Might as well make best use of the eclipse and solstice, and purge the shit that the mirror is showing me.

How in the gay hell did I get here?
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How did I get to be 48 years old, disabled, alone, and dependent upon two people who probably do not want the responsibility? They may be unable to even fathom that I am so dependent upon them for support, since they are the only people I have any emotional attachment with. They did not cause that situation, so why should they be responsible for it? It is an unfair burden for them. I think that if they spent any time at all considering the issue, and if they had the time and ability to be more supportive, that surely they would do so. They love me. But, in these times on this planet, we are all taxed to the absolute maximum, and their own lives get in the way of this consideration. As all of ours do. No shame or guilt in that - we are all under the strains of the world at this time.
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I guess the problem is all in those pesky little definitions of words. When I say that I love someone, I mean exactly that, and I mean that I am there for support of any kind, any time, holding your hand or holding you in a hug while you battle your demons or just need reassurance, making sure your needs are met, etc., and so on. It is a trap for me to think that everyone who uses this word has the same definition attached to it. It is a trap that leads me to feel forgotten and less loved, but that is not necessarily true. Just because someone is unable or unwilling to attend to my emotional needs from time to time, for whatever reason, does not mean that I am less loved in any way.
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Well, at any rate, I have to find more friends and a love interest, or at least somewhere to get support. I don't have a clue how, or where, or what will make this happen, I am not the kind of person that when I walk into a room or bar, everyone flocks around me. That has not been my experience, never will be. And of course, there is the added roadblock that the mainstream gay culture has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to meet anymore gay people. They have all totally lost touch with reality, with history, with our common struggle and how we got where we are today, how to treat each other with respect, and how to form and maintain relationships. So, the focus has to be that I select activities to do and places to go that interest me, and where I might find other interested parties who happen to be gay. That's it. That's all I can do. I don't know what else to do. I mean the rest of the world seems to approach this problem by getting drunker than shit and going to a bar and starting to flirt and make out with whoever is willing. I wish I could find the courage to be that person.
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What I want is to be considered beautiful. That would make things so easy, wouldn't it. How am I going to overcome looking in the mirror and seeing Frankenstein, with this deformed body that does not work and that makes me miserable? I just refuse to believe that I am that fucking ugly, but my experience tells me so. And when I do overcome it, how am I going to find someone who I will be attracted to who will also be attracted to me?
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Really, the only way out of that spinning vortex of thought is to take another approach. Take inventory of what I have going for me, appreciate my good qualities, be thankful for the good things that I do have, and rejoice in the knowledge that I do NOT have HIV issues, addiction issues that cloud my judgment or ability to survive, abuse issues, or a whole host of other awful things. Accentuate the positive.
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That's why I do not do well in isolation. I cannot stay focused on the positive. That's why I am addicted to and dependent upon those who love me, with whom I am able to feel good about myself, and to have fun and enjoy life. That's why I crave their company and touch like heroin.
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So there you have it. I am like an addict trying to get my fix of attention from the only people who love and support me, because I am a frightened, lonely, rejected little boy who feels like the ugly duckling. Lovely.
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Well, it looks like I am a very lucky man if I have friends who love me enough to be in this state of mind and to make this journey and to try to change and improve my life, even when it is a difficult road. That is what love does. So how can I figure out how to love myself enough that I can have fun with them instead of feeling this way?