Breakthrough in Therapy today!

As I continue to try to make sense of this crazy life, to try to make my way through the maze that is my mind, once in a while I have a great breakthrough. Today's came during my therapy session.

It seems that the underlying issue which creates my misery about singledom, is that I feel that I am somehow devalued as a single person, and that I will not have value until I am partnered.

Let's pick this apart a bit, shall we?

The message that I got from society as a child (and the audiotape that is constantly playing inside my head), was that the entire point of being a good boy, and getting good grades in school, and getting an education, and having a career that could support me, was so that I could become "worthy" of having a partner

And this was naturally (but incorrectly) followed by the assumption that I would then easily find a partner, after having proven myself worthy.

I received various verbal and non-verbal messages as a child that my "looks" would not prove me worthy of a partner (insert any reason here - too thin, too short, too weak, too disabled, too big a sissy, blah blah blah), so I would have to come up with another angle so as to be considered "worthy" of having a partner.

I needed lots of cash, or a fancy car, or that University Class ring that I so coveted and wore like a medal. If I had been a sexy hunk-o-burning love, I would have needed none of these things, because to be good-looking was, in and of itself, enough to make one worthy of having a partner. It was generally pretty obvious who was considered "good-looking" and who wasn't, and I could tell by the way potential partners treated the "good-looking" ones, especially when contrasted with how us "not so fortunate ones" were treated (like throw-aways).

So, to have completed my journey into adulthood after having done everything that I was supposed to do in order to finally be considered "worthy" of having a partner, and then to continue to be rejected over and over and over and over again, has been a very confusing thing indeed, not to mention a source of constant misery. Especially when I am able to recognize myself on the other side of the coin in this game, as the rejectOR of others (who might not be what I consider "good-looking"). It's a complete mind-fuck.

The good news is that this chatter in my brain which informs me daily that I am "not worthy" of having a partner, and am somehow devalued because I do not have a partner, can be replaced by a new line of chatter which reinforces what a wonderful, generous, affectionate and loving spirit that I am. I do not expect a miracle overnight, but practice will make perfect, and eventually I will come to know inside the deepest recesses of my being that I AM worthy.

Meanwhile, I must continue to take control of my chronic pain so that it no longer interferes with my activities of daily living. I must continue to engage myself in the things that I am passionate about (the new social groups I have discovered in my area will do just fine). This will help me to build a fulfilling life that is satisfying and rewarding.

I must then be willing to accept that I may never find a partner, but I may find the man of my dreams during all of these social activities. Neither outcome is certain. And neither makes me any less valuable than the other.

I AM worthy.

I AM exceptional.

I AM wonderful.

And so it is.

Go gently, and love each other. In the end, that is all you have.

LOVE TO ALL

dave

P.S. An hour or so after completing this post, I read the following channeled message. The very end made me almost fall out of my chair - she says "You are not crazy. You are worthy."

Sometimes this ascension stuff is a little bit overwhelming.

LOVE EACH OTHER. IT'S ALL WE'VE GOT.