Abraham-Hicks strikes another beauty.

The most important thing is to realize that it is more important to pay attention to how you feel than to what is unfolding, and that how you feel does not depend upon what is unfolding. You are in charge of choosing how you feel. Always reach for something that feels a little bit better than where you are. If you can't find your bliss, find something happy. If you can't find something happy, find your frustration. If you can't find your frustration, reach to find your anger. If you can't find your anger, reach for your despair - but in always reaching for a thought that makes you feel a little better than you feel now is the key to understanding that you are in charge of how you feel at all times, and that nothing is more important than feeling good at all times. When you feel good, you are closer to alignment with who you really are.

Recurring dream.

Awakened by a recurring dream. This seems to be a variation of a recurring dream that I had for 10 years, which spontaneously resolved. In that dream, I was graduating college, but discovered that I was missing a credit from high school. I was going to be forced to return to high school in my late 20's to obtain this credit.

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In the new dream, the circumstances change in that the location is not constant, and different people show up. But basically I am in school, approaching the end of a semester, I have not attended a required pass/fail class at all and am trying to figure out how to con my way into passing that one, I have not attended an English literature class and/or done the required reading, so there is no way I am going to pass the final, and I am basically clueless about how to proceed. There is anxiety, shame, a sense of failure, and an inability to reconcile why these required courses are impeding my progress. I am stuck in a time warp with no escape. Since I cannot pass these tests or obtain these credits, I am forever stuck.

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Last night's version had John Silver as the landlord showing up to check on me in my shack in the country in the Texas woods. The screen door had one of those old-timey latches where it looked like a bent nail hooked into an eyelet that was screwed into the door frame, and of course, you can just yank those right out. I was trying to fasten it for protection from something, but that was futile of course. An old coworker showed up, who has not lived in Texas for at least 10 years, like me, and I asked her what she was doing there, and she said she would explain if I had about 30 minutes to talk about it. I was trying to hide from people showing up.

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So this new dream is an unconscious visitation of repressed emotions of being inadequate, no-good, etc. There is a strong feeling of wanting to be left alone. I remember in this dream trying to get away from the telephone, but I had to remove an earpiece in order to shut it off.

Anxiously awaiting Spring.

Twice, I have been sitting on my patio and surprised by the fast approach of a hummingbird who stops mid-air and hovers, looking at me. While looking at posts from the Summer Solstice today to try to determine if I am on track concerning my intentions at that time, I saw a photograph I had taken of a hummingbord at a resort I had visited with Dale. The bird was eating nectar from the flower of an aloe vera plant. Well, right behind where I sit is a aloe vera patch, and two of them are growing stalks of flowers which are not yet open. The bird is coming to check the progress of the flowering of the aloe vera. I planted two bouganvilleas, so I should have hummingbirds galore during the warm months of the year. If my plan to plant vegetables and flowers comes to fruition, I will also have bees. Birds and bees. Hmm.

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I want to go to Lowe's or Home Depot Saturday to get birds of paradise, other flowering plants (I am still partial to roses, but we'll see), garden vegetable and herb seeds, planter pots and mulch to sprout the seeds, and whatever else catches my fancy. I also need a way to grow radish sprouts hydroponically, with no dirt, so that I can put them on my salad - they are the BEST THING EVER. I am looking for a plant to put inside downstairs as well, a big towering plant, like a schefflera. Gardening is expensive though! And I can only crouch for a very short period of time, so I get about 15-20 minutes of work time per day, if that. It is all very exciting. I have not lived in a place with dirt where I could plant plants or with enough sunshine to grown them inside since 1999. Way too long.

I could not make this shit up.

Something reminded me about my unrequited love for the boys, and for my Twin Flame in general, so I began a visualization exercise to clear any solar plexus cords between us, which are fear-based and energy draining. Then, I replaced that energy with an outpouring of radiant heart-based fifth chakra unconditional love and total acceptance. This is visualized with the pink and green rays going from heart chakra to heart chakra. In addition, I placed an egg-shaped cocoon of the White Light of the Creator around us all individually. Michael's egg of light began to be energized and to flash or pulse, and about that time he sent me a message with a question about a medical supply for his mom.

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It is when we are able to accept All That Is, including All That Isn't - any puzzle pieces that we feel are missing, any deficiency that we feel is present, it is shen we are able to trust that all is perfect as it is, and that all will reveal itself in due time, and it is when we are able to Love ourselves and our circumstances and express gratitude for same, THEN we are placed into the mindset which allows the unfolding of the miracles we seek.

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LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

Bitchslap!

Yikes. Finding something on the PC reminded me suddenly that I am supposed to be locating a good counselor here. Gay men's issues for sure. And pain doc. And shrink. And GP. Well OK then.

Lazy days and lazier nights.

Such pain today that I was barely able to feed myself before collapsing into bed at 8:15. I had been to Rite Aid to refill my pain patches, and Walgreen's to get odds and ends not found at Rite Aid. I was awakened by a crazy dream about anger with my family, in which I was going through the house destroying it while everyone sat and watched me. They had destroyed something of mine that was valuable and on which I was counting to sell. So I bolted wide awake and reached for the telephone, which said 11:11. I was like, "you have got to be kidding me." Made oatmeal with apples and cinnamon. Opened an email about coconut oil with a 100% money-back guarantee if you are not satisfied. Sent it to Jesse.

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I am so curious about the anger - I am not angry with my mother, and there I was in my dream reacting to something she had done with extreme anger, then bolting out of bed. Two more days till the anniversary of my dad leaving, the day after Christmas, 32 years ago. Good times! I am so glad I no longer carry the emotions from that event, and no longer dread and hate Christmas as a result. I am not a big participant in all the December traditions (like Christmas trees, lights, gift exchange, etc.), but at least they no longer cause me emotional distress. Maybe next year I will go all out and decorate...maybe not. LOL!

Awakened by a fit of pain.

And a big green ball of snot. Woke up in a fit of back pain and being unable to breathe. Turned off the humidifier. Went to the bathroom and mixed up warm salt water to blast out my nose. God. When awakening like that, which is usual lately, the cold weather makes it worse, I am acutely aware of returning to my body from somewhere else. Very strange. An apple sounded good. Must be helpful for the body so it can deal with clearing snot. God. Wasn't very filling, though.

Solstice, Mars retrograde, yadda yadda.

Wow the energy sure is thick right now. Apparently this feeling of being stuck is going to last a while, so don't let it freak you out - it is beyond your control. It will unstick itself in due time, and then we will wish it hadn't LOL.

Must write about chakra pole shifts

abandonment issues, father rejection energy, security

after dinner maybe

This move has made me gain some clarity.

So, now that I know that toxins are seeping into my system because of bad excretion, I get to deal with that more proactively. I also get to employ some new detox methods, some old, but all neglected. And I get to rethink the toxin problem altogether.

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So I want to stop smoking, but in order to do that, I will have to process my core fear or core emotion, which is the reason tha tI smoke in the first place. I think I have identifie the core wound as father abandonment issues, from the time of my parents' divorce, because they had agreed to try it one more time in a new city (Oklahoma) "for the kids." So, when we got to West Texas two years later, and pops had got himself a girlfriend and then split, it was like the ultimte slap in the face - not even us children were good enough reason to make him want to stick around. Harsh, isn't it? So, now I have to experience this and process it instead of hiding from it every day, over and over again every day. But that can only be a good thing, right?

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I might be joining Jesse on a new course of laying down addiction come January 2nd. So, between now and then I have to rat out and kill the abandonment monster. 32 years exactly from the time the monster was created (Christmas time). So, what better or more perfect timing to extract it than Christmas time as well. Synchronicities abound again!

Today's horoscope.

"How great it is to be at home! Today, you want to enjoy the comfort and gentleness of your home where you feel good and in security. There, you can dream at leisure of the improvements you want to bring to your cosy little nest for the sake of your family's well being, unless you prefer to dive in the nostalgia of your souvenirs and your photo albums... If you are in a more active mood, you may want to clean up the house from floor to ceiling or you may try to implement your lovely arrangement and decoration ideas... In short, the atmosphere is nice and, if your close friends share your activities, you experience a deep feeling of inner peace.
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Venus travelling at the bottom of your chart improves your life setting. You are sensitive to the comfort of you home and more particularly, to the harmony that must reign there. You make yourself comfortable and you seek a special way of life that is harmonious in every respect. This is a healthy attitude that very pleasantly opens an auspicious period. Your abilities to listen and conciliate can be used to the fullest: gentleness, sense of subtleties, receptivity and sociability are on the agenda. Therefore, you are able to earn your entourage's confidence and esteem."
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Very unusually right on.

Wow. Well, since pain escalates when I am irregular...

...because the toxins are released into my bloodstream if I do not eliminate properly, I am going to have to do a cleanse daily. I can't tell you how much better I feel since I dumped the toxins and rested and hydrated and ate a good meal. And think more clearly. And lower anxiety. Incredible.

Enema Humor.

A day in the disabled (differently abled?) life of David.

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So I'm in the shower stall on my hands and knees with the spigot up my hole, determined to get moisture into every single crevasse in my colon, which does not function in any way, shape or form due to the combination of my crushed nerves and the narcotic medications.

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This gave me a microbes' eye view of the underside of the shower door, which had obviously never been scrubbed or cleaned or kept dry before. OK, fine, nothing a little bleach won't cure.

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So off I trek to get the necessary spray bottle and bleach container and toothbrush to scrub tiny places when the telephone rings. Getting a phone on both floors was the single most smart thing I planned ahead for. Note to self - Good Work!

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So this meant I just had to go ahead and spray the grout from waist-level down inside the shower stall, which was turning a little grey. So I did. Which meant I had to go to the other bathroom to rinse off any bleach that was on my skin, because it is very irritating. Which meant that I had to have a broad daylight encounter with the wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling mirrored doors in the guest room.

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Not pretty.

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The years of stress and pain and impaired activity level are taking their toll on me. And I realize that I am at a new level of total exhaustion than ever before.

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But I am thankful that I am using the progressing time to learn about and understand energy and frequency and how easily we can impact others who are in our orbit. And, I am glad that I was here to witness the transformation from the post-WW2 suburban era to the modern, technological, information, connection age. Isn't it an incredible time to be alive!

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And remember,

"Love to All, Judgment for None, for We are One." -- me.

I hope that everyone has the opportunity to visually "get" that in their mind's eye, because once you have seen it, your life is never the same.

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I INTEND, TO ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM, IN EACH MOMENT!

One. Word. Shortest. Blog. Ever. O.M.G.

Enema.

What is WRONG with me?

So tired of having muscle pain all over. So tired of feeling tired. So tired of feeling like I've been hit with a baseball bat from head to toe when I awaken. On-line questionnaires say I have fybromyalgia. They treat that with Lyrica. More work to be done with my pain doc, or maybe there is a good doc here in Palm Springs.

December is, astrologically speaking, a minefield.

Hang on to your hats until January 15th, and then we are going to see major stuff during the second week of March as well.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

"12:21-Out With the Old, In With the New"

"It was nearly 3 am on the night of the new moon when this post started to form in my head...I remember it so distinctly:

I awoke in the usual new moon way...completely drenched in a pool of my own sweat, but way too cold to get out of bed. And tho I did eventually get up for a complete wardrobe change, that was not my main motivation. What was even more pressing was the pounding pain in my sinuses and the awareness that someone had clearly braced my head in a vise and was slowly trying to remove my eyes with a spoon.

Holy hell, I had no idea it was possible to "feel" my pituitary gland.

It was in this moment...between the gripping pressure in my head and getting up to write this... that I laid in my sweat soaked sheets trying in vain to again discern the actual moment that I consciously agreed to be tortured like this.

It was also during this time that I realized what suckers we all are... and how each of those poetic feel-good transmissions from the unseens are actually just bait luring us straight into damnation. I mean I apologize if my tone turns to disgust, but how else could we consent to feeling this way other than by being completely duped?

I will tell you how...because deep down inside each of us is a an endless well of naivete disguised as "hopeful" that each galactic and astrological cocktail that the cosmos serves up may actually go by relatively unnoticed. I know there is definitely that small part of you that always thinks "this time will be different" as we guilelessly anticipate birthing each new level of consciousness with ease.

And we definitely have the proof that birth ain't easy...yet, we somehow forget each time some intergalactic neighbor pops in to share the upside of hell. Yes, the channeled messages make it all seem so magical...like these portals will gently open and we will suddenly feel unobstructed and free to build our sand castles in fairy dust and dance on the moon.

Well, if your anything like me...overly hopeful...let me enlighten you to what that magic always boils down to: portals suck

And the worst part is that while we are seemingly and repeatedly tenderized by the universe, these portals (as painful as they can be) really ARE magical in nature and delivering us to "all good things"... which, after releasing my deep cynicism through writing this, got me to thinking about the celestial insanity of what this month is actually providing us.

Celestial Insanity

To give you some perspective about why you might not be able to get out of bed this entire month, here are some of the main ingredients to that poisonous punch (pun intended) we have all been served:

December 2nd - Gemini full moon
December 12th - 12:12 (33) gateway
December 16th - Sagittarius new moon
December 21st - 12:21 (33) gateway/solstice
December 26th - Mercury retrograde in Capricorn (FYI: Mercury generally goes Retrograde 3 times a year. Periodically, like this relentless year, a 4th one will occur at the year-end.)
December 31st - Second (blue) full moon/lunar eclipse

And the fun doesn't stop there! ...on January 15, 2010 we also have a solar eclipse on the same day that Mercury goes direct...which will probably and finally allow us to fully exhale after the holidays and 3 weeks of re-re-reviewing our divine blueprints in preparation for putting them into action.

What's this all mean?

In short...we are being given a flurry of universal support to get it "right" this month...to choose love over fear in every thought/action/situation that has presented us with the illusion of darkness in the past, and to rise above all mental and emotional adversity with the truth that we are free and sovereign beings who now create our non-karmic realities through LOVE.

In other words, the energetic events taking place throughout this month are grand opportunities for the complete mastery of self-love, choosing love in all forms. It is a full month of opening to the flow of Christed consciousness and the revelation that each of us are fully connected to the realm of all good things.

As we venture through these gateways, portals and astrological events, we will at some point become aware of a sense of love permeating our very being, a sense of increased vibration that is leading us to the direct understanding and perception of Oneness.

As the 12:21 stargate opens and fully floods the planet and her people with this reinforcing vibration of love, all that is not love will again come forth to be seen and healed... and in this very moment of healing, a divine unification will occur between all things.

It's important to realize that the 12:12 (33) gateways are not portal events that have an ending, in fact this is only the very beginning of love... and a space in each of our hearts is again opening to maintain the full vibration of that love.

Apparently as the second 33, or 12:21 (solstice) portal draws nigh there will be another opening that will push any remaining fear to the surface of our lives to again be recognized and released.

"This opportunity is of great magnitude for it offers each of you a final chance to free yourself of dross before the lunar eclipse seals your intentions on the 31st and the solar eclipse activates them on January 15th. It is a signal for each of you to rise up and claim your Godliness, your right of passage into the year of the 3 vibration." -Pleiadians

What's to come?

All of these goodies just in time for the new Gregorian calendar year and (according to numerology) the switch from a 2/11 (2+0+0+9) vibration to a 3 (2+0+1+0) vibration which thankfully corresponds to creativity, playfulness, outward self-expression and just plain happiness.

By putting our spiritual efforts into action the rest of this month, we will be affording ourselves the opportunity to express the highest version of our new selves. We will be settling completely into our new grooves, fully entering and exploring the landscape of our new lives and entertaining some unexpected new connections, opportunities, experiences, & ideas thru a whole new realm of information to explore.

We have come full circle on our climb thru the upward spiral of consciousness.

Because 2010 is universally a THREE year, it will greatly assist us to renew our optimism and enthusiasm after the 9 year cycle of transitioning out of the old and into the new. I am hearing that this new year will be filled with more excitement and much more certainty as we become very clear about our life purpose and how our singular missions play an integral part of the whole divine plan. In the new year we will be transitioning out of the time of waiting into the full expression of our many creative opportunities that will abound as our soul brothers and sisters come together in harmony and love to create the foundation of a new earth society.


The Merging

As these planetary events open the once closed spaces in our hearts, so too will we begin to open to once closed opportunities. We will have the ability to transcend the workings of the linear mind in all that we do and over a period of time we will come to know this way of thinking as predominant.

The sacred energy of the recent new moon precipitated another physical switch in the left hemisphere as dominant, to the right, as our brains rewire to work in tandem as a unified whole. The human brain will function much like society once the new earth has been established and the frequency of the collective, through each and every form, has risen to a place of love.

As such, the coming solstice portal is an awakening for all of humanity (the macro), a time of seeding the galactic way of living on earth and opening to greater levels of love. What we have known up to now has only been a fraction of our human potential because we have only known a fraction of love.

The final days of this month are pushing us beyond the confines of what was and allowing us to freely choose what can be.

"In the light of a new dawn, all those who came to represent the new earth culture will be set free to experience truth, sacredness and love in all of life. The ways of the warrior will become the ways of the dove, gentle and loving, peaceful and free.


These new traits of human consciousness are to be fulfilled by the way-showers and new leaders and will be harnessed by the people of earth thru the great examples of what can be.

The next few weeks will be filled with potent energies and opportunities to rise up and be counted. Stay firmly connected to your new creations during this time for the light is increasing exponentially and all intentions will be magnified greatly.


In this, we remind each of you to honor your truth and stand in your full integrity as self-empowered beings of co-creation, for this is what will be birthed through the next moon.


Beloved warriors, your visions are about to become a reality. All wayward elements come to a close this month and all aspects of divinity come together to form the complete and multidimensional you. Behold the new day!" -Pleiadians

Physical Happenings

As with all major transitions, our bodies really seem to take the brunt of these changes and the last few weeks were no exception. Some of the more noticeable symptoms this time around were/are: vertigo/dizziness/loss of balance,ringing in ears, headaches/sinus pressure/sore & aching neck, blurred vision, sleepiness, extreme bloating, intermittent deep sleeps/insomnia, night sweats, intermittent (extreme) hunger/loss of appetite, skin itching/rashes, back pain/soreness (especially behind the heart and lower back), sore feet, aching legs, lower abdominal discomfort, and the always present FATIGUE.

Emotionally you may be feeling irritable, tired of your old "story", disconnected from your joy/passion/creativity/guidance, doubting or reevaluating your life purpose or the fruits of your labors, lacking self confidence, desiring a course correction, needing down time/isolation, ect. This disconnect phase is just a rewiring to a higher level of connectivity and when completed, new insights, ideas and opportunities become possible.


The final 2 weeks of December

So we made it thru not only the first two weeks of this legendary month of activation and change, but thru 2 of the most intense transitions of this entire year...11:11 and 12:12. (applause) With only one more galactic portal to survive this month (the solstice awakening party for all of humanity) we are quite literally balancing ourselves on the top of that enormous wave (that used to pummel us every time), in position and ready to coast into our new lives!

As more of humanity steps into mastery and self-love thru the solstice period, the way-showers, path-pavers and all those who held steadfast to truth, will become free to experience the full rewards of universal activation (being in the right place at the right time) and the exhilarating ride into our new lives. All energetic roadblocks that have held us back for so long will finally dissipate as we begin 2010 with the forward moving momentum that will catapult us into the new and true.

See you next year!

Wishing you and yours a blessed and happy holiday season....
Lauren"

ThinkWithYourHeart.net

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San Onofre goes clothed.

http://www.ocregister.com/news/state-215920-beach-officials.html

Somewhere during preparations for my move , I missed this tidbit. (Not sure what the next remedy is - or whether the Federal District Court will even intervene in a State matter, but constitutionality is an issue, so who knows where this will go from here). That was the absolute last straw for me - without that beach to go enjoy, naked, as nature intended, there was absolutely nothing holding me to living in the coastal region of the state. Now I have PLENTY of places where I can be nude, mens' resorts of all sorts, and also including the ENTIRE DESERT. It's actually a sad thing. That beach is where I communed with nature, with All That Is. I received a channeled message from a light being on that beach. The animal beings communicated with me on that beach. The mineral and elemental realms communicated with me on that beach. And these people are scared of a little nudity. And when it comes right down to it, who gives a rats' ass about anyone engaged in sexual behavior there. It's not like sex on the beach is a BAD thing. I thought this was a free country! I am very pleased that Texas has enacted legislation prohibiting private property beachside, and that all beach areas must be for public access, not like here in California, where private homes restrict the areas where we can enjoy the beach. I'll bet that they are not enforcing the nudity issue in Malibu, outside the steps of the homes of the rich and famous. Betcha money.

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I am so glad to be out of greater Los Angeles. Life is fucking insane crazy fast there.

Getting Old Sucks

Poor Michael says that his mother has to go to a nursing home, while she awaits a slot at the place where her brother lives. And that his sister is terminal. I wondered what both doctors would say about the mom living there as incapacitated as she is.

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And I have got to face the fact that my activity level must be modified, and that I cannot do even simple things that I used tto do without hurting myself.

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I really hate it all.

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With any kind of physical or emotional pain, one must work extra hard to stay in a high vibration. Sometimes it takes me all day long to get there, and sometimes I don't make it. But that is where I have to begin each day - getting to a place of high vibration and happiness, so that I can better navigate my way through the world in my new disabled state. I never knew these things when I was physically capable of taking care of everything myself, and I never knew this when I was emotionally distraught. Thankfully, I have learned this so that I can handle physical disability much better than I handled emotional disability, and it will be helpful from the emotional standpoint as well.

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But my God does it hurt. I am heating up the gel pad in the oven now. One more Oxycontin, please. And then bed.

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LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

New Moon in Sagittarius

Let's prepare ourselves and set our intentions for what we desire to work on and what we want to come to fruition on the Full Moon, on New Year's Eve, with a lunar eclipse as well. This New Moon is all about Health, Rest, Happiness, Self-Acceptance, and Reconnection with our own Divinity. There is a beautiful New Moon report at the website below:

http://www.mooncircles.com/newmoon_simone.html

And, can you FEEL the sunspot? Incredible stuff.

Well, when I was busy, at least I did not focus on pain so much.

Now that things have slowed down, and add to that one of those sick headaches that lasts two days, I find myself having some severe stiffness and general malaise. Crap! I want to feel better - come on sunshine and heat!

From The Intenders' Bridge

"This is our 2009 Holiday Intention for you."

"May all who seek comfort enjoy it.
May all who want abundance experience it.
May all who intend peace create it.
May all who give love receive it.
And may all who shine light live in it."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Candlelit dinner for two? (Me and George Foreman)

Thank GOD the headache treatment worked. At about 10:30, I was lying in bed with the hungries. There was a time when I would have just rolled over and gone back to sleep. But today, I went down the beautiful candlelit stairs into the beautiful candlelit kitchen and made dinner. Spinach salad with tomato, avocado, romaine, cheese, and olive oil lemon vinaigrette, a chicken breast, potatoes and carrots with cheese and butter, a crescent roll, and water filtered with the Zero Water pitcher.

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Self-care. YUM.

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BLESSINGS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIGHT.

Cocoa by the fire pit?

O.M.G. I have the worst headache today.
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Desert life lesson #1.
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Avoid peak old-people shopping hours, 1:00 to 5:00. Yikes.
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Hit Big Lots for bags of 144 tea lights for $6.00, still not as good as IKEA's price or quality (if you can demand quality from a parrafin candle), but functional.
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Hit Trader Joe's for some frozen chicken breasts, Indian nan and dips like Jesse introduced me to, pasta and sauce, eggs and bacon, and other goodies to munch on till payday. Note to self - need more OJ. Farmer's Market so I can fresh squeeze? Hmm. Did the budget again. It is going to be tight, but not as bad as I thought originally (I hope). I might even avoid BK if I am willing to be dirt-ass poor for 4 years. We'll see.
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Had three responses to a make-friends personal ad. Gotta plan to meet them this week. One is a 74 year-old stoner! LOL!
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Took a Percocet and sinus pill and had cocoa by the fire pit after setting up the humidifier. Nose feels better already. I hope I awaken tomorrow with no headache. Took a moment to reflect on my gratitude and awe at being able to manifest this house in this economy, under these circumstances, and to declare my desire to define my detachment to any outcome, and to declare my desire that the house be filled with beings of light! And, be considered a place of great rejuvenation and relaxation to my city friends. To be open to all that is of the highest good for all concerned!
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"L.O.V.E. = Limitless, oscillating, vibrational energy." - - Winifred Barton, PhD.

Eckhart Tolle

http://www.vimeo.com/7855458

So awesome!

12:12 on the 12/12!

Saw the clock tonight at 12:12, which is totally in line with the 12/12 portal we just crossed Saturday. An appropriate shift in today's marker along the path. This occurred while I was showering before bed, and then doing skin care on my face (which has never been in my routine at all), flossing my teeth, and other self-care tasks - so I interpreted the 12:12 marker as a sign that this was directly related to my new life in the desert. More self-care. Bingo!

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Now I just have to allow the next two weeks to pass without any disruption, so that I can simply survive the overextended budget mess that the move caused. Actually, I came out alright - somehow I always manage. I am still arguing with the moving company about a $300.00 overcharge, so maybe they will be reasonable. Everything will work out fine for me, as it always does.

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I saw 4' bougainvillea in pots at Home Depot, and I almost bought two, because I want them planted outside the eastern facing sliding glass door downstairs, which has a concrete block wall three feet outside the door. UGLY. That area would be beautiful sprayed with the red flowers of that plant, which bloom constantly, so it seems. They also had Bird of Paradise, and all sorts of things - I can certainly tell that I am going to have a strong interest in gardening as a hobby. This is going to be problematic in that crouching is not a comfortable position, and I will instead have to sit on my knees with my legs folded under me - so proper cushion and protection will be needed - a blanket or something. And I don't have any garden tools to dig with. Or trimmers - or cutters. I like the idea of picking my own flowers for use inside. And this is not even to mention the fact that I can have huge towering plants INSIDE the house as well, and vegetables outside for consumption - and on and on it goes. I like it a lot. I hope that it proves beneficial for me mentally and physically. I will be curious to see how I hold up doing that kind of work. One hour? One half hour? We'll see.

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I'll miss IKEA. I never thought I'd hear myself say THAT. I hated that store when I first encountered it. But they do have cheap tea lights.

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Time for bed and more rest. Lots of calls to make tomorrow about address changes and insurance coverage and all that drama.

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My sexual function at last returned after an 8-10 day hiatus, and I am anxiously awaiting my reconnection to All That Is, that extra-good feeling that is the opposite of the severe depression that I suffer from time to time. Thankfully that has lifted for the time being, and I am just cruising on auto pilot. I am ready to feel rockin' good again, ready for that energy to come in and fry my circuits in that oh-so-good way.

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The boys were here and they were so ADD/ADHD it was hysterical. I hope they finally collapsed and relaxed on Saturday night and Sunday. It is like they are just wired 24/7 with stress. Gotta stop! Relaxation is an art. I miss them.

Time to rest.

The boys came out Friday night and stayed over, and they helped me hang the big mirror and put the last finishing touches on my new place (as much as we could do without actually going and buying furniture that I would like to have). It has turned out so nice and spacious and LIVABLE. I like it a lot. I like the fire pit. I want some nice patio furniture.
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Michael was paranoid about surfing on the DROID for fear that his alter ego would be somehow discovered - he is so mysterious. Well, I no longer have to suffer the agony of being so near him and feeling so separated from him, and I hope he now feels free to be whoever it is that he does not feel free to be in my presence.
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Jesse wanted to know what am I doing to meet people. Frankly, until this point, I had not given it a conscious thought. But I guess it is time to start looking for what I moved here for - some bootay. Or at least summons the energy to polish my knob. LOL! If it were summer time I could go to any men's resort and work on my tan and work on my social skills. But for now, it is time to rest...

I will continuously beam the highest vibrating Love for all my beautiful friends on the Southern California Coast!

It is my intention that they be able to think of me, connect to the high vibration, and thereby reconnect with All that they Are, anytime. Love does not work until you give it away! And always remember, if you are stuck mentally, say to the thought,
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"Thank You!" - for your presence and for showing me the way.
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"I Love You!" - everything is perfect as it is
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"I am so sorry!" - for any harm I have caused
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"Please, Forgive Me!"
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Healing blessings to all I have known in LA-LA land! Untold adventures await!

Signed, sealed, delivered (on Tuesday anyway).

Thanks Lowe's and Whirlpool! And for just a tiny bit more than I paid for the Thor combo unit. Prices are WAY down. Now I just gotta sell that thing to someone who will appreciate it as much as I did.

On Authentic Human Engagement

"The pendulum has swung in the conscious community over the past several hundred years from spiritual enlightenment through isolation to the development of emotional enlightenment. I had a friend that was particularly reminding me of this recently when he was saying that he looks for inspirations that lead towards something greater, something beyond human existence, beyond the material, because we are not these human bodies. It’s important to honor this cycle in development. There are many realms of enlightenment, and one of them most certainly is going deeply inward on a human level, fully outward on a spiritual level, disengaging from human dramas and finding who you really are as a being of divine life source. We are not our human bodies, and there has been so much entrenched materialism in our world that a huge thrust to get beyond that is vital.

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There is a movement though, now, towards social interaction (represented here by the Teh Dah Nah symbol). We have become aware of the fact that the idea of a spiritual path is just as illusory as the human drama itself. Getting into spiritual loftiness is, really, easy compared to authentic human interaction (and can ironically really fuel the ego in a big way as well). The real challenge is coming down into the village and sharing, engaging, and facing the emotions that arise in this process. This is our real purpose, I think – not to be spiritually lofty people up on a mountain, but to be God in expression and in engagement with the human on Earth. We are humans on a planet, right? We are here now. We are not just spirit beings, we are human as well. We are here to be human and to fully maximize our experience of the Divine in human form.

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I have had a repeated challenge of seeing many people who “know” so much about spiritual concepts and have even had phenomenal excursions into spiritual awareness, but do not realize that they are not integrating this into the human, that their humanness is still running ramped with huge egotism. There’s not much I’ve found I can do with these folks, but to look at myself – really look at what’s being reflected back to me. I do feel some angst in seeing spiritually egotistical people gaining lots of attention because their so good at getting it now that they have spiritual awareness PLUS ego based social tactics. But, their community often never really lands consistently because they are not fully opening to Life. They are not focused in evoking the God from the community and making a home for that just in their presence alone – they are focused in disseminating a way (their way) up the mountain as “the way.” And, yes, I see how my own ego wants a piece of the pie in some way, some attention somehow – oh, the humility just is recognizing this.

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I would say that I am totally aware of the fact that I present a lot of various concepts in this blog, but the material is all just an exploration of my own of self discovery. I’m happy if it inspires someone else, but I would present it simply as considerations – not laws. The things that I share that have more solidarity around them are really the things I feel are the purist – like that true power comes for pure love (how could you go wrong with that). Really, I believe that engaging our humanness, being as creative and explorative as possible, and honoring the uniqueness of each of us in that is really what life is all about right now. How honest can we really be with ourselves and each other. Do we have the courage to be fully transparent with each other and bare our humanness for the sake of exploration, growth, and discovery? This also goes with accepting each other’s role with full responsibility. Each person is right where they are in their life – and that is perfect.

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Another way of putting this is to acknowledge that many of us have all the spiritual information and understanding that we need about how life works. What’s missing, our next big step, is breaking down the barriers that exist between us that keep us from fully coalescing into a transparent spiritual community of socially intimate engagement in perfect trust – fearless of the pain of being vulnerable and seen. There is still so much shame and defense in the works that keeps us from really getting real with one another. It’s like we are in our own little back yard and we know that over the fence is the glory of the re-awakened Garden of Eden, but we still feel too comfortable in our own little protective structure to jump that fence quite yet.

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Of course, this has it’s own outworking and natural development. Everything is inevitably moving back into wholeness. It is not a matter of how to make it happen – by any means (none of us can figure that out) – but simply a matter of when. Many still don’t even realize how transparent they already are – how easy it is to see people’s deep, core issues. All one has to do is really pay attention and be willing to feel into their own emotions to be able to pick up on this. And to do so is an honor that is best handled with total respect and care. The ease in this is because of the fact that your issues are not just yours, they are the worlds, they are everybody’s issues.

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A suggestion: begin to carry the belief that everything around you can hear your thoughts and feel everything that you are feeling (some people you know might be able to do this right now). The point of this is not to enter into a state of paranoia, but of both mindfulness and compassion. If you think you can hide anything, guess again. There is no way to hide – not really. There are ways, but these all eventually break down. Understand that the thought patterns and emotions that you carry are not just yours, they are Maya’s, and we all share in them together and can observe them objectively as out-workings of the human experience with love and compassion. We can have acceptance for them and ourselves and for each other. If someone, or yourself, is really rapped up in something, they are just confused and really just need love and acceptance. Offer them a glass of water and change the subject, or humbly see how you can develop it into the truth, the epiphany, that is already inside them by being a peer with them (not a teacher at them) in human exploration and discovery – in authentic human engagement.

Teh Dah Nah – Third Eye Smiley - A Reiki symbol representing (a) final stage of enlightenment - at piece with ALL the illusions of this world - all eyes wide open - ready and willing to engage fully into Life - and yes, it IS supposed to be funny. Also, realizing the idea of a spiritual path is just as much an illusion as any other human drama."

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from Human Expression Notes on Facebook - I have to find the real source it is so awesome

What is this Michael and Jesse tribute week?

Jesse made us and Neal and Helen a great and tasty meal. They are seriously beginning the non-drinking smoking road. I fully support them toward that effort, as I would in any effort. OMG I love them so much. Seriously, I hope they can feel this connection, a connection to Source, actually, that I have come to understand through the mirror they have provided for me.

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One day, when things have calmed down for them, I wonder if I can take them back and let them in on some of the things that I have learned about them from our interaction. It could only come from a place of complete and total open-heartedness, non-judgment, eagerness to share in this knowlege (my perceptions) in order for personal growth or insight, and I can't right now. I can't ever tell them anything that might cause them to beat up on themselves, or feel that I was being judgmental, or feel that I was trying to get them to change, because none of those things are true. I would only offer my point of view in the case that they wanted to learn and to move past some things. But the trick is, only they will know when it is time for them to do so, and whatever I have to say would be meaningless until then - but the good news is that it will be resolved, in time, if it is to be so.

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And I wonder if there is anything they might want to share with me one day. The mirror they have provided me thus far has paved the way for my growth into the next phase of my planetary and personal missions.

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MY GOD I did not realize it was posible to love anyone else this much.

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I swear. I had always hoped that it would be true. I just had not experienced it for myself. And in a way, I still have not - because although they love me, they are not available to me romantically, and however strong that desire remains, it does not diminish the nature of our relationship at all in the least. I simply cannot imagine loving anybody more than this. So of course, it is perfectly natural for me to feel this attraction! I Am only human after all. But even without it, I feel like I am in the arms of the Creator when they hug me. They have done it again! What a miraculous gift! And just in time for Christmas!

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Full Moon - incredible.

Can you feel reality splitting? I am just getting pulled to another frequency. It's just a change in awareness, really. Shows you some wild stuff though. I can't control my own imagination even. It's interesting, difficult, sort of frustrating, really.
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Love is a many splendored thing.

Poor Jess is swollen.

I hope he recovers soon. Did not hear from him Tuesday. He needs a spa getaway for about a month. They both do. We're talking island paradise. They are carrying so much stress and it can't continue! They have to shake it off.

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The other night, before Thanksgiving, poor Michael was crying because he was thinking of me moving. But he will be my friend for the rest of our lives and then, after this physical life, we will get to go on to another adventure! I only have tears of joy, because I know that I will carry a part of the boys in my heart forever. Just as I knew instantly upon meeting that I had known them for eternity.

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Absolutely they are angels who agreed to meet me here, at the time I was most disillusioned, to help me get back on track and to become excited about living again, and to mature in many ways. I have watched the synchronicities fall into place before my eyes, and have experienced growth at the soul level unprecedented until the phase of my life where our paths crossed. I am humbled by and grateful for their friendship.

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In the alternate reality where I convinced them to marry me and have a relationship of three, I am loved and accepted and valued, and am allowed to express my Love to them freely, wildly, completely. The satisfaction and sense of belonging that comes from the emotional stability of that alternate reality is truly my new passion, to bring that fullness of Love into THIS reality. I sincerely hope they know how much they mean to me, how much I love and adore them, how much I want to be a steady pillar of strength and devotion to their well-being. Someday, I will have the kind of relationship they have.

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I will only be a telephone call away, a couple of hours by car. But nothing could separate us, not even moving to the North Pole. I leave with a full heart, with nothing but anticipation and excitement about seeing them in the future. I know that every reunion will hold in store for us the times of our lives!

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Thank you, boys, for all that you are. I LOVE YOU MADLY, UTTERLY, AND COMPLETELY, and wish you excellence and success in all that you do. If ever you want to celebrate, or feel down and out, or think that you have no place to turn for a listening ear, a comforting hug, or a restful night's sleep, just reach out and I will be there, through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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I INTEND, THAT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM, IN EACH MOMENT! And this I learned from the two of you.

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XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I wonder....

I wonder if after I get moved and there is nobody there, and I KNOW that I don't know anybody, if it will help resolve my constant yearning, yearning, yearning for companionship, attention, conversation, touch, or just make it worse.

Into the space of No-time.

I have read about this concept, of humanity moving from linear time into a space of no-time. I have been watching with great intrigue as my awareness levels continue to expand in ways I could never have anticipated. Tonight I experience myself completely outside linear time, in that space where time is not a variable, and is nothing to waste your attention on, because it just IS. Imagine - not ever paying attention to or worrying about anything that happens on earth as a result of the passage of time, including aging and the cycle of life. There is nothing you can do to stop the passage of time, except to step into the space of no-time, and live every moment, without exception, from this perspective.

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Now, there are a lot of hierarchical connotations associated with the term Higher Self, or Higher Consciousness, especially of the lofty, idealistic, perfectionistic variety. This is not so. The higher self is able to operate in a higher frequency of perception, that's all. It is a connection which is characterized by a sense of allowing what is to just be, and you get to appreciate things a lot more. Even if any given situation remains the same, whether or not you are able to see it from the space of no-time, it may be that the higher self has no more answers for you than your non-expanded self. There is not a moral judgment concerning any action you might take or choice that you might make, about whether the choice is in alignment with your higher self or made while in connection with the higher self, and it does not mean that you would choose much differently than you do right now.

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This is not to say that you will not begin to experience change. There will usually be changes in thinking and behavior for many who undergo this process, but there are some who will find that the no-time is where they begin to flourish, as if they have been waiting all of their life to perceive this space where they feel completely at home expressing their most loving nature. Hoping that everyone catches up because it is such a wonderful space!

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I will be going back to re-read about this no-time, as I have seen articles about it for a couple of years now. How awesome to finally experience it for myself!

Want to live to be 100?

Stay ACTIVE. Stay POSITIVE. Eat a Mediterranean diet. That's all.

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Just learned that one of my old bar buds in Dallas, who was having an affair with a married guy while his wife was dying of breast cancer, who did not smoke and did not drink excessively, has terminal brain cancer. So fuck it! Why worry about smoking? I refuse.

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3 days and counting. Refrigerator clean and unplugged. Ready to throw the remaining items in a box tomorrow. Let's GO ALREADY!