YAY Robert Scheinfeld!

So I got to use "The Process" described by Robert Scheinfeld in the DVD series I bought last year. First, you have to go totally into the pain and discomfort, and really feel it. Then, you thank it. Send it Love. Then, to say to yourself that "this feeling is a tool I created in order to fool myself in 3D, to convince myself that I am powerless and helpless and something other than my infinite being, unlimited self, and that it has no power over me."

OK. This enabled me to abort the very severe part of the emotion wave. Now, I just have to continue to do this until such time as I begin to be able to "deconstruct" what is going on to trigger this emotion. It's been in there for a long, long time, it is the same feeling that I had at age 5 when I walked into the neighbors' home and saw the parents on the couch all curled up and enjoying a loving snuggle, and I thought to myself, "that's what I want! That's what you are SUPPOSED to do!" I do not know the circumstances around my birth, but if my pregnancy was viewed as a problem, was an accident, or in any way unplanned, there is a possibility that whatever thought form is triggering this emotion precedes my actual physical birth.

So, anyway, instead of just riding the torture merry-go-round, now that the suicidal depression has started again, at least I have a few more tools in the box to fight back with.

I ate half my sandwich and 5 cherries. I smoked 2 cigarettes this morning, which was all the ones in the house. I am using the patch and the fake cigarette. I started drinking water early today. I did chores. I don't know what else there is that I could possibly do to escape the suicidal urges. They coincide with the desperate desire for intimacy, closeness (physical, mental, and spiritual), for touch and sensuality, and for sexuality. The intensity of the emotion wave is strong. I am confident that I can hang on long enough to deconstruct this belief, whatever it is, in fact I am kinda pissed off now and am READY for Scheinfeld's tools to crack this baby. It may take months, who knows. He just said that it worked for him. It is helpful to chronicle this but I am not sure about it being so public. I do not want anyone else to feel bad, that would majorly suck.