On Childhood.

I was reading a passage in Winifred Barton's I Am: The Book of Life, as follows:

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"The infant mind is like a honeycomb of bright, hollow bubbles -- each one waiting to light up and be filled by a genuine identity experience. If pain or trauma is involved, ego closes down like a shutter, with varying degrees of thickness according to the amount of emotional shock experienced. If crushing episodes start early in life, the personality develops a habit of hesitancy before reacting to any stimuli, always on the alert for hurtful intent."

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Since I am exploring the roots of my anti-social nature, wherein I seek solitude, or, the company of a highly-trusted companion, above incidental, and exploratory social behavior, this struck me instantly. I recalled in my early childhood, after initially growing up with a full-time stay-at-home-mom, being thrust into the world of the institutional Christian model of the Day Care Center, still a mid-century concept that has pretty much gone by the wayside, as far as I can tell. Now, the occasional spanking at ire of a parent was known, even before the day school experience, and the administrators of both day care and the public schools were happy to continue the rituals of spanking the guilty parties in front of all the other children as a tool of conformity. But wow, the violence encountered at day care and school shut me completely off from everyone. I chose solitude over the interaction resulting in physical harm, strain, or pain that was characteristic of the larger group. There were probably over 100 kids and there were 6-8 adults. And we were allowed to roam freely on this several acre site during the summer, and a large playground the rest of the year with little supervision. Let the bloodbath begin.

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It was always shocking to me that others were interested in chasing, hitting, kicking, fighting, inflicting pain and basically making life miserable. And as if that were not enough, the institutions of school even fostered this with the dreaded dodge ball, I mean, what the fuck? Getting bombarded with balls throw at your face? Really?

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Even in adulthood, I will not go into a crowded place, especially a bar, where I have no control over my physical safety. People are just crazy and will knock you over, jab you with elbows, squeeze you beyond anything that even resembles a comfortable embrace and try to pick you up (what the fuck?) and other assorted intrusive and painful ways. Yikes!

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But this is also occurring on the emotional level - attempting to shield myself from any painful emotion as a result of an interaction with another keeps me in solitide frequently. I prefer the company of a highly-trusted friend or solitude to exploring new relationships.

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I'll be having a deeper look at this. I enjoy intellectual and emotional intimacy a great deal, and yet I prohibit myself from cultivating same. Why?

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LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE