May 2009 Divine Alignment

Your minds search high and low for the path of liberation. . .
The concise trajectory that you can travel to be truly free in all ways.
The truth is, there is no such path to be found.
You are a hologram of All That Is, everything exists within you.
Your activity of seeking the path of liberation actually limits you in experiencing and knowing what already is.
The more still you can become within your being. . .
The more clearly you will know and experience the most expansive aspects of who you are in truth.
It is there, in that most expanded place of pure essence. . .
Where you and I have no defining boundaries. . . we are One.
Surrender into our essence and consider yourself liberated NOW.

Divine Self via Simeon Chiron Nartoomid
http://www.spiritheart.org/ascension/simeon.htm

What do I do? How can I overcome the depression that I awaken with each day?

How can I change the feeling of being alone, unwanted, and ignored? For I know that these things are not true. And yet I feel them! There they are, every morning when I awaken! I am able to witness the feelings as an impartial observer, and can see them come and go. I understand that the feelings are not who I am. I understand that they are rooted in and connected to my negative assessment of my single status as a reflection of my worth. I also understand that each time I go to bed alone and wake up alone reinforces the assessment.

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So, where does the problem lie? Where is the hole in the endless loop thought pattern? What action can I take to change my outer experience? If I am not able to change my outer experience, how I do disconnect the experience from my assessment of my worth? How do I reconnect with my Joy, or refuse to allow my outer experience to separate me from my Joy?

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I am going to take a nap and meditate on my earliest memories, to try to locate the origin of my distinct feelings of separation, of being different, alone, outcast, rejected, for there must be a key to this puzzle somewhere. Please let there be a key.

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Or maybe I will use rent boy.com to find someone willing to hold me tight at night?

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UPDATE: My naptime review of early memories revealed the following:

I always hated getting a haircut, because I always wanted it to transform me into looking different, but it never did. I can remember one haircut in my entire life that made me feel attractive. My father resented having children. I remember the same feeling of disconnect, of rejection that I have now, all the way back before pre-school, and have never found a way to eridcate it. I always envisioned myself being married (to a man, of course), and I always envisioned that this would eradicate my feeling of worthlessness. Every effort I ever made to get an education and a career, etc. was so that I could be able to find that partner. But, no marriage, no partner, no eradication. I am fucking sick (literally - it is making me physically ill) of going to bed and waking up alone, and am not sure how much longer I can continue.

Eye candy.

OHLALA online mag.

http://josephbleu.blogspot.com/

Did I tell you lately...

...how much I love you? If you are reading this, know that it is true.

The reason I can stand my suffering is because I get to be with you and touch you and hold you.

Your love sustains me, because I feel it in my heart. All of you.

Palm Springs vacation/brain reset button.

The pain doctor agreed that I was getting too depressed, and seconded my motion that I take a week off from physical therapy, to go get some sun and relaxation in the desert. So I went to my favorite resort in Palm Springs, where I have been going for 7 years, the Triangle Inn.

It is a very lush and tropical place, with 9 apartments, a pool and a hot tub.

The apartments are tastefully decorated, but have the original 1950's bathroom and kitchen fixtures.

I have to say that I like it just as much or more than my current apartment.

Can't you just see my multi-colored dining room table in this spot?

I am not sure about the glass dining table, I mean it is a nude resort after all, and wouldn't the visual access to the entire bodies just be a distraction? LOLOL

With a view like this, who needs art on the walls?

Across from my door was this lovely fountain...

...where Senor Frog had taken up residence. He was only 1 inch long, but boy was he loud.

He sang and sang all night every night, but never found a friend. (I know that song well!)

I would fall out of bed in the morning and into a chaise lounge by the pool.

The view of San Jacinto Mountain was spectacular.

On the 4th day the wild roadrunner showed up begging for food.

He nests in the pine tree out front and runs down off the roof onto this I-beam, waiting for meal delivery.

And Steven, one of the owners, complies with stew meat.

I was able to reset the button in my brain somewhat, and have a better outlook than I did before I went. I was very happy that Dale surprised me by showing up for part of the weekend, and I wish that my friends had been able to join me for this most relaxing time in paradise. I missed them dreadfully, and was glad to return home to their open arms. I could tell that they missed me, too!

Steven was telling me that the week before, a masturbation group rented the entire house next door (which is also part of the Triangle Inn resort) and had a week-long gooning party. That sounds like my kind of people, and I hope to make the next event.

I am in favor of open masturbation, which could be viewed as just another fun social activity, instead of hiding in shame, but always wondered where the like-minded peeps were. This viewpoint is considered radical by some. Ask and ye shall receive I guess! It's hot and sexy, it's harmless (from the disease standpoint), and it's fun. Besides, it releases natural endorphins and I need all the help with pain control that I can get.

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

Wishing everyone lots of Love.

I returned from vacation to find more love here than when I left. Can you believe it? I hope that everyone is feeling the same.

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

The Moon is REALLY full.

Beware of energy disturbances, and things that are not as they seem. Beware of entities coming through the veil. Confusion.