I lived to be 46.

I never thought it possible.

Many thanks to Jesse and Michael for the evening at my favorite restaurant (Japanese teppanyaki), to Chuck and Anda for preparing the Vietnamese dish Pho, to Benjamin for whipping up a gourmet dinner for 5 on Monday, to Dale for snuggling way close for a day and a half, which helped me uncover the unconscious fear that I do not feel safe in my own body (a chronic pain reaction). Thanks to Michael for the car wash, and the special interest in my well-being. All of you made my birthday pleasant, and all of you continue to make my life bearable when it would otherwise not be. Since I am able to say that I have you near, I am able to say that I have everything that I could possibly need.

Thanks to Matt for chiming in that when he feels helpless to help his boyfriend, all he does is hold him. Sometimes that is the only medicine that is effective.

I'm not a big cake eater, but maybe I should proceed with baking a cake just so that I can have the ritual of blowing out the candles. That might make me feel a bit more connected to the whole situation, instead of feeling that it is somehow incomplete or that I skipped part of it, and then I might be able to finalize it and move on to more healing. I mean everybody wants to blow out the candles, right? I think that is a fine project for this week. I wonder if it will make me feel any better or different.

I am sorry for any transgressions and beg forgiveness. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or to have anyone feeling badly on my account. It's not worth it. It's always best to forgive.

UPDATE: In his typical sweet, thoughtful, generous fashion, Michael brought up a plate of 46 candles and sang Happy Birthday and let me blow out the candles, after I blogged about whether there were any keys to be found to regaining my happiness through tradition and ritual. His desire to "fix" my depression is strong, and his devotion to my friendship touches my heart deeply. I should be crying like a baby with happiness and joy, but cannot access the joy. He is a wonderful friend.