Raising Arizona

I thought I would catch up Netflix after having become disinterested while battling my most recent episode of severe depression. Now, this reference is meant only to speak about that experience clinically, since the episode is releasing me finally, after some meds were introduced and after some self-care improvement changes that I made, which were born out of my latest expansion from the study of metaphysics and science and religion and all that stuff. (I love this laptop which lets me read even lying down for those kind of days). I love that I am getting interested in being alive again! But I think this is going to be a much better recovery than I have yet experienced because of my expanded perspective about so many subjects, which brings me to the subject of the relavence of this movie to my life.

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The characters in this movie are pretty damn funny. Don't let the "white trash" subject matter fool you - even the over-the-top performances by every single cast member are meticulously scripted and executed, down to the accents and attitudes. I just could not hardly believe that the movie played exactly like a chapter from my own life as a child, one generation and by cousin, twice removed, from the lives that the characters in this movie were living.

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"And how could that be?" one might ask - the answer is found in none other than my mom, who very vigorously defended us from exposure to the nonsensical lives of some of her cousins, and even her own brother, who could just as well been characters in this film. What a breathtaking ride to see that environment after all these years as an adult, and from my expanded perspective.

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What a great farcical film, demonstrating the many ways that human behavior can go awry. It showed that the crutch you use to make your way in the world is the one that will do you in. It showed so many hilarious scenes of people making stupid mistakes, based on fear and the lack of their own self-worth. A church hymn played during the credits that made me hear the organ playing in my mind as though I were standing there right beside it as a youngster, waiting to go use the candle snuffer and dip my fingers in the wax after the organ finished playing the last hymn. I remember that as such an oddly sensual ritual. And I remember feeling exactly as I did tonight, watching this film, as though I were watching all these crazy people in this crazy church who could not even see the flaws in their own logic, and that I was waiting for someone to appear and tell me that it was all just a big practical joke.

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Well, the point was that the reason that my life was not a character in this film is all because of my mom's influence, her insistence that I finish college even when I could not see that it would hold any value, and her never ending ability to get up and face the world, no matter what the circumstance. I wonder if she understands how much I have always envied her for that one single trait. Wow, if only I had had the same devotion to getting up and living - what on earth could I have done with my life? Ah, but that question has been answered with the best possible outcome ever. Because I had her voice in my head and her stoicism to look up to, when I chose my way to tread the path of seeking Enlightenment, I did it with a vengeance. I was not going to stop until I got there or until I died trying; I was going to have the Answer To Life. The one one I have found is that each of us is a fractal event of the One Creation happening, and we are acting on the Creator's behalf as free-will individuals, so that we can choose freely between whatever presents itself in the polarity of physicality. The End Game is to see just how far we can go and whether we are able to remember our true nature and bring light to the depths of the deepest, darkest thing we encounter here. Integrating the polarity of physicality into the Light of the Creator being. Truly ebdodying the angelic!

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I had this vision a while back of encountering a "wall," or some other obstruction over which I could barely climb - actually I was just able to peer over to the other side of the obstruction just long enough to know that it was like being birthed into a new reality with new physical laws, and even remember a strange sensation in my body during the dream, like a stretching somehow. This was followed by a very long, dark period where I struggled and struggled with some spiritual and existential issues that I just could not wrap my mind around. And now, I feel at Home.

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I am pleased that I had the courage to continue to chase the mystical monster. It's awesome that I prepared myself by documenting the ups and downs that I had been experiencing, because every single time the low was so much lower than the last one that I could not see my way out - but every single time, the new awarenness that presented itself made it all worth it. So, even during the episode of severe depression this year, I held on to the idea that ultimately, I would have a breakthrough again and return to feeling well. And I did. I look forward to the funny ways that my past behavior and thought patterns will appear to me, given that I have now expanded to be a total observer of my life before now. I look forward to the changes that are coming as a result of this expansion. Expansion is certainly not impossible for anybody, not even someone who is one generation, cousins twice removed from being "white trash."

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~giggle~

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LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.