Jesse won't let me count the first 20. With those thrown out, we are left with 9,490 days and nights (minus the 10 or 15 times Dale has stayed overnight and minus the other 45-60 days I have seen him since September) when I have been denied the simple healing pleasure of touch, the magic of sexuality, the feeling of wholeness that comes from being held and caressed. (I have not forgotten the closeness expressed by my dear loves Jesse and Michael during the past 2 years). My entire existence and memory bank is plagued with the emotions that accompany my failure to secure the pleasure of touch for myself. I am told that I have to continue to stuff these emotions, but am offered no method for replacing them. Jesse suggested to rely on my tribe and other online friends, but last I checked, they are not able to touch or hold me.
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If I am unable to secure healing touch from my loved ones, whether it is because they are unavailable logistically due to travel for work (in the case of Dale), or whether it is because simply lying on the couch and being held (without sexual activity as part of the equation) is considered inappropriate by my friends who are straight, or partnered, this leaves me with one option - casual sex with perfect strangers. Even if I had the time, money, and energy to invest in bar-hopping and bath house visitations, is it possible to find touch of the quality that might heal my emotions in these scenarios? My experiences from age 20 to 40 say no, it is not.
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It looks like the forseeable future holds no solution to this problem, and no overnight pleasures of snuggling. But does that have to mean I settle for nothing at all? What I would give for just 10 minutes per day of lying in the arms of someone who loved and valued me. Hell, every OTHER day. That might at least begin to give me new emotions to replace those that line the hallways of the last 26 (46 altogether) years of my memory banks. But, this seems to be out of reach as well, and considered "needy." Wouldn't you have 10 minutes to hug and hold someone that you love, if you thought that it might make enough of a difference to them to be able to change from feeling worthless, rejected, and alone, to feeling more whole?
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As always, Computer says, "No."
3 comments:
Yes indeed: only the last 26 years count. Counting your pre-out, childhood years overstates the duration of your singledom. (And putting it in days, btw, doesn't help either.)
But remember: you're only 3-4 months out of a hugely important and complicated surgery, and you've many moons to go before you'll be pain free and able to do so the many things that you can't currently do. The universe requires your patience right now, and a quiet acceptance that this physical healing is part of your larger path to a greater sense of self. Imagine what the world will be like when you've less pain to contend with and can tackle everyday tasks without the dread of the inevitable pain and exhaustion.
Hold on to the notion that you are loved and let your spirit feel it. The five senses are physical devices - don't let an absence of touch fool your soul into thinking you're unloved. You're sheathed in it unconditionally from so many unique and wonderful hearts.
Be patient, hold positive, and know that the world awaits your readiness…
Wow - you make so many assumptions. I was never promised a pain-free existence. Imagine if this is as good as it gets? Why discount my "pre-out" life? If I had been able to get the needed affection that any child development expert would agree is necessary I might not feel the weight of this enormous deficit from my adulthood. Why do I feel that if I were hot enough to be on your Top-10 list of sex anywhere anytime none of this would matter and I would not have to beg for affection? I'll just sit here quietly, alone, in the dark.
I genuinely mean my comments to be supportive. I'm hoping you'll be patient, and look forward to feeling better.
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