Another whole year...

...without so much as a kiss.

I wish I wasn't a romantic, and that I did not give a shit about affection. Of course then, I'd probably have more than I could deal with.

What a difference a New Moon makes.

And we are also halfway through the Sixth Night of the Galactic Underworld of the Mayan Calendar, so much change is occurring rapidly. Today, after becoming open to the idea that I don't want to spend any more time on the human sexual polarity paradigm, I became aware of a new perspective taking over me, like being attuned to a higher consciousness. It's so trippy because it is not so completely different than this consciousness, the one in the third dimension, but rather just evaluates things without so many blinders on. Very eye-opening.

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I see that humans are so stupid and waste so much time. Can we please get a grip as a single humanity that the organized religions who are trying so hard to impose their morality code upon everyone else have not yet mastered that very code themselves, they have lost the argument with their hypocrisy, and we really need to instead take a closer look at what is really going on in the world.

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We don't have to put up with the governments' and leaders' view of reality, either. Or popular culture's.

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Oh, oh - back to the human sexual polarity paradigm. The vibration of a fully energetically merged sexual experience, where multiple dimensions of reality are collapsed, is but a tiny glimpse of the nature of the frequency that awaits us outside the polarity paradigm. I am very interested to find out if I will be able to achieve any relief from the emotional damage wreaked upon me by the chaos and havoc of that reality now that I have become aware of the higher state outside that reality. Duality is not for the weak-stomached, or faint-of-heart. Brutality rules, and although we have made significant strides since the Dark Ages concerning the advancement of Human Rights, There is still a long way to go in only a short period of time. This is why we are seeing the rapid breakdown of things and many seemingly endless cases of corruption and deception as the darkness is purged from the planet. The hypocrisy surrounding Tiger Woods jumps out at me strongly, as humans missed the point entirely. Nobody has the right to judge that man, because nobody is exempt from at least the fantasy of what he was doing or worse, and many more than we care to admit are behaving in ways that contradict the social facade and agreed upon contractual behavior. Why was it that everyone felt so ready to pounce all over him? I thought the punishment did not fit the crime. Yeah, OK, it was really dirty the way he did the wife. And they will have to deal with that. But the whole Scarlett Letter thing? Turning the news into just a trashy checkstand tabloid? Really?

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What else jumps out at me before I get side tracked...oh yeah. In our "rise" in going from an agriculture-based economy to a manufacturing economy and then so forth, to where we are today, we got side tracked as a humanity. Since the developments made it possible for people to have the time to move to the city and work creating advancements in technology, and all sorts of other things that have n0thing to do with providing the basic necessities of life, we forgot that the whole point of having this extra time to be able to do these things was to always ensure that everyone always had access to the basic necessities of life, even if they did not live on a farm. What a bunch of idiots humans are!

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The same goes for the pursuit of love within the sexual polarity paradigm. If society is going to require persons to find a single partner with whom to share the pleasures of physicality, and is going to simultaneously shame persons who refuse to conform with the "standard and approved" model for this behavior, don't you think it would be much more productive for everyone if Love was made a priority, and finding it would be encouraged to the point where those actively seeking a loving relationship could be assembled into once place of their free choosing in order to meet others who were also seeking this type of relationship? Or, don't you think it would much better serve humanity for there to be ways to identify others who might be interested in dating, aside from physically separating us into groups? How hard could it be? Certainly, I would personally recommend helping everyone possible who desired such assistance to locate others with whom a similar awareness level and philosophy of life in order to find potential partners. Everyone deserves to have that! So why don't we as a humanity make that a priority instead of it being just another Darwinian exercise? The thing that separates us from the animals is the ability to step outside the Darwin model and exercise control over our biology when it comes to reproductive instinct. We do not have to be slaves to our biology - it can and should be fostered in each human, so as to assist each human's consciousness to be raised in the way that only a loving partnership can.

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I was totally disconnected while writing that last paragraph - it twisted into a direction that I did not expect. I wonder where that came from - is it programming from somewhere/someone else, or is it a conclusion of mine based upon life experience, or is it neither of those?

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Let's see if we can decipher.

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If we were as a humanity, to ensure that everyone was given access to the basic necessities of life, to include a loving partnership, and if society were to assist everyone to have food, clothing, housing, shelter, medical care, and education, as well as access to others self-identified as wanting a spiritually aware, higher consciousness loving partnership, then there would be little reason for anyone to have power over anyone else or sexual control, exploitation, or, the torture of exclusion from the casual sex circuit, where being an outcast shows us what a despicable bunch we are, as a group. We owe it to ourselves to treat each other better than this, and if we do not, we will consume ourselves.

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OMG and that a plant should be illegal. There are various societies in which the possession or ingestion of certain naturally occurring plant life forms is legislated to be criminal activity. That's like trying to regulate air or water or something else as insane. Are you kidding me? Plants?

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I might continue this later. I downloaded a lot of stuff this time.

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CON'T

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And WHY do people allow their minor children to run loose for hours every day, screaming and hollering and getting into who knows what, when we should be teaching them how the world works, what we know about survival, how to grow food, how to study and read, how to analyze data, and all these extraordinary technological advances...humans sure waste a lot of time.

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And karma is a funny thing to watch - when it belongs to someone else. The trick is to be able to see when it is causing things to show up for YOU. Then you can move through the lessons faster.

Let's break it down...

If I'd rather die than be single and without the physical comforts of sexuality,

If I'd rather die than be a complete whore and have sex with strangers just for the sake of the physical aspect without any mental/spiritual/emotional connection, which is not pleasurable,

Since I cannot afford to pay a live-in rent boy to fake it and love me for my money,

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT

what's the remedy for wanting to die?

without the physical expression of love I am finding it impossible to want to live. there is no point. I don't know what to do. No pill will cure this. I don't have the money to pay anyone to fake it. And I don't seem to have the traits necessary to organically attract the Love that is my birthright. That which I can no longer live without. I hate this planet.

lonely by Raymond A. Foss

"lonely in a crowd
different from the rest
separate, apart
because of change,
experiences they can’t understand
choices and experiments taken
can I fit within their world
relate on some common level
when my life and theirs
exist on different planes

8/18/04 23:28

the gulf so wide,
land so foreign
in familiar surroundings

8/18/04 23:35

miles away
even at home

8/18/04 23:48"

Speaks directly to me. Almost creeps me out.

http://eternalgodliness.punt.nl/?r=1&id=508911

Jeshua on dealing with fear:

“The fear you are experiencing is the deepest fear a human can face: the fear to live.

People think they fear death, but they actually fear life, because life is a strong, unpredictable force that leads you past the highs of love and joy and the lows of fear and loneliness. Life is about feeling.

You are afraid to feel your fear, because you think it will destroy you.

However, this thought is simply fear in another form.

The only solution is to face the fear, let it be, embrace it as it is. It is part of life.

To be able to live with your fear, you need to make a decision.

It is the decision to live, specifically to live on earth right now. This decision cannot be made for you by anyone else. You have to make it and it must come from your heart: your feelings rather than your thoughts.

Deep down inside of you there’s a little boy waiting to be welcomed and caressed.

He was not received by his earthly mother in a way that made him truly feel loved for who he was. He does not feel at home on earth. He is also carrying past life time grief inside.

This little boy has felt betrayed and abandoned by life. He is not sure he wants to live on earth ever again.

He is now asking you to reach out to him from your heart. Your fear is his voice calling you.

To embrace life on earth now is to embrace this little boy inside.

Would you want anyone else to take care of his wounds?

Would you want to hand over this precious child of yours to anyone but yourself?

He is waiting for you.

What he needs from you first and foremost is your acceptance. He wants you to take responsibility for him and tell him that you are there for him no matter what. He needs to know that you are there even if he keeps on crying and being afraid. He needs to know you will be there unconditionally. Only then can he relax…

You see, you cannot make his fear go away through any outside method. The idea that he needs to be healed or ‘fixed’– with the help of healers or healing methods – may make him feel there is something wrong with him. He may feel rejected by it. He has no trust in life. The only way his trust can be restored is by you being there even if he remains afraid. You must accept him unconditionally, and only then will this wounded child receive true healing.

If you truly embrace this inner child of yours, he will bestow you with many gifts among which the greatest is to find joy in life again, to enjoy the ride between the highs and the lows, to feel safe and at home on earth right now.”

Warm regards,

Pamela & Gerrit

So how to spin the story and tell it from the downstream point of view?

I am so excited about directing my attention toward being able to feel Love in the Eternal Now, even though the physical pain and mental torture try their best to keep me from going with the flow. I intend to feel a little better in each moment so that my Eternal Now becomes infinitely Blissful. I revel in the excitement that I feel when I think of being madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me, and how wonderful it will feel to have someone as excited to see me as I am them; who is eager to help me physically with stretches and massage and many more physical intimate pleasures, and who is eager to receive the same attention from me; who is a devoted listener and master story teller; who is my way shower and cheer leader. Now THAT is the kind of Bliss I have been placing into MY vibrational escrow, and that is where I am headed. Where are YOU headed?

Stuff like this helps me hang on.

http://eternalgodliness.punt.nl/?r=1&id=508852

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If I were not experiencing these things, this expansion of awareness, for myself, I would not share this information. This is the stuff that helps me hang on - the promise that change is on the way.

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THERE IS ONLY ONE OF US HERE.

The Rollercoaster.

I can sense the emotional rollercoaster, the frightened child who seeks approval and safety and protection and love. I noticed while slowly descending the stairs, fighting so hard to buffer the effect of each movement so as to somehow diminish the horror of each step, knowing that such is not possible. So why the continued attempt? I will never understand it. But I know that it is getting harder and harder to turn off my "flight or fight" response since I do not feel safe in my own body. I am seeing the emotional effects of this in my increased desperation to feel accepted, praised, hell you could even call it idolized on some level - to feel "special," especially in the eyes of someone that I feel is "special," and am lashing out at the cosmos and at others because I am unable to figure out how to shake the feeling of being a castaway, an outsider, a misfit, an undesirable, and all those other programmed things that contribute to my energetic leaks that are associated with trying to escape my body. Somehow these two issues are tied up in the same big ball of wax.

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So the message on Lightworker.com I saw tonight was a forecast of solar flares that will be directed at earth and will come through the holes in the magnetosphere, and that physical exposure to this will make us emotionally unstable. I am thinking, oh, great, I am already very sensitive to energy, and we are about to get blasted from the Great Central Sun. Good Grief.

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It is strange, because my awareness level just keeps rising and rising, but I am not able to make any change in my fight or flight response - you'd think that at some point I could relax into the pain and stop suffering so from its presence. That's the current hope and goal anyway.

I Promise...

...to always welcome weary travelers with open arms, even if it is inconvenient. To always joyfully welcome friends even if they are unexpected. To always be inclusive when arranging dinners out with family and/or friends. And to always be full of forgiveness and humility.

Ascension blues.

During the Full Moon at the end of April, we completed a process of burning off all remaining 3D constructs that were holding us back, and all that no longer serves us has fallen away rapidly. The problem with operating with a 4D consciousness awareness comes from having to deal with people/places/systems that are still stuck in 3D, with no clue about its illusory nature. No matter how much we want others to join us in the new space, we cannot force this issue. So, the isolation continues to grow. It is my understanding that this feeling will continue through November when we enter two new cycles of the Mayan Calendar, during which our creative abilities will line up with creation itself. I sincerely hope this is the case because the isolation part of this process is really getting me down. I so long to find the others who are now fully operating from the perspective of a higher level of awareness than the 3D one. Where One is All, All is One. Where nothing matters except the heart-centered participation in the present moment, free from ego constructs.

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Today I had my creditor's meeting at the bankruptcy court. Looks like I get to keep my washer and dryer, but not my cars. The lenders will not budge or reduce the principal amount of those loans to the current fair market value of the vehicles - and I won't agree to continue to pay the inflated prices that I was charged for them way back when credit was cheap and easy. So they can have them back.

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And Bill came down from Sacramento and specifically asked that I come over to Orange County after the hearing. So, off I went, roommate in tow, because he wanted to come see some friends also. On the way from the hearing to Bill's mom's, he called and left a message that I did not receive because I had turned off the ringer on the telephone during the hearing, and told me that they were going to dinner and would be back around 7:30. So instead, we showed up at his mom's only to find out that they were leaving in 15 minutes. I then found out that he had not contacted Michael and Jesse to inform them of all this - about me coming, etc., and Michael was not feeling well and was not up for guests, so the trip to OC was just one big bust. Mercury retrograde - communication all fucked up as usual. Whatever. We'll just try again when everyone is free and feels up to visiting, which is the only thing valued from the 4D perspective.

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The gathering this past weekend at Triangle Inn was very 3D also. People were nice enough and all, were happy to see me, but I do not have the sense from anyone, living or dead, that my presence counts. I'm not feeling the love from any direction, from any source. The more time passes when I have not had any alcohol whatsoever to drink, the more I realize that I have nothing in common with those who live their days revolving around when the next drink will be. Our priorities are just not the same. This makes me completely uninterested in trying to go socialize at bars, where the people are there because, of course, they are drinking - duh. And this makes dating much more difficult than it should be. Frankie likes to remind me that he is single also, but I am 20 years ahead of him in that department. And as long as I am going to be prohibited from feeling and hearing the heartbeat of the one I love each day and night, whoever that is, that wound is going to remain and the feeling of abandonment and isolation are going to linger, like the bad smell after heating seafood in the microwave.

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So, now that I have moved farther away from the 3D universe and all of its illusions and lies, I am looking very forward to connecting with others who are on this path of ascension. I know they are out there somewhere. But will I locate them while still in this physical body? Or am I doomed to a life of loneliness brought on by my level of awareness that reality is not what it seems to be...

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