The destruction of the Fifth Night.

Well I thought I was doing pretty well in this, the final cycle of the Mayan Calendar, which ends on October 28th of this year. I thought I had seen all of the change and destruction that was going to happen in my personal life before this year began, but clearly I cannot escape the forces of nature any more than anyone else. We are collectively undergoing this radical transformation, of everything, every single teeny weeny little thing.

I guess the boys think that I had back surgery and that everything is AOK and fixed now. But that's not quite how it works. I know that I camouflaged my scoliosis disability pretty well, for many, many years, and generally speaking, nobody knew that I had a 13-level spinal fusion when I was 16 - my appearance did not reveal anything that would make anyone come to that conclusion unless you knew me or unless I told you. There were general tell-tale signs, like the muscle atrophy in my torso, arms, and legs, which was the result of being unable to move my torso for 30 years, and being unable to use any substantial weight to exercise with, during the years that I was able to exercise. But, generally speaking, I was independent and did not think of myself as "disabled," and certainly no one else did either. The fact is that I was disabled, beginning at age 14. I just had medical treatment that sort of hid the issue from sight. But, problems eventually surfaced, and a revision surgery was needed. The end results were (1) even more limited mobility than before, and (2) constant agonizing pain and discomfort. Even I have been surprised by the severity of my limitations, and have, until now, fought it tooth and nail. But I see now that I am going to have to accept my new lower level of functioning. The most difficult part is that most of the world operates from a higher level of functioning, and I suppose that all who do are guilty of assuming that everyone is able to do the same. I mean, I can't say that I want anyone's sympathy, or pity, but it would be nice if it were recognized what a hard time I have just doing the most basic things. That might make communication a little easier.

There has been constant tension between Jesse and Michael and myself since, since I don't know when. My sense of time is distorted anyway. I think I have explained to them that basically I had no friends in the area before we met, I had not met any new friends between then and the time I had surgery, and that they are pretty much my lifeline to the outside world. While considering the assertion that I was being too "needy," and/or having unrealistic expectations, I had long ago voiced how isolated I felt, and suggested that perhaps we should make it a point to talk once per week or once every other week on the telephone. That suggestion came and went and never materialized, but I just let it be. I have attempted to stifle my urges to reach out, so as to not seem "needy," God how I hate that term, it has such a negative connotation.

Over that past number of weeks, different episodes have left me feeling totally ignored, and I have voiced this, and been met with skepticism. I am not unwilling to entertain the idea that my feelings are skewed, because of all the time I spend entirely alone (in part due to the fact that I feel like hammered shit most of the time, and in part because I have made a commitment to help my mom keep her house out of the hands of the bank, at least until we can get a loan modification processed - and that means being strapped for cash - add all these things up and I don't get out much).

So, these tensions culminated this past weekend when the boys were here visiting Jason, and posting lots of photos and check-ins and things on facebook. Jesse sent a text message to me on Saturday with an invitation to come to dinner at Jason's, but my telephone service has been acting up and I did not receive any text messages for a few days last week and all weekend, until I called the telephone company today and got that straightened out. So, given that I was already feeling ignored, and given that they were having so much fun without me, and given that I do not want to be a burden or to be seen as "needy," I decided that it would be easier for my mental health if I did not see all these posts because it just makes me feel more ignored than I already was. So, I "unfriended" them on facebook. That way, if they wanted to come visit me, they would notify me and do so, and we would carry on as usual, and, if they were coming here to not visit me, that would be fine also, but at least I would not have to torture myself about whether I was being ignored and such. Well, that did not go over very well. I suppose nowadays people assume that if you click the unfriend button that you don't want to be friends in real life anymore.

The strange thing is that when I voice these feelings, I get met with total resistance, as though I have no right or reason to have any feelings, much less that they be feelings of loneliness. Now that that the phone was repaired, I see that Jesse did send text messages to me on Saturday, but of course they did not arrive until after I spoke with the telephone technician today. But I am so curious about that - if I had a friend who lived in another city was was physically challenged and who had voiced feelings of loneliness in the very recent past, would I not pick up the telephone and call after receiving no response to my messages, in order to make sure that everything was OK, or to make sure that the messages were received? To make sure that the person was coming, or, if he was unable to come, that there wasn't anything he needed or needed help doing? That does not seem to be anything that would be a stretch, or out of the ordinary, or burdensome at all. Technology fails. It's a fact. Wouldn't you just pick up the phone and call in a case like that?

So, I am altogether totally at a complete loss now. I am a disabled person, who lives alone, far away from everyone that I know. I am going to continue to have challenges with basic functioning, and certainly will continue to have challenges with my mental health concerning my new lower level of functioning, my inability to socialize, my isolation, etc. It does not seem like rocket science to me that it would be expected that I might need someone to call periodically to check in with me to see how I am feeling, or to make sure that I have not totally lost my marbles and need to be hospitalized or something, or to make a little extra effort to make me feel welcomed and wanted. I have been trying to stifle my neediness, and instead of helping the situation, that strategy is backfiring. All I want is to have my happy friendships back, for them to be happy to see me and to want to interact with me, as they are able, when they are able. I don't necessarily want to monopolize their time, I don't want them to feel that they have to come here every week or every month or every two months for that matter. I know that this is one of their favorite places, because we used to come here together constantly. But I sure don't want to feel ignored, either. Two weekends ago, we went out to Arenas street to meet up with Jason, and I was then ignored from the moment we arrived. They watched porn, they talked among themselves, they talked with the other patrons, and I was ignored. Jason never did finish his sentence to give me his telephone number, so I guess I am going to go knock on his door and get it from him. And this past weekend, Jesse sent me text messages and assumed that I got them, I guess, or maybe he forgot all about me. I cannot imagine that he would think that I got them and would have no response at all, when there are no other people on the planet I would rather be with than he and Michael.

And then there is the accusation of being envious. Well, let's see. If your best friends, with whom you used to spend every spare moment with, suddenly were unable to spend all those moments with you for whatever reason, and were spending them with someone else instead, who WOULDN'T be envious? That seems to me to just be a completely normal reaction.

So, there you have it. Mixed-signals, assumptions, varying priorities, electronic gadget failure, worsened by feelings of loneliness, probably caused by depression, and you get this disaster. All
I want is to be free from mental torture and to have my friends back. But as long as they view me as a fully functioning person who is just being "needy," I wonder if we will be able to make that work. Well, here's hoping.

Might as well make best use of the eclipse and solstice, and purge the shit that the mirror is showing me.

How in the gay hell did I get here?
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How did I get to be 48 years old, disabled, alone, and dependent upon two people who probably do not want the responsibility? They may be unable to even fathom that I am so dependent upon them for support, since they are the only people I have any emotional attachment with. They did not cause that situation, so why should they be responsible for it? It is an unfair burden for them. I think that if they spent any time at all considering the issue, and if they had the time and ability to be more supportive, that surely they would do so. They love me. But, in these times on this planet, we are all taxed to the absolute maximum, and their own lives get in the way of this consideration. As all of ours do. No shame or guilt in that - we are all under the strains of the world at this time.
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I guess the problem is all in those pesky little definitions of words. When I say that I love someone, I mean exactly that, and I mean that I am there for support of any kind, any time, holding your hand or holding you in a hug while you battle your demons or just need reassurance, making sure your needs are met, etc., and so on. It is a trap for me to think that everyone who uses this word has the same definition attached to it. It is a trap that leads me to feel forgotten and less loved, but that is not necessarily true. Just because someone is unable or unwilling to attend to my emotional needs from time to time, for whatever reason, does not mean that I am less loved in any way.
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Well, at any rate, I have to find more friends and a love interest, or at least somewhere to get support. I don't have a clue how, or where, or what will make this happen, I am not the kind of person that when I walk into a room or bar, everyone flocks around me. That has not been my experience, never will be. And of course, there is the added roadblock that the mainstream gay culture has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to meet anymore gay people. They have all totally lost touch with reality, with history, with our common struggle and how we got where we are today, how to treat each other with respect, and how to form and maintain relationships. So, the focus has to be that I select activities to do and places to go that interest me, and where I might find other interested parties who happen to be gay. That's it. That's all I can do. I don't know what else to do. I mean the rest of the world seems to approach this problem by getting drunker than shit and going to a bar and starting to flirt and make out with whoever is willing. I wish I could find the courage to be that person.
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What I want is to be considered beautiful. That would make things so easy, wouldn't it. How am I going to overcome looking in the mirror and seeing Frankenstein, with this deformed body that does not work and that makes me miserable? I just refuse to believe that I am that fucking ugly, but my experience tells me so. And when I do overcome it, how am I going to find someone who I will be attracted to who will also be attracted to me?
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Really, the only way out of that spinning vortex of thought is to take another approach. Take inventory of what I have going for me, appreciate my good qualities, be thankful for the good things that I do have, and rejoice in the knowledge that I do NOT have HIV issues, addiction issues that cloud my judgment or ability to survive, abuse issues, or a whole host of other awful things. Accentuate the positive.
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That's why I do not do well in isolation. I cannot stay focused on the positive. That's why I am addicted to and dependent upon those who love me, with whom I am able to feel good about myself, and to have fun and enjoy life. That's why I crave their company and touch like heroin.
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So there you have it. I am like an addict trying to get my fix of attention from the only people who love and support me, because I am a frightened, lonely, rejected little boy who feels like the ugly duckling. Lovely.
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Well, it looks like I am a very lucky man if I have friends who love me enough to be in this state of mind and to make this journey and to try to change and improve my life, even when it is a difficult road. That is what love does. So how can I figure out how to love myself enough that I can have fun with them instead of feeling this way?

The Darkness is REALLY surfacing now.

From watching the situations of everyone's lives swirling around me, I can only comment that the darkness is lashing out trying just as hard as it can to capture as many souls as it can as we careen toward the final day of the Mayan Calendar on 10/28/2011. Since March, the entire world seems to be falling apart and human interactions are more and more chaotic and tense. From not having enough money to go around, which is pretty much a universal constant for all of us except the top 1% of the population, to relationships changing, to all sorts of situations that seem unjust and unfair, the dark side is trying its best to grab the upper hand. The final eclipse in the series of three will be on July 15th so we can expect continued chaos until then at least. There is nothing left for us to do except follow our hearts and accept the consequences of our decisions, and to seek the guidance of our highest selves. To be loving and forgiving while not allowing our boundaries to be violated. What do we want to create? What do we want for ourselves? How does that fit in with the highest good for all concerned? Are our decisions based upon good, solid factual reality or some version of some fantasy in our heads? We must consider all of these things carefully, because we have to endure the consequences whether or not we make good choices. Nobody can save us except ourselves!
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All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by people who actually love each other and who get along, after being raised in a family where neither was present. It is still what I cherish and desire. I remain optimistic that love can solve any problem, can right any wrong. I hope that someday that humanity will choose love instead of all this other stuff.
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So, anyone feeling the urge to leave the planet, know that it is easy to feel that vibe right now during all the chaos, but that the urge will pass sooner than usual on this oscillation. Just hang on tight. No jumping in front of traffic please, Marcus. Although I totally get it that you want to. I totally get it.

This is not humane.

Spoiler: graphic language ahead.

This is not humane.

I need a husband coming home at night.

I need someone to write love notes to.

I need someone to talk to.

I need someone to send me nasty little texts or whispers into the telephone about how much he misses me and what he is going to do to prove it when he gets home.

I need a husband who loves to just sit and hold the head of my cock in his mouth.

I do appreciate having my puppy dog to hold and pet, but damn. I am thinking skin would be much better to lick. And I so seriously would.

I really hope that something better happens for me soon.

This is not humane.

What's the NEW twist on the old subjects?

Plenty to write and talk about from the past week. Not a single bit of it worth my time or effort. Everybody's nuts. I'll be isolating more; no need to continue to venture out of my harmonic home.

"I have steak at home. Why would I go out for hamburger?" - Paul Newman, speaking about JoAnne Woodward.

Earthly delusions...

Those of us who are sensitive to energy and who have been greatly affected by the ongoing ascension process are finally coming to the realization that perhaps we do have to change the environments we live in so that our frequency can continue to increase. For some, this has meant moving to new locations, and for others it has meant changes in jobs, housecleaning, remodeling, breakups and divorce, etc. This process is really heating up now, as we find the urge to "go home" stronger than it has ever been. After having pulled back layer after layer after layer of the onion of dross from our physical and emotional bodies, which had been put into place during our "socialization" on earth, we find now that we are closer to our Divine state than we have ever been. We are remembering the Unity that we arrived here on earth with, and wonder how it is possible that we were duped into believing all of the insanity on this planet, and how it is possible that the masses are still so entirely clueless about what is really going on.
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The most difficult part is trying to find a place to belong, a place where we can find the others who have come to understand that none of the earth paradigms are real, with whom we can relax and be assured that our energy field will not be disturbed by anyone who is still leaking negative energy as a result of being stuck in the false earth realities. We are finding it more and more difficult to live and to be around anything that is not of the highest vibration. Just this evening, on my birthday, I was with two people who I have met here in Palm Springs. We went to Hunters and saw a drag show (it was bizarre being in that bar when it was completely empty - everyone must have spent the day on the coast at Long Beach Pride), and then we went to Bongo Johnny's for a snack and a drink. They each had a HUGE dirty martini, and I had guacamole and iced tea. Then, we stopped at the liquor store where they bought a 40-ounce beer and guzzled that. We went to the Riviera hotel to buy a drink at the bar and sneak into the hot tub. The more alcohol they consumed, the more delusional they became. For me, it becomes not only a matter of wondering what kind of crazy stunt they will pull next, what obscenity they will shout out, what rudeness they will exhibit to others, but also a matter of cringing in fear of my physical safety. I cannot have even medium-sized people who are inebriated lunging at me or leaning on me, pulling me in different directions. It hurts. We left the Riviera with the idea that they wanted to go dancing, yet another activity that I cannot engage in since my entire torso does not move. Ultimately, I took them home and then came home to my own quiet, comfortable bed. The more alcohol they drink, the more sadness they exhibit, the more anger and negativity they release onto others, whom they blame for their life conditions, instead of being able to see how they have created their misery for themselves.
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Mind you, alcohol consumption is not the only thing that causes people's vibration to be lowered to the point where the negative energy leaks affect others. And some people can consume alcohol and be perfectly happy and enjoyable to be around. The point is that since we have struggled for so long to be able to finally see what is really going on in the world, and now that we are finally able to create a happy space for ourselves, being around the lower vibrations that cause us distress is just not tolerable any longer. We do not want to be thrown off the delicate balance that we have worked so hard to find. This means that we isolate and hibernate. We dream of being able to go into the world and to interact with others, but we refuse to step into the density of the lower vibrations of fear, anger, hatred, instability, control, jealousy, judgment, or any other emotion or action that does not support love and wholeness.
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Many of the people who are still unaware and who are stuck in the false earth paradigms demonstrated their mass delusion this weekend with another doomsday prediction of the "rapture" which, of course, did not come to pass. They collectively realize that something is horribly wrong on earth, and desperately want to someone or something to "fix" it, to the point where they actively clamor and hope for the destruction and end of the world. If only they could see outside the blinders they have placed on themselves, if only they could rise up out of the density of all of the false paradigms and see that they can have all that they desire, right here, right now.
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For those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to isolate ourselves somewhat from all of the mass delusion, who do not have to go out into the world and interact with the dense energy swirling about, the picture is much clearer. But, it is confusing, to say the least. On one hand, we want to be able to interact and to "find" the stable, happy, loving, easy, graceful way of life in the outside world. But we cannot. So, we isolate, and try as hard as we can to allow nothing and no one to throw us off balance, to knock us down off the delicate higher vibrational place that we have just barely been able to reach ourselves. For a while, we may try as hard as we can to share what we have discovered with others, and hope to show them how to reach the higher vibrations themselves. But we cannot. They have to seek and find it on their own. Meanwhile, we simply must protect ourselves and stay put in the higher planes. The only way out of this mess is to stay centered and focused, creating more and more of the higher vibrational energy in our personal spaces, so that it can ripple out into every facet of our lives. This is the only way we will be able to create what we so desire - it begins with us.
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So, for those of you who understand and have direct knowledge and the perception of Unity Consciousness, please understand that nothing will "change" the outside world to reflect what you already know. You have to create it in your own space, refuse to allow anything of lower vibration to affect your creation. Ultimately, others who either already understand Unity or who are seeking to understand it, will align with you. You can't force it. You just have to be it. On one hand, this is a little disturbing and saddening, but on the other hand, it is very liberating to know that we each have the power to create harmony in our spaces, and that we absolutely can refuse to allow anything that disturbs that harmony to come into that space that we have created for ourselves. Have you sharpened your boundary setting skills? You are going to need them.
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For me personally, it is to the point where I do not want to tolerate even temporary disturbances in my energy field, like the drama tonight which ended with the drunk party showing up ringing my doorbell at 2:30 in the morning looking for a lost telephone. So clueless, inconsiderate, and selfish - could that not have waited until morning? I think so. However, I no longer become angered to the point where there is any lasting effect on my peace of mind. I know that I am home and safe, and that all I have to do is refocus my attention onto the harmony I have created in my heart and home and the happiness will return. Because it is not "out there" anywhere - it is inside me. As much as I want to observe it on the outside, that will not occur except when others who respect the boundaries I have set find me, and can enter the space I have created for myself without disturbing my harmony. And there you have it - the thing that I most aspire to do and to be - at home and at peace with my own inner harmony, while not disturbing that peace and harmony of anyone else.
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My intention, therefore, is to be able to create a harmonious, happy, space for myself, where I can get my basic physical needs met, feed myself and give myself proper hygiene and care so that the maximum level of comfort is available to me always. I have struggled with this for a long time, lashing out because I have been forever unable to observe or to find this level of comfort in the outside world. I don't have to lash out anymore. I have to become the harmony, and stay in that space for myself. Others will either join me, or not. And that is not anything that concerns me at this time. While I have been so extremely disappointed that I have been unable to find romantic love as I had pictured it, unable to live the fairy tale romance that I had been taught while growing up and during my entire life by all the songs, movies, etc., I see now that trying to find or observe that in the outside world is part of the false paradigm. I will only see it when I clear my space of everything that is not in harmony with my own high vibration.
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"Don't let the bastards get you down." - Unknown
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"Don't stoop to their level." - Unknown
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"Keep your chin up." - Unknown
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"Hold your head up high." - Unknown
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"Speak softly, and carry a big stick; you will go far." - African proverb

Mothers' Day

Or should it be mother FUCKERS day.


I've said it all before.


Talking about it does not make me feel any better, nor move me in any direction toward solving the problem.


So what is it that DOES make me feel better?


Nothing. I have lost interest in every single effin thing.


Inner child keeps throwing tantrum after tantrum, screaming, " play with me!" all while the other boys just ignore me.


I feel like Cindy Sheehan gone to sit at the Bush ranch to solicit answers, or just to express my grief.


The grief of yet another day, another night of lovelorn misery. Where oh where can my twin flame be hiding?


At this point, he may want to be on guard when he meets me, in case I slap the shit out of him. LOL!



Speaking of mothers, I find myself once again in the position of having my mother dependent upon me. This time is not the result of bad health, thankfully, but rather, bad decisions. I remember my friend Retha from Arkansas, who greatly identified with me because she was the family "blacksheep" also. She observed that it was those of us who were ostracized who were more responsible, more dependable, and always seemed to have money available to us. However, because of our inability to set boundaries, and our compassionate nature, we are usually giving it away to the very family members who ostracize us - or in this case with my family, because of them.


At least I am not having to work two jobs this time around. There is *no* way.


This has the very distinct effect of isolation. Just what I need.


It has become evident, that when I do have a buck or two to spend, and can try to re-join society again, (this process was never really completed the first time I set out to rejoin society in 1999, after my mom had returned to work and when I gave up my second job and moved halfway across the country), my tactic has to change. I am finding that there are no other people playing on my playing field in the social setttings where I have been since 1999. Oh, who am I kidding - I wonder if there ever were any. I have not met any available men, from Dallas, to Houston, to Washington DC, to San Francisco, to Los Angeles, to Long Beach, to all over Southern California. In fact, the more concentrated the gay population, the more out of touch with reality the men are. They have completely forgotton what we have struggled through. They have forgotten their humanity, using each other in the most horrifying ways.


I think I need to go on a cruise, or some other kind of vacation, where I can meet people from outside my immediate culture. I would LOVE to go on a cruise with Esther Hicks. There are other achaeological trips to ancient sites now that the scientists are so interested in ancient technology. I would love to go to a David Wilcock seminar, or a Bashar weekend lecture, or the Tesla Tech conference, or the international pot competition in Amsterdam - Cannabis Cup - or any number of other things that would get me in the company of other people on my wavelength.


I am very concerned with the complete lack of available men (who are relationship oriented, brown, smooth and sexy, and who are monogamy-minded). But I cannot continue to feel worthless because I am alone, or to evaluate each day by whether or not I moved any closer to meeting HIM. I might as well go dig my grave already. I am dropping completely out of being GAY. I have no interest in the whole no-strings-attached, free love thing. Identifying others on my wavelength has proven to be impossible. I just have to figure out how to start chasing dreams of my own and allowing that frequency to attract what I am looking for. The thing that most takes me out of my mental prison is travel. Exploration. Learning. I have some work to do before I am financially and physically capable of such a thing. But it must be done.


Why are they all hung up on hair? I LOVE my skin with no hair. OMG. I do not understand men in the least.


Please send a buyer for my mom's house.
Please.


I have to get out of this box.

Thank you for smoking.

I can't hardly STAND being away from Michael. He is so giving and affectionate and loving - moving away was like unplugging myself from any and all connections to anything resembling Love that I had in my life. Nobody else loves me even though I smoke. He will always love me, even if I was a crackhead.

I don't think I have ever had a New Year's Resolution - until now.

The resolution for 2011 is to Make Every Day Awesome.

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In some way, every day, I want to be able to connect to the feeling that Life is Awesome. Whether this is because I am able to accomplish something every day that I can scratch off my bucket list, or whether it is as simple as having a favorite meal or smoothie or anything else that I enjoy, connecting to that State is now my focus.

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I am very pleased to have arrived at this new heightened State of Awareness, which involved much healing, and now that I have closed several chapters in my life that do not ever have to be reopened again, I am quite looking forward to replacing some of these unseemly memories with an entire bank of New Things Worth Remembering. Enough is enough!

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I have already found in just a few short days that I am beginning to plan these things out in advance, because it feels GOOD to connect with the inner self daily. Now that I have progressed enough to anchor my inner or higher self on a daily basis, it is time to allow life to unfold from that perspective. I am looking forward to seeing how the creation of the future will unfold as I make this effort each day. I hope that I can excite and encourage others to do the same, whether it is this year, or any future year (or at any other point in the space-time continuum, for that matter).

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ALL IS ONE, ONE IS ALL.

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What have you done today to make it an AWESOME day?

Marcus is pure genius.

I told him that Saturday was the 2nd anniversary of that horrific surgery. And that I was expecting guests again, who are coming for the Palm Springs International Film Festival. He observed that I always remember dates when bad things happened, and asked if I remembered anything good to celebrate. I told him that January 18 is the 16th anniversary of my mom's kidney transplant. He was skeptical, but came around when I noted that it is a great date, every one that passes means that I got to keep my little mom another year against all odds. I told him that I would count college graduation but that I did not walk the stage, because I did not want to have to deal with all my silly arguing family and called it off rather than have them ruin the day.

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So, since one of the conditions that I set when I told the universe that I was amenable to moving to the desert if all the cards lined up right, was that I wanted it to be a place where I could interact with others with my most authentic self. And they did line up right, and here I am. Finally, I have my living space back to myself, and all fixed up like I want it, for the most part. I mean, decorating is a never ending job, right? And I am ready, willing, and able to begin to create new traditions and anniversaries to remember. I don't have a whole lot of history in my life to celebrate because something was always wrong, someone was always not happy with the situation, or some bad thing had happened, or someone was wallowing around in drama of their own creation but refused to see. But now, I am a self-sufficient, grown up adult, and don't have to wait around on them anymore. It is time to get busy and try new things and go new places and create happy memories now that I have no boss to answer to making me miserable, no schedule to adhere to, although a more regular schedule is a plan that I have, in order to help me eat better, manager depression better, and feel better overall. But really, as I have grown to love my isolation, I am realizing that I have no more reason not to create the memories and life that I want. I can learn to accept my slower pace, my restricted motion, and my physical discomfort. It's the rest of life that is free from restriction. I have to seize that and run with the ball.

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I don't have to be anxious about being single either, because I know that nothing less than the high vibration guy who I long for would do at all, and that finding him is the proverbial needle in a haystack. I can do nothing but trust and participate in life. There is no other strategy to finding my Twin Flame. Once we spot each other, it will be all over. So, there is nothing to be anxious about.

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First new anniversary date - 11-9-10 - the first day I met Marcus. Although, I love the idea of having an annual New Year's Eve party for those who would like to attend. It was wonderful to have people who I love around to chill out and to celebrate that happy occasion. So, on to the next thing to remember!

A person denied affection cannot thrive.

Tonight, I felt the full force of both hunger for food and the hunger for affection that could only have come from the center of the galactic core. I felt the hunger for affection from my parents, especially my dad, and from every man I have ever loved, denied by all along the way.

New Year indeed.

Was showered with compliments on my living space. It's really no big deal. Once I decided the best layout for the furniture in the main room, the rest came easy. It's about removing clutter and keeping the place clean, which is not so hard since I don't make a big mess anyway.

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Confusion arose when one friend voiced that he would "love to live this life." I know that he was referring to my living space, and maybe the surrounding town, not too sure about what exactly he meant by "this life," since he did not itemize. I agree, having a beautiful and clean home is wonderful - but there is only so much solace that "stuff" can provide. Living in a castle would be nice, too. But the echo of the empty walls and deafening silence would only confirm the emptiness of the place. So yeah, I am trying to wrap my mind around what it is that he meant by saying that he would love to live "this life." What about the parts that are not so nice? Being on a fixed income, having to make choices that limit the amount of medical care and physical therapy I receive because of budgeting? What about the complete and total isolation? I do not have the money to be running around town. I am allotted two tanks of gas per month, and that totals almost $90 bucks as it is. I am trying to DECREASE my spending, not INCREASE it. When I DO go out in public, I am not at all received in the same way that he is. People's pursuit of beauty is discriminating like that. I wonder if he would be willing to trade places, and to come live this life, here in my house, alone, by himself, day after day after day after day after day? Married people have no clue what real life is like. Whatever. I am tired of trying to get my point across to people who refuse to hear.

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I am so surprised to hear gangsta Will from Desert Hot Springs tell me that I am the best friend he ever had. All I did was treat him like a regular person. It saddens me that others do not treat him like a regular person. Is it because of his race? His persona? His habits and mannerisms? Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. I am happy for him and value his friendship.

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I am really surprised that both OC boys miss having me in close proximity so much. I would never have guessed that in a million years. Clearly my influence upon them is good. I will support them however I can, but I cannot make their choices for them, and I cannot be pulled into the drama. If their relationship is not of the spiritual nature that I envision for myself, there is nothing I can do about it. I am so pleased that I had the good sense to remove myself from the situation. There was a time when Michael especially had his emotional hooks into me so heavily that I would have actually contemplated killing myself upon hearing what he had to say to me this weekend. Especially after the months and months and months of his refusal to support me during my severe loneliness, and of witholding even platonic affection, because it was "inappropriate." Really? I am glad I no longer depend upon him for validation, affection, or assistance with the despair that comes with my state of isolation. I would have drowned in my own tears. Amazingly, he perceives my mad love for him as judgment. Jesse is doing SO WELL at turning his ship around. I hope that he is able to get Michael to do the same. I don't think I could bear to lose either of them, and that's what is coming if he does not get his shit straight. At least I was able to offer them a beautiful, relaxing place to be this New Year's Eve. That pleases me. Maybe they will decide to come back soon and relax and enjoy the quiet again.

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Chuck and Anda seemed to enjoy themselves too. They even spoke of making New Year's Eve in the desert a tradition. That would be fun, huh? But then I could never invite Craig to attend. Or Howie and Marlene. Marlene's father died day before yesterday, I hope she is doing OK.

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Note to self: burning almost 100 tea lights with no open windows makes for particulate pollution irritation of the nasal passages. Must keep upstairs windows open for air flow if candles are burning. God! I hate hot pepper sinuses.

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Marcus did not accept my invitation for New Year's Eve. I suppose that is all the proof I need to know that he is not emotionally available for dating, which he has verbalized before, so it is time for me to accept his friendship as it is and move on and stop pursuing his affection. Which leaves me at square one. Still alone.

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So it is a New Year how, exactly? Oh yeah, I don't give a flying shit about whether I am single or not anymore. After all, I have the perfect life in the HGTV desert house. Right? LOL! Ugh.

So Frankie is going to be moving (because I asked him to).

Soon I will have the house to myself again. And gangsta Will is talking about leaving for Los Angeles next week since school is out and since opportunity is a dead-end for him out here. Who could blame him. Which means that my only physical, in-person contact will be Marcus, who comes once per week for 8 hours to help me clean and stuff and to stretch and massage me. But I am not certain how long I can afford to keep that up, although I know that he is also my friend. That dynamic will change when I can no longer afford to pay for his services. (He is talking about renting his house out when the floor is installed, and then moving up here to seek work, and renting my room, but that is potentially a long way off, and cannot be counted on for the purpose of this contemplation). So, no matter how you slice it, I will soon be an empty-nester once again.

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Is this my rock bottom? Has my ability to delay gratification to some future time that will never occur completely run out? If so, what do I need to do in order to prepare myself for coming face-to-face with my greatest fear becoming reality? Or, rather, how can I prepare myself for being able to accept that my greatest fear has actually become my reality? And in so doing, how can I move toward accepting this with grace and ease instead of continuing to deny and resist and reject it, which has not served me?

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How will I attempt to structure my days, my thought patterns, hell, my entire life, so as to no longer spend one more moment thinking about and hoping that I will find a romantic partner who will eventually live with me? Continually comparing my current situation with that idyllic future which will never exist continues to rob me of the present. Continuing to compare that idyllic state with my current reality makes me no longer want to participate in the present, and if that does not change, I will obviously not be here much longer. So, I have to face and accept my fate. I have to accept singledom. I have to learn to love the thing I have most despised and hated. I have to accept myself and my entire life as a complete and utter failure from the standpoint of getting my needs, wants and desires met. And I must learn how to derive value and pleasure from things that currently do not bring me value or pleasure. I suppose you could call this the biggest challenge I have ever faced.

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There was a book written about this subject several years ago, something about "They Moved My Cheese," the general gist of it was about what to do when you get where you thought you were going only to discover that it was not what you expected at all, and the rules of the game had changed, and you basically had to start over from scratch. I guess it is time to read that book to see what insights it has to offer.

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At this point, I would be satisfied with being happy and deriving pleasure from simply getting out of the bed each day, showering and bathing each day, eating 3 meals each day, performing some activity each day (walking for example), and being outside as much as possible especially on warm weather days. Since I have not been able to do any of these things in many months, seeing my activity level rise to that rate and stay there, and being happy while doing it, would be a major switch, and something to work toward for sure.

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Along with this has to come a certain level of satisfaction with being in solitude, and happy with myself and my surroundings at all times, whether or not anyone else is ever present ever again. I do not want to feel held hostage by my solitude any longer. I am not at all sure about how to go about fixing that little issue, since it is so totally tied into my self-worth issues (or rather worthlessness issues), since the solitude only serves to reinforce my feelings of worthlessness and societal rejection. The objective is to be able to see myself as worthy regardless of whether anyone else agrees or disagrees, or whether they behave in ways that make me *feel* that they agree or disagree. I have to separate my sense of worth from all sources other than how I feel about myself. Of course, I have no idea how this is going to work, how to do it, or what it looks like, and professional help will be requested once I get eligible for Medicare and get signed up for Part A, B, D and a Supplement. Then I can run off to the crazy farm if I feel the need.

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For now, I just have to hang on, keep eating, I especially love the Trader Joe's hemp and flax cereal with berry yogurt and blueberries. And for now, that's probably all that I *can* do. Also, continuing to observe my anger, since I am now aware of a very deep and embedded layer of anger that I have about this subject, about how unfair it all is, about society and dating and attraction and human behavior and all of it - I am so incredibly angry at the whole thing. Being aware of it and observing it will allow me to transcend it eventually, I hope, but right now I just have to agree to observe it, to be gentle with myself, and to not try to "fix" it, simply observe. Eventually the idea is to no longer direct that anger toward myself. For now, I just have to recognize that it is there in the first place. And, boy, is it ever.

Possible repost - from 2007 - needed a place to link this to.

The Ring

An attempt to communicate my sadness to my friends who look at me as if I have lost my marbles when I express the most basic human need – to feel loved.

Graduation was coming up, and I had decided to just forego the graduation ceremony and not walk across the stage. The cost of the cap and gown was $75.00, and I did not have that much money. Besides, my parents were feuding, as they had done for many years since before they divorced, and the idea of gathering them and my extended family together on the same day in the same place to give them a stage on which to perform their drama just was not appealing whatsoever. Nah. I sure as hell was not going to borrow the money only to have them spoil the day. So I let them steal the experience from me altogether.

But redemption was at hand. My friend Marc, who had graduated from Texas A&M as a Doctor of Veterinary Science had acquired a beautiful gold class ring, with a star on top and a diamond in the center. I was captivated by it the moment I saw it. It represented his achievement, his station in life, his future. I had to have one exactly like it. After all, he had love, and a great family, and a great girlfriend, and a great car, and a great house with a pool. I miss his mother, Charlotte. She knew how to make you feel as though you were the most special person alive. She died so young.

My family had preached to me since I was a toddler how important it was to get an education. They told me that with an education, I could be whoever I wanted to be, go wherever I wanted to go, and do whatever I wanted to do – things they perceived themselves as unable to accomplish. I now see that this was a symptom of their inability to give themselves and each other unconditional love. As much as they tried to make me feel loved in their dysfunctional way, it was perfectly clear to me that there were strings attached, and for some reason I continued to try to meet their expectations so that maybe, someday, they might love me.

My experiences as a youngster left me feeling empty and unloved at every turn. I was a small, thin, book-wormish, socially inept, homosexual castaway. It was perfectly clear that I was not going to secure a feeling of being loved from the general society around me. For that, I would have to have been a straight, muscle bound, football-playing ladies man. In school, I felt as though I was definitely several tiers below the “upper crust,” and somehow I failed to accept that my instinctive knowledge that my desire to feel loved was not going to be met by that world with all those conditions attached. It was sort of a mirror of my smaller reality, the one with my immediate and extended family. I was awash in a sea of souls who steadfastly refused to provide themselves and each other with unconditional love. And I took the bait, hook, line, and sinker, and continued to try to secure that for myself by striving to meet everyone’s expectations.

So after having completed the college education, naturally I assumed that I was now ready to have unconditional love bestowed upon me. After all, I had fulfilled my end of the bargain. It had been hell. Ten years of working and going to school part-time while battling life-threatening depression. But it was over now. I was ready to claim my love.

I planned the purchase of my ring with great care, and was sure to go to the campus store so that I could see it and touch it and feel it in my hands. I obtained a quote of its price, and then sank away into my dreary world to begin the weeks and months of saving the money to complete the purchase.

No one was more surprised than I to find that on the day I went with the cash in my hand to make the order that the ring was on sale! I saved hundreds of dollars off the original price quoted. My heart was just racing! I could not believe my stroke of luck! So the countdown began to the day it would arrive and I could finally slip it onto my finger, so that everyone could see that I had fulfilled my duty and was ready to accept their love.

The feeling of actually opening the box and putting on the ring can only be described as Cinderella being fitted with the glass slipper. It seems criminal to me now that all the societal institutions around me, my family, my parents, my college, my coworkers, could allow me to expect that my life would change and that I would feel loved with that ring on my finger. But I eventually learned that this, too, was not going to provide the hole in my heart with the filling it needed. But I kept wearing it anyway.

I had friends who were so excited for me and who congratulated me. A couple of them were straight guy friends with whom I was in love. Of course, that love was unrequited because they were not gay. I think my sister dated one of them. Neither of them ever finished school. One had two marriages end in bad cocaine and methamphetamine abuse. One came home from the Navy tattered and scarred, but managed to get married to a girl he met at one of those enormous dance clubs overflowing with 20-somethings, eardrum bursting music, smoke, beer and vomit. I wonder what has become of them.

I began to question the portrayal of societal events, to question whether they were actual celebrations of love or just excuses for everyone to fool themselves into believing they were loved. I saw couples around me who made such big deals out of Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve and birthdays and Thanksgiving and Christmas. But on other days they felt free to fight and argue and spread their bad energy among us onlookers. It never added up. After a while, I stopped counting those special days as they passed year after year after year, and I remained single and alone, feeling unloved and empty. I mean, after a while there is no point in celebrating one’s misery when all attempts to secure the unconditional love associated with those days have failed. So they just became like any other day on the calendar, only to come and go and to be crossed off with a big, black X.

The first place I wore the ring was to this gay dance club in Dallas called The Wave. It had a swimming pool out back. I remember a guy jumped in and swam from one side to the other in his underwear one day, and when he got out and stood up, the other patrons turned toward him and applauded. I am pretty certain it was because of how he looked in his wet underwear. I was soon disappointed to learn that even with my ring, unconditional love escaped me. Funny, in all the years that I went to that club and to others like it, waiting to be noticed by someone who might love me, I never perceived that the other people at the club were finding love either. But they were supposed to be looking there and finding it! Or so everyone said.

Soon after graduation, my mother came home and announced that she had end-stage renal disease and would require a kidney transplant. She had apparently been walking around with this knowledge for months, in complete denial, and had refused to utter the words out loud. Over the next 6 years or so, she went on to lose her job, to get a home dialysis unit, and since I had not found my “career” position yet, I took two jobs in order to keep a roof over our heads. I told her that I would take care of the finances no matter what, and that her only job was to get well. I did, and she did. During the process, however, my friends started falling by the wayside one by one as they felt slighted by my inattention to their daily gay bar dramas since I was busy working and could not go out or spend my time frivolously as they did. I wondered if they had ever truly loved me in the first place, if they were unable to see the enormous burden I was carrying, or to assist me with my needs at that time in my life. Alas, but this fit perfectly into place with all the other puzzle pieces that seemed to paint a picture of be being unable to secure the feeling of being whole and loved no matter what avenue I traveled, so I resigned myself to their departure.

Later, after my mom recovered and had gone back to work, a job in San Francisco landed in my lap. I accepted, even though I had never even been there. I was delusional enough to think that I would find there thousands of other guys, just like me, who desired companionship, a partner, and who would offer unconditional love. Instead, after placing a personal ad describing such a thing, I received hate mail telling me to “go back to whatever Midwestern town I came from, because this was San Francisco and we just have sex here.” After getting over the initial shock that everyone around me had segmented their lives to the point where sexual activity was no longer associated with any sort of honor to the spirit, or with love and devotion, but had been reduced to that of animals on the prowl, I decided that San Francisco was not the place for me, so I headed south.

That was 8 years ago, and since then, the ring was stolen when I left it in the washroom at my office building in downtown Long Beach. I accepted the loss, and was pleased to be rid of the illusion that wearing it might actually enable me to receive unconditional love, because it never did quite live up to its promise, as my family had told me that it would. Eight more birthdays, eight more Valentine’s Days, eight more New Years Eve’s, eight more Christmases, all passing like floats in a parade, portraying fun and happiness and love, somewhere I the distance. Maybe in some far away, future place that the floats are traveling to, as the parade turns the corner.

I do try to remain centered and calm and detached from desire, but sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I am overcome with the feeling of loss, the desire to feel loved, the desire for touch, to be held in warm arms all night, the desire for toe-curling, mind-boggling sexual union that can only be known by two lovers with a conscious intention to merge with the Divine Source. And yes, I have been surrounded by people who loved me unconditionally, as I learned how to create that for myself, since I was not taught that skill by my family, God Love them for trying. But there remains a plateau that I have not yet reached, the place I have envisioned myself ever since I was born, and it beckons me. I know not how to get there. No mountain I climb brings me peace; no mental State cures the pain and emptiness. There are days when I don’t feel I can go on any longer, and then I struggle to shake the frame of mind so that I can begin to live again. I can only describe this feeling of emptiness, in an attempt to purge it from my reality. I feel as though no one understands, but maybe they do, but are afraid to admit it because it is such a deep, dark place. I am not sure. I still somehow believe that the entire reason I was born was to have someone find me and tell me that they Love me, and mean it. Forever. That is my intention, to tell them the same thing. And to mean it. But I am not meeting anybody who thinks this way, who is attractive to me and available to me.

This is the last fairy tale I have to overcome. Prince Charming. He has been written about through the ages. He is Who We Are. If only we would allow ourselves to be.

Halloween Heartbreak, 2000

When I lived in Dallas, There was this new internet chat program that would send an instant message along with a still photograph taken by your webcam. ICU2 it was called. I used to chat with this big muscleman who lived in San Francisco whose name was Eddie. I could never get over the fact that someone built like him would be interested in me. Turns out it was because my cock was about 5 times the size of his - he was a size queen. Made me gain a new perspextive about guys with big muscles.
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Anyway, I arrived in San Francisco on September 14, 2000 and started working this crazy job that just consumed me, and between that and looking for an affordable place to live, my days were filled and I had no time to even think about Eddie, much less use the internet chat program and talk to him. Before I knew it, the time had come for the Halloween in the Castro event, on a Wednesday night, after work. I caught the last streetcar at the corner of New Montgomery and Market near the office and made my way to Castro street. The streets were incredibly filled and crowded, so much so that it was difficult to even walk through the crowd. I was supposed to meet this new friend of mine at a bar on 18th Street, but he never showed up. Just as I was about to leave there and make my way to a party, I heard someone call my name, so I whirled around, and there stood Eddie, with a mask on that had a flowing fabric hanging from it that made him look like a pirate. I could not believe that he recognized me on the street from a tiny one-inch square photograph on the computer. Still don't. He latched onto me and we went everywhere together the entire night, through the crazy drunk revelers. Eventually he dragged me up the hill to his apartment, which had a beautiful view of the Golden Gate bridge from the front room, and a view of the Bay Bridge from the back. I felt like Cinderella at the Ball. Rent control had been enacted in San Francisco many years earlier, but on top of that his rent had not been increased in 12 years. He was paying $3oo bucks for an apartment that would have easily fetched $1800 at the time - more now. While we did not get to have the pornographic gay time that this story demands because of my anxiety about STD's and erectile dysfunction (stress related - and no longer a problem for me thank you Jesus), he was a marvelous host and a great snuggler and I was entranced. The problem was, from my point of view, such a wonderful time had by all indicated that this was going to be a new ongoing friendship or dating situation. From his, I was the Toy de Jour. So after having been unable to find anyone who thought like me or anyone to date after years of being out and proud in Texas, I got to start my dating experience in California by being dumped. Hard and fast. Such began my love/hate affair with gay men on the West Coast.
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It's funny, because the only other time in my entire life up to that point, and there have been none since, that I met someone randomly and ended up in their bed, was also on Halloween. (I am not speaking of internet hookups and "dates" that turned out to be booty-call-then-dumped episodes, but just metting your random person on the street. Apparently some people do this easily all the time or daily. So, you'd think I would have known better, or would have been prepared for this. But our connection was so strong and we had such a wonderful time that I could not believe anyone would just let that go so easily. I still don't get it.
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I plan to dress up and go out both Saturday night and Sunday, and I have no intention of meeting any strangers and taking them home. I have learned not to let my heart get stomped so easily. But I see where my melancholy disposition comes from now about Halloween, which used to be my favorite holiday. It now has a history of being the night of heartbreak.
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Oh, hell, every night now has a history of heartbreak, so BFD. It's just another day.

So hard to let go.

Since our vibration is rising ever faster, things that no longer serve us move out of our influence and sphere more and more. It is so hard to let some things go. It is hard to let fantasies go. They are portals to other dimensions where life is much better than it is here. It hurts like hell to admit that they are not real and that life will never be as we desired. What will take the place of these old habits of thought? We can only imagine and hope for the best. The entire process feels so empty and sad.

I can't even bring myself to write it down.

Instead I'll just watch and wait, and see what happens next.

Who AM I?

What am I DOING here?

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I did not work my way through college, which took ten years, and finance it with loans that took fifteen years to repay, because it was FUN. I did it because I was told that I needed an education in order to be a worthy citizen and proper and desirable mate - I did it to ensure that I would find a partner.

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I did not continue working in a career that I hated for almost 15 years because it was FUN, I did it in order to gain security and to be able to pay my way and to have stability, all things that would be valuable in my search for a partner.

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I did not move to San Francisco because I thought it would be FUN, I moved there because I thought I would finally meet thousands of other boys, just like me, who wanted a partner.

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I retired to Palm Springs because I like the weather here, and because I thought I would meet lots of other friends who also like the weather, and that I might find a partner.

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All of which has been a colossal failure. No partner.

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Who AM I? What would my life be like if I had not been motivated by finding my other half? What will it be like now that I have to accept the fact that I don't have a partner and will likely never have a partner? What is it that I want to do with myself? What pleases me and gives me happiness? I am not sure that I even know the answers. Do I even want to continue to exist in this reality with no partner? I can't find comfort no matter where I look, and always thought that I might find comfort by having a partner to rub and massage my aching body, to hold me in his warm arms, to touch my skin to divert pain signals, to shop and cook and eat good food all the time, things I am unable to do by myself. And of course to have a tantric and sensual sexual relationship.

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I have always thought of myself as half of a couple that has just not found each other yet. Now that I have to face the fact that I am *not* half of a couple, what do I do now? The fantasy of finding love is just that - a fantasy! I have to begin living in the real world and stop deluding myself. But in order to do that, I have to unlearn everything I ever learned about who I thought I was and who I intended to become.

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My God. If being alive and awake is uncomfortable, and if I cannot find comfort no matter where I look, and if I can no longer find comfort in the delusion that I might find my other half someday, what's left?

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What's left.

More Ascension Blues.

I have been releasing some deep toxic slime and cellular level memories and other garbage. Which is a good thing. I have come to understand why I have nothing in common with other gay men and why I do not get along with them and why I cannot find a partner. I embody the Divine Feminine in both my personality and my higher self. I am all about nurturing, togetherness, relationships, and all the other delicious things that the Divine Feminine represents. Gay men, as a whole, have rejected all things feminine. So, they have therefore rejected me. And I them.

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While this is somewhat comforting, to know the actual reason for my status of being a social outcast, it is very troubling on another level. Since I so desired to have a loving partner, a relationship, and since I had so much invested in finding that for myself so that I could have the comforts of sexuality and relationship, I still find myself totally lost since I have no Plan B. Even though I understand on an intellectual level why I am in this situation, and no longer feel as though something is "wrong" with me, it is still very disappointing and saddens me greatly.

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All I can do is continue to hold the energy of the Ascension, continue to honor the Divine Feminine within my own nature, and watch from the sidelines as the world self-destructs as we move into the Age of Aquarius. I finally know that there is nothing on this earth for me. I came here to assist with the transformation of the planet. Yes, I mourn and I yearn for Home. I despise being alone without a partner, but I understand that my role on earth means that I might never find one.

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At least the financial difficulty from the surgery/retirement/move/bankruptcy has settled down now, and the bills are paid and the refrigerator is full. And I got weed. At least I can watch the world self-destruct from the sidelines in relative comfort. I just wish it did not have to be in isolation.

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I'm going to help out my mom for a number of months in order to keep the bank from getting her house and all the cash that was put into it. That is my fucking inheritance we are talking about. After that, I am free to go wherever I want to go, although nowhere in the Unites States appeals to me. I have to find the place, the country, where there is a gay community where relationships are fostered and where there are others who embody the Divine Feminine. I know I am not the only one. And that is the only reason I would move. There is no reason to uproot myself again and go somewhere else and still be in isolation just like I am here. I like the weather here. I want a house with a pool. I can probably get that here next year for cheap. I just did not envision myself living out my retirement years in isolation. What a shock to the system.

Gay Rights.

At first, the filibuster in the Senate today, led by John McCain, just frosted my balls. They are SO FUCKING PISSED that Judge Walker ruled Prop 8 unconstitutional, and now Don't Ask Don't Tell has also been ruled to be the same, that they are going to obstruct all the way to the Supreme Court and beyond. What a colossal waste of time and energy.

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So, what I have realized about gay rights, minority rights, civil rights, etc., is that while most certainly we want to oppose to discrimination of any kind, the idea of getting all bent out of shape is just a complete waste. We have to simply refuse to allow those people into our reality any longer. We have to exclude racists and bigots, and be ready to call them out on their shit and stand our ground rather than just get incensed and drawn into the schoolyard bully fights. There are hungry people on this shit hole of a planet, and all the warring over the diverse nature of sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with why we came to this planet. That is not how we handle things in the higher realms, and as we move forward into ascension and better anchor our higher selves into our bodies, we will simply refuse to participate in that drama any longer. How utterly tiresome. Mother Earth desires that we raise our frequency, but in fact is going to raise hers whether we want to or not. It's time to shit or get off the pot. The ship is sailing. The rapture is here. Only it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the garbage spit out by todays' evangelical Christian Reformation. Oh. Boy. Yeah, basically, religion of the nature we have now on earth just are not going to be a part of the New Earth. All is One, One is All. It is that simple.

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And, generally speaking, we to revisit Herman Melville's and other colonial authors' accounts of the Puritanical moralizing, and its destruction of individuals and communities. It is time to review the Dark Ages, when the world was ruled by Christianity. Do we REALLY want to go back there? OF COURSE NOT. And what better way to avoid it than to simply refuse to allow it to exist. Push it out to the sides of our society, bit by bit, continue to scorn and embarrass those who perpetrate racism and sexism and bigotry of all kinds, until they are squeezed into a corner like the Mormons were squeezed into Utah. Too bad they did not stay there.

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So yeah, I am not going to sweat it anymore. The law is on our side, the Jesus freaks are going to come unglued, but that cannot keep us from claiming our human rights and extending them to all who we encounter. They can kick and scream and obstruct all they want, and they will. By refusing to engage in the dialogue, by refusing to give them any acknowledgement other than to say that they are rude, and if that does not work that they are insane for still living in that paradigm, and to go ahead and claim our full standing as citizens, they will be marginalized quickly. We need a national campaign to join a group whose sole purpose is to say that we identify ourselves as intolerant of discrimination of any kind. With a logo and a bumper sticker. And a t-shirt. And hat. Let's just embarrass them to death.