"Without other people you wouldn't know how beautiful you are... the only eyes you cannot see are your own... yet you see them everytime you are reflected in another you."
That's why it feels as though I am looking at myself when I see you, through the eyes of this other costume that I wear named Dave.
A beautiful song that I first heard tonight, where the singer is begging to "love you over and over again, to find the broken pieces..." (of her heart/self/soul).
So, a simple thank you to those who help me with the seemingly endless task of finding my broken pieces. Apparently, they are all over the place LOL!
I AM the luckiest man alive.
No kidding.
And I am very grateful.
Even though I am feeling very broken these days, and very broken-hearted.
I just want to feel good again someday.
I want to live and laugh and love, not hurt and toss and turn, and have to try to escape being in my body all the time.
The past few days have been a bit of a rollercoaster, as ascension tends to be, as we get closer and closer to our authentic selves. Each time we get skilled at operating a a new level of joy, the oscillation returns, giving us an opportunity to purge ever more of the programming that holds us back from our natural State of Bliss. My personal purge this week involved recognizing some feelings that are like abandonment fears, sort of. It is actually rooted in childhood, when my feelings were always discounted, and when I was not allowed to express my feelings. Then, moving into adulthood and always being single, this grew into having no one to express my feelings to. Now that I am fortunate enough to have amazing friends and a new love interest, the fear arose that I might one day not have them anymore. YIKES! That was awful, and I am so glad I get to be aware of this now and work it out of my consciousness.
Therapy is no substitute for the clear mirror that loving relationships provide, which I constantly tell those who love me. Inching ever away from separation consciousness -
The current round of ascension clearing is BRUTAL, and is forcing us to look or core fears in the eye. REMEMBER, THERE IS NO SEPARATION - REMEMBER THAT WE ARE LOVE, AND THAT WE MUST LOVE EACH OTHER UNCONDITIONALLY - BY DOING THIS, WE CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING.
I was fortunate enough to see "Milk" this weekend. It was superb. I asked a friend what it must have been like to live in those days, at that time, in that place, free from the fear of having sex and of contracting disease. I was surprised how fast the answer came, and how brutal it was. I would have had my heart broken. Over, and over again.
Angel Chuck woke me up to tell me that he had left his shoes here. Angel Raffy Chan, asian man, came and got the old furniture today to make room for the new. Angel Howie helped him, but we learned that Angel Howie fucked up his knee at work and he is probably going to have surgery - so he and I can sit and be surgical bitches together LOL. I finished DVD 6 of Journey to the Infinite. I like it a lot. I got rid of my headace, but only after I pooped green. WTF? I finally broke down and bought Claritin-D because part of the headache is sinus pressure.
.
Angel Dale came home from a trip and promptly went to bed so he can take care of me this weekend. Angel Jesse came home from a trip too, and he and Angel Michael were snuggling up in hibernation downstairs. I took an evening nap, and awoke from a very lucid dream, wherein Angel Michael was snuggled up around me as though he was protecting me, in a big white fluffy quilt or something. He is one of my guardian angels, always with me, but the lifelike quality of the dream made it a bit unnerving to awaken and find him not there. (A core fear - that I lose him, or any of my angels).
.
Since I was flying solo, I decided to go to the Tin Lizzie, but it was so full of 20-somethings I immediately gave that up. Angel Alexa called an I went to take her to buy an enema bag like the one I got in Palm Springs, since she suffers with plugged-up guts like I do. She got me some candles and stuff for Christmas and made me open them on the spot.
Angel Howie turned on my iTunes and this song popped up - and how perfect.
..
All of my angels have to know - there it is - my core fear - that I will lose you.
.
I would die without you.
.
I invite and desire each of you to dance with me, and rest your head on my shoulder, as we sink into this BEAUTIFUL song.
.
Is it my turn to wish you were lying here.
I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping.
Is it my turn to fictionalize my world.
Or even imagine your emotions.
I tell myself anything...
.
Is it my turn to hold you by your hands.
Tell you I love you and you not hear me...
Is it my turn to totally understand.
To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing...
.
(chorus)
If I have to give away...
The feeling that I feel.
If I have to sacrifice...
Oh, whatever babe, whatever baby.
If I have to take apart...
All that I am...
Is there anything that I would not do, cause inside
I'd die without you...
.
Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done.
But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning...
Is it my turn to be the one to cry.
Isn't it amazing how some things just completely turn around...
