Who AM I?

What am I DOING here?

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I did not work my way through college, which took ten years, and finance it with loans that took fifteen years to repay, because it was FUN. I did it because I was told that I needed an education in order to be a worthy citizen and proper and desirable mate - I did it to ensure that I would find a partner.

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I did not continue working in a career that I hated for almost 15 years because it was FUN, I did it in order to gain security and to be able to pay my way and to have stability, all things that would be valuable in my search for a partner.

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I did not move to San Francisco because I thought it would be FUN, I moved there because I thought I would finally meet thousands of other boys, just like me, who wanted a partner.

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I retired to Palm Springs because I like the weather here, and because I thought I would meet lots of other friends who also like the weather, and that I might find a partner.

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All of which has been a colossal failure. No partner.

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Who AM I? What would my life be like if I had not been motivated by finding my other half? What will it be like now that I have to accept the fact that I don't have a partner and will likely never have a partner? What is it that I want to do with myself? What pleases me and gives me happiness? I am not sure that I even know the answers. Do I even want to continue to exist in this reality with no partner? I can't find comfort no matter where I look, and always thought that I might find comfort by having a partner to rub and massage my aching body, to hold me in his warm arms, to touch my skin to divert pain signals, to shop and cook and eat good food all the time, things I am unable to do by myself. And of course to have a tantric and sensual sexual relationship.

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I have always thought of myself as half of a couple that has just not found each other yet. Now that I have to face the fact that I am *not* half of a couple, what do I do now? The fantasy of finding love is just that - a fantasy! I have to begin living in the real world and stop deluding myself. But in order to do that, I have to unlearn everything I ever learned about who I thought I was and who I intended to become.

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My God. If being alive and awake is uncomfortable, and if I cannot find comfort no matter where I look, and if I can no longer find comfort in the delusion that I might find my other half someday, what's left?

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What's left.

More Ascension Blues.

I have been releasing some deep toxic slime and cellular level memories and other garbage. Which is a good thing. I have come to understand why I have nothing in common with other gay men and why I do not get along with them and why I cannot find a partner. I embody the Divine Feminine in both my personality and my higher self. I am all about nurturing, togetherness, relationships, and all the other delicious things that the Divine Feminine represents. Gay men, as a whole, have rejected all things feminine. So, they have therefore rejected me. And I them.

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While this is somewhat comforting, to know the actual reason for my status of being a social outcast, it is very troubling on another level. Since I so desired to have a loving partner, a relationship, and since I had so much invested in finding that for myself so that I could have the comforts of sexuality and relationship, I still find myself totally lost since I have no Plan B. Even though I understand on an intellectual level why I am in this situation, and no longer feel as though something is "wrong" with me, it is still very disappointing and saddens me greatly.

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All I can do is continue to hold the energy of the Ascension, continue to honor the Divine Feminine within my own nature, and watch from the sidelines as the world self-destructs as we move into the Age of Aquarius. I finally know that there is nothing on this earth for me. I came here to assist with the transformation of the planet. Yes, I mourn and I yearn for Home. I despise being alone without a partner, but I understand that my role on earth means that I might never find one.

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At least the financial difficulty from the surgery/retirement/move/bankruptcy has settled down now, and the bills are paid and the refrigerator is full. And I got weed. At least I can watch the world self-destruct from the sidelines in relative comfort. I just wish it did not have to be in isolation.

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I'm going to help out my mom for a number of months in order to keep the bank from getting her house and all the cash that was put into it. That is my fucking inheritance we are talking about. After that, I am free to go wherever I want to go, although nowhere in the Unites States appeals to me. I have to find the place, the country, where there is a gay community where relationships are fostered and where there are others who embody the Divine Feminine. I know I am not the only one. And that is the only reason I would move. There is no reason to uproot myself again and go somewhere else and still be in isolation just like I am here. I like the weather here. I want a house with a pool. I can probably get that here next year for cheap. I just did not envision myself living out my retirement years in isolation. What a shock to the system.

Gay Rights.

At first, the filibuster in the Senate today, led by John McCain, just frosted my balls. They are SO FUCKING PISSED that Judge Walker ruled Prop 8 unconstitutional, and now Don't Ask Don't Tell has also been ruled to be the same, that they are going to obstruct all the way to the Supreme Court and beyond. What a colossal waste of time and energy.

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So, what I have realized about gay rights, minority rights, civil rights, etc., is that while most certainly we want to oppose to discrimination of any kind, the idea of getting all bent out of shape is just a complete waste. We have to simply refuse to allow those people into our reality any longer. We have to exclude racists and bigots, and be ready to call them out on their shit and stand our ground rather than just get incensed and drawn into the schoolyard bully fights. There are hungry people on this shit hole of a planet, and all the warring over the diverse nature of sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with why we came to this planet. That is not how we handle things in the higher realms, and as we move forward into ascension and better anchor our higher selves into our bodies, we will simply refuse to participate in that drama any longer. How utterly tiresome. Mother Earth desires that we raise our frequency, but in fact is going to raise hers whether we want to or not. It's time to shit or get off the pot. The ship is sailing. The rapture is here. Only it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the garbage spit out by todays' evangelical Christian Reformation. Oh. Boy. Yeah, basically, religion of the nature we have now on earth just are not going to be a part of the New Earth. All is One, One is All. It is that simple.

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And, generally speaking, we to revisit Herman Melville's and other colonial authors' accounts of the Puritanical moralizing, and its destruction of individuals and communities. It is time to review the Dark Ages, when the world was ruled by Christianity. Do we REALLY want to go back there? OF COURSE NOT. And what better way to avoid it than to simply refuse to allow it to exist. Push it out to the sides of our society, bit by bit, continue to scorn and embarrass those who perpetrate racism and sexism and bigotry of all kinds, until they are squeezed into a corner like the Mormons were squeezed into Utah. Too bad they did not stay there.

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So yeah, I am not going to sweat it anymore. The law is on our side, the Jesus freaks are going to come unglued, but that cannot keep us from claiming our human rights and extending them to all who we encounter. They can kick and scream and obstruct all they want, and they will. By refusing to engage in the dialogue, by refusing to give them any acknowledgement other than to say that they are rude, and if that does not work that they are insane for still living in that paradigm, and to go ahead and claim our full standing as citizens, they will be marginalized quickly. We need a national campaign to join a group whose sole purpose is to say that we identify ourselves as intolerant of discrimination of any kind. With a logo and a bumper sticker. And a t-shirt. And hat. Let's just embarrass them to death.

How much do I harp on the necessity of hugs...

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/09/14/mother-saves-baby-that-doctors-left-for-dead.aspx

Reconnection.

I readily admit that I have allowed my train to derail lately. I haven't been taking care of myself. I am not eating. Nothing seems to console me. I get lost in the endless hours and days and weeks of the never ending battle with pain, and the last thing I need is the very thing I have the most of - too much time alone in my head. Today Michael called me and helped to set my train back upright on the tracks, for which I am very thankful. It was the first time in a long, long time that I felt as though we were connected. And even though we have talked about it a million times or more, and even though he doesn't "get it" that I feel so totally isolated from the world, it doesn't matter. He was there for me, again, and I am thankful. He has this way of grounding me that I haven't been able to master on my own yet, and I miss our interactions very much.

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I wonder if I will ever be able to feel that sense of belonging without any assistance. Maybe someday. It certainly is a big huge part of the fantasy I have about having a loving partner, who is there for me on a daily basis to make me feel that I belong - that I matter to someone.

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He said he had been very anxious all weekend, and even still into today. I just hate that, and I wish I knew what it was about, or how I could help, or how I could direct him to a way to make that disappear from his mental process. The fact that he and Jesse both suffer with this and that I am helpless about it is just another of the many disappointments that come from being alive. We are bombarded daily with reason after reason after reason to be disappointed in things, in life, in ourselves, in God, in "the way things are." And our challenge is, in the face of all those disappointments, to find our happy center anyway. To accept.

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On the first call he woke me up, and shortly let me go. On the second call, he wanted to know if I had gotten up yet, which of course I had not, and he wanted to know why not. He said he wanted to be talking to me while I was out in the sunshine. I protested that it was just too hot. He asked why don't I turn on the misters. So, I dragged my weak, dizzy ass up and went outside to have a smoke while we talked and turned on the misters. The sun was quite hot, but the misters kissed my skin with a delicious coolness that I have not felt in many weeks. One of the simplest pleasures that I had given up even trying, because of being lost in the mental maze that tells me that I will never ever find my way out, and that I will never be comfortable again in my own body, that I will never be happy, that I will never find love or understanding. So just because of his call to find out what was happening with me, he prompted me to do the simplest thing for myself that helped reawaken my senses, to become more grounded, to appreciate the sensual nature of the contrast between the hot sunshine and the cool mist on my body.

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His concern was genuine, his presence was heartfelt. No wonder I am crazy about him.

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Later I went for a nice sit-down meal at a local restaurant. I plan to go to the store tomorrow to get fruit and vegetables to juice so that I can strengthen my body and immune system and begin to repair my health and mental state. I feel better now. It's going to be OK. I still intend, after all these years, to find and to have someone as sexy as he is here with me, loving me, every day, so that I can have the comfort that such a connection brings. Until then, I can drag my naked ass outside to lie on the chaise lounge under the bright sunshine and cool misters, and love every moment of it.

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Meanwhile, I am thankful for my friends.