Here are the thoughts I wrote down.

My sister has provoked me to rage as long as I can remember. There was an incident when we were 2 or 3 when living on Aloha Drive when she was chasing me and I was trying to get away from her and I slammed a door between us that went from the garage to the patio – not a solid door, a pressed wood hollow door – anyway, her pinky was caught if I remember correctly, and smashed pretty good, enough for a trip to the E.R. Our relationship changed. Again, I do not even remember anything before that, except that at some point, I felt so guilty for inflicting this pain onto her. I just remember that I spent my entire childhood trying to hide from her and get away from her. I felt constantly judged by her – which is interesting because as a teen and adult, all she does is constantly complain about being judged when really these things do not enter my mind or my mother’s mind – she sees us as ganged up on her. It did not stop there. She continued and continues to provoke me to rage into adulthood, as evidenced on the weekend. I have never put 2 and 2 together before, about the relationship between this behavior pattern, and my severe lifelong depression, until now, and I am only able to do so by the immediate and severe depression relapse that ensued. The depression is the response to the absolute rage, such rage that I could MURDER - it's as though my body then shuts down in an attempt to counteract the rage.

I was jealous of her beauty and ease in obtaining affection in dating, and from an early age I might add, because my homosexuality provided no method for obtaining this for myself. I was jealous that she dated some of my friends, on whom I had the worst crushes ever. I can see how this might be interpreted as my judgment of her, even though judgment was not the actual basis of the difficulty in our relationship, but rather, that I felt so unable to obtain affection (which continues to this day).

She provoked me to rage as a general rule – as though it was her “duty.” The last time was when her kids were little and I offered my opinion about some facet of their upbringing that I would do differently – and that was the last time I ever made that mistake. I was relieved that she was no longer speaking to me because I was free from her provocations.

She flipped out when the kids were little and they were all dependent on her and she had no support. She resents them for that reason. She feels worthless.

Stick it up your butt. People in my family were always saying, "Stick it up your butt" or that they were going to "stick it up your butt. A common saying. Where did this come from? Instills fear – my guess is from church.

Had fear of getting caught masturbating at a very early age (4 or 5). There is a right time and a wrong time, remember this message repeatedly told – even in high school some poor kid was shamed after being caught jacking off in the team shower room in a stall I believe. Grown ups do nothing when kids taunt “fag” because basically, the prevailing school of thought is that God Hates Fags, so they do not rock the boat. So it’s ok to bully gays. So yeah I have at least some level of deep-seated masturbation guilt that was directly instilled by the church. Bastards!

Church created the avenues to sin and supports our efforts. They gotta keep control and keep their 10% tithe flowing to them. LOL! What was adultery before the concept of marriage? Nothing. What was lust before the church separated men from women, and we lost our innate understanding of each other?

Judgment from church people of smokers, which seemed hypocritical, since most everybody gets a horrible death anyway.

The wall created between men and women back when they were separated in school has meant that most men and most women do not have their innate connection to each other intact, which means that their relationships lack the spiritual expansion, so now the children cannot see it, which is how it was then bred out of humanity, generation after generation.

They control the school curriculum, with the one exception of evolution being taught in schools. As long as this is the hot topic of debate, our attention is diverted from the fact that they control every other aspect of the curriculum and prevailing wisdom (right-wing fanatical).

Children inherently see through the holes in the adults’ arguments about why things are the way that they are, and understand that what the adults are portraying as being the “rules” are not necessarily adhered to be everyone. I think this is the basis of my own fear issues and safety issues, because I was thought I was being deliberately lied to. But now I see that the adults sincerely held the belief systems as true, so they did not think they were lying.

I remember very carefully screening everyone from an early age, had to make sure that they were as empathetic as I was before opening up completely to them. I perceived a level of awareness that was very high, and had to protect myself from those who were not able to understand that they have the ability to understand every single emotion available to humans. Some people are not aware of this, and so they go along unintentionally inflicting pain on others.

So in my whole growing up, there was no outlet whatsoever for gay tendencies, no opportunity to date, perceived isolation from adults who rejected me because I was gay, and so the only interaction I had that was peaceful, joyful, and accepting, occurred when I was hidden, alone, masturbating. So - there seems to be the root of my desire for a partner. I long ago lost all reason to believe that I could get my needs met anywhere in the “real world,” due to my experiences growing up and later in the "gay community" (try walking into a gay bar or bath house as the skinny, disabled guy with no muscles and see how far you get). I no longer allow myself to even experiment and see if I could get my needs met in the “real world” or "gay community," which limits me to my fantasies, and my ideal version of finding a mate, as being the only times when I am even remotely getting my needs met. How do I correct this I am not sure; maybe I am not supposed to do anything, other than witness it and shine light on it. Dunno – the misery is still there, believe me. But, since I think there is nothing left that can hurt me any worse than I have been already, maybe I can venture out into the world and give it a try again. My luck with personal ads and dating websites has always been abysmal.