Suburban North Texas. Driving out of the city was like going backward in time. Very predominately progressive Christian, with the heard line of the worst of the Right-wing hanging delicately in the background, not spoken about in polite company. Straight, married folks with 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat, and a white picket fence. From the first rattle out of the box, I never belonged here, anywhere, and togetherness was something I always wanted to experience. You know, having a best friend and later lover with a big heart, a childlike look on the world, innocent, happy, and fun-loving, going everywhere together, holding hands, and all that wonderful mushy stuff. So, why, then, did I land at birth into the environment I did when I was a gay, somewhat androgynous, progressive, Unity Conscious, completely aware of my connection to a higher plane, where I would absolutely not be able to find togetherness?
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As the years went on and I became lost behind the veil of forgetfulness that finally separates us in the end from our truest selves, and when ego took control of me, my identity was formed in relationship to this absent togetherness factor. I became unable to enjoy my own company because ultimately I always ended up there, with myself, by myself, sidelined, outcast, unimportant, shut-out, dropped-off...
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Then came driving. What was that song in the late seventies that was so outer space, called Cars, and it was about living in the insane society and described my relationship between me and my car exactly as I experienced it - a refuge, the only comfortable place to be, just another person in the ocean of cars that were everywhere, as far as the eye could see, filling the freeways rusing around like blood cells in an artery, or like electric signals in a nerve, where it was safe to engage with the "collective" mindset. Anonymously.
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Ultimately I was never able to drive myself to any location where I was able to find anyone to befriend and have this togetherness experience, and I lost interest with automobiles altogether. This made it possible for me to be able to decide to move to San Francisco when the opportunity landed in my lap, because I knew I would be using the trains and buses and streetcars and such to get around, and would have to actually interact with people. Well.
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While very eye-opening and educational, I cannot say that the intense interaction of living in a major walking city was successful for me. I wonder if it would now that I have evolved so much more than when I lived there.
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So, Southern California felt just like home, back on the freeway, zipping along with all the others, anonymous, safe. Alone. Togetherness not only stayed elusive, but also became less and less of a real possibility as the people became more and more crazy the longer I lived there. I had returned to square one, after being unable to drive myself to any location where I found togetherness, after now having been unable to fly myself to any location where I found togetherness. So. I suppose having all this time on my hands naturally led me to stop running away from myself, and to stop and take a look at what it was that I was running so hard from, to try to ultimately find out what it was it that was chasing me to this togetherness, although I did not know that was the purpose when the journey began.
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I had a reprieve from the hard-core loneliness blues during about the past 3 years, while living in the semi-communal situation with the boys and Howie and Marlene. That was the first time since my teenage years or maybe a little bit in my 20's and early 30's, but not as close as the past three years, that I had such relationships available to me. It was incredible. It just makes me want more and more the togetherness that I have longed for since the first instant I was aware I was separate from Source and living in a very strange new place indeed.
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So.
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Back to the task at hand, namely, taking a good look around inside at what it is that makes me have this drive, what makes it so elusive, why my experience of romance without another half is so painful. I'd never say a bad thing about my short dating experience last year, although it did not turn out to be what I envisioned for myself, and he turned out not to be the one for me. I was not feeling the romance vibe that my soul craved, and still craves, so I am determined to find out what is going on, what is the meaning of this, what is the past-life story, or soul agreement issue, or karma, or whatever it is, so that at least I can understand my position, since it frustrates the complete shit out of me and in fact I will never ever accept my position, without togetherness. I just won't! (Sounds like the next topic for taking up therapy, do you agree?).
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Now, the paradox is that the external reality is simply a reflection of what's going on inside. So, I am completely responsible for my lack of the experience of togetherness. I haven't met him yet. Well, I have met some close calls, but none of them have been available to me in this way. So yes, I get that I have chosen this route as opposed to simply dating whoever comes along to spend time with them, maybe for more than a short while, and to eventually move on to the next love interest, as it was played out all around me by the gay guys who were playing the Soul Mate game. So many are just fooling themselves and are in love with the idea of being in love rather than truly in love with the person they have chosen. It is always doomed. And even those who do have a genuine, sincere, soul-mate kind of togetherness are bombarded with obstacles for making relationships work, that many of them don;t make it either, when they could have or should have.
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So, for some reason I perceive that I have never met many others who were playing the same game of togetherness that I am, who want intimacy on all levels, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual. Sometimes I think I see them, but then it turns out that no, they are not on the same plane as I am, not at my state of evolution, whether than be higher or lower is of no significance, not on my wavelength is my favorite way of putting it. Where are they? I read about them, and I read books and articles by other people who are on my same wavelength, butI don't see or meet them usually. WTF? Why? Am I hiding? Am I not digging hard enough or not going where they are? Where are they? I promise you, "bars" is not the answer to this question. Church is not the answer to this question, although it is usually a little bit better than a bar. But you see the same folks at church that you saw out whoring last night, so it's just a little bit better, not a lot.
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So, where are they and what are they doing. This is my next investigative effort.
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