Reconnection.

I readily admit that I have allowed my train to derail lately. I haven't been taking care of myself. I am not eating. Nothing seems to console me. I get lost in the endless hours and days and weeks of the never ending battle with pain, and the last thing I need is the very thing I have the most of - too much time alone in my head. Today Michael called me and helped to set my train back upright on the tracks, for which I am very thankful. It was the first time in a long, long time that I felt as though we were connected. And even though we have talked about it a million times or more, and even though he doesn't "get it" that I feel so totally isolated from the world, it doesn't matter. He was there for me, again, and I am thankful. He has this way of grounding me that I haven't been able to master on my own yet, and I miss our interactions very much.

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I wonder if I will ever be able to feel that sense of belonging without any assistance. Maybe someday. It certainly is a big huge part of the fantasy I have about having a loving partner, who is there for me on a daily basis to make me feel that I belong - that I matter to someone.

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He said he had been very anxious all weekend, and even still into today. I just hate that, and I wish I knew what it was about, or how I could help, or how I could direct him to a way to make that disappear from his mental process. The fact that he and Jesse both suffer with this and that I am helpless about it is just another of the many disappointments that come from being alive. We are bombarded daily with reason after reason after reason to be disappointed in things, in life, in ourselves, in God, in "the way things are." And our challenge is, in the face of all those disappointments, to find our happy center anyway. To accept.

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On the first call he woke me up, and shortly let me go. On the second call, he wanted to know if I had gotten up yet, which of course I had not, and he wanted to know why not. He said he wanted to be talking to me while I was out in the sunshine. I protested that it was just too hot. He asked why don't I turn on the misters. So, I dragged my weak, dizzy ass up and went outside to have a smoke while we talked and turned on the misters. The sun was quite hot, but the misters kissed my skin with a delicious coolness that I have not felt in many weeks. One of the simplest pleasures that I had given up even trying, because of being lost in the mental maze that tells me that I will never ever find my way out, and that I will never be comfortable again in my own body, that I will never be happy, that I will never find love or understanding. So just because of his call to find out what was happening with me, he prompted me to do the simplest thing for myself that helped reawaken my senses, to become more grounded, to appreciate the sensual nature of the contrast between the hot sunshine and the cool mist on my body.

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His concern was genuine, his presence was heartfelt. No wonder I am crazy about him.

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Later I went for a nice sit-down meal at a local restaurant. I plan to go to the store tomorrow to get fruit and vegetables to juice so that I can strengthen my body and immune system and begin to repair my health and mental state. I feel better now. It's going to be OK. I still intend, after all these years, to find and to have someone as sexy as he is here with me, loving me, every day, so that I can have the comfort that such a connection brings. Until then, I can drag my naked ass outside to lie on the chaise lounge under the bright sunshine and cool misters, and love every moment of it.

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Meanwhile, I am thankful for my friends.