The destruction of the Fifth Night.

Well I thought I was doing pretty well in this, the final cycle of the Mayan Calendar, which ends on October 28th of this year. I thought I had seen all of the change and destruction that was going to happen in my personal life before this year began, but clearly I cannot escape the forces of nature any more than anyone else. We are collectively undergoing this radical transformation, of everything, every single teeny weeny little thing.

I guess the boys think that I had back surgery and that everything is AOK and fixed now. But that's not quite how it works. I know that I camouflaged my scoliosis disability pretty well, for many, many years, and generally speaking, nobody knew that I had a 13-level spinal fusion when I was 16 - my appearance did not reveal anything that would make anyone come to that conclusion unless you knew me or unless I told you. There were general tell-tale signs, like the muscle atrophy in my torso, arms, and legs, which was the result of being unable to move my torso for 30 years, and being unable to use any substantial weight to exercise with, during the years that I was able to exercise. But, generally speaking, I was independent and did not think of myself as "disabled," and certainly no one else did either. The fact is that I was disabled, beginning at age 14. I just had medical treatment that sort of hid the issue from sight. But, problems eventually surfaced, and a revision surgery was needed. The end results were (1) even more limited mobility than before, and (2) constant agonizing pain and discomfort. Even I have been surprised by the severity of my limitations, and have, until now, fought it tooth and nail. But I see now that I am going to have to accept my new lower level of functioning. The most difficult part is that most of the world operates from a higher level of functioning, and I suppose that all who do are guilty of assuming that everyone is able to do the same. I mean, I can't say that I want anyone's sympathy, or pity, but it would be nice if it were recognized what a hard time I have just doing the most basic things. That might make communication a little easier.

There has been constant tension between Jesse and Michael and myself since, since I don't know when. My sense of time is distorted anyway. I think I have explained to them that basically I had no friends in the area before we met, I had not met any new friends between then and the time I had surgery, and that they are pretty much my lifeline to the outside world. While considering the assertion that I was being too "needy," and/or having unrealistic expectations, I had long ago voiced how isolated I felt, and suggested that perhaps we should make it a point to talk once per week or once every other week on the telephone. That suggestion came and went and never materialized, but I just let it be. I have attempted to stifle my urges to reach out, so as to not seem "needy," God how I hate that term, it has such a negative connotation.

Over that past number of weeks, different episodes have left me feeling totally ignored, and I have voiced this, and been met with skepticism. I am not unwilling to entertain the idea that my feelings are skewed, because of all the time I spend entirely alone (in part due to the fact that I feel like hammered shit most of the time, and in part because I have made a commitment to help my mom keep her house out of the hands of the bank, at least until we can get a loan modification processed - and that means being strapped for cash - add all these things up and I don't get out much).

So, these tensions culminated this past weekend when the boys were here visiting Jason, and posting lots of photos and check-ins and things on facebook. Jesse sent a text message to me on Saturday with an invitation to come to dinner at Jason's, but my telephone service has been acting up and I did not receive any text messages for a few days last week and all weekend, until I called the telephone company today and got that straightened out. So, given that I was already feeling ignored, and given that they were having so much fun without me, and given that I do not want to be a burden or to be seen as "needy," I decided that it would be easier for my mental health if I did not see all these posts because it just makes me feel more ignored than I already was. So, I "unfriended" them on facebook. That way, if they wanted to come visit me, they would notify me and do so, and we would carry on as usual, and, if they were coming here to not visit me, that would be fine also, but at least I would not have to torture myself about whether I was being ignored and such. Well, that did not go over very well. I suppose nowadays people assume that if you click the unfriend button that you don't want to be friends in real life anymore.

The strange thing is that when I voice these feelings, I get met with total resistance, as though I have no right or reason to have any feelings, much less that they be feelings of loneliness. Now that that the phone was repaired, I see that Jesse did send text messages to me on Saturday, but of course they did not arrive until after I spoke with the telephone technician today. But I am so curious about that - if I had a friend who lived in another city was was physically challenged and who had voiced feelings of loneliness in the very recent past, would I not pick up the telephone and call after receiving no response to my messages, in order to make sure that everything was OK, or to make sure that the messages were received? To make sure that the person was coming, or, if he was unable to come, that there wasn't anything he needed or needed help doing? That does not seem to be anything that would be a stretch, or out of the ordinary, or burdensome at all. Technology fails. It's a fact. Wouldn't you just pick up the phone and call in a case like that?

So, I am altogether totally at a complete loss now. I am a disabled person, who lives alone, far away from everyone that I know. I am going to continue to have challenges with basic functioning, and certainly will continue to have challenges with my mental health concerning my new lower level of functioning, my inability to socialize, my isolation, etc. It does not seem like rocket science to me that it would be expected that I might need someone to call periodically to check in with me to see how I am feeling, or to make sure that I have not totally lost my marbles and need to be hospitalized or something, or to make a little extra effort to make me feel welcomed and wanted. I have been trying to stifle my neediness, and instead of helping the situation, that strategy is backfiring. All I want is to have my happy friendships back, for them to be happy to see me and to want to interact with me, as they are able, when they are able. I don't necessarily want to monopolize their time, I don't want them to feel that they have to come here every week or every month or every two months for that matter. I know that this is one of their favorite places, because we used to come here together constantly. But I sure don't want to feel ignored, either. Two weekends ago, we went out to Arenas street to meet up with Jason, and I was then ignored from the moment we arrived. They watched porn, they talked among themselves, they talked with the other patrons, and I was ignored. Jason never did finish his sentence to give me his telephone number, so I guess I am going to go knock on his door and get it from him. And this past weekend, Jesse sent me text messages and assumed that I got them, I guess, or maybe he forgot all about me. I cannot imagine that he would think that I got them and would have no response at all, when there are no other people on the planet I would rather be with than he and Michael.

And then there is the accusation of being envious. Well, let's see. If your best friends, with whom you used to spend every spare moment with, suddenly were unable to spend all those moments with you for whatever reason, and were spending them with someone else instead, who WOULDN'T be envious? That seems to me to just be a completely normal reaction.

So, there you have it. Mixed-signals, assumptions, varying priorities, electronic gadget failure, worsened by feelings of loneliness, probably caused by depression, and you get this disaster. All
I want is to be free from mental torture and to have my friends back. But as long as they view me as a fully functioning person who is just being "needy," I wonder if we will be able to make that work. Well, here's hoping.

Might as well make best use of the eclipse and solstice, and purge the shit that the mirror is showing me.

How in the gay hell did I get here?
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How did I get to be 48 years old, disabled, alone, and dependent upon two people who probably do not want the responsibility? They may be unable to even fathom that I am so dependent upon them for support, since they are the only people I have any emotional attachment with. They did not cause that situation, so why should they be responsible for it? It is an unfair burden for them. I think that if they spent any time at all considering the issue, and if they had the time and ability to be more supportive, that surely they would do so. They love me. But, in these times on this planet, we are all taxed to the absolute maximum, and their own lives get in the way of this consideration. As all of ours do. No shame or guilt in that - we are all under the strains of the world at this time.
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I guess the problem is all in those pesky little definitions of words. When I say that I love someone, I mean exactly that, and I mean that I am there for support of any kind, any time, holding your hand or holding you in a hug while you battle your demons or just need reassurance, making sure your needs are met, etc., and so on. It is a trap for me to think that everyone who uses this word has the same definition attached to it. It is a trap that leads me to feel forgotten and less loved, but that is not necessarily true. Just because someone is unable or unwilling to attend to my emotional needs from time to time, for whatever reason, does not mean that I am less loved in any way.
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Well, at any rate, I have to find more friends and a love interest, or at least somewhere to get support. I don't have a clue how, or where, or what will make this happen, I am not the kind of person that when I walk into a room or bar, everyone flocks around me. That has not been my experience, never will be. And of course, there is the added roadblock that the mainstream gay culture has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to meet anymore gay people. They have all totally lost touch with reality, with history, with our common struggle and how we got where we are today, how to treat each other with respect, and how to form and maintain relationships. So, the focus has to be that I select activities to do and places to go that interest me, and where I might find other interested parties who happen to be gay. That's it. That's all I can do. I don't know what else to do. I mean the rest of the world seems to approach this problem by getting drunker than shit and going to a bar and starting to flirt and make out with whoever is willing. I wish I could find the courage to be that person.
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What I want is to be considered beautiful. That would make things so easy, wouldn't it. How am I going to overcome looking in the mirror and seeing Frankenstein, with this deformed body that does not work and that makes me miserable? I just refuse to believe that I am that fucking ugly, but my experience tells me so. And when I do overcome it, how am I going to find someone who I will be attracted to who will also be attracted to me?
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Really, the only way out of that spinning vortex of thought is to take another approach. Take inventory of what I have going for me, appreciate my good qualities, be thankful for the good things that I do have, and rejoice in the knowledge that I do NOT have HIV issues, addiction issues that cloud my judgment or ability to survive, abuse issues, or a whole host of other awful things. Accentuate the positive.
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That's why I do not do well in isolation. I cannot stay focused on the positive. That's why I am addicted to and dependent upon those who love me, with whom I am able to feel good about myself, and to have fun and enjoy life. That's why I crave their company and touch like heroin.
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So there you have it. I am like an addict trying to get my fix of attention from the only people who love and support me, because I am a frightened, lonely, rejected little boy who feels like the ugly duckling. Lovely.
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Well, it looks like I am a very lucky man if I have friends who love me enough to be in this state of mind and to make this journey and to try to change and improve my life, even when it is a difficult road. That is what love does. So how can I figure out how to love myself enough that I can have fun with them instead of feeling this way?

The Darkness is REALLY surfacing now.

From watching the situations of everyone's lives swirling around me, I can only comment that the darkness is lashing out trying just as hard as it can to capture as many souls as it can as we careen toward the final day of the Mayan Calendar on 10/28/2011. Since March, the entire world seems to be falling apart and human interactions are more and more chaotic and tense. From not having enough money to go around, which is pretty much a universal constant for all of us except the top 1% of the population, to relationships changing, to all sorts of situations that seem unjust and unfair, the dark side is trying its best to grab the upper hand. The final eclipse in the series of three will be on July 15th so we can expect continued chaos until then at least. There is nothing left for us to do except follow our hearts and accept the consequences of our decisions, and to seek the guidance of our highest selves. To be loving and forgiving while not allowing our boundaries to be violated. What do we want to create? What do we want for ourselves? How does that fit in with the highest good for all concerned? Are our decisions based upon good, solid factual reality or some version of some fantasy in our heads? We must consider all of these things carefully, because we have to endure the consequences whether or not we make good choices. Nobody can save us except ourselves!
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All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by people who actually love each other and who get along, after being raised in a family where neither was present. It is still what I cherish and desire. I remain optimistic that love can solve any problem, can right any wrong. I hope that someday that humanity will choose love instead of all this other stuff.
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So, anyone feeling the urge to leave the planet, know that it is easy to feel that vibe right now during all the chaos, but that the urge will pass sooner than usual on this oscillation. Just hang on tight. No jumping in front of traffic please, Marcus. Although I totally get it that you want to. I totally get it.

This is not humane.

Spoiler: graphic language ahead.

This is not humane.

I need a husband coming home at night.

I need someone to write love notes to.

I need someone to talk to.

I need someone to send me nasty little texts or whispers into the telephone about how much he misses me and what he is going to do to prove it when he gets home.

I need a husband who loves to just sit and hold the head of my cock in his mouth.

I do appreciate having my puppy dog to hold and pet, but damn. I am thinking skin would be much better to lick. And I so seriously would.

I really hope that something better happens for me soon.

This is not humane.

What's the NEW twist on the old subjects?

Plenty to write and talk about from the past week. Not a single bit of it worth my time or effort. Everybody's nuts. I'll be isolating more; no need to continue to venture out of my harmonic home.

"I have steak at home. Why would I go out for hamburger?" - Paul Newman, speaking about JoAnne Woodward.

Earthly delusions...

Those of us who are sensitive to energy and who have been greatly affected by the ongoing ascension process are finally coming to the realization that perhaps we do have to change the environments we live in so that our frequency can continue to increase. For some, this has meant moving to new locations, and for others it has meant changes in jobs, housecleaning, remodeling, breakups and divorce, etc. This process is really heating up now, as we find the urge to "go home" stronger than it has ever been. After having pulled back layer after layer after layer of the onion of dross from our physical and emotional bodies, which had been put into place during our "socialization" on earth, we find now that we are closer to our Divine state than we have ever been. We are remembering the Unity that we arrived here on earth with, and wonder how it is possible that we were duped into believing all of the insanity on this planet, and how it is possible that the masses are still so entirely clueless about what is really going on.
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The most difficult part is trying to find a place to belong, a place where we can find the others who have come to understand that none of the earth paradigms are real, with whom we can relax and be assured that our energy field will not be disturbed by anyone who is still leaking negative energy as a result of being stuck in the false earth realities. We are finding it more and more difficult to live and to be around anything that is not of the highest vibration. Just this evening, on my birthday, I was with two people who I have met here in Palm Springs. We went to Hunters and saw a drag show (it was bizarre being in that bar when it was completely empty - everyone must have spent the day on the coast at Long Beach Pride), and then we went to Bongo Johnny's for a snack and a drink. They each had a HUGE dirty martini, and I had guacamole and iced tea. Then, we stopped at the liquor store where they bought a 40-ounce beer and guzzled that. We went to the Riviera hotel to buy a drink at the bar and sneak into the hot tub. The more alcohol they consumed, the more delusional they became. For me, it becomes not only a matter of wondering what kind of crazy stunt they will pull next, what obscenity they will shout out, what rudeness they will exhibit to others, but also a matter of cringing in fear of my physical safety. I cannot have even medium-sized people who are inebriated lunging at me or leaning on me, pulling me in different directions. It hurts. We left the Riviera with the idea that they wanted to go dancing, yet another activity that I cannot engage in since my entire torso does not move. Ultimately, I took them home and then came home to my own quiet, comfortable bed. The more alcohol they drink, the more sadness they exhibit, the more anger and negativity they release onto others, whom they blame for their life conditions, instead of being able to see how they have created their misery for themselves.
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Mind you, alcohol consumption is not the only thing that causes people's vibration to be lowered to the point where the negative energy leaks affect others. And some people can consume alcohol and be perfectly happy and enjoyable to be around. The point is that since we have struggled for so long to be able to finally see what is really going on in the world, and now that we are finally able to create a happy space for ourselves, being around the lower vibrations that cause us distress is just not tolerable any longer. We do not want to be thrown off the delicate balance that we have worked so hard to find. This means that we isolate and hibernate. We dream of being able to go into the world and to interact with others, but we refuse to step into the density of the lower vibrations of fear, anger, hatred, instability, control, jealousy, judgment, or any other emotion or action that does not support love and wholeness.
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Many of the people who are still unaware and who are stuck in the false earth paradigms demonstrated their mass delusion this weekend with another doomsday prediction of the "rapture" which, of course, did not come to pass. They collectively realize that something is horribly wrong on earth, and desperately want to someone or something to "fix" it, to the point where they actively clamor and hope for the destruction and end of the world. If only they could see outside the blinders they have placed on themselves, if only they could rise up out of the density of all of the false paradigms and see that they can have all that they desire, right here, right now.
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For those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to isolate ourselves somewhat from all of the mass delusion, who do not have to go out into the world and interact with the dense energy swirling about, the picture is much clearer. But, it is confusing, to say the least. On one hand, we want to be able to interact and to "find" the stable, happy, loving, easy, graceful way of life in the outside world. But we cannot. So, we isolate, and try as hard as we can to allow nothing and no one to throw us off balance, to knock us down off the delicate higher vibrational place that we have just barely been able to reach ourselves. For a while, we may try as hard as we can to share what we have discovered with others, and hope to show them how to reach the higher vibrations themselves. But we cannot. They have to seek and find it on their own. Meanwhile, we simply must protect ourselves and stay put in the higher planes. The only way out of this mess is to stay centered and focused, creating more and more of the higher vibrational energy in our personal spaces, so that it can ripple out into every facet of our lives. This is the only way we will be able to create what we so desire - it begins with us.
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So, for those of you who understand and have direct knowledge and the perception of Unity Consciousness, please understand that nothing will "change" the outside world to reflect what you already know. You have to create it in your own space, refuse to allow anything of lower vibration to affect your creation. Ultimately, others who either already understand Unity or who are seeking to understand it, will align with you. You can't force it. You just have to be it. On one hand, this is a little disturbing and saddening, but on the other hand, it is very liberating to know that we each have the power to create harmony in our spaces, and that we absolutely can refuse to allow anything that disturbs that harmony to come into that space that we have created for ourselves. Have you sharpened your boundary setting skills? You are going to need them.
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For me personally, it is to the point where I do not want to tolerate even temporary disturbances in my energy field, like the drama tonight which ended with the drunk party showing up ringing my doorbell at 2:30 in the morning looking for a lost telephone. So clueless, inconsiderate, and selfish - could that not have waited until morning? I think so. However, I no longer become angered to the point where there is any lasting effect on my peace of mind. I know that I am home and safe, and that all I have to do is refocus my attention onto the harmony I have created in my heart and home and the happiness will return. Because it is not "out there" anywhere - it is inside me. As much as I want to observe it on the outside, that will not occur except when others who respect the boundaries I have set find me, and can enter the space I have created for myself without disturbing my harmony. And there you have it - the thing that I most aspire to do and to be - at home and at peace with my own inner harmony, while not disturbing that peace and harmony of anyone else.
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My intention, therefore, is to be able to create a harmonious, happy, space for myself, where I can get my basic physical needs met, feed myself and give myself proper hygiene and care so that the maximum level of comfort is available to me always. I have struggled with this for a long time, lashing out because I have been forever unable to observe or to find this level of comfort in the outside world. I don't have to lash out anymore. I have to become the harmony, and stay in that space for myself. Others will either join me, or not. And that is not anything that concerns me at this time. While I have been so extremely disappointed that I have been unable to find romantic love as I had pictured it, unable to live the fairy tale romance that I had been taught while growing up and during my entire life by all the songs, movies, etc., I see now that trying to find or observe that in the outside world is part of the false paradigm. I will only see it when I clear my space of everything that is not in harmony with my own high vibration.
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"Don't let the bastards get you down." - Unknown
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"Don't stoop to their level." - Unknown
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"Keep your chin up." - Unknown
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"Hold your head up high." - Unknown
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"Speak softly, and carry a big stick; you will go far." - African proverb

Mothers' Day

Or should it be mother FUCKERS day.


I've said it all before.


Talking about it does not make me feel any better, nor move me in any direction toward solving the problem.


So what is it that DOES make me feel better?


Nothing. I have lost interest in every single effin thing.


Inner child keeps throwing tantrum after tantrum, screaming, " play with me!" all while the other boys just ignore me.


I feel like Cindy Sheehan gone to sit at the Bush ranch to solicit answers, or just to express my grief.


The grief of yet another day, another night of lovelorn misery. Where oh where can my twin flame be hiding?


At this point, he may want to be on guard when he meets me, in case I slap the shit out of him. LOL!



Speaking of mothers, I find myself once again in the position of having my mother dependent upon me. This time is not the result of bad health, thankfully, but rather, bad decisions. I remember my friend Retha from Arkansas, who greatly identified with me because she was the family "blacksheep" also. She observed that it was those of us who were ostracized who were more responsible, more dependable, and always seemed to have money available to us. However, because of our inability to set boundaries, and our compassionate nature, we are usually giving it away to the very family members who ostracize us - or in this case with my family, because of them.


At least I am not having to work two jobs this time around. There is *no* way.


This has the very distinct effect of isolation. Just what I need.


It has become evident, that when I do have a buck or two to spend, and can try to re-join society again, (this process was never really completed the first time I set out to rejoin society in 1999, after my mom had returned to work and when I gave up my second job and moved halfway across the country), my tactic has to change. I am finding that there are no other people playing on my playing field in the social setttings where I have been since 1999. Oh, who am I kidding - I wonder if there ever were any. I have not met any available men, from Dallas, to Houston, to Washington DC, to San Francisco, to Los Angeles, to Long Beach, to all over Southern California. In fact, the more concentrated the gay population, the more out of touch with reality the men are. They have completely forgotton what we have struggled through. They have forgotten their humanity, using each other in the most horrifying ways.


I think I need to go on a cruise, or some other kind of vacation, where I can meet people from outside my immediate culture. I would LOVE to go on a cruise with Esther Hicks. There are other achaeological trips to ancient sites now that the scientists are so interested in ancient technology. I would love to go to a David Wilcock seminar, or a Bashar weekend lecture, or the Tesla Tech conference, or the international pot competition in Amsterdam - Cannabis Cup - or any number of other things that would get me in the company of other people on my wavelength.


I am very concerned with the complete lack of available men (who are relationship oriented, brown, smooth and sexy, and who are monogamy-minded). But I cannot continue to feel worthless because I am alone, or to evaluate each day by whether or not I moved any closer to meeting HIM. I might as well go dig my grave already. I am dropping completely out of being GAY. I have no interest in the whole no-strings-attached, free love thing. Identifying others on my wavelength has proven to be impossible. I just have to figure out how to start chasing dreams of my own and allowing that frequency to attract what I am looking for. The thing that most takes me out of my mental prison is travel. Exploration. Learning. I have some work to do before I am financially and physically capable of such a thing. But it must be done.


Why are they all hung up on hair? I LOVE my skin with no hair. OMG. I do not understand men in the least.


Please send a buyer for my mom's house.
Please.


I have to get out of this box.