Maybe I'm not so alone.

I feel all of you here with me today, and it feels good.

I want all of our dreams to come true.

Could you handle it?

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

Another amazing and beautiful channel

"Through the many densities, through all of the lessons of each density, and through the countless experiences which together create your personal biases and distortions, you seek endlessly to return to that vibration which is your home, your nature, your origin, and your ending. It is a thirst and a craving within the very depths of your nature, deeper than your thoughts, more intimate to you than all of the trappings of culture, language and learning that ripple the surface of your waters as you move through the ocean of life."

"When you choose, within this veil of forgetting, to turn towards love, to live love, and to be love, you have done so against resistance. And in meeting and working with this resistance, you have tempered your soul and have done the work which you came to do."

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=459605

The Rocket is now boarding.

OMG I want someone to take this ride with me. Maybe I just have to get onto the ride anyway, whether or not anyone comes along. The opposite of my current state. I am ready to completely take off on a magic carpet ride. I am ready to have my life be full of adventure, radiating Divine Ecstasy during every moment, allowing me to completely become Love and have a blast - all while being in service to others. Ask me for details if you dare.

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=459601

"This energy that we are in now, ready or not, is manifesting thought into reality lickity split. Mind control is a must now. This new energy pushes us even deeper into the Mystery. Learning how to live in this new atmosphere is a top priority. This new in-rush of energy is rapidly making a clean sweep of people, situations and 'things' not harmonious with this new cycle of time, while simultaneously and quickly creating magical meetings to bring people into alignment with others who they will be playing with and creating with during this next cycle of time. The serendipity is almost as staggering as the wipe-outs.
.
Several have shared that they feel like chess pieces being moved around on a chessboard. We are and it's fun once you align with the game. Many have shared that they feel like they are losing their memories, and indeed they are. It's not a mind dis-ease. The memories are simply former stories written and produced by a third dimensional mind. There is no further need for them where we being moved to. They are irrelevant, thus intentionally being cast out. The trick is not trying to remember them or re-tell them. Stay in the moment. That's where the magic happens."

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE

My favorite place - Palm Springs

A dove perched on the fountain for me.

Hummingbirds were scrambling everywhere.

They really liked this little red flower.

Walked right up to one perched in a bush and snapped this photo.

Sam the cat waltzed right into our room and hopped right onto the bed.

And for the therapeutic part, the World's Best Jacuzzi.

THE VOICE OF LOVE

thru denisa

deniseanew@aol.com

"~ THE WAVES OF ASCENSION ~"

"when the wave is out
it is a moment to reflect on
your creations…
to let go of that which no longer
serves the elegance of your presence…
to allow all to fall away
that no longer is of “value”
to you…
you spend much quiet time
alone with your
Highest Self…
that which
I AM

when the wave is in
it brings with it the new seeds
of your new life
as you have now
let go of the old one’s
that were restricting the
expansion of your union
with ME…

allow the waves
my beloved child…

allow the waves
to bring you home to ME

for the perfect motion
is already set forth
just for YOU…

you are so loved and valued
by me
and I AM
“waving” you home…. "

This is so beautiful and true, a helpful hint for these exciting ascension times. When our emotions are slamming us against the wall, if we can just hold on long enough for the wave to break - then, during the cycle when there is relief from the constant emotional hammering, if we can just be still and allow that which we want to come to us to come. Can we simply allow the goodness to become?

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, FIRST AND FOREMOST.

I am not a sex addict!

We have compared your answers with people who have been diagnosed with sex addiction. Your answers HAVE NOT MET a score on basis of six the criteria that indicate sex addiction is present. To help you understand, the graphic below plots your score in relation to the scores of others.

You have just completed the Sexual Addiction Screening Test or SAST (version 3.1). This assessment tool has been used since 1983 to help determine if sex addiction is a problem. This version of the SAST is new. It was updated to reflect changes in sexual behavior since the 1980's and to be of assistance whatever your gender or sexual orientation might be. The database on which the assessment is made is composed of thousands of clinical patients, on-line assessments (such as this one), and non-clinical populations. Please remember that this is a new version so scoring may be adjusted with more research. It also is a simple screening tool which helps you sort out whether you have a problem or not. If you do have a concern, it is very important to see a trained therapist who understands sex addiction. For help in selecting a therapist or to contact a trained therapist in your area use the Find A Therapist search form to the left. We hope this process has been helpful to you.

So this intuitive woman in Santa Monica wrote in June...

http://people.tribe.net/nanseegee/blog?topicid=33f7c989-e478-42fa-b73d-b946708020bf

"This particular mind programming structure is referred to by the Guardians as the "nephilim reversal programming" and was particularly specific in perpetuating psychological male dominating control patterns in the 3D reality hologram. This was partially designed as a failsafe to suppress female consciousness from attaining its true God power in the physical during the Ascension Cycle. This was a way to booby trap the organic Ascension Plan which was originally designed to accelerate divine marriage between the genders (both inner and outer expressions). This program would render it inaccessible to the masses by distorting it through a myriad of reversals. Because of the nature of this, recently, many people had moments of awareness of releasing suppressed rage, or feeling extremely angry for no apparent reason. As this was dissolving or dismantling within the mental body it could also be very emotional. This was a human emotional body "piece" of realizing how spiritual freedom was taken by robbing humanity of its rightful birthright to experience itself within a divine/sacred marriage. Even if one is unaware of this consciously, it is still experienced as a feeling within the cells of the body."

This described my June experience exactly. I am so distraught over being denied spiritual divine union on this plane that I am ready to leave the planet. The idea that it is a cellular response resonates with me greatly. She also reports that those of us who are here to anchor the high frequency of the type of relationship in our visions will begin to find the Others, and that these types of relationships will start to form this year. Oh my God. Is this just another ploy by the Universe to get me to stick around longer, only to continue to deny me my birthright to Divine Union in a relationship? I am out of patience.

I deserve sex!

Everything I have ever done, every activity I have pursued, every word that I have uttered, every job I have held, was an attempt to change the direction of my course so that someone would love me and have sex with me.

For whatever reason, I have never felt wanted, needed, or loved. Each and every day, as I made my way in the world, finding a way to provide for myself, I attempted to change the direction of my course to being me closer to the day when I would have someone with me, loving me, having sex with me.

Whether it was being the last person chosen as the teams were formed in elementary school for the daily barbaric practice of dodge ball, because I was not physically adept, or whether it was never having a date in high school because there were no other gay kids, or whether it was never finding a potential lover at a gay bar during all the years I hung out at gay bars because I was not "masculine" enough, whether it was ending the speed dating event with no matches to contact to schedule another date, each and every day ended with me being alone, with nobody to love me or have sex with me.

I have not been able to find "the thing" that will enable me to have someone with me, loving me, and having sex with me.

I desire and deserve someone to be with me, to love me, and to have sex with me. Every day.

The more time passes makes me feel all the more frantic to find the person who will be with me, loving me, and having sex with me.

Dale is a very nice man who readily admits that he does not feel the call to the spiritual nature of a sexual relationship that I feel, but he enjoys being with me very much. But he is not the guy who is so taken with me that he will do whatever it takes to be with me whenever possible, to love me and to have sex with me. We were in Texas at the same time and if I had been him, I would have done whatever I had to do to get to be with him, but he chose not to do so. During the short periods in between his work assignments, if I were him, I would be doing whatever I had to do to be with him every moment possible. He does not feel this same sense of urgency. He may not be the one I am looking for; only time will tell.

Meanwhile, I spend day after day, wondering what I must do, where I must look, who I must be, to finally have someone with me, loving me, and having sex with me.

Now, sex does not mean having a dick and a hole to put it in, do your business, and leave. I do not wish to have an endless series of different persons with whom to awkwardly make our way through a fast and unpleasurable event of this nature. Having a sexual relationship with someone is an all-day, every-day affair, building excitement and anticipation, and spending as much pleasurable together time as possible, to magnify the pleasure of the actual orgasmic experience, which would preferably occur daily, or on as many days as possible.

I deserve to have someone with me, loving me, and having sex with me.

Is it really so hard to understand, that after a lifetime of wondering why I do not have someone with me, loving me, and having sex with me, that I am not happy with this situation? That after trying EVERYTHING there is to try in order to locate this missing person, and failing, that I feel unloved and unwanted?

Is that really so hard to understand?

All I fucking want is to have sex, with someone who loves me, unconditionally, every day (or at least every day that is possible).

All I fucking want is to have sex.

Shut up and Fuck me.

Here are the thoughts I wrote down.

My sister has provoked me to rage as long as I can remember. There was an incident when we were 2 or 3 when living on Aloha Drive when she was chasing me and I was trying to get away from her and I slammed a door between us that went from the garage to the patio – not a solid door, a pressed wood hollow door – anyway, her pinky was caught if I remember correctly, and smashed pretty good, enough for a trip to the E.R. Our relationship changed. Again, I do not even remember anything before that, except that at some point, I felt so guilty for inflicting this pain onto her. I just remember that I spent my entire childhood trying to hide from her and get away from her. I felt constantly judged by her – which is interesting because as a teen and adult, all she does is constantly complain about being judged when really these things do not enter my mind or my mother’s mind – she sees us as ganged up on her. It did not stop there. She continued and continues to provoke me to rage into adulthood, as evidenced on the weekend. I have never put 2 and 2 together before, about the relationship between this behavior pattern, and my severe lifelong depression, until now, and I am only able to do so by the immediate and severe depression relapse that ensued. The depression is the response to the absolute rage, such rage that I could MURDER - it's as though my body then shuts down in an attempt to counteract the rage.

I was jealous of her beauty and ease in obtaining affection in dating, and from an early age I might add, because my homosexuality provided no method for obtaining this for myself. I was jealous that she dated some of my friends, on whom I had the worst crushes ever. I can see how this might be interpreted as my judgment of her, even though judgment was not the actual basis of the difficulty in our relationship, but rather, that I felt so unable to obtain affection (which continues to this day).

She provoked me to rage as a general rule – as though it was her “duty.” The last time was when her kids were little and I offered my opinion about some facet of their upbringing that I would do differently – and that was the last time I ever made that mistake. I was relieved that she was no longer speaking to me because I was free from her provocations.

She flipped out when the kids were little and they were all dependent on her and she had no support. She resents them for that reason. She feels worthless.

Stick it up your butt. People in my family were always saying, "Stick it up your butt" or that they were going to "stick it up your butt. A common saying. Where did this come from? Instills fear – my guess is from church.

Had fear of getting caught masturbating at a very early age (4 or 5). There is a right time and a wrong time, remember this message repeatedly told – even in high school some poor kid was shamed after being caught jacking off in the team shower room in a stall I believe. Grown ups do nothing when kids taunt “fag” because basically, the prevailing school of thought is that God Hates Fags, so they do not rock the boat. So it’s ok to bully gays. So yeah I have at least some level of deep-seated masturbation guilt that was directly instilled by the church. Bastards!

Church created the avenues to sin and supports our efforts. They gotta keep control and keep their 10% tithe flowing to them. LOL! What was adultery before the concept of marriage? Nothing. What was lust before the church separated men from women, and we lost our innate understanding of each other?

Judgment from church people of smokers, which seemed hypocritical, since most everybody gets a horrible death anyway.

The wall created between men and women back when they were separated in school has meant that most men and most women do not have their innate connection to each other intact, which means that their relationships lack the spiritual expansion, so now the children cannot see it, which is how it was then bred out of humanity, generation after generation.

They control the school curriculum, with the one exception of evolution being taught in schools. As long as this is the hot topic of debate, our attention is diverted from the fact that they control every other aspect of the curriculum and prevailing wisdom (right-wing fanatical).

Children inherently see through the holes in the adults’ arguments about why things are the way that they are, and understand that what the adults are portraying as being the “rules” are not necessarily adhered to be everyone. I think this is the basis of my own fear issues and safety issues, because I was thought I was being deliberately lied to. But now I see that the adults sincerely held the belief systems as true, so they did not think they were lying.

I remember very carefully screening everyone from an early age, had to make sure that they were as empathetic as I was before opening up completely to them. I perceived a level of awareness that was very high, and had to protect myself from those who were not able to understand that they have the ability to understand every single emotion available to humans. Some people are not aware of this, and so they go along unintentionally inflicting pain on others.

So in my whole growing up, there was no outlet whatsoever for gay tendencies, no opportunity to date, perceived isolation from adults who rejected me because I was gay, and so the only interaction I had that was peaceful, joyful, and accepting, occurred when I was hidden, alone, masturbating. So - there seems to be the root of my desire for a partner. I long ago lost all reason to believe that I could get my needs met anywhere in the “real world,” due to my experiences growing up and later in the "gay community" (try walking into a gay bar or bath house as the skinny, disabled guy with no muscles and see how far you get). I no longer allow myself to even experiment and see if I could get my needs met in the “real world” or "gay community," which limits me to my fantasies, and my ideal version of finding a mate, as being the only times when I am even remotely getting my needs met. How do I correct this I am not sure; maybe I am not supposed to do anything, other than witness it and shine light on it. Dunno – the misery is still there, believe me. But, since I think there is nothing left that can hurt me any worse than I have been already, maybe I can venture out into the world and give it a try again. My luck with personal ads and dating websites has always been abysmal.

OMG.

EEEEWWWWW IIIIICCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK Jesus help me! I am so blown away by my profound depression response and total systems shutdown after the incident with my sister. All systems DOWN. I have not so much as left the bed except to take the boys and Marlene and Howie to the airport, to have a couple of Jamba Juices, to do the mail and correspondence and banking, and to eat a couple of times - since returning from Texas. And really, I was doing the same thing while I was there - sleeping. I feel so dirty now. I've been slimed.

I have been on a trip through childhood tonight, through the eyes of an adult, and I wonder how many days it will take me to capture on paper the shit that I am seeing flash before me. The walls of emotion placed there in my childhood due to interaction with others. The insidious role of the church in structuring society in such a way that it can control the children's minds, at least, knowing that many will not escape its clutches as an adult - and willing to risk the few that do - thinking that they pose no threat to its sovreignty. I can tell you that this is going to change. Our current civil rights battle in the GLBT community is strictly the result of, and the backlash against, church doctrine, much of which has no basis in reality.

I will try as hard as I can to keep the two subjects separate - the influence of the church on the general society, the influences of this nature as they pertains to my own life, and some other issues that pertain to my own life that are not necessarily related to religious bias, as far as I can tell. I feel an enormous weight and pressure to get the transcription of this info correct due to its importance, both personal and collectively. Wish me luck!

I'm so tired of being considered imbalanced.

I am completely unable to understand why nobody shares my vision of a loving partnership wherein the object is to further connect the partners to Source. I am completely unable to understand why people will take the most sacred part of themselves and hide it from their own view - using it only as the birds, bees and beasts use their sexuality. I am completely unable to understand why this pursuit is not everbody's prime directive number one! I feel as though if I am unable to accomplish this relationship in this lifetime that I will never have another opportunity. Wherever I attempt to interject this vision into my reality and share it with others I am met with scorn, ridicule, isolation.

I don't understand why anyone would not *want* to have a magik, tantric, sexual relationship that would allow them to plug directly into Source with the heart chakra. Was this a mistake? Was coming here just a mistake? I am light-years ahead of my time concerning the potentials of the sacred relationship. I certainly was not prepared for the obstacles before I embarked on this journey. Fuck! I am not sure I am going to make it.

OK I get it.

Ego Death. The central tenet of all literature that I have been reading in the past several weeks. To release attachment to the outcome of any situation. To refuse Ego to taint the Bliss of the current moment with its contant rejection of what IS.

I get it. Ego cannot be satisfied, ever. Even when its desires seem completely rational, reasonable, and good. So how do I kill the motherfucker? I can no longer have desires or wants. They are killing ME.

So let's practice.

I don't care if I am single.
I don't care if other people do not love me the way I love them.
I don't care if my significant other is always gone.
I don't care whether I ever have sex again.
I don't care whether anyone ever licks my skin from head to toe again.
I don't care if I have to sleep alone, wake alone, be alone.
I don't care if I am in debt.
I don't care if people think I have HIV/AIDS.
I don't care if my family is mean to me.
I don't care if I ever see the sunshine again.
I don't care if I am in too much pain to function.
I don't care I Don't Care I DON'T CARE.

My abusive sister screaming at her daughter.

At the beginning, right before I got the camera on, she was bitching about her hour commute to work and showing her resentment for having to work to support her own children. She was screaming at my niece to get a job - hell there are no jobs for Masters' Degree candidates right now, much less high school grads with no work experience.

Spring Cleaning is in full swing.

I have embarked on a journey to focus my attention on removing from my orbit and sphere of experience, that which does not allow me to feel connected to Source, or which separates me from who I really am. I have embarked on a journey to find others who desire to follow a path where, in every moment, we choose to appreciate and to be thankful, and to express Love, so as to remove the scourge of the feeling of separation from our experience. I continue to be frustrated by those who refuse to open their eyes and see that what we have in this instant is perfect, who refuse to allow themselves to Live, Laugh and Love in this moment. Society teaches us to place all kinds of barriers between us that prevent us from doing this. It is kind of strange though, since the intensity of this kind of interaction inevitably leads to the desire for the expression of sexuality with others who Love in this manner. This is my ultimate addiction - to merge my most Loving, connected self with my physical being, especially during the expression of sexuality. People who are unable to get the picture are only half alive. When the opportunity to do so presents itself, most people are scared shitless and run. Very few people have their emotional and physical bodies aligned in this way - in fact, most will tell you that they deliberately separate the two. The prevalence of anonymous sexual encounters is proof of this. I completely reject that model, and wish instead to align my emotional and physical bodies, so as to experience the maximum amount of time in an orgasmic state of bliss. It is a lonely road that I travel, but there is no other road for me. Where are the others? I intend to have constant loving companionship with others.

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

Quick and Easy trip to Hell in a Handbasket.

My travel today was quick and easy. When I purchased my ticket, there were few seating options, and I thought the plane was full. Turns out the computer was just balancing the weight in the plane. If I had thought that the plane was half-empty, I would have saved $135.00 for a first-class upgrade instead of spending all my money last week. That seems to be the trick when flying from OC to Dallas - buy economy and then upgrade to first-class for a song at the check-in counter. But with no one else on my row, and a pretty decent snack, I was in Texas in what seemed like just a few minutes. I kept myself occupied with a new book, Wild Attraction; The Energetic Facts of Life, which is fascinating. I look forward to putting some of the knowledge in this book to work to see how I can turn my recovery and depression around. So many good books lately. One thing is certain - I have GOT to expand my circle of friends, and I have got to pursue activities that make me happy. After 10 years in California, I can count all my friends there on two hands, and only a few of them live in my immediate area. This is not what a well-adjusted person's social network would look like. Anyway, we'll see if I am able to turn that situation around after studying the concepts in this book for a while.

It feels like I am out in the country. This place is sparsely populated compared to California. It has a very laid back feeling that I am sure I will enjoy while I am here. I already had to re-train the garage door opener because someone had screwed it up, fix a toilet flapper, oil all the squeaky doors, and the to-do list is endless. Sorry mom - I am just not up to any big projects this trip.

My luggage could not be put into the trunk of the car - my mother backed into a large truck with a large trailer hitch at the King Tut exhibit and has not gotten the car fixed. Nor had she informed me of this. My sister did not so much as come out of her room or say hello to me or kiss my ass or nothing. I guess after I told her to stop writing me shitty emails right before I had surgery because it was not helping me to mentally prepare for what I was facing, she is not talking to me. And she is really really pissed off that my mom paid the Altima payment for a couple of months during my first six-months off work. So sorry to have been in need. I guess I know where I will not be receiving any help in my old age. Suddenly I feel very well-adjusted, succssful, and happy. LOL!!! Nothing like a little family dysfunction to remind me of how fortunate I am to have relationships that are dynamic and loving and safe.

Can't sleep a wink. I need my fan for noise. It looks like I am going to skip the whole graduation ceremony on Sunday - it requires a drive to Denton, about 40 miles to the north, and then sitting all morning, and then a return trip in the afternoon - I am just not up to that much activity yet without a place to lie down if I should suddenly need to.

I am going to take mother to work in a couple of hours and keep her car in case I am able to hook up with any of my high school friends or former coworkers. So maybe I should go try to nap.

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

So THAT'S what was going on.

One of my favorite channels, Magenta Pixie, has this to say about horrible May:

"May was a necessary month of clearing, facing residue of fears and anxieties and learning how to truly embrace the higher path. Decisions were made and those within the flow of light learned that whatever the decision they made, they could still understand the intricacies of the other realities and timelines where the self existed in a consciousness construct where the other decision had been made. The individuals who reached this understanding are now able to communicate with other aspects of themselves, understanding that you are multi-dimensional beings, existing in so many realities simultaneously.

Many of you learned the difference between embracing and facing fear and walking away from that which is not aligned with your being. Understanding that walking away from something does not always mean you are afraid to face it, for you can walk away and face a situation when you work multi dimensionally."

I can clearly see what she is talking about with my fear of cancer and my smoking habit - although I can stop smoking, it does not yet feel as though the situation has changed, and I feel that I am still doomed to disfigurement and death even though I am not smoking like a chimney anymore. The two realities are still very close together. Even as time elapses, I will still be connected to the Dave who chose to continue smoking like a chimney, and will be in communication with him always, because I exist in that dimension and many others always.

So - time to step back, reassess, plan, and act. Really, we are the designers of our lives, although it does not seem so at times. We have to be perfectly clear about what it is that we want, and we have to be connected to and be able to express our innermost joy along the way in order to not be anxious, tense, regretful, and feeling empty. I am looking forward to returning from Texas, finishing spring cleaning, and outlining my exact path for the next year or two. The reality that I no longer have to serve in that horrible job has not yet set in. I still feel the tension of getting up and going to a job every day that I despised. My recovery has now progressed to the point where I need to begin thinking about my next chapter, and then write it, so that I can experience the creations that I want.

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.