More Ascension Blues.

I have been releasing some deep toxic slime and cellular level memories and other garbage. Which is a good thing. I have come to understand why I have nothing in common with other gay men and why I do not get along with them and why I cannot find a partner. I embody the Divine Feminine in both my personality and my higher self. I am all about nurturing, togetherness, relationships, and all the other delicious things that the Divine Feminine represents. Gay men, as a whole, have rejected all things feminine. So, they have therefore rejected me. And I them.

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While this is somewhat comforting, to know the actual reason for my status of being a social outcast, it is very troubling on another level. Since I so desired to have a loving partner, a relationship, and since I had so much invested in finding that for myself so that I could have the comforts of sexuality and relationship, I still find myself totally lost since I have no Plan B. Even though I understand on an intellectual level why I am in this situation, and no longer feel as though something is "wrong" with me, it is still very disappointing and saddens me greatly.

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All I can do is continue to hold the energy of the Ascension, continue to honor the Divine Feminine within my own nature, and watch from the sidelines as the world self-destructs as we move into the Age of Aquarius. I finally know that there is nothing on this earth for me. I came here to assist with the transformation of the planet. Yes, I mourn and I yearn for Home. I despise being alone without a partner, but I understand that my role on earth means that I might never find one.

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At least the financial difficulty from the surgery/retirement/move/bankruptcy has settled down now, and the bills are paid and the refrigerator is full. And I got weed. At least I can watch the world self-destruct from the sidelines in relative comfort. I just wish it did not have to be in isolation.

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I'm going to help out my mom for a number of months in order to keep the bank from getting her house and all the cash that was put into it. That is my fucking inheritance we are talking about. After that, I am free to go wherever I want to go, although nowhere in the Unites States appeals to me. I have to find the place, the country, where there is a gay community where relationships are fostered and where there are others who embody the Divine Feminine. I know I am not the only one. And that is the only reason I would move. There is no reason to uproot myself again and go somewhere else and still be in isolation just like I am here. I like the weather here. I want a house with a pool. I can probably get that here next year for cheap. I just did not envision myself living out my retirement years in isolation. What a shock to the system.