Who AM I?

What am I DOING here?

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I did not work my way through college, which took ten years, and finance it with loans that took fifteen years to repay, because it was FUN. I did it because I was told that I needed an education in order to be a worthy citizen and proper and desirable mate - I did it to ensure that I would find a partner.

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I did not continue working in a career that I hated for almost 15 years because it was FUN, I did it in order to gain security and to be able to pay my way and to have stability, all things that would be valuable in my search for a partner.

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I did not move to San Francisco because I thought it would be FUN, I moved there because I thought I would finally meet thousands of other boys, just like me, who wanted a partner.

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I retired to Palm Springs because I like the weather here, and because I thought I would meet lots of other friends who also like the weather, and that I might find a partner.

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All of which has been a colossal failure. No partner.

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Who AM I? What would my life be like if I had not been motivated by finding my other half? What will it be like now that I have to accept the fact that I don't have a partner and will likely never have a partner? What is it that I want to do with myself? What pleases me and gives me happiness? I am not sure that I even know the answers. Do I even want to continue to exist in this reality with no partner? I can't find comfort no matter where I look, and always thought that I might find comfort by having a partner to rub and massage my aching body, to hold me in his warm arms, to touch my skin to divert pain signals, to shop and cook and eat good food all the time, things I am unable to do by myself. And of course to have a tantric and sensual sexual relationship.

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I have always thought of myself as half of a couple that has just not found each other yet. Now that I have to face the fact that I am *not* half of a couple, what do I do now? The fantasy of finding love is just that - a fantasy! I have to begin living in the real world and stop deluding myself. But in order to do that, I have to unlearn everything I ever learned about who I thought I was and who I intended to become.

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My God. If being alive and awake is uncomfortable, and if I cannot find comfort no matter where I look, and if I can no longer find comfort in the delusion that I might find my other half someday, what's left?

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What's left.