Pulsating energy.

Today I became aware of the nature of the pulse of energy as it makes its way down from our sun onto our earth plane, and then into all of the matter on earth, including sentient beings. I perceived the heart to be metaphorically represented by cities across earth, which upon awakening with the sun, pulse with a force that sends the energy rippling through the city streets, followed by the contraction of all beings home again at night - a cycle that matches the heartbeat in the plane just below. Now, if we understand that in each facet of the whole, the whole is represented in its entirety, we begin to identify other mechanisms in the cosmos that mirror their purpose in other planes. For example, each cell of our bodies contain digestive, sensory, excretory, systems and the like to match the systems of our bodies. The cell nucleus is the reproductive system, the mitochondria the stomach, the membrane is the cell's brain or information processing center. So, if a city represents a heartbeat, then what do all the creatures who awaken to find food and then sleep again represent? If the heartbeat of a city is transforming the energy of the sun into motion and emotion on earth, how does a human being fit into this picture? I am going to attempt more connections with my higher self in order that I might gain more insight into this question. Mind you, I have always been completely repulsed by the duality in this dimension, and the whole sleep/wake/eat thing has always not been of interest to me whatsoever, because I somehow also reside in a place where none of that is necessary. Whether that is my higher self or previous life or whatever you want to call it, I fully understand that this is going on as an observer observing both beings from another point of view. It is one of the hallmarks of my existence on this planet from my earliest memories - that the whole of it is shocking, unnecessary, and tiresome from a higher perspective. So I am anxious to fully understand my role in all of this earth plane stuff. I am leaning toward the theory that the human's job is to transform the high frequency of joy from the higher realms and anchor it securely on the planet, which has thus far eluded us, but will rapidly come about. This process is referred to as the Great Shift of the Ages, the Age of Aquarius, etc., so I am anxious to fully understand my role so that I can get on with the business of doing what it is that I came here to do.

Orgasm can be such a life-saver.

Over 20 days of disconnection. (There has got to be a better way to live than this!) But I think I get the picture, finally, about why I have been so distressed. I hope that I will be better able to navigate my way now. I am not saying that it will be easy. And, perfect timing to have this insight right before going to visit the family at home, too. Wonder how it will impact me there.

I lived to be 46.

I never thought it possible.

Many thanks to Jesse and Michael for the evening at my favorite restaurant (Japanese teppanyaki), to Chuck and Anda for preparing the Vietnamese dish Pho, to Benjamin for whipping up a gourmet dinner for 5 on Monday, to Dale for snuggling way close for a day and a half, which helped me uncover the unconscious fear that I do not feel safe in my own body (a chronic pain reaction). Thanks to Michael for the car wash, and the special interest in my well-being. All of you made my birthday pleasant, and all of you continue to make my life bearable when it would otherwise not be. Since I am able to say that I have you near, I am able to say that I have everything that I could possibly need.

Thanks to Matt for chiming in that when he feels helpless to help his boyfriend, all he does is hold him. Sometimes that is the only medicine that is effective.

I'm not a big cake eater, but maybe I should proceed with baking a cake just so that I can have the ritual of blowing out the candles. That might make me feel a bit more connected to the whole situation, instead of feeling that it is somehow incomplete or that I skipped part of it, and then I might be able to finalize it and move on to more healing. I mean everybody wants to blow out the candles, right? I think that is a fine project for this week. I wonder if it will make me feel any better or different.

I am sorry for any transgressions and beg forgiveness. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or to have anyone feeling badly on my account. It's not worth it. It's always best to forgive.

UPDATE: In his typical sweet, thoughtful, generous fashion, Michael brought up a plate of 46 candles and sang Happy Birthday and let me blow out the candles, after I blogged about whether there were any keys to be found to regaining my happiness through tradition and ritual. His desire to "fix" my depression is strong, and his devotion to my friendship touches my heart deeply. I should be crying like a baby with happiness and joy, but cannot access the joy. He is a wonderful friend.

All roads lead to...

Everything I read from astrologers, and from Mayan Astrology, all have the same theme running through the messages. This is an incredibly bumpy time for me, stripping me of everything, so as to give me everything. I guess all I can do is just hold on.

Mayan Astrology for 2009 - speaks to me directly.

In the shadow of Blue Storm, you may even experience feelings of despair and the desire to give up. Be encouraged. You are on the frontier of the unknown! You are in the process of transformation, discovering yourself as new sacred ground. Your feelings are magnified so that you will address them and use this energy to create the ecstasy of freedom. Break through your barriers to union! The totality of this transformation challenges everything in your reality. Surrender all that perpetuates the illusion of separation. Cast these things into the fires of Blue Storm, and your true essence will rise from the ashes transformed.

My Prayer.

Please let me feel enjoyment again.

Please rid me of the feeling of isolation.

Please send someone to hold me tight, morning, afternoon, evening or night.

Benjamin fails.

Benjamin was a good sport and rubbed my back for a little while yesterday, and did not relieve any pain, but had a very long day and wanted to sleep, as he did tonight. He volunteers to make a fancy dinner for everyone, if we can all get together at the same time.