A to-do list seems so not the the thing to do here, and yet it has a place. At least focusing on the various aspects of what I intend to accomplish by identifying them and documenting them seems to be necessary. Since I have discovered that I am unable to fit the Palm Springs vacation home into my budget, it is time to try to reconfigure how it is that I am going to be able to live naked in the sun, to regain mobility and strength while facing pain, to reintroduce pleasure into my every day existence, long since stolen by pain, depression, misunderstanding and isolation.
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It ms my intention that I allow myself to be the fullest expression of Love that I Am in each moment.
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What does that look like? It looks like visiting with people who are important to me, even if nothing more than a hello and check-in with each person, to acknowledge them and to hear them, as often as possible. This makes my heart sing! Truly, if I were able to do this, it would make a big difference in the way that I experience daily life. It will require reaching out. It is the connection with Source, when the energy of Love flows through and to us when we are in the presence with or in thought with our loved ones that sustains Life itself. It is our reason for being. It is our challenge to greet *everyone* with this same Love of the Creator, to acknowledge and to hear everyone, helping them tune in with their own flow of Universal Love.
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So what would I prefer that my life look like, from day to day?
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The ability to stretch, walk, and work toward regaining motion and stamina, now that I am becoming more and more stable.
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The ability to get out and enjoy the sunshine and to enjoy being in the presence of others, something that has long evaded me. This can only be done by identifying and illuminating whatever fear I have in each moment that prevents me from completely showing up in each moment. I know that one of my greatest fears is that I will be misunderstood - this happens even among those who are closest to me - I very much dislike being misunderstood because it is my most sincere intention that the highest good be served for all in each interaction, each instance, each moment. Even in this crazy world with all of its temptation, there is no reason we should forget about this basic aspect of manifestation.
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The ability to constantly see everyone in their highest light, even if I disagree, or are uncomfortable, or am annoyed - I want to keep the highest esteem of everyone in my mind's eye, and certainly my own highest esteem. I continually bash myself with my perception of my disabled and unattractive body with all its physical limitations, and blame it as the cause of all rejection by both others and myself. I have to be able to change this and to be able to stop casting this judgment upon myself that I am bad, unworthy, ugly, weak, rejected. Only by doing this will my external reality begin to change, and begin to support my existence instead of always validating my experience of rejection.
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I have to stop buying cigarettes and begin to use the SmokStik. Hello - that's why I bought the stupid thing in the first place.
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I have to find a way to allow more physical, mental, and emotional intimacy into my life. I can't tell you what a difference this made for me, and how its absence ripped my soul open. For whatever role I played in creating this, conscious or unconscious, in this lifetime or another, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I Love you.
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Eat. I have to eat.
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(to be continued)
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