At VONS at 10:30 p.m....

I bought 4 bags of different Halloween candy on sale. The girl in front of me says," Aren't you a little late? They are in bed!" I replied,"These are for ME, not children!"

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Ah, another Halloween alone at home. It's such a trademark that it is hardly worth mentioning anymore. it was once my favorite holiday, but I think I lost interest the year that I had a party and nobody came. My excitement was piqued again the year I moved to San Francisco, and was going to meet B(W)ill at a bar so that we could walk the streets of the Castro together during the big street party in San Franciso. He did not show up; I cannot remember what happened. I was standing outside a bar and someone called my name, and I whirled around and recognized that it was Eddie, a muscle man who had been flirting with me online for about a year. It never occurred to me when I left Dallas that I would ever meet him. I was in a state of non-belief - but he latched onto me and we spent the entire night together in his penthouse apartment with a view of both the Bay and Golden Gate bridges from his apartment. It was a magical time. I felt like Cinderella at the Ball. Eddie lost interest in me after that night, as do most men who play the sexual conquest game, and I was heartbroken. I was unable to set my dreams into motion while living there; it was just one struggle after another. I decided to leave. Is the pattern repeating again? Alas.

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So what about this disturbing feeling that arises when I am alone? The feeling runs throughout the linear timeline of my life - I can visualize myself in any point along the timeline, at any age, in any place, and feel the same feeling of isolation, ostracization, separateness, loneliness. It is as if I do not belong here and that my presence is a mistake. It is as though I am prevented from becoming an accepted member of the planetary society by some unknown force. If it is true that the outer reality is merely a mirror of the inner reality, then it would stand to reason that I am somehow not able or willing to accept my own presence here. It is as though after my arrival to this planet I saw what was going on and decided that I did not want to be here after all, that I did not feel I could make a difference in the way things were here, and that I decided that the mission was aborted automatically by virtue of the fact that certain conditions that need to be in place are not possible, rendering my mission impossible. What are the conditions? What is the mission? I am intrigued by all of these feelings and wonder if I will ever come to terms with it on a conscious level.

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To have a home filled with Love is my fondest desire, even though it now appears to be nothing more than an imaginary tale in a novel on the shelf of some dusty library. And still I hope that one day I will have a house full of loving devotees, excited about sharing our time together, improving each others' lives as best we can. But for now, a Baby Ruth will do.

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I INTEND, THAT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM IN EACH MOMENT!