We have made it to the 13-week mark after my massive low back reconstruction surgery in January. I can say without hesitation that I was most certainly *not* mentally prepared in any way for the sheer brutality of the experience. I was so ready to get some relief from the chronic pain symptoms that I set all expectation aside, and put my trust in the hands of the persons in charge of my care.
One of the things I would have done differently would have been to go to the medical facilities where I stayed, beforehand, and to investigate and to meet the caretakers personally *before* the procedure. The element of surprise is not something you want to have to deal with under that circumstance. I would never have agreed to go into the hospital knowing that it was closing the very next week after my procedure. The specialized care needed in this instance had been dismantled altogether, leaving only a skeleton crew on hand in the hospital ward.
While I was in the hospital, I asked to be moved in the bed at one point late in the evening, but had visitors at the time. I was lying on special orthopedic pads used in back surgeries so that the nurses can simply slide the pads around on the bedding without lifting the patient. In this case, the idiot nurses on duty stood on either side of the bed and LIFTED me using the pads, right along the area of my back where the surgery occurred. Now, the pain before this incident was pretty crazy, and I was pushing that litle morphine button just as fast as I could get my hands on it, with a little help from my friends. But at the moment of this lifting incident, I felt the single most excruciating amount of pain I had ever felt, and frankly, I am surprised that I maintained consciousness. From that moment on, the pain seemed to exponentially increase, and I have not been comfortable again, since.
The pain doctor warned me that physical therapy was going to aggravate the situation, but what I did not expect was that the OTHER parts of my body would begin to hurt from the exercise as well. That gave me an unexpected stumbling block.
Thankfully, today I feel as though I am finally taking a turn for a new direction. The mind-numbing amount of pain is beginning to subside. I have a long way to go before I am successfully rehabilitated into my new level of function. But, wow, what a slow and laborious process!
I cannot skip over the karmic effects of my 15-year career as a claims adjuster coming home to roost. The act of interfering with people's lives all those years, no matter how ethically I tried to do it, made me store way too much emotion and conflict in my body over the years, aggravating my already disabling condition of scoliosis. It is very important that I never ever engage in that type of work again, and that if I ever do return to work, I make sure that it is doing something that makes a positive contribution from my heart-center. Not to mention, I have to love doing it. I don't have any expectation that I will be able to find work in the future, since i would have to disclose my medical condition as a possible issue that would need accommodation and that might affect how I am able to perform my job. Employers scream and run the other way when they see that stuff.
Needless to say, it is not breaking my heart that I have to "drop-out" of the rat race, so to speak, because I want my life to move into a new, more holistic, sustainable, green, and less stressful direction. Getting terminated was not exactly what I had in mind, but it's not like there is any love lost there whatsoever. I was miserable. But it's over!
The other most challenging issue was all the time spent here at home, trying to keep from completely freaking out because of the amount of pain, while the world kept going at its mad pace. Since I cannot keep up, and since I cannot expect the world to slow to my pace, it seemed at times that the hours turned into days turned into weeks at a time where I was just lost in the aether somewhere. The pain kept me from being the least bit interested in "doing" anything to fill the time, although it is my nature to relentlessly explore my inner world incessantly. This was no different, and I am thankful for the time I have had to reflect, to ponder, to consider, and to "clean out the closets" of my mind, so to speak.
I am glad that I am feeling better so that I can sit up and study and read a bit more, and begin to actually take up things that INTEREST me again. I wonder what will happen next?
I think we are in for a great spring and summer with many surprises down the line.
LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.
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