This was just not supposed to happen.

His name was Anthony.

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I met him in Arlington, Texas, on a sultry, steamy September North Texas night. My belongings were almost completely packed. I was leaving in a few days to move to San Francisco, to resume the career that I had walked away from four short months earlier, in a more prestigious capacity, and at a much higher income level. He was three days from deployment to a new station in the Army, far away from Texas. He was interesting to talk to online and on the telephone. I certainly had no reason to sit at home and pass up a massage trade.

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He was much taller than your average Texan, and muscular, but very slender and stealthy - a very commanding presence. Proud. Respectful. Open. Non-judgmental. It was very east to be around him. He accepted you completely down to the hair on your little toes. He had the smoothest, most beautiful cocoa brown skin I had ever experienced the pleasure of touching. Fortunately for both of us, he appreciated and adored being massaged as much as I loved to touch him.

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This was just a couple of months shy of ten years ago, now, but it is difficult to get clear visual images of this event in my mind's eye. This is because I immediately blocked the entire memory as well as I could, knowing that living with the memory would be torturous and haunting. And yet, with all that energy focused on memory suppression, here we are anyway, ten years later, and I'm wondering, "Is he the one that got away?"

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I know that I was immediately surprised at how calm, cool, and collected, well-dressed, and just all-around sharp he was, even in the most dreadfully humid and hot conditions. These were the nights after the days where the concrete was melting, because it was so hot and humid. And I remember his calves - he had beautiful, silky-smooth calves. I could have held them forever. And a long, curved penis that was otherwise just beautiful, to contrast the perfect straightness of my own. Of course, we both knew before meeting that the situation was what it was, that we were ships passing in the night, most likely never to be seen again, and yet, were interested enough to meet, and I must say, he was a keeper. It was a drag because I think he kinda felt the same way. It was a very strange, almost surreal parting, and it is the last memory that I have before beginning to drive the car across to Los Angeles, and then north to my new home in San Francisco, with the back window painted with shoe polish that proclaimed, "San Francisco or BUST."

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I would not have minded deciding to never mind the job in San Francisco, and instead following Anthony around the country on his Army destinations. Don't Ask, Don't Tell had become the Law of the Land, and this was not an uncommon occurrence, even before DADT was enacted. But at least I had proven to myself after years of unsuccessful dating attempts that I was *not* the only like-minded person, and that there were others out there who appreciated the kind of intimacy that I enjoy. Constantly touching. I'll spare you the pornographic details (but will talk about it with anyone who asks). God, I even loved licking his belly button. He was just delicious. Having total acceptance of each others' mental processes, thoughts, and feelings.

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Isolation is not the way it was supposed to be for me. I was supposed to have constant interaction with a like-minded soul whose curiosity, courage, and sensuality allowed us to explore intimacy in many areas. And the physical intimacy was awesome, without shame, without objectification, and was the direct result of our deep connection on another dimension of existence, one where we both loved to be. Only I haven't yet found another Anthony. This was just not supposed to happen.

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Is it him that I hear calling me, or someone else, far away, knowing that I am here waiting for them, trying to find them? What can I do to increase the resonance or strength of my signal, so as to better broadcast my desire in order to be able to attract others on my same frequency? How do I find them?

To unplug or not to unplug; that is the question.

So why exactly am I paying $91.41 per month to Time Warner for TV/internet/phone and why am I paying $97.85 per month to AT&T for the iPhone?

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I'm just saying. I could hire hookers for that kind of money, that I pay to stay connected so that I never hear from anybody. WTF?

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I remember when I was little you did not dare call anyone outside the immediate area because it was exorbitantly expensive for us poor folks. And now we are all wired 24/7 and are less talkative than ever. I INTEND TO STAY MORE CONNECTED BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS.

The Deed is Done.

Actual email conversation after sending Frankie the response I received from Desert Program for Social Services, where they can do an intake and find out what he qualifies for:

"yo, what is social services"

"You know, help with housing, food stamps, counseling, medical care, and any other social program that might be available for someone who is homeless and jobless."

"okay I will check that out"

"Yes, please, because I want my tranquil house back, like I told you at the beginning of June. You are going to have to make some sort of arrangement to go live somewhere else."

"okay. when do you want me out"

"I don't understand the relevance of that question. I told you that I wanted you to move in June but you didn't go anywhere."

Step One completed.

I have my car back.

My mom is going to front me the cash for one month so that I can pay the car payment now that I spent it on an illegal tow.

Step two - getting rid of Frankie so that I can have my tranquil house back and crawl into a hole and never see another human as long as I live. People just hurt me continuously, whether intended or not, and I can't stand it for one more moment.

How funny - an article describing the EXACT TOPIC of my last post.

I mean, isn't fighting this phenomenon the Human Condition?

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/07/29/some-people-are-simply-too-selfdeceived-to-know-they-are-ignorant.aspx

David Dunning, a Cornell professor of social psychology, became fascinated by the true story of McArthur Wheeler, an incompetent bank robber who believed that rubbing your face with lemon juice rendered you invisible to video cameras.

Dunning wondered whether, since Wheeler was too stupid to be a bank robber, he might also be too stupid to know that he was too stupid to be a bank robber. In other words, his stupidity protected him from an awareness of his own stupidity.

Dunning wondered if the principle could be applied to more people than just Wheeler, and along with graduate student Justin Kruger, he wrote the paper, "Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties of Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-assessments."

According to the New York Times:

"Dunning and Kruger argued ... 'When people are incompetent in the strategies they adopt to achieve success and satisfaction, they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it.

Instead, like Mr. Wheeler, they are left with the erroneous impression they are doing just fine.'"

Now is the time, Roger Ingraham

http://www.panachedesai.com/site/

8 months in the desert. Alone.

I have to be strong.

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Who knew that *I* would be the most sane and strong person here.

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It's pathetic.

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Welcome to Earth - it hurts. A free-will zone is inherently a rough place to be.

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The path of a Light Warrior is lonely indeed.

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This planet is so fucked up, and it is the way it is because of US.

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WE have to be the change we wish to see. It really is that simple.

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UPDATE:

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I feel as though I am the only sane and stable person I know. The irony is so ridiculous, because the more I can recognize insanity in others means the more I can see it in myself, peeking at me from behind shadows all around me. Which I will illustrate as we go:

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But one thing is for sure, I have to get help for Frankie. I will offer him the opportunity to submit to whatever public assistance I can find for him, and if he does not accept, he cannot stay here with me any longer. So, he can choose the streets or the help.

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But he is not emotionally equipped to deal with reality. The sickening part is that I have realized that most people aren't.

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He was so completely desperate to get a job and try to secure some sense of stability, that upon awakening late, being unable to wake me by talking to me, not having the sense to come and shake me awake after we apparently carried on a conversation but I still did not move or get up (I am a deep sleeper first thing in the morning and if I am not up and walking, I am not conscious yet), that he decided to hop in the car and drive himself the 2.5 miles to the interview, with a suspended drivers' license, got stopped by the police, and got my car impounded. A person who finds themselves in this situation, while really trying to do the right thing and to improve their circumstances in life, has something wrong with their decision-making process. He'll never make it if he does not get counseling and supervision.

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A person who drinks alcohol and then with the resulting impaired judgment, continues to have anonymous, unprotected sex with people even after having contracted HIV, has something wrong with their decision-making process. He'll never make it if he does not get counseling and supervision.

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A person whose insecurity makes them vulnerable enough to return to an abusive relationship, hoping that it will change and become the relationship of your dreams, over and over again, getting new physical scars from the abuse time after time, has something wrong with their decision-making process. He'll never make it if he does not get counseling and supervision.

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He's not a bad person. He was raised by gangsters and all his brothers are heroin addicts, his mother passed away, he has no education or any idea of how civilization works, but he wants to do the right thing. He just can't see past his own programming and faulty reality constructs to understand what "the right things to do" actually *IS* - it is no fault of his own.

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So yeah, it's going to be an interesting few days. I am going tomorrow to the impound hearing and plead leniency to the official, and explain this situation, and hopefully the car will be released to me. Then, I will have the discussion with Frankie and give him the opportunity to find social services, or to hit the streets again.

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Then, I am going to write a list of the reasons that I am the most sane and stable individual I know. I am going to write down examples of the situations I see in lives around me that I just refuse to put up with, and explain why all those situations come from a place of having something wrong with your decision-making process, and how thankful I am to have avoided being in such positions myself.

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I hope this gives me the courage to then write down a list of situations in my OWN life that are the result of having something wrong with MY decision-making process. Because there is no reason whatsoever that I should not have groupies of people. I am brilliant, I am compassionate, I have integrity, I am generous, I am insightful, I am PURE LOVE. And to remain alone and lonely and without an entourage is a situation that is a result of having something wrong with my decision-making process. And who knows what kind of trauma induced the emotional blocks that led to the problems with my decision-making process. I'll need strength.

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I INTEND TO BE PATIENT AND EASY ON MYSELF AND OTHERS DURING THIS EXTRAORDINARY TIME OF TRANSITION ON OUR PLANET. HEALING IS ON THE WAY.

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UPDATE:

All my thoughts lead me back to the idea of once I am free from Frankie's level of drama caused by the decisions he makes, how do you go out in society and deal only with people whose decision-making process is at least on the same level or above your own? How to interact with a community but refuse to interact with unnecessary inconvenience and suffering brought about by the faulty decision making of others? The only people I would think who have NO faulty decision making would be ascended masters, and I certainly am not one of those remarkable individuals. So, is this an illusion, that I am going to find these other people out there with advanced decision-making processors, or am I going to have to teach others how to raise the quality of their decisions? At some point, I have to be careful and not want to impose my will onto another sovereign being - I can show them all day long how many options they have for making other decisions, but ultimately, they have free will to choose bad decisions. And I have to forgive those. But does that mean I have to entertain them and be around them? Not as long as they are impacting me in a negative way, no, I don't think it is unreasonable for me to want to be isolated from that if I so choose. Of course, the opposite reaction I am creating in the universe from that is now the fact that I have to allow others to want the same isolation from ME if they do not want to be impacted by any decision that I am making. So it is a very tangled web of information, it is incredible to see how we are all connected. It is so easy to see that as long as we refuse to house and feed EVERYONE including the poor and the infirm and the elderly and the uneducated that we will never survive as a species.

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I INTEND TO BE PATIENT AND EASY ON MYSELF AND OTHERS DURING THIS EXTRAORDINARY TIME OF TRANSITION ON OUR PLANET. HEALING IS ON THE WAY.

Happy Mayan New Year!

If I were not witnessing it for myself, I would not be so willing to talk about the dramatic energy shift today. The past few weeks have been just horrible and could not possibly continue much longer. And there did not seem to be any forward movement about ANY of it. It was simply unbearable. And FINALLY, today, with the new Mayan Calendar cycle, all the stuck energy burst wide open and movement there was.

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I've been in this argument with this Tea-Party leader in the comments section of my last post, who says that he is baffled by my intense hatred for him, and that he is surprised that I want him to die just because we think differently is a foreign concept to him. And I'm thinking, yeah, that's because you are a straight white guy, with all its inherent privileges in society. And also, he is too dumb to know what satire is. But anyway, I am glad I got his attention and I hope that he can see how offensive his ideas are to many of us. I doubt it. But I can dream.

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I blogged about having another direct experience with Unity Consciousness at the last moon cycle. And now, today, I see massive evidence that it has grabbed the attention of much of humanity. I knew that more and more people were getting it, but now the planetary wave of Unity is unstoppable. It is so exciting to see it begin to fall into place. Imagine. Peace.

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I am so curious to hear about the Prop 8 trial, because it is either going to really energize the bigots, or, it is really going to drive them completely over the edge to the point where they start freaking out and trying to segregate themselves from gay people. Yes, they are THAT crazy. It is going to be an interesting fall.

Not so down anymore.

The recent cycle of eclipses was brutal, and the energies were awful. But new insights occurred at the bottom of the depression (as usual, they just get worse and worse, followed by more and more insights). This time I experienced direct knowledge of Unity Consciousness, just like when I first started hanging out with Jess and Michael at the end of 2006. Only this time, I have studied and meditated and gained so much knowledge that I knew what was happening.

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I have learned that I must no longer spend any energy on finding a partner or anyone else in life and to pay no mind to anyone who does not have direct knowledge of Unity Consciousness, or who does not at least want to learn about it. This way, I will avoid continuing to attract people who are still stuck in the ego-constructs of gay dating and life in general.

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Poor Michael and Jesse have just been through the wringer. I know many people who are having a tough time right now for some reason or another. I continue to pray for everyone's healing and comfort, and alignment with their highest good, should they choose with their free will. We are coming together as One now on the planet, not a moment too soon.

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Jesse called to check up on me and said my posts sounded really down. And they were, and I was, but I have taken a turn and am feeling better and learning more and more. So The cycle begins anew. I really dislike the fact that this is the mechanism through which this ascension business works with me. I'd like to calm the moodswings down if at all possible, and hereby ask my guides to get to work on that. :)

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So much love for everyone, words don't begin to describe my appreciation.

Summer of Love?

I'm reading my Facebook page seeing pictures and stories posted by all the happy couples about their travels and adventures. Of course, couples get to save 50% on housing costs, so they have way lots more disposable income than singles. I watch other friends struggle with illness and family members growing older, and I wonder if they understand how fortunate they are to be coupled while this is going on - I had to do it all alone when my mom had kidney disease. Hell I'm still doing it all alone, having to help out my mom financially, straining my already thin budget that comes from singledom.

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Really, when you get down to it, I'd rather be dead than single and without the daily love and support that partnership brings.

It's overwhelming.

I miss the boys too much. I feel so hopeless about the politics of the country. I hate the polarization and the conservatism and the racism and the homophobia. I just despise the fact that our country and the black ops that we fund are so involved in war and wreaking havoc and terror globally. The economic news is so draining - I feel very fortunate, and wonder how people make it who are not as fortunate as I am? At the same time, I wonder why gay men are not more open to having loving, committed partnerships because of all the millions of benefits, like living expenses going down when you have two people together (not to mention suffering less loneliness, less depression, having better health and longer life than people who are not happily partnered - well the benefits are endless, I won't even bother with that here - it is a whole other post by itself). I hate it that gay men have no clue about how to be platonic friends without it becoming sexual somehow, because I love intimacy of all sorts. I hate the amount of difficulty and hardship and stress and financial problems and health problems that everyone is dealing with. It's just too much. All of it. Is just too much.

7-11-10 Total Solar Eclipse energy alert - by yours truly.

So, right now I wanted to document some of what I am picking up from the energies immediately preceding the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse tomorrow afternoon. We are about 3/4 of the way through the 6th Night of the Galactic Underworld of the Mayan Calendar. The end of this month will mark the first births of children conceived during the 6th Night. Just a couple of short weeks ago, we had a lunar eclipse during the full moon, and now we are in the between-time culminating tomorrow. It should be like the rollercoaster being dropped from the top of the cliff.

I am sensing a very strong collective focus on the archetypal Christ Consciousness wanting to be born on Earth. While this is a very good thing, it can manifest with feelings of severe depression, of the desire to literally die and be reborn, of suicidal urges even. Many of us are frustrated with our seeming inability to change our personal and the collective realities and are just at the point where we are throwing out hands up and saying, "Fuck This." No matter what we do or try, the same old shit is in our way, and we know that it has to go before we can move forward again. Labor pains for sure.

Archangel Metatron has delivered a message for July urging those of us who are single to cherish our solitude, for we have created it in order to master ascension, and we have a great opportunity to do some self-reflection and inner work that others do not have. While this is of no comfort to us, because we crave intimacy and the reassurance that comes from the total acceptance of another, I suppose we can rest assured that when relationships do finally present themselves that we are going to be in tip-top shape to create very high-vibrating partnerships based upon sovereignty and love. So we have to resist the temptation to kill ourselves before the main event that we have been working toward for so long shows up! We have come too far to give up now.

We have to force ourselves to turn away from the mainstream media, from the disaster television, from focusing on the tragedies in the Gulf of Mexico and other parts of the world where oil spills and pollution are ruining the natural environment, where humans are shown savagely acting out on others, etc. If it is happiness, joy, and unity we desire, then it is on those things we must focus our attention. This can be incredibly difficult even for those of us who have been detached from TV for many years, because the new sources of information on the internet have our attention now. Closely guarding the frequency of our own experience is necessary.

The incredible feeling of being completely stuck, and wanting literally to die so that we can end this madness and start over again, can be our impetus for taking one last look at how we can take control of the creation process in area where we have not yet mastered the flow of creation, so that we can birth the reality that we long for so much.

Fasten your seat belts as the rollercoaster gets ready to take off down the cliff. I feel that either a large number of souls are getting ready to leave the planet en masse, or else there will be some other natural disaster of such magnitude that we cannot currently fathom, that is going to finally cause the corrupt structure to crash down around us. And good riddance. But it is not going to be easy. It is my greatest desire that we find the unity we crave, and thank all of you for participating in this adventure.

Dive In!

Into the pool, that is - the heater was on this weekend and it is really warm now. I got to float in the pool for a couple hours on Saturday and Sunday, and, other than it is extremely unpleasant to lie on my stomach on the float now that my torso is completely fused, I rather enjoyed it. I hope to have the pool all to myself during the week so that I can float some more. (Better for being able to float naked). Soon I will be more brown than naturally brown-skinned people. YUM.

New Meetup group...

Finally we have a weekly meetup group here in Palm Springs devoted to one of my favorite authors, Esther Hicks, who channels Abraham. I have been trying to find a group to replace the Light Bearers of the World meetup that I was attending twice per month in Irvine, and this might just be it. And lo and behold, the group does have several very nice and attractive single gay men. Not that I expect to be dating any of them, but it sure is good to begin to fill the void caused by my extreme isolation, which is aggravated by my medical condition, and my anti-social behavior that was learned over the years as I found nothing but ridicule and rejection from the gay community. At least it is a start.

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Wow I miss my OC peeps.

The Sunday Night Blues.

It has been about 4 weeks since I saw a living human being (besides the clerk at the store). It occurred to me after being totally isolated all during this holiday weekend that the reason that I hate Sunday Nights and holiday Monday nights and Valentine's Day and New Years' Eve and all those times when romantic partners are paired up at home, is that at those times I am able to sense that energy most of all, and I am devastated that I am not a part of it.

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So, there it is. The pain I am most afraid of, the pain that I have been trying to evade all of my life, is here with me, and there is no escape. It was the only reason that I was ever motivated to do anything at all - the promise of a romantic partner. What are you supposed to do when all hope is lost?