I have a fan club!

Jesse misses me writing about where I'm at in my growth and discovery path. How cool is that!

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To indulge him I will say this. I have turned a corner in my physical healing and am beginning to feel that I have some sense of stability, however small, whereas before I just felt like a turtle with no shell - no support - as if I were going to break. This year I found myself in a horrific mental dungeon, because month after month after month it felt as though the surgical trauma had just happened yesterday. I am now aware of an increase in stamina, and a perception that enough time has elapsed since the trauma that it is starting to fade into memory. This may take quite some time, but at last it is underway.

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So, it makes perfect sense that I would also be feeling relief from the depths as I crawl out of the emotional dungeon that was my home for so long. My God! How is it that we have evolved so far in medicine to do the incredible things surgeons do to our bodies and yet still be so clueless about dealing with the emotional aftermath? The silver lining is that from this, I have strengthened my perspective about the importance of compassion, civility, and sincerity. We must offer our best even to strangers because none of us is capable of understanding or knowing what burdens others carry.

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I am also pleased to say that while I still hold the sincere desire for a companion, a lover, a partner, to be here with me intimately, to be connected, to satisfy the sex maniac inside me, I no longer fear the absence nor succumb to the black hole of desperation about being single. In my newly evolved state of awareness, I find that nothing less would be satisfying for me, and I am content to wait for it to present itself, as it will effortlessly, as does everything when you simply go with the flow. That surprises me most of all.

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I find that I am much more aware of my own energy or light body, and am becoming more aware of the energy bodies of others, which can be overwhelming and I have to spend extra time grounding. It is also a challenge to remain on the sidelines and allow others to make bad decisions or intentionally or unintentionally harm themselves or others, or to create a reality that they do not intend to have by mistakenly focusing on the wrong things, but I must remain on the sidelines. Others have lessons to learn and soul contracts and all sorts of things that means it would be arrogant of me to think that my opinion was supreme. It is not. Yet I hate to see unnecessary suffering.

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I find that I am unapologetically a complete lap dog, and will one day be content as I sit perched in the lap of an intimate companion, not unlike ones that I have now, except that he will be ready, willing, able, and available to reciprocate the enthusiasm. If pleasure is a sin, let me be the first to congratulate the Devil; he wins. This includes the pleasure of intimacy of all kinds - intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical, each standing alone or of any combination - I'll take one of each, thank you. And I shall have it!

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Pain doc says now that I feel more stable I should begin walking 3 MPH on the treadmill, and to use the bicycle thing for your arms to use mild resistance to rebuild my connective tissue and muscles before doing any use of weights or machines or anything like that. The counselor and I are working on my purpose and my peeps (where to find like-minded peeps!), so as to try to focus my attention and begin to move to some sort of goals, however small, instead of just being adrift like I was when dealing with the trauma and pain. Surgeon is happy as a clam with the results. I wish he could climb in here and get a taste of it.

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My mother is very pleased to hear me so excited about the prospect of living where I said I wanted to live when I retired, in such a nice apartment; she worries about me when I am down. She is always so strong. I remember thinking, when she was getting a kidney transplant, that I did not want to live that badly. But I am stronger now. And I have grown to love living again. I had given up on life in about 2005. So my boys downstairs came along at just the right time. Now, what happens naturally in a loving relationship is that when that love is tossed into your bucket, all the shit and slime come jumping out, and must be released. If we can just recognize this pattern, and remember that immeasurable love means that lower vibrating stuff can no longer stay inside you, and is of course going to come up and get out one way or another, and then simply release the old stuff as it arises - then we'd be able to more easily navigate the energy field in which we live.

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So that's kind of where I'm at. I will not claim that I never feel anxious or lonely or that I don't sometimes go insane because I crave the touch and feel of skin, in the same way that a blind person craves sight, because that would be a lie. I do sometimes still feel as though I am missing out on something and that I am incomplete, even though this feeing is irrational. But I feel that change and growth are occurring, and for that I am grateful and give thanks to everyone involved. The feeling of being small no longer dominates my emotional state. "I am bigger than I seem."

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For any role I played in creating any negative reality,

I am so sorry;

Please forgive me.

I Love You.

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I INTEND TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM IN EACH MOMENT!