The destruction of the Fifth Night.

Well I thought I was doing pretty well in this, the final cycle of the Mayan Calendar, which ends on October 28th of this year. I thought I had seen all of the change and destruction that was going to happen in my personal life before this year began, but clearly I cannot escape the forces of nature any more than anyone else. We are collectively undergoing this radical transformation, of everything, every single teeny weeny little thing.

I guess the boys think that I had back surgery and that everything is AOK and fixed now. But that's not quite how it works. I know that I camouflaged my scoliosis disability pretty well, for many, many years, and generally speaking, nobody knew that I had a 13-level spinal fusion when I was 16 - my appearance did not reveal anything that would make anyone come to that conclusion unless you knew me or unless I told you. There were general tell-tale signs, like the muscle atrophy in my torso, arms, and legs, which was the result of being unable to move my torso for 30 years, and being unable to use any substantial weight to exercise with, during the years that I was able to exercise. But, generally speaking, I was independent and did not think of myself as "disabled," and certainly no one else did either. The fact is that I was disabled, beginning at age 14. I just had medical treatment that sort of hid the issue from sight. But, problems eventually surfaced, and a revision surgery was needed. The end results were (1) even more limited mobility than before, and (2) constant agonizing pain and discomfort. Even I have been surprised by the severity of my limitations, and have, until now, fought it tooth and nail. But I see now that I am going to have to accept my new lower level of functioning. The most difficult part is that most of the world operates from a higher level of functioning, and I suppose that all who do are guilty of assuming that everyone is able to do the same. I mean, I can't say that I want anyone's sympathy, or pity, but it would be nice if it were recognized what a hard time I have just doing the most basic things. That might make communication a little easier.

There has been constant tension between Jesse and Michael and myself since, since I don't know when. My sense of time is distorted anyway. I think I have explained to them that basically I had no friends in the area before we met, I had not met any new friends between then and the time I had surgery, and that they are pretty much my lifeline to the outside world. While considering the assertion that I was being too "needy," and/or having unrealistic expectations, I had long ago voiced how isolated I felt, and suggested that perhaps we should make it a point to talk once per week or once every other week on the telephone. That suggestion came and went and never materialized, but I just let it be. I have attempted to stifle my urges to reach out, so as to not seem "needy," God how I hate that term, it has such a negative connotation.

Over that past number of weeks, different episodes have left me feeling totally ignored, and I have voiced this, and been met with skepticism. I am not unwilling to entertain the idea that my feelings are skewed, because of all the time I spend entirely alone (in part due to the fact that I feel like hammered shit most of the time, and in part because I have made a commitment to help my mom keep her house out of the hands of the bank, at least until we can get a loan modification processed - and that means being strapped for cash - add all these things up and I don't get out much).

So, these tensions culminated this past weekend when the boys were here visiting Jason, and posting lots of photos and check-ins and things on facebook. Jesse sent a text message to me on Saturday with an invitation to come to dinner at Jason's, but my telephone service has been acting up and I did not receive any text messages for a few days last week and all weekend, until I called the telephone company today and got that straightened out. So, given that I was already feeling ignored, and given that they were having so much fun without me, and given that I do not want to be a burden or to be seen as "needy," I decided that it would be easier for my mental health if I did not see all these posts because it just makes me feel more ignored than I already was. So, I "unfriended" them on facebook. That way, if they wanted to come visit me, they would notify me and do so, and we would carry on as usual, and, if they were coming here to not visit me, that would be fine also, but at least I would not have to torture myself about whether I was being ignored and such. Well, that did not go over very well. I suppose nowadays people assume that if you click the unfriend button that you don't want to be friends in real life anymore.

The strange thing is that when I voice these feelings, I get met with total resistance, as though I have no right or reason to have any feelings, much less that they be feelings of loneliness. Now that that the phone was repaired, I see that Jesse did send text messages to me on Saturday, but of course they did not arrive until after I spoke with the telephone technician today. But I am so curious about that - if I had a friend who lived in another city was was physically challenged and who had voiced feelings of loneliness in the very recent past, would I not pick up the telephone and call after receiving no response to my messages, in order to make sure that everything was OK, or to make sure that the messages were received? To make sure that the person was coming, or, if he was unable to come, that there wasn't anything he needed or needed help doing? That does not seem to be anything that would be a stretch, or out of the ordinary, or burdensome at all. Technology fails. It's a fact. Wouldn't you just pick up the phone and call in a case like that?

So, I am altogether totally at a complete loss now. I am a disabled person, who lives alone, far away from everyone that I know. I am going to continue to have challenges with basic functioning, and certainly will continue to have challenges with my mental health concerning my new lower level of functioning, my inability to socialize, my isolation, etc. It does not seem like rocket science to me that it would be expected that I might need someone to call periodically to check in with me to see how I am feeling, or to make sure that I have not totally lost my marbles and need to be hospitalized or something, or to make a little extra effort to make me feel welcomed and wanted. I have been trying to stifle my neediness, and instead of helping the situation, that strategy is backfiring. All I want is to have my happy friendships back, for them to be happy to see me and to want to interact with me, as they are able, when they are able. I don't necessarily want to monopolize their time, I don't want them to feel that they have to come here every week or every month or every two months for that matter. I know that this is one of their favorite places, because we used to come here together constantly. But I sure don't want to feel ignored, either. Two weekends ago, we went out to Arenas street to meet up with Jason, and I was then ignored from the moment we arrived. They watched porn, they talked among themselves, they talked with the other patrons, and I was ignored. Jason never did finish his sentence to give me his telephone number, so I guess I am going to go knock on his door and get it from him. And this past weekend, Jesse sent me text messages and assumed that I got them, I guess, or maybe he forgot all about me. I cannot imagine that he would think that I got them and would have no response at all, when there are no other people on the planet I would rather be with than he and Michael.

And then there is the accusation of being envious. Well, let's see. If your best friends, with whom you used to spend every spare moment with, suddenly were unable to spend all those moments with you for whatever reason, and were spending them with someone else instead, who WOULDN'T be envious? That seems to me to just be a completely normal reaction.

So, there you have it. Mixed-signals, assumptions, varying priorities, electronic gadget failure, worsened by feelings of loneliness, probably caused by depression, and you get this disaster. All
I want is to be free from mental torture and to have my friends back. But as long as they view me as a fully functioning person who is just being "needy," I wonder if we will be able to make that work. Well, here's hoping.