Ascension blues.

During the Full Moon at the end of April, we completed a process of burning off all remaining 3D constructs that were holding us back, and all that no longer serves us has fallen away rapidly. The problem with operating with a 4D consciousness awareness comes from having to deal with people/places/systems that are still stuck in 3D, with no clue about its illusory nature. No matter how much we want others to join us in the new space, we cannot force this issue. So, the isolation continues to grow. It is my understanding that this feeling will continue through November when we enter two new cycles of the Mayan Calendar, during which our creative abilities will line up with creation itself. I sincerely hope this is the case because the isolation part of this process is really getting me down. I so long to find the others who are now fully operating from the perspective of a higher level of awareness than the 3D one. Where One is All, All is One. Where nothing matters except the heart-centered participation in the present moment, free from ego constructs.

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Today I had my creditor's meeting at the bankruptcy court. Looks like I get to keep my washer and dryer, but not my cars. The lenders will not budge or reduce the principal amount of those loans to the current fair market value of the vehicles - and I won't agree to continue to pay the inflated prices that I was charged for them way back when credit was cheap and easy. So they can have them back.

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And Bill came down from Sacramento and specifically asked that I come over to Orange County after the hearing. So, off I went, roommate in tow, because he wanted to come see some friends also. On the way from the hearing to Bill's mom's, he called and left a message that I did not receive because I had turned off the ringer on the telephone during the hearing, and told me that they were going to dinner and would be back around 7:30. So instead, we showed up at his mom's only to find out that they were leaving in 15 minutes. I then found out that he had not contacted Michael and Jesse to inform them of all this - about me coming, etc., and Michael was not feeling well and was not up for guests, so the trip to OC was just one big bust. Mercury retrograde - communication all fucked up as usual. Whatever. We'll just try again when everyone is free and feels up to visiting, which is the only thing valued from the 4D perspective.

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The gathering this past weekend at Triangle Inn was very 3D also. People were nice enough and all, were happy to see me, but I do not have the sense from anyone, living or dead, that my presence counts. I'm not feeling the love from any direction, from any source. The more time passes when I have not had any alcohol whatsoever to drink, the more I realize that I have nothing in common with those who live their days revolving around when the next drink will be. Our priorities are just not the same. This makes me completely uninterested in trying to go socialize at bars, where the people are there because, of course, they are drinking - duh. And this makes dating much more difficult than it should be. Frankie likes to remind me that he is single also, but I am 20 years ahead of him in that department. And as long as I am going to be prohibited from feeling and hearing the heartbeat of the one I love each day and night, whoever that is, that wound is going to remain and the feeling of abandonment and isolation are going to linger, like the bad smell after heating seafood in the microwave.

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So, now that I have moved farther away from the 3D universe and all of its illusions and lies, I am looking very forward to connecting with others who are on this path of ascension. I know they are out there somewhere. But will I locate them while still in this physical body? Or am I doomed to a life of loneliness brought on by my level of awareness that reality is not what it seems to be...

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