AIDS.

So the backdrop of the TV show we were watching was the period in the mid-to late 1980's when everyone was dying fast and horrible deaths from AIDS. This was the time when I was just finishing college, and battling severe depression, so dating was not high on my priority list. Then, immediately after that my mother became ill, and then I woke up one day and I was 36 and dating was still not high on my priority list. The distractions are probably what saved my life from the scourge, because most certainly I lived during the Great Big Middle of the original AIDS crisis. I have friends in their 50's and 60's who have been living with that disease for 30+ years at this point. And the cases that I have seen so far do not lend themselves to pretty end-of-life tales.

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Oh, there are a thousand ways to leave the planet, right? On some level, we are all aware of the fact that we CHOOSE to remain in physicality on a daily basis, because we all know how to exit. And something pushes us to move on, no matter how bad physicality becomes. It is a facet of the wondrous creation process that urges us ever onward.

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But the HIV poz guys are so fatalistic about the whole thing. The prevailing school of thought is that you should not have any qualms about being in the active casual sex scene because safe sex methods reduce the risk of HIV transmission. But the reality that we see is that men do not practice safe sex, and the virus continues to hold a steady footing among the population. I have never ever been alive and of dating age when there was *not* an HIV virus, and I will be the first to admit that it scares the shit out of me. If I were to contract it, I would be dead, soon. I simply cannot reconcile the idea that if I participated in that scene, that I might become an HIV victim or possibly contribute to the fact that someone else would become a victim, and that this is just part of the statistical possibilities, just like we accept that a certain percentage of people die in automobiles, but we accept that and proceed with our dependence upon them. I just can't wrap my head around it. I have to know that whoever I am with is as deeply committed to never ever placing himself or me in that situation for as long as I live, and from what I see around me, I am pretty convinced that those of us who think this way are way out in the 2nd deviation from the mean, although that should not come as any surprise, since every other level of my life is the same, from intelligence testing to education level, to income level - so where are the others who are inhabiting this sparsely populated square on the graph? Have I isolated myself from them consciously or unconsciously? Is it in fact all my own fabrication? Is there a reason that I feel that although I share this viewpoint with others, that there are too many differences between me and my own subculture group that I will be ultimately rejected by the other members? It is this that I must come to grips with, and begin to think differently about, so that my outer reality will change. I guess that my frailty and disability really does cause me to think lesser of myself, that I am not attractive, and that just has to go. I'm not sure how I will change my behavior to match the Love that I feel inside, because I do not want to enter the casual sex scene, but I know that I have to activate this high vibration of Love in others so that I become visible, attractive, and available.

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My friend Laura and I once postulated while working in the cash room at KMart that only 6% of the population ever achieves that story-book fairy-tale marriage that is drilled into our heads from the time we are born as the goal of our lives. While consciously aware of this fact, I did not become aware that I was not any more likely to be among the 6% than she was, and she was a beautiful, sensitive, smart woman. I last heard that in her 50's she had run away to Arkansas to care for her mother and had become involved with a younger guy who treated her really well, unlike her husband ever did. He was fucking her best friend, the woman who ran the beauty shop, the whole time. Kinda like my dad.

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Up until now, I have endured depression because I was comparing my life with the story-book fairy-tale version, and not general reality. The general reality is that compared to most people, I have a wonderful life. I clean up quite nicely, even at 46 and partially disabled. I am brilliant, sensitive, clairvoyant beyond belief. I live with one foot in physicality and with one foot in the dimensions higher than the earth plane. I am in constant contact with the Source of Creation; I can look all around me and see the continuity of events from the Big Bang until this very moment, marveling in the perfection of it all. I am compsassionate beyond measure, and I understand at the core of my being the Truth that there is only one of us here. It appears on the surface that we are individuals, but that is an illusion. What we do to others we do to ourselves.

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I see a ridiculously miraculous future for myself, with continued self-discovery, and, if what they say is true, finding Love is right around the corner, because I have finally reached the place where it truly does not matter to me one way or the other whether I find myself in the fairy-tale version or not. I was only able to see this for the first time today, and to truly know that it does not matter to me. I am going to go live in a fabulous home in a fabulous community in the shadow of a powerful and majestic mountain that is just teeming with electric energy, and it is going to be positively cosmic. And, according to what I have been told, now that I have arrived in this place in my heart, it is inevitable that Love will find me.

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Can you believe it! Life is such a roller coaster.

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I INTEND, THAT I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM TO BE THE FULLEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT I AM, IN EACH MOMENT!