New Year indeed.

Was showered with compliments on my living space. It's really no big deal. Once I decided the best layout for the furniture in the main room, the rest came easy. It's about removing clutter and keeping the place clean, which is not so hard since I don't make a big mess anyway.

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Confusion arose when one friend voiced that he would "love to live this life." I know that he was referring to my living space, and maybe the surrounding town, not too sure about what exactly he meant by "this life," since he did not itemize. I agree, having a beautiful and clean home is wonderful - but there is only so much solace that "stuff" can provide. Living in a castle would be nice, too. But the echo of the empty walls and deafening silence would only confirm the emptiness of the place. So yeah, I am trying to wrap my mind around what it is that he meant by saying that he would love to live "this life." What about the parts that are not so nice? Being on a fixed income, having to make choices that limit the amount of medical care and physical therapy I receive because of budgeting? What about the complete and total isolation? I do not have the money to be running around town. I am allotted two tanks of gas per month, and that totals almost $90 bucks as it is. I am trying to DECREASE my spending, not INCREASE it. When I DO go out in public, I am not at all received in the same way that he is. People's pursuit of beauty is discriminating like that. I wonder if he would be willing to trade places, and to come live this life, here in my house, alone, by himself, day after day after day after day after day? Married people have no clue what real life is like. Whatever. I am tired of trying to get my point across to people who refuse to hear.

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I am so surprised to hear gangsta Will from Desert Hot Springs tell me that I am the best friend he ever had. All I did was treat him like a regular person. It saddens me that others do not treat him like a regular person. Is it because of his race? His persona? His habits and mannerisms? Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. I am happy for him and value his friendship.

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I am really surprised that both OC boys miss having me in close proximity so much. I would never have guessed that in a million years. Clearly my influence upon them is good. I will support them however I can, but I cannot make their choices for them, and I cannot be pulled into the drama. If their relationship is not of the spiritual nature that I envision for myself, there is nothing I can do about it. I am so pleased that I had the good sense to remove myself from the situation. There was a time when Michael especially had his emotional hooks into me so heavily that I would have actually contemplated killing myself upon hearing what he had to say to me this weekend. Especially after the months and months and months of his refusal to support me during my severe loneliness, and of witholding even platonic affection, because it was "inappropriate." Really? I am glad I no longer depend upon him for validation, affection, or assistance with the despair that comes with my state of isolation. I would have drowned in my own tears. Amazingly, he perceives my mad love for him as judgment. Jesse is doing SO WELL at turning his ship around. I hope that he is able to get Michael to do the same. I don't think I could bear to lose either of them, and that's what is coming if he does not get his shit straight. At least I was able to offer them a beautiful, relaxing place to be this New Year's Eve. That pleases me. Maybe they will decide to come back soon and relax and enjoy the quiet again.

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Chuck and Anda seemed to enjoy themselves too. They even spoke of making New Year's Eve in the desert a tradition. That would be fun, huh? But then I could never invite Craig to attend. Or Howie and Marlene. Marlene's father died day before yesterday, I hope she is doing OK.

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Note to self: burning almost 100 tea lights with no open windows makes for particulate pollution irritation of the nasal passages. Must keep upstairs windows open for air flow if candles are burning. God! I hate hot pepper sinuses.

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Marcus did not accept my invitation for New Year's Eve. I suppose that is all the proof I need to know that he is not emotionally available for dating, which he has verbalized before, so it is time for me to accept his friendship as it is and move on and stop pursuing his affection. Which leaves me at square one. Still alone.

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So it is a New Year how, exactly? Oh yeah, I don't give a flying shit about whether I am single or not anymore. After all, I have the perfect life in the HGTV desert house. Right? LOL! Ugh.