Owl gets his ears scratched.

Benjamin came.

So I met this guy (he is 30 so is hardly a kid) who is bartering companionship and cooking and cleaning in exchange for a couch to sleep on. He is a musician in a play that is going to run in Newport Beach, and lives way in the North Valley. I totally get that - the commute would just be too much for any sane person. And so I am looking for stimulation, right? Why not. Seems nice enough. We'll see.

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Today Michael came to check on us, and we were still pretty groggy from staying up too late. I went to bed in my bed and Benjamin went to bed in his bed - the couch - I am not sure what Michael was expecting exactly, but it was nothing at all. I went to physical therapy. When I got home, Michael came to see me and we talked for a little bit and ultimately went to the hot tub. I got in and began to stretch. I closed my eyes. I was grabbing the edge of the tub, looking away from its center, directly opposite Michael. I felt as though I was being scanned from head to toe like a computer or something, and that information was being gathered, like I was acting as a collection station and was now reporting the information I have been collecting about physicality, thereby being relieved of that duty. What a relief! But I hope Michael was not taking on my experience. If so, you must discharge it soon! Not hang onto it! The job is done! Let go! It does no good for you to wallow around in my muck, and if you do, it does not help me transcend the muck myself.

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My heart chakra opened more and more. The water announced its presence and intention to purify me - I love it when that happens. I am not drinking enough water. The water was really hot, so after I stretched, we got out and layed in lounge chairs. We took in the beauty of a magnificent tall tree. I had access to parts of my heart chakra that I do not ordinarily have access to, and this is a pretty regular occurrence when I am in Michael's presence, so it is not new to me, but always blows me away (thank you for this precious gift). I decided I was hungry and we came in and I lied down a minute, thankful for the opportunity to step out of the sheer desperation of my current emotional state, even if only for a little while. I became conscious again of the burning, aching in my center low back. I'll ask Benjamin to caress that area gently, with long strokes, so as to re-route the pain signals - he should be here by 10. That's what he is bartering and that is what I need, right? I can hardly wait. And I am not interested in him sexually, for the record.

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I was going to make a cheeseburger, but I ate strawberry/banana yogurt with cereal and OJ instead, since this was my first meal. I will make cheeseburgers later for me and Benjamin, unless he decides he wants to do it. I mean, I'm worn out. This ascension business is tough work.

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I also came up onto the Wall, literally, in my awareness, of the collective belief system and and the crap that goes with separation in this density, which we must overcome to make the leap of consciousness into the next dimension. It's not going to be easy, but we have to think really, really BIG. We are so stuck down here at the ground level swimming in the muck that we cannot see that we could actually make this leap if we played our cards right. I am so ready.

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LOVE TO ALL, JUDGEMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

No, I am not angry, Michael.

I just want to cry, but for some reason cannot.

And you're damned right I am worthy of being touched like a King upon request.

I grew up gay in suburban North Texas, knowing the entire time since I was 2 that men turned me on, and that I had better keep my mouth shut about it.

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I had a non-affectionate family and extended family, and I never dated girls because I was terrified that they would immediately know and that I would be "outed."

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I lived through more extensive spinal surgery at age 16 than the one I just had.

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I lived through life-threatening depression during my 20's that made working while going to college take 10 1/2 years to complete.

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I lived through working two jobs from November 1993 to September 1999, seven days per week, during the period when my mom had a kidney transplant and then until I moved out of her house after she became self-sufficient again.

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I lived through moving across the country for a job that promised enough to pay the debts incurred during that period, only to find all my income gobbled up by rent in San Francisco.

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I lived through having 11 adresses in 9 years since I got to California, trying to find the right job and right place to live.

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I lived through having my mother almost snatched up from me in an instant in an auto accident, after having devoted my entire young adulthood to her health.

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I lived through several years of debilitating pain until I found a doctor who would listen to me, which resulted in my recent surgery.

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I lived through ALL of it single and alone, and still maintained my most decent, honest, caring, loyal, devoted, and loving character traits during it ALL.

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I deserve to live naked, to be worshipped with hands and tongues, and to be waited on like a King should I so desire. For to love me is to have a loyal, devoted friend who will walk through fire for you for the rest of your life.

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At the very least, I deserve to finally be free to give and to receive affection from those who claim to love me, something I had never experienced before I moved to California and before I finally learned how to love myself. Loving myself means that I understand that Love is what sustains us, and without it, we are nothing. Love takes nothing and no one for granted, and is completely committed to the well-being of all involved. And touch (with or without sexuality) is the most basic, fundamental physical expression of Love. I involuntarily went without it for 40+ years - far longer than anyone I know ever thought about going without touch. I can't and won't do it anymore. I will not rest until I have the basic daily minimum requirement of touch that it takes to sustain life.

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Why do you think you are going to Gay Pride on Sunday? To celebrate the ability to wear pink and twirl flags if you want? No! The celebration is because we are fighting for equal rights to be able to FUCK and TOUCH and LOVE who we please. So don't come in my house and tell me that "people do not touch," and that my need for touch is abnormal. That is a LIE. Try to find no couples walking arm-in-arm, or kissing - try not to touch your spouse and every friend you see - I dare you! You won't be able to because TOUCH is the basic primary drive of creation itself at work.

Yet another touchless, hugless day.

What kind of planet *is* this exactly? Torture central?

UPDATE: After Michael came upstairs telling me that he does not understand my need for touch (which I find incredibly ironic coming from a person who has all the touch he could ever need, and he even tried to bring the others in on it and say that I am freaking them out, which I find amazing coming from two couples that go home to bed with each other every night, for several years even), he gave me a hug in exchange for a cigarette. And Jesse came to get him and gave me a hug goodnight. And I recall grabbing Anda's elbows and giving her a small peck when I went downstairs. So I can't write the entire day totally off; only 98.86%.

46 years of singledom.

Jesse won't let me count the first 20. With those thrown out, we are left with 9,490 days and nights (minus the 10 or 15 times Dale has stayed overnight and minus the other 45-60 days I have seen him since September) when I have been denied the simple healing pleasure of touch, the magic of sexuality, the feeling of wholeness that comes from being held and caressed. (I have not forgotten the closeness expressed by my dear loves Jesse and Michael during the past 2 years). My entire existence and memory bank is plagued with the emotions that accompany my failure to secure the pleasure of touch for myself. I am told that I have to continue to stuff these emotions, but am offered no method for replacing them. Jesse suggested to rely on my tribe and other online friends, but last I checked, they are not able to touch or hold me.

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If I am unable to secure healing touch from my loved ones, whether it is because they are unavailable logistically due to travel for work (in the case of Dale), or whether it is because simply lying on the couch and being held (without sexual activity as part of the equation) is considered inappropriate by my friends who are straight, or partnered, this leaves me with one option - casual sex with perfect strangers. Even if I had the time, money, and energy to invest in bar-hopping and bath house visitations, is it possible to find touch of the quality that might heal my emotions in these scenarios? My experiences from age 20 to 40 say no, it is not.

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It looks like the forseeable future holds no solution to this problem, and no overnight pleasures of snuggling. But does that have to mean I settle for nothing at all? What I would give for just 10 minutes per day of lying in the arms of someone who loved and valued me. Hell, every OTHER day. That might at least begin to give me new emotions to replace those that line the hallways of the last 26 (46 altogether) years of my memory banks. But, this seems to be out of reach as well, and considered "needy." Wouldn't you have 10 minutes to hug and hold someone that you love, if you thought that it might make enough of a difference to them to be able to change from feeling worthless, rejected, and alone, to feeling more whole?

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As always, Computer says, "No."

What can I DO to fix this hole in my heart?

I am surrounded by Love. I know this. I am seeing a wonderful guy who is an angel. I have the best friends you could ask for living right nearby. I have an extended network of people Statewide who are on my side. How can I shift so that these positive things begin to overshadow the depression? How can I finally release my ego desire to control the outcome of companionship and the expression of Love? How can I begin to live the romance that I have surrounding me? What's in the way? Pain? The stress of too much change, too soon, too fast? I am supposed to be in charge of this bus. Right? Can I forgive myself?

Would you be willing to open your heart to me? Completely? And allow me to do the same? It's the only way to heal and live fully freely. And if I can't have a romance with you, will you act and allow me to act romantically anyway? Do you have the guts to believe that my intentions might actually be pure? Boy, girl, young, old, we could all use a little more romance, in my estimation.