Might as well make best use of the eclipse and solstice, and purge the shit that the mirror is showing me.

How in the gay hell did I get here?
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How did I get to be 48 years old, disabled, alone, and dependent upon two people who probably do not want the responsibility? They may be unable to even fathom that I am so dependent upon them for support, since they are the only people I have any emotional attachment with. They did not cause that situation, so why should they be responsible for it? It is an unfair burden for them. I think that if they spent any time at all considering the issue, and if they had the time and ability to be more supportive, that surely they would do so. They love me. But, in these times on this planet, we are all taxed to the absolute maximum, and their own lives get in the way of this consideration. As all of ours do. No shame or guilt in that - we are all under the strains of the world at this time.
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I guess the problem is all in those pesky little definitions of words. When I say that I love someone, I mean exactly that, and I mean that I am there for support of any kind, any time, holding your hand or holding you in a hug while you battle your demons or just need reassurance, making sure your needs are met, etc., and so on. It is a trap for me to think that everyone who uses this word has the same definition attached to it. It is a trap that leads me to feel forgotten and less loved, but that is not necessarily true. Just because someone is unable or unwilling to attend to my emotional needs from time to time, for whatever reason, does not mean that I am less loved in any way.
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Well, at any rate, I have to find more friends and a love interest, or at least somewhere to get support. I don't have a clue how, or where, or what will make this happen, I am not the kind of person that when I walk into a room or bar, everyone flocks around me. That has not been my experience, never will be. And of course, there is the added roadblock that the mainstream gay culture has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to meet anymore gay people. They have all totally lost touch with reality, with history, with our common struggle and how we got where we are today, how to treat each other with respect, and how to form and maintain relationships. So, the focus has to be that I select activities to do and places to go that interest me, and where I might find other interested parties who happen to be gay. That's it. That's all I can do. I don't know what else to do. I mean the rest of the world seems to approach this problem by getting drunker than shit and going to a bar and starting to flirt and make out with whoever is willing. I wish I could find the courage to be that person.
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What I want is to be considered beautiful. That would make things so easy, wouldn't it. How am I going to overcome looking in the mirror and seeing Frankenstein, with this deformed body that does not work and that makes me miserable? I just refuse to believe that I am that fucking ugly, but my experience tells me so. And when I do overcome it, how am I going to find someone who I will be attracted to who will also be attracted to me?
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Really, the only way out of that spinning vortex of thought is to take another approach. Take inventory of what I have going for me, appreciate my good qualities, be thankful for the good things that I do have, and rejoice in the knowledge that I do NOT have HIV issues, addiction issues that cloud my judgment or ability to survive, abuse issues, or a whole host of other awful things. Accentuate the positive.
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That's why I do not do well in isolation. I cannot stay focused on the positive. That's why I am addicted to and dependent upon those who love me, with whom I am able to feel good about myself, and to have fun and enjoy life. That's why I crave their company and touch like heroin.
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So there you have it. I am like an addict trying to get my fix of attention from the only people who love and support me, because I am a frightened, lonely, rejected little boy who feels like the ugly duckling. Lovely.
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Well, it looks like I am a very lucky man if I have friends who love me enough to be in this state of mind and to make this journey and to try to change and improve my life, even when it is a difficult road. That is what love does. So how can I figure out how to love myself enough that I can have fun with them instead of feeling this way?

The Darkness is REALLY surfacing now.

From watching the situations of everyone's lives swirling around me, I can only comment that the darkness is lashing out trying just as hard as it can to capture as many souls as it can as we careen toward the final day of the Mayan Calendar on 10/28/2011. Since March, the entire world seems to be falling apart and human interactions are more and more chaotic and tense. From not having enough money to go around, which is pretty much a universal constant for all of us except the top 1% of the population, to relationships changing, to all sorts of situations that seem unjust and unfair, the dark side is trying its best to grab the upper hand. The final eclipse in the series of three will be on July 15th so we can expect continued chaos until then at least. There is nothing left for us to do except follow our hearts and accept the consequences of our decisions, and to seek the guidance of our highest selves. To be loving and forgiving while not allowing our boundaries to be violated. What do we want to create? What do we want for ourselves? How does that fit in with the highest good for all concerned? Are our decisions based upon good, solid factual reality or some version of some fantasy in our heads? We must consider all of these things carefully, because we have to endure the consequences whether or not we make good choices. Nobody can save us except ourselves!
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All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by people who actually love each other and who get along, after being raised in a family where neither was present. It is still what I cherish and desire. I remain optimistic that love can solve any problem, can right any wrong. I hope that someday that humanity will choose love instead of all this other stuff.
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So, anyone feeling the urge to leave the planet, know that it is easy to feel that vibe right now during all the chaos, but that the urge will pass sooner than usual on this oscillation. Just hang on tight. No jumping in front of traffic please, Marcus. Although I totally get it that you want to. I totally get it.

This is not humane.

Spoiler: graphic language ahead.

This is not humane.

I need a husband coming home at night.

I need someone to write love notes to.

I need someone to talk to.

I need someone to send me nasty little texts or whispers into the telephone about how much he misses me and what he is going to do to prove it when he gets home.

I need a husband who loves to just sit and hold the head of my cock in his mouth.

I do appreciate having my puppy dog to hold and pet, but damn. I am thinking skin would be much better to lick. And I so seriously would.

I really hope that something better happens for me soon.

This is not humane.