The Rollercoaster.

I can sense the emotional rollercoaster, the frightened child who seeks approval and safety and protection and love. I noticed while slowly descending the stairs, fighting so hard to buffer the effect of each movement so as to somehow diminish the horror of each step, knowing that such is not possible. So why the continued attempt? I will never understand it. But I know that it is getting harder and harder to turn off my "flight or fight" response since I do not feel safe in my own body. I am seeing the emotional effects of this in my increased desperation to feel accepted, praised, hell you could even call it idolized on some level - to feel "special," especially in the eyes of someone that I feel is "special," and am lashing out at the cosmos and at others because I am unable to figure out how to shake the feeling of being a castaway, an outsider, a misfit, an undesirable, and all those other programmed things that contribute to my energetic leaks that are associated with trying to escape my body. Somehow these two issues are tied up in the same big ball of wax.

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So the message on Lightworker.com I saw tonight was a forecast of solar flares that will be directed at earth and will come through the holes in the magnetosphere, and that physical exposure to this will make us emotionally unstable. I am thinking, oh, great, I am already very sensitive to energy, and we are about to get blasted from the Great Central Sun. Good Grief.

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It is strange, because my awareness level just keeps rising and rising, but I am not able to make any change in my fight or flight response - you'd think that at some point I could relax into the pain and stop suffering so from its presence. That's the current hope and goal anyway.