I can feel the rebirth.

Was watching a show on TV with the boys downstairs - it was very good and very dark and very filled with light all at the same time. It is by examining the horrors of physicality that we find the good in ourselves, collectively. So that is right on schedule. Not that I'll watch more TV or anything, make no mistake, I am a staunch opponent LOLOL!!!

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Poor Michael. I am just heartbroken for him. I keep hoping that his clairvoiance will finally burst through his awareness so that he can see into the non-physical as easily as I do. That might be the only thing that could comfort him. What can I do, except be here for him? That's all there is to do.

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In verbalized to him a thought that I have had in my head since I knew I was moving, and that is, if the surgeon is not prepared to write on the form that I am permanently disabled and precluded from work, I'd like to trade places with him for a couple of days. A long time has passed since my first surgery 30 years ago, which was actually more extensive than this one. I am not a spring chick this time. A lot of time and a lot of wear and tear on my back has passed since then. With every pain, I can see a snapshot of a precourser, a time when I strained my low back, or felt the degeneration process beginning, and they all add up to where I am now. Please believe me when I say that I do not want to end up sitting among the old men discussing what ails me, because I don't. There is a more graceful approach to the fact that I find myself in a position where my body is more limited than I ever thought it would be, without hope that my prior level of function can be regained. Now, I had lived with a horrible low back for quite some time, especially the last couple of years was just brutal. But I have taken a definite turn for the worse since the trauma of that surgery was inflicted upon my body. I wonder if I will ever recover. Honestly.

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And all these years that I have done everything I possibly could to stay out of my body, mistreating it even. This is working against me. I feel no shame about anything, nor the need to beat myself up, but I do recognize that there are some areas that need some attention if I am going to gain any function back, or lower level my of pain, or have stronger stamina. Call it something to work toward. I am excited about living where the weather is so conducive to outside activity most all of the time, with a lower population so that I don't have to fight crowds as much on a daily basis. This morning I was driving in the ruch hour freeway traffic and thought to myself that it was just way too fast for me at this point. I can grow vegetables there, and get out in the sunshine, and have a seemingly endless social calendar (such that I am able to attend - they do a lot of hiking in the desert, which is too much for me at this point). So I am hoping that I become more interested in pushing myself toward increased function, although it is going to Piss Me The Fuck Off to have to endure the pain that is going to go with it, and there is no guarantee that any effort on my part will make much of a change in the "overall" picture. But I do seem to think that a few changes might be in order, and that's OK. I am safe, and it is safe for me to change.

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So I guess that is the message of the day. I can feel the planet getting ready to give birth to something much better than we have ever seen before. And we are safe, and it is safe for us to change. And change is coming.