If that happens, do not stay there and do nothing, quickly change the wavelength; use thought, use imagination, to tune in to another station.
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What is prayer? It is turning the control to the shortest and fastest wavelengths, which put us in touch with the divine world."
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Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov
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WOW! I am receiving the same message today from three places, and really I have been getting it every day for a long time. I just have not yet found a way to put it into practice yet. Thoughts are things! I have to do a better job at monitoring my thoughts and words.
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I INTEND, TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM, IN EACH MOMENT!

And finally...

2010-02-10T04:19:00.000-08:00

...as the planetary endgame rises to a fever pitch...and as the incredible coming together of our human hearts progresses...

http://divinecosmos.com/index.php/start-here/davids-blog/809-coming-changes-reading

Quantum healing

2010-02-10T04:06:00.001-08:00

Incredible healing exercise worth the download and 23-minutes to view

http://www.quantumk.co.uk/quantumk_video.htm

What a beautiful synchronistic message from the Pleiadians!!

2010-02-10T02:58:00.000-08:00

http://www.higherfrequencies.net/drivers_seat.htm
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"Getting in the Driver's Seat of Life- 9th Dimensional Pleaidian Collective"
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"Greetings, dears! 9th Dimensional Pleiadian Collective here. We’d like to take an opportunity to connect with you and to discuss the importance of your willingness to get into the “driver’s seat” of life. Often you will say to us, “Tell me what I need to know.” Well, goodness, where does one begin? Image a friend asking you the very same question. Most likely you would inquire where their interests lie in an effort to narrow the field of reply. And so it is with us. We wish to support you rather than doing the work for you. You have all now grown enough and reached a point in your development in which it is vital that you begin asking questions and engaging your curiosity. For it is your curiosity and quest for more knowledge and experience that will allow you the ability to step back into your role as a Creator Being. Notice we said “back into”, for you are not donning this role for the first time. And you are and always have been a Creator Being but have simply chosen to veil the fact from yourself in order to play in this 3D game.
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So have fun, dears. Ask questions, for when you do we are able to assist you. The more specific you are and the more you engage yourself and see yourself as the Divine Being you are, the more we can support you. Ironic, we know. For the best way we may be of service to you is to allow you to stumble until you learn to rely on yourself and your own inner guidance. You are just like a child learning to walk. We must let go of your hand in order for you to discern your own energy and find your own center of balance.
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By really looking within to formulate your questions you are taking the first step towards self activation. We cannot stress the importance of this enough. And in order to hear our answers, you must begin listening to yourself, to your own body, to your own vibrational signature. See how we are, making you work, helping you to grow! Yes, we are a bit cheeky, but the statement is none the less true. We know that in the moment you all may feel frustrated not being able to discern our answers, but eventually you hear us. And when you do, there is great connection and satisfaction in your accomplishment.
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Remember, dears, that we are no better than you or any more “all knowing” than you. Higher dimensions aren’t better than lower ones. They are just different. They are simply different arenas with distinct sets of rules to allow for unique experiences. We can only provide you with information based on our perceptions of reality. Your perception is no less valid. You must take the bits and pieces that resonate with you and leave the rest behind. As part of Diving Source Energy and as a Creator Being, you have access to all records that have ever been.
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We are here to remind you and inspire you to enjoy that which you create. To wonder at your ability to draw in and generate all experiences, whether you label them as positive or negative. In fact to share our little secret with you, the more you value that which you create, both positive and negative, the easier it becomes to consciously manifest that which you desire. By acknowledging yourself as a Creator Being you allow energy to flow much more easily through your body. It is the judgment of your creations that keeps your energy in an internal loop in which you continue to create the same vibrational equivalent over and over. Once you release the judgment, energy flows again, breaking the inner cycle of looped energy thus allowing in the unlimited flow of Divine Source Energy.
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This is the year of manifestation, dears. This is the year you will learn to really put your money where your mouth is and to be conscious of that which you create. The best advice we can give you is to be in the Now. Be fully present with your energy and focus. For when you are in the Now you stand fully in your power. But we ask you, “How often are you there?” Every time you find yourself worrying about the past or wandering off to the future, simply bring yourself back to the current moment. Nothing in the past can be changed and the future is built upon the Now. Multidimensional truth be told, they are different timelines than the one you are focused on. And when you are fully present, you can take note of how you feel about that which you are experiencing. Are you enjoying the experience? Do you wish to continue vibrating in the frequency, or do you wish to choose another?
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There are no rights or wrongs, simply vibrational selections which you are free to choose or discard. Where you all seem to falter is in judging the vibration. However, when you choose to perceive how the vibration has been of service, what you have learned from it, what it has shown you about yourself, you release all judgment and allow for integration. Integration, or release of judgment, is the name of the game. Integration is the key to ascension. It is what allows you to continue increasing your frequency, to create more joy and love in your life. Allow the external world to be a mirror for you, to reflect back all that you vibrate. Be present in the Now to view the reflection so that you may actively acknowledge where you are and consciously choose your desired vibrational destination.

Happy Driving, dears!"
©Copyright 2008 Higher Frequencies All Rights ReservedLegal Disclaimer
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No infringement intended, all credit goes to author, no monetary benefit or any benefit derived from this re-post, which is educational only.

OK now we're getting somewhere.

2010-02-10T01:24:00.000-08:00

I've been following the chatter in my brain surrounding anxiety and feelings of dread sparked by the rapidly approaching Valentine's Day. I wanted to get to the bottom of it. So, basically the chatter ends in the bottom of this hole where all of the emotional baggage from my ongoing singledom ends with the unspoken implication that without a partner, I am worthless, and that furthermore, it is somehow my fault, and my unworthiness is only reinforced as long as this status continues. So, in order to change this association, I am curious to know where this idea came from, who placed this belief system in my head, and/or how I learned this idea - so that I can unlearn it. It is this thought which is driving the situation, and to change the steering, I have to replace this thought that I am not worthy with its opposite. Only then will the situation change - both my emotional happiness and sense of self-worth and my perpetual singledom. Any ideas? It feels way deeper than just a case of me believing the fairy-tale version of romance. It feels as though this was a sacred promise that has been broken, that I was promised that I would not be forced to endure being alone in this density, which was a condition of my agreement to volunteer to come here. I feel specifically betrayed by this situation. With that comes anger, and of course I repress all anger because I despise it, so it is revealed as depression. A past-life regression will be needed to unlock this mystery, unless it comes to me during the Dreamtime. In any case, and whether or not I am ever able to know all those details, the remedy is the same.
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The guides have long advised me that when faced with any emotion that I do not wish to be having, to simply spin the Wheel of Emotion, and select again. So, I have to meditate upon expansion and the feeling of an open heart, of feeling full of love, in order to anchor the emotion set that must replace the worthlessness and unhappiness. They say it is that simple. Now that I am aware of this, I have no reason to doubt them, so here goes.
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I am beautiful and wonderful and completely deserving of total happiness NOW. I am irresistable and completely worthy of finding the partner of my dreams NOW.
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I INTEND, TO ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM, IN EACH MOMENT!

Forgiveness Decree - I really like this one

2010-01-26T01:35:00.000-08:00

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=491455
By Divine Decree, with the power and essence of God Goddess and Elohim Grace, and my own God Goddess Presence - I formally and completely forgive myself and others for all transgressions and belief of transgressions that I or anyone else in this body has ever done upon myself and others, (across space, time and dimension, and for my entire soul and genetic lineage).

I forgive and release all judgments, regret, shame, condemnation, curses?, that I or anyone else in this body has ever experienced or projected upon myself or others, (across space, time and dimension, and for my entire soul and genetic lineage).

I forgive myself and all beings for anything that I or they believe to have been unforgivable.

I forgive myself and all beings for all lies they have commited towards me, or that I have commited towards them. And I forgive myself for all lies that I have commited towards myself.

I forgive myself for all acts of betrayal towards self and others, and I forgive all beings for all acts of betrayal towards me. I forgive myself for all times I have cheated myself or others, and I forgive all beings for all times they have cheated me.

I forgive all debts owing to others and myself! I forgive anyone who has ever owed me anything or stolen anything from me. And I forgive myself for any times I have owed anyone anything or stolen anything from anyone.

And I ask for immense financial assistance from my overflowing karmic bank accounts to pay any "debts" currently owed and for the realization that all debts and money are an illusion and I don't really owe anyone anything, and no one really owes me anything. All debts are now null and void!

I forgive myself for all the times I have hurt anyone in any way, physically, emotionally, mentally or sexually. Or killed anyone - personally, deliberately or inadvertently, in normal life or in acts of war. And I forgive anyone who has ever killed me or hurt me in any way, physically, emotionally, mentally or sexually.

And I ask the karmic board for complete karmic absolution and a complete karmic clearing between myself and all of these beings that I have had these experiences with.

------------------

I also release and heal all beliefs that forgiveness is even necessary, or that I, or anyone should be or needs to be forgiven. I release and heal all pain and suffering associated with all experiences (across space, time and dimension), from all lifetimes where I or anyone else in this body, (and for my entire soul and genetic lineage), related to victimhood, powerlessness, unworthiness, shame, regret, grudges, vendettas, curses...

I release all victim consciousness and beliefs that I am a victim or ever have been a victim. I release all victim consciousness and beliefs that anyone has done anything to me without my Soul's permission, or that I have done anything to anyone without their Soul's permission.

I formally and completely rescind all vows, and break all agreements, that I or anyone else in this body, has ever made, (across space, time and dimension, and for my entire soul and genetic lineage): that I will not forgive anyone for any reason; or that I cannot be forgiven for anything or for any reason; or that I, or anyone else, does not deserve to be forgiven; or that any action by anyone, or myself, is unforgivable. I also release all vows of revenge; all curses and projections of judgement and condemnation; lies, and vows to lie; and all agreements of debt.

And I release to the Light, any and all energies, entities, attachments, mechanisms, structures, implants, programs, codes, beliefs, thought-forms, curses, judgments, perceptions or pictures of reality - that have supported or maintained these vows & agreements.

Now open a doorway (tunnel/Rainbow Bridge) above your head to the Light. See these elements moving off to the light, give them all up to God.

And I call to the Lords and Ladies of karma and the entire karmic board, and I request complete karmic absolution, healing, forgiveness and Grace (across space, time and dimension), for myself and all associated beings, (and for my entire soul and genetic lineage), with whom I have had these experiences and lifetimes.

I also invoke Hathor Healing (el ka leem om) for our hearts and a complete energy healing from St. Germain's Violate Fire and help from the Violate Flame Angels. I also invoke Archangel Michael and his Angels for a complete lower dimensional psychic cord disconnection and disintegration from all of these beings. We are free! We are sovereign! We are One!

I completely heal and forgive all lifetimes where I have acted in any way that could be judged as dark, wrong, bad or evil. I recollect all of my souls aspects and soul extensions that are lost or trapped in their own feelings of judgement, condemnation, shame, guilt, regret, trauma, anger and depression.

I invoke special karmic dispensation from the Karmic Board, the Great White Brotherhood and Archangel Metatron, for the release of all this pain and suffering and a complete reconnection to unconditional love.

I now bring all of these aspects of myself back into my/our Soul/Monad, through my heart.

See all of these Soul aspects and soul extensions coming into your heart and taking them up through your Antakarana, into your Soul Star above your head, back to your Soul.

I invoke karmic absolution for all of humanity and offer this as a gift of my Divine Love and Compassion for the suffering of all.

I also extend this gift of karmic dispensation to all beings on all dimensions, across space and time. I extend my essence of divine compassion as a gift of Grace for all to remember their true essence of divine Love and to remember that we are all divinely perfect regardless of what we may do, think and feel.

I forgive ALL through the Love, Grace and Compassion that I AM!

I forgive! I forgive! I forgive!

We are Divine Forgiveness! We are Divine Compassion!

We are Whole! We are Perfect!

We are Love! We are Light! We are One! A HO!

Co-Create Heaven on Earth!!!!!!!!!!!

I just Love Doreen!

2010-01-20T21:38:00.000-08:00

Moving into Divine Mind.

2010-01-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

BREATHTAKING! This is where I live now, unaffected by what happens outside me as the electrons spin - I choose now to live in my center, connected to All That Is, energized by the vacuum.

"MOVING INTO DIVINE MIND"

"greetings unto you beloved and “wholly”

“son” of the One Light Divine…

son meaning “to spring forth from”…

that being said

I have come this day to speak with you

about your journey in this now moment of time…

this your 2010 as you would see it…

as you would “name it”…

thus making that number true for you…

there is a reason I have brought this point up

to you in this now moment…

a very good reason indeed…

for you see dear one

what ever you would believe to be true

is true for you

until it isn’t…

you are the creator of your beliefs

and your consensus…

this day I wish to speak with you about

the belief that the mind contained within

your two ears shows you the truth

of reality…

let me say this day…

it does not…

this year…this your 2010

will be one of great change…

yes…change is a consistent truth

in the dimension you find yourself to be in…

this duality …this polarity

has only one consistent truth…

change…!!!!

to navigate these waters that are now upon you

(please notice I said waters)

for the very waters of grace are now

entering your dimensional space

to cleanse and purify the chaos that is present

in the energies you find yourself to be in…

all of it is good…yes…dear one

allow the changes to unfold…

yet…I have come once again this day to speak

to you of the way of the heart…

the way to navigate these changes that will allow

you to witness for yourself the real world

that is right where you find yourself to be

yet is overlaid by the world you have created

from your belief

that you are separate from that which

I AM…

so…let us begin there…

you have two minds…

yes…this is so

the mind you are most familiar with

and have been creating your reality from

for eons

is the mind that “thinks thoughts for you”

it is the “separate mind”….

it is the one that judges…contrasts…fears…

all of those thoughts come from one thought…

“the belief that you are separate from what

god is…what abba is…what love itself encompasses…"

that guilt…buried deep within you

creates worlds upon worlds upon worlds…

and yet…within that very mind

already has the perfect conclusion been made

“on earth as it is in heaven”

for all that you see …all that you witness

is simply the perfect arising and passing away

of all form involved in the perfection

of the at-one-ment of all things…

thus….all of it is in perfection now !!!

to navigate these times you find yourself in now

I would suggest you move your attention

from the mind that thinks separation from love

to the mind of the one true heart…

the divine mind…

that which resides right above your heart …

yes.. the one true heart…

the very depth of your being..

all that the heart is

abides within you now…

to consciously “choose” to abide in the

heart and leave the “head”

will take you where you will want to be

in this time now…

how does one live from this space

you would ask???

you literally move your mind into your heart…

you abide there…

you will know when you are not

living from this space

when thoughts of fear and doubt arise…

thus a “ringing of the bell” so to say

that you have left heaven..

that you are in separation…

simply change your mind…

it is an aha moment when you observe yourself

having those thoughts…

witness them and then simply choose again

to move into your heart center and say

out loud…”all is well”

repeat those words until you feel

in every cell of your being an over all

feeling of peace…

now…you have simply by your own choice

chosen heaven over hell…

love over fear…

it is really that simple

you are the walking light of love

that allows all things…embraces all things

and trusts all things…

for this very practice is your truest state…

for you see dear one

you are a reflection of all that love is…

that very reflection is with you now…

it is only your “belief” that this is not so

that seems to keep this truth from you…

so…when you walk in the heart of love

you know that all things that arise and pass away

are perfectly fine…

you allow all arisings and bring your love to them…

you allow all “passing away”

and acknowledge the perfection of that moment..

you allow all of your feelings to be as they are

feelings of sadness…happiness…fear

simply witnessing them and allowing them

for all of these things are as much god

as the love that abides directly behind

and within these words…

to live from this state

is to remain clear…fluid

nothing is left to block the flow

of that which god is…

for you see…within you is the very power

that will restore your energy field into

a true state of love in all moments…

it is the way of the master…

this way is to love the terrorist as you love

the hero…

it is to love the rapist as you would love

the teacher of love…

it is to love the storms

as you would love the sunniest of days…

it is to simply love…

not necessarily to condone

yet to “bring your love to them”

to shine the truth upon all moments…

that and that alone will bring you to

such a knowing of the real world

that is right behind your singular eye…

that eye that knows that only love is real…

this has been spoken of for eons of your time

and yet its real meaning has eluded many…

this is where the very power of love

to change all into love “for you” abides…

it is like a rising of the most beautiful of waters…

as you choose to love everything

the waters of grace begin to fill you…

these waters remove from your energy field

all traces of the shadow that has veiled the truth

of that which I speak to…

you will be “filled”

with the waters of life

and everywhere you place your body

all will be touched and awakened

in ways unknown to you…

this is the true meaning of “grace”

all things are “you” dear one…

there is nothing you can ever see

that is not an aspect of you…

your body is not real…

your world is not real…

and yet that which you are

which is one with love

is within all things…all matter…

that alone is what is “real”…

all that you know and believe to be real

contains that very essence…

and that essence is “you”

…

therefore

and hear me well

you are the living waters

right here…right now

containing as much power to light

this world as any step I ever took…

of course this is true…

we are one… !!!

with love…the deepest of love I come to you

now in this hour upon planet earth

and ask you to remember the simple

practice of allowance…surrender…knowingness…

knowing that “what is” will always

be that which love has allowed to take form

temporal form

yet the love that brings it forth

is eternal…all knowing…infinite and eternal

breathing in within itself

the breath of life…

thus all is contained within the heart of love

as the dew drop is contained within the ocean

that receives it…

all is always loves perfect moment…

thru the eyes you are so used to looking thru

you will not see this truth

yet thru the eye of the heart

that witnesses only the perfection

of that which “all” springs forth from

you will come to “know for yourself”

this very truth…

this is true seeing…

to allow all neutral events to be as they are

by loving them…simply loving them…

you will feel an expansion in your heart center

and all around you

that cannot be denied as a direct result

of this simple practice…

yet only you can choose to see

thru the heart…

no one can do this for you…

no one outside of you can bring you the

answers and the truth you seek…

you are the truth you seek….!!!!

it all comes from within “you”

every moment

is a moment for you

to ‘bring your love” to…

every moment in time is an opportunity

for you to extend the love

that you are one with…

this is what you do when you enter the other

realities….dimensions of the kingdom…

you reflect and create

that which mirrors the love

that god is……

that is your eternal purpose…

bring that eternal purpose

to this now moment in time…

you will come to know the power of love

that abides within you…

for how can you be whole and complete

in Self

if you do not bring your love

“to all of you”…?????

and all things

are ~you~

be at peace my heart of hearts

for if you could see yourself in

the eye that I look thru and witness

the radiance of that which you are

you would not be able to withstand

the light…

yet with each choice for love

that radiance shines brighter and all

around you are touched and loved

by the mystery of that which

god is…

peace be with you always… "

jeshua and denisa

as one

deniseanew@aol.com

if you would like to receive these for yourself

simply send me an email

and I will add you “in love”…

Can it be true? After a lifetime of not fitting in or belonging anywhere?

2010-01-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

"It has been a big journey of love of self, and for many it’s been experienced on the outer world by relationships never working out. We had so much completing to do and tying up of lose ends from karmic experiences unfinished, and soul contracts made, that it felt like the old record would never end. Just when we were so over our self and gave up on all the duality dance, knowing that true union is within, but for many still hoping that one could walk beside the one/those who are equal, well now it is the beginning of a new story, a cosmic story of completeness and wholeness where those that truly resonate with us and can hold the same energies and intensity of thought, emotion and physical energy can come to join us. The union is at hand on the lower realms now as we have cleared the way.

Also the longing for a place to belong, really belong, not just a place you love to do your mission and live, or you love the place but do not resonate with the people around, or you love the people around but do not resonate with the place or somehow it never quite fitted. Even though you made do and were positive about it all and felt good mostly, but still something not quite there, now the New Earth is birthing we can feel at home, the doorway is opening for a life of joy on all levels with family, soul family, friends and all in harmony with each other and with the Earth, where the creative spark that lights you from within shines out and guides your way, not only for your direction but all around you in your home, the land and community. The light shines brightly from within and we are home."

My God, how I want to *belong* somewhere, to someone.

http://www.evenstarcreations.com/2010JANeclipses.htm

This astrology report says it is true, also.

"As the Sun and Venus move through Capricorn, they are going to square off with Saturn in Libra who is already squaring off with Pluto. So again, because squares push us out of our comfort zones and in to new territory, you may as well co-create on whatever level you can at this time. As you begin to recognize more ways that your inner and outer lives do not match, this energy will give you the strength, courage and stamina to make the necessary, if major, corrections. With the added energy of the Cancer/Capricorn Eclipses, change is inevitable, so go with it and consciously address that which you deeply desire to change about your Self, your relationships and your environment. Use the frictional energy these aspects bring to break free of old paradigms which no longer reflect the real YOU. Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE IN & DON'T GIVE UP!! Navigating this time and processing these activations consciously will be duly rewarded. If you know, love and respect your Self, then you will want to cultivate strong relationships that reciprocate that love and respect. It won't be easy, but it will get done, so you may as well participate on whatever levels you are able. This whole year will reveal how well you maintain integrity and cultivate community, then a strong individual and a solid team of support will carry you through the next few years of truly radical new beginnings. This year is pivotal!! Don't waste even a second on looking backwards or petty distractions."

http://eternalgodliness.punt.nl/?r=1&id=499689

"If you know, love and respect your Self, then you will want to cultivate strong relationships that reciprocate that love and respect." Wow - this is *exactly* what I want to accomplish in my new environment, to establish these kind of reciprocal relationships, which I have never had before. Please help me God, because this is the end of the road for me. Do or die time. Make or break.

It was the quake that made me physically ill.

2010-01-15T02:17:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, I had gone to get a haircut and I left Avelina's at about 12:50. I was en route to a Schlotsky's sandwich shop in Tustin, which I found out when I arrived was no longer there. I stopped at a place called the Sandwich Box and ordered a turkey sandwich. When I sat down to eat it, I became nauseous and dizzy, and thought it was just because I was hungry. This was at about 1:45 p.m. By the time I got to the doctor's office in Fountain Valley, it was 2:00, and I was totally dizzy and had to be put in a room to lie down. I went home to my friend's house where I was staying and lied on the couch the rest of that entire day into the night, feeling sick. Now I understand that it was the energy of the quake and loss of life that made me ill.

Heaven Letters.

2010-01-15T02:00:00.000-08:00

Help me, God, to change my focus whenever I might feel less than I AM.

"God said:
.
When there is love in your heart, you truly are not thinking about yourself. That is what love is. You have tenderness for a seeming another. You can't think two thoughts in your head at one time. When you are thinking of another, by necessity, you aren't thinking of yourself.
.
This is a very good thing, don't you think, to have another uppermost in your mind and heart? Everyone on Earth longs for this. You long for someone else to love with all your heart and to think about. How wonderful even to tend another's garden. How wonderful to think of someone else rather than yourself.
.
It gets a little wearing, doesn't it, to always be thinking of yourself? What you want for breakfast, and what life didn't give to you that you are sure it should have given. What, what, what.
.
When you love and have thoughts for another's happiness, you are coming from fullness. When thoughts of yourself are uppermost in your mind, odds are you are coming from a presumption of lack, a presumption of being short-changed. Trade in such thoughts for fullness. Loving yourself and thinking about yourself get to be self-propagating and draining. Yes, My children need a change in focus every now and then or often.
.
This is a virtue of work as well. It takes your mind off yourself. And if you love your work, you are a king in the world, blessed more than twice.And this is the virtue of having children. They expand your world. This is on the agenda of life, for the children to be born, and the children to raise you.
.
So, beloveds, instead of thinking about what you are missing, haven't had, should have had etc., think of what would give happiness to another. Even when there are those you don't feel great love for, what could you do that would lift their happiness level?
.
You are a lever. A lever works in every situation. Levers don't have specialties. Levers lift up. They get underneath and lift up. A lever is not a plier, for pliers grasp and hold on. This is why I say you are a lever. You are also a lover, beloveds. You are one who loves. Love abundantly. Love in every situation. The more you love, the more you love. Try it.
.
Pretend you are in a fairy tale, and I am the King whose daughter you want to marry. I tell you that the first thing you see, you must give love to. If you see a gate, a dog, a beggar, a street cleaner, or a princess, whichever comes first, you are to give love to. Let love with your heart rise to your eyes, beloveds. Acknowledge to yourself the love you have for a gate whatever its appearance may be. And the same for the dog, beggar, street cleaner, and princess. May you can shine love on all five. Why not? You may be particular, but love is all-embracing.
.
Maybe you can appreciate the ground under your feet that carries you to your beloved. Maybe you can appreciate the taxi driver. Maybe you can appreciate your shoes. Maybe you can appreciate even the stranger who bumps into you in his hurry to meet his wife.
.
What is love but appreciation, beloveds? What is love but gratitude for the opportunity to love? Love is mighty. Love makes the object of love mighty. Love makes others the kings or queens. Love makes happiness for all in its vicinity, and for all not in its vicinity.
.
Love is noticing what is, beloveds, and love is, and love is all.Permanent Link: http://www.heavenletters.org/when-there-is-love-in-your-heart.html
.
Thank you for including this link when publishing this Heavenletter elsewhere."

This is where I have to be, in order to allow Love to flow into my awareness from outside myself.

2010-01-14T02:51:00.000-08:00

Now that I recognize it and am able, it is merely a matter of daily practice. I have work to do!

"this will be a month of much movement within and without…

be at peace and know you are loved…know that all who will choose to

leave during this transition are in service to the atonement

as are we…………..

there is only ONE THING going on now on planet earth…

that ONE THING is, the ascension of all matter into the truth of love…

it would be helpful if we “owned” this responsibility …

if we walked each day knowing we are only to embrace and allow…

to see the love within all moments…

for to do otherwise creates that which we are here to heal….

letting go of our belief in lack is simply to acknowledge

there is no such thing…it is our creation born of fear…

our fear that we are separate from the love we are one with…

nothing…..nothing could be further from the truth…

with that….i bid you adieu…

with love"

denisa

deniseanew@aol.com

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=490201

1-12-10 reading

2010-01-13T00:14:00.000-08:00

Friends are awesome, no?

2010-01-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

Yummy.

2010-01-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

Yummy for the tummy - that Indian dish Jesse makes which is spinach. I took that, added a can of chicken from Trader Joe's, a little onion, clove of garlic, juice of a lemon, and then it becomes the texture of a stew or spread not a dip, but it was DELISH. That nan bread with butter, too. OMG.
.
Yummy for the mind - stayed out of bed all day after awakening, taking a pill and a nap, and then getting up at noon. Got all housecleaning done today, except my own grooming, skin and spa care routine, and that might wait until tomorrow.

Yummy for the soul - FEEL the streams of access to the purified Love channel, getting stronger all the time.
.
But, about 8 hours is all I'm good for, so it's time to go horizontal now.
.
LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE. (I still love saying that after all this time).

Wow! I ate three whole times!

2010-01-09T01:56:00.001-08:00

Even though the first meal was just shredded wheat covered with sugar from Trader Joes, dry. And all of my three meals combined would leave most people scarfing it all up at one session and asking for more. But I had lost ALL interest in eating. All week. Longer than that, really. And took two caplets twice of Vitamin D and Omega oils. I gotta do this again tomorrow! And every day!

Sidetracked!

2010-01-09T01:03:00.000-08:00

OK I have been here before, this is where I partnered with Linda to build a website about connecting people who are aware of Unity Consciousness not only for dating, but for whatever reason. Then, Alexa and I bought the domain name, stellarconnections.com, and did nothing with it. Well, I got sidetracked with surgery and no longer had the hundreds per month available that I was going to sink into the project. I need someone who is a webdesigner or who can even use the do-it-yourself design kits of pre-packaged web pages and functions. It can't be that hard. Bet I could do it, I could even do research and training on the laptop lying down.

Interesting, indeed.

As above, so below. My separation issue is mirrored in the collective. I HAVE to figure out how the two relate.

2010-01-09T00:45:00.001-08:00

"Someone wrote on craigslist: "You're a drunk good looking white male walking down 111 thru Cathedral City at night, a block ahead you see a group of vicious queens having a circle jerk, wearing pink dove shorts on ecstacy listening to Madonna. Do you cross the street? No, you go back and tell the Mexicans there's a group of rich queers up the street looking for a beat down."
.
I guess that explains my purpose is for living here. The people are allowing themselves to descend further into separation consciousness than I care to be.

OH. WAIT.

This corresponds to me perceiving that the men around me allow themselves to descend farther into separation consciousness than I care to be, farther into the realm of ego. OK. Got one connection already from the micro to the macro. This is going to be interesting.

When I think of my relationship to the collective in terms of Unity Consciousness, it corresponds exactly to the micro-cosm, because in both instances, concerning the larger general poulation as well as the gay male dating population, I feel distinctly and utterly separated from the conscious awareness level and the generally agreed upon definitions of reality. They are not where I live.

Food for much thought.

Time to get back to my Roots.

2010-01-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

Suburban North Texas. Driving out of the city was like going backward in time. Very predominately progressive Christian, with the heard line of the worst of the Right-wing hanging delicately in the background, not spoken about in polite company. Straight, married folks with 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat, and a white picket fence. From the first rattle out of the box, I never belonged here, anywhere, and togetherness was something I always wanted to experience. You know, having a best friend and later lover with a big heart, a childlike look on the world, innocent, happy, and fun-loving, going everywhere together, holding hands, and all that wonderful mushy stuff. So, why, then, did I land at birth into the environment I did when I was a gay, somewhat androgynous, progressive, Unity Conscious, completely aware of my connection to a higher plane, where I would absolutely not be able to find togetherness?

As the years went on and I became lost behind the veil of forgetfulness that finally separates us in the end from our truest selves, and when ego took control of me, my identity was formed in relationship to this absent togetherness factor. I became unable to enjoy my own company because ultimately I always ended up there, with myself, by myself, sidelined, outcast, unimportant, shut-out, dropped-off...

Then came driving. What was that song in the late seventies that was so outer space, called Cars, and it was about living in the insane society and described my relationship between me and my car exactly as I experienced it - a refuge, the only comfortable place to be, just another person in the ocean of cars that were everywhere, as far as the eye could see, filling the freeways rusing around like blood cells in an artery, or like electric signals in a nerve, where it was safe to engage with the "collective" mindset. Anonymously.

Ultimately I was never able to drive myself to any location where I was able to find anyone to befriend and have this togetherness experience, and I lost interest with automobiles altogether. This made it possible for me to be able to decide to move to San Francisco when the opportunity landed in my lap, because I knew I would be using the trains and buses and streetcars and such to get around, and would have to actually interact with people. Well.

While very eye-opening and educational, I cannot say that the intense interaction of living in a major walking city was successful for me. I wonder if it would now that I have evolved so much more than when I lived there.

So, Southern California felt just like home, back on the freeway, zipping along with all the others, anonymous, safe. Alone. Togetherness not only stayed elusive, but also became less and less of a real possibility as the people became more and more crazy the longer I lived there. I had returned to square one, after being unable to drive myself to any location where I found togetherness, after now having been unable to fly myself to any location where I found togetherness. So. I suppose having all this time on my hands naturally led me to stop running away from myself, and to stop and take a look at what it was that I was running so hard from, to try to ultimately find out what it was it that was chasing me to this togetherness, although I did not know that was the purpose when the journey began.

I had a reprieve from the hard-core loneliness blues during about the past 3 years, while living in the semi-communal situation with the boys and Howie and Marlene. That was the first time since my teenage years or maybe a little bit in my 20's and early 30's, but not as close as the past three years, that I had such relationships available to me. It was incredible. It just makes me want more and more the togetherness that I have longed for since the first instant I was aware I was separate from Source and living in a very strange new place indeed.

So.

Back to the task at hand, namely, taking a good look around inside at what it is that makes me have this drive, what makes it so elusive, why my experience of romance without another half is so painful. I'd never say a bad thing about my short dating experience last year, although it did not turn out to be what I envisioned for myself, and he turned out not to be the one for me. I was not feeling the romance vibe that my soul craved, and still craves, so I am determined to find out what is going on, what is the meaning of this, what is the past-life story, or soul agreement issue, or karma, or whatever it is, so that at least I can understand my position, since it frustrates the complete shit out of me and in fact I will never ever accept my position, without togetherness. I just won't! (Sounds like the next topic for taking up therapy, do you agree?).

Now, the paradox is that the external reality is simply a reflection of what's going on inside. So, I am completely responsible for my lack of the experience of togetherness. I haven't met him yet. Well, I have met some close calls, but none of them have been available to me in this way. So yes, I get that I have chosen this route as opposed to simply dating whoever comes along to spend time with them, maybe for more than a short while, and to eventually move on to the next love interest, as it was played out all around me by the gay guys who were playing the Soul Mate game. So many are just fooling themselves and are in love with the idea of being in love rather than truly in love with the person they have chosen. It is always doomed. And even those who do have a genuine, sincere, soul-mate kind of togetherness are bombarded with obstacles for making relationships work, that many of them don;t make it either, when they could have or should have.

So, for some reason I perceive that I have never met many others who were playing the same game of togetherness that I am, who want intimacy on all levels, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual. Sometimes I think I see them, but then it turns out that no, they are not on the same plane as I am, not at my state of evolution, whether than be higher or lower is of no significance, not on my wavelength is my favorite way of putting it. Where are they? I read about them, and I read books and articles by other people who are on my same wavelength, butI don't see or meet them usually. WTF? Why? Am I hiding? Am I not digging hard enough or not going where they are? Where are they? I promise you, "bars" is not the answer to this question. Church is not the answer to this question, although it is usually a little bit better than a bar. But you see the same folks at church that you saw out whoring last night, so it's just a little bit better, not a lot.

So, where are they and what are they doing. This is my next investigative effort.

~ you are the walking miracle of love ~

2010-01-07T22:29:00.001-08:00

~ you bring heaven to earth
by your "willingness"
to bring your love to all things ~

bringing your love to all things
is being ONE as all things...

for you
are the walking chalice of love
that brings the perfect solution
to each moment..

you are the bringer of
the miracle...heaven.. to earth
with each choice simply to

LOVE....

denisa
deniseanew@aol.com

if you would like to be added to my email list please simply send me an email
@deniseanew@aol.com namaste

1/6/10

2010-01-07T01:25:00.000-08:00

Feel like hammered shit. Very heavy chemtrail day. I stood outside watching the secret planes spraying the massive rows of chemicals into the air, and watching the rainbow formations in the clouds of barium and aluminum salts as they rain down upon us. Respiratory irritation, runny nose, burning eyes, general malaise. So many are oblivious.

Got an appt with a pain doc right down the street on 1/18. Decided late in the day that it is time to take the animal skin off the bed - too hot, makes me sweat and be miserable. I am up doing laundry that looks like it will take me through the night and into tomorrow. Found an orange fuzzy sock that belongs to my guests.

Hopefully I will be able to cook a bite to eat in a little while (pasta and salad sounds good) and shower. I told Bill on Saturday that I was going to shower and wash out my guts; Wednesday came and went and I have not yet tended to that. Tomorrow I will need to vacuum and mop the floors, including bathrooms. Otherwise, all is under control.

HEAVEN #3330 Talk to Your Heart Now, January 6, 2010

2010-01-06T01:33:00.000-08:00

"God said:
Be confident in My love. Know it exists and that you have it. This will make all the difference in the world for you. I carry you in My arms. I am your comfort. Do not ask for proof. Ask to give love. By this simple asking, the kaleidoscope of your life will change. This is a certainty.
.
Say to your heart:
"Give love. Give all the love you want to. I give you laissez-faire. Go for it, heart of mine. Give love right and left. See how far we can go. God says there is no end to you. He says the love you contain is His love. He says there are no limits to His love, and therefore there are no limits to how far you can give yourself.
.
"Heart of mine, give me some love too while you are at it. I need more of your love. I must have asked you to withhold love from me, for I have not loved myself enough, and sometimes not much at all. Disobey any injunctions I have given you. Adore me. Love me from every direction.
"I will also ask my mind to think well of me. My clever mind has been quick to trash me. Too often, my mind has seen me as an unfavored stepchild. It has thrown stones at me. It has not given me enough to eat. It has played cat and mouse with me.
.
"Now I proclaim, dear heart, that you have the ascendancy over my mind, and you will love me forevermore regardless of what my errant mind tells you. My mind is no longer to control you. Laugh at my mind when it tells you that I am nothing. Stick up for me. Slather love on me whether I am ridiculous or wise. Slather love on me so I will always remember that I am love that is loved. Hold me in your love, and never let me go."
.
That is how to talk to your heart and to yourself. No more of this meticulous fault-finding. If you are good enough for Me, then accept that you are good enough for yourself. Parent yourself differently from the way you have been. Your job is to find favor and no more displeasure. The stepparent in you has made faultfinding a priority, and now you dispense with that.
.
You have been sailing on a wrong course, and now you right yourself. I set your destination. I set it to love. The furrows of the ship you sail on point to love, and the past is forgotten. Now you love yourself. That is My commandment. Love yourself. Deny yourself no longer. Love yourself forever.
.
This one thing will make such a difference in your life. When you love yourself, it will be easy for you to get up on a bus and give your seat to someone else. It will be easy for you to put someone ahead of yourself because, loving yourself more, you will love others more. You will do kindness to yourself, and you will do kindness to others.
.
The more you love yourself, the more you love. You are wealthy in love, and I ask you to use your wealth. Deploy your love everywhere, and that means you give love generously to yourself as well as others. Is it love that can be ungenerous? No, love can only be generous. That is what love is. Love is generous, or it is not love. Love is too busy loving to be distracted by lesser details. Make love your life, beloveds. Love now."
.
Permanent Link: http://www.heavenletters.org/talk-to-your-heart-now.html
Thank you for including this link when publishing this Heavenletter elsewhere.

Dropout.

2010-01-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

I am a complete vegetable, dropped out of society, still able to feed myself, but otherwise resting peaceably. Without the desire to move. Without a care in the world. Being comfortable while I can. Before better weather sets in, and I begin to move around more, which was one of the conditions and intentions of my coming here. Horoscope says it's perfectly alright to recharge and isolate in silence, so that is what I will continue to do.

Abraham-Hicks strikes another beauty.

2009-12-29T02:19:00.001-08:00

The most important thing is to realize that it is more important to pay attention to how you feel than to what is unfolding, and that how you feel does not depend upon what is unfolding. You are in charge of choosing how you feel. Always reach for something that feels a little bit better than where you are. If you can't find your bliss, find something happy. If you can't find something happy, find your frustration. If you can't find your frustration, reach to find your anger. If you can't find your anger, reach for your despair - but in always reaching for a thought that makes you feel a little better than you feel now is the key to understanding that you are in charge of how you feel at all times, and that nothing is more important than feeling good at all times. When you feel good, you are closer to alignment with who you really are.

Recurring dream.

2009-12-25T05:14:00.002-08:00

Awakened by a recurring dream. This seems to be a variation of a recurring dream that I had for 10 years, which spontaneously resolved. In that dream, I was graduating college, but discovered that I was missing a credit from high school. I was going to be forced to return to high school in my late 20's to obtain this credit.

In the new dream, the circumstances change in that the location is not constant, and different people show up. But basically I am in school, approaching the end of a semester, I have not attended a required pass/fail class at all and am trying to figure out how to con my way into passing that one, I have not attended an English literature class and/or done the required reading, so there is no way I am going to pass the final, and I am basically clueless about how to proceed. There is anxiety, shame, a sense of failure, and an inability to reconcile why these required courses are impeding my progress. I am stuck in a time warp with no escape. Since I cannot pass these tests or obtain these credits, I am forever stuck.

Last night's version had John Silver as the landlord showing up to check on me in my shack in the country in the Texas woods. The screen door had one of those old-timey latches where it looked like a bent nail hooked into an eyelet that was screwed into the door frame, and of course, you can just yank those right out. I was trying to fasten it for protection from something, but that was futile of course. An old coworker showed up, who has not lived in Texas for at least 10 years, like me, and I asked her what she was doing there, and she said she would explain if I had about 30 minutes to talk about it. I was trying to hide from people showing up.

So this new dream is an unconscious visitation of repressed emotions of being inadequate, no-good, etc. There is a strong feeling of wanting to be left alone. I remember in this dream trying to get away from the telephone, but I had to remove an earpiece in order to shut it off.

Anxiously awaiting Spring.

2009-12-24T23:45:00.000-08:00

Twice, I have been sitting on my patio and surprised by the fast approach of a hummingbird who stops mid-air and hovers, looking at me. While looking at posts from the Summer Solstice today to try to determine if I am on track concerning my intentions at that time, I saw a photograph I had taken of a hummingbord at a resort I had visited with Dale. The bird was eating nectar from the flower of an aloe vera plant. Well, right behind where I sit is a aloe vera patch, and two of them are growing stalks of flowers which are not yet open. The bird is coming to check the progress of the flowering of the aloe vera. I planted two bouganvilleas, so I should have hummingbirds galore during the warm months of the year. If my plan to plant vegetables and flowers comes to fruition, I will also have bees. Birds and bees. Hmm.

I want to go to Lowe's or Home Depot Saturday to get birds of paradise, other flowering plants (I am still partial to roses, but we'll see), garden vegetable and herb seeds, planter pots and mulch to sprout the seeds, and whatever else catches my fancy. I also need a way to grow radish sprouts hydroponically, with no dirt, so that I can put them on my salad - they are the BEST THING EVER. I am looking for a plant to put inside downstairs as well, a big towering plant, like a schefflera. Gardening is expensive though! And I can only crouch for a very short period of time, so I get about 15-20 minutes of work time per day, if that. It is all very exciting. I have not lived in a place with dirt where I could plant plants or with enough sunshine to grown them inside since 1999. Way too long.

I could not make this shit up.

2009-12-24T01:56:00.001-08:00

Something reminded me about my unrequited love for the boys, and for my Twin Flame in general, so I began a visualization exercise to clear any solar plexus cords between us, which are fear-based and energy draining. Then, I replaced that energy with an outpouring of radiant heart-based fifth chakra unconditional love and total acceptance. This is visualized with the pink and green rays going from heart chakra to heart chakra. In addition, I placed an egg-shaped cocoon of the White Light of the Creator around us all individually. Michael's egg of light began to be energized and to flash or pulse, and about that time he sent me a message with a question about a medical supply for his mom.

It is when we are able to accept All That Is, including All That Isn't - any puzzle pieces that we feel are missing, any deficiency that we feel is present, it is shen we are able to trust that all is perfect as it is, and that all will reveal itself in due time, and it is when we are able to Love ourselves and our circumstances and express gratitude for same, THEN we are placed into the mindset which allows the unfolding of the miracles we seek.

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

Bitchslap!

2009-12-24T00:45:00.000-08:00

Yikes. Finding something on the PC reminded me suddenly that I am supposed to be locating a good counselor here. Gay men's issues for sure. And pain doc. And shrink. And GP. Well OK then.

Lazy days and lazier nights.

2009-12-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

Such pain today that I was barely able to feed myself before collapsing into bed at 8:15. I had been to Rite Aid to refill my pain patches, and Walgreen's to get odds and ends not found at Rite Aid. I was awakened by a crazy dream about anger with my family, in which I was going through the house destroying it while everyone sat and watched me. They had destroyed something of mine that was valuable and on which I was counting to sell. So I bolted wide awake and reached for the telephone, which said 11:11. I was like, "you have got to be kidding me." Made oatmeal with apples and cinnamon. Opened an email about coconut oil with a 100% money-back guarantee if you are not satisfied. Sent it to Jesse.

I am so curious about the anger - I am not angry with my mother, and there I was in my dream reacting to something she had done with extreme anger, then bolting out of bed. Two more days till the anniversary of my dad leaving, the day after Christmas, 32 years ago. Good times! I am so glad I no longer carry the emotions from that event, and no longer dread and hate Christmas as a result. I am not a big participant in all the December traditions (like Christmas trees, lights, gift exchange, etc.), but at least they no longer cause me emotional distress. Maybe next year I will go all out and decorate...maybe not. LOL!

Awakened by a fit of pain.

2009-12-22T05:33:00.000-08:00

And a big green ball of snot. Woke up in a fit of back pain and being unable to breathe. Turned off the humidifier. Went to the bathroom and mixed up warm salt water to blast out my nose. God. When awakening like that, which is usual lately, the cold weather makes it worse, I am acutely aware of returning to my body from somewhere else. Very strange. An apple sounded good. Must be helpful for the body so it can deal with clearing snot. God. Wasn't very filling, though.