Let's review what is known.
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Born into a family comprised of persons who, for generations as far as I can tell, did not experience, understand, receive, or give, unconditional Love. They all have broken hearts.
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Recognized immediately that my experience was not at all to my liking, and was not at all consistent with either (a) the story I was being sold by the media, to include books, TV, kindergarten, and church, (b) the Truth as portrayed by conventional wisdom in the form of the ideal reality by which everyone assessed their own standing and position, or (c) my prior experience in realms I inhabited before I was born.
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By age 5 became aware of the intense pain which originated in my realization that the unconditional Love I wanted/needed/expected/assumed was going to be present upon my arrival into physicality was not present, could be seen and identified as being outside myself, and that there seemed to be no way for me to control and to change the situation. I was adrift in the sea of chaos, with my destiny to be the result of random occurrence.
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With the beginning of school there was a dramatic shift and escalation of socialization into the norms of the time, the censored view of the body of knowledge, and the definitions and connotations of words and language. This came with flawed understanding that if I were to follow a path that was "good," that was acceptable and even preferable to others, that did not harm others, and that was morally correct, Love was assured. Whether my flawed understanding was a pre-packaged product sold to me by the Powers That Be, or whether it was simply an error in judgment is subject to differing opinions along a continuum of polar opposites, as is every experience in physicality, and seems to be of little importance.
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With homosexuality came another level of disconnection from unconditional Love. Living in the Western, dogmatic, Judeo-Christian, suburban sprawl of North Texas afforded little or no way to explore and experience dating or expressing sexuality which is the whole basic premise of the socialization process in the first place - to instill into the children the ways that the adults have found are the most conducive to finding Love and acceptance in the world. Parents are relieved when their children reach their early 20's and have found a romantic partnership after the trials and tribulations of the teenage years that arise from the Dating Game.
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The college years offered a new possibility for claiming some sort of control over finding the ever-elusive Love I craved since the college population was generally much more liberal than anything I had previously encountered. But, even when I located my peers - the other gay guys my age - I was soon aware that I did not match the ego-based expectations of my peers. Without any training or experience with sportsmanship of any kind, based in part on my medical disability and surgery at age 16, and in part by my complete repulsion at anything violent, I was bascially outcast from my peer group. Other avenues remained, so I thought at the time, and so I redoubled my efforts to excel in the areas which were presented by society as alternative means with which to acquire Love.
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The completion of my formal education at the college level was of paramount importance. I have written extensively about the incredible disappointment I experienced upon learning after graduation that my education and any perceived social status that accompanied it would not provide me with any more transactional value with which to barter for Love than I had before. This was experienced as a revisitation to the intense pain described earlier at age 5 - and a deeper connection with and understanding that uncondtional Love was not present in my life, and that there seemed to be no means by which I could assure its arrival.
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I continued to imagine the possibilities of finding myself in a romantic Love partnership, to yearn for the pleasure that I perceived might be possible from finding Love - the pleasure of touch, of a sense of belonging. The more time passed without these basic building blocks of life, the more anxious and withdrawn I became. Ultimately, I was spared the continued heartache associated with this issue for a number of years when all of my time and effort was devoted to another - during the period when my mother was sick.
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After emerging from that experience, having been completely isolated from my peer group for about 6 years, I decided that I would pursue the next most logical way that I considered to be an advantage in the pursuit of Love - to earn as much money as I could, thereby allowing me to have more search options available to me - more freedom to travel and to meet others, and more freedom to create whatever material wealth or objects that might prove useful in that process. (A house with a pool always was on top of that list because they seemed to be places of great socialization, lots of people around, lots of opportunity for romance). Ultimately, money proved to be of no use toward this end.
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I became very confused and disoriented. I attempted to make sense of the idea that I had to maintain alignment with a specific moral compass, for my own sanity, and also to ensure that I was not contributing consciously to anything that might require a karmic retribution later. I wrestled with the fact that nothing that I had learned or experienced made me any closer to having the sensual, mental and emotional pleasures of romance. Nothing I could do or be seemed to work, and I was told that I was just supposed to suck it up, dust myself off, and try again tomorrow. But getting up and dusting myself off was becoming increasingly difficult with the depression that accompanies chronic physical and emotional pain.
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At some point, after having given up completely, I had the experience of going on a blind date and I purposefully chose to assume that Love was walking into my life, and to be open to its arrival. That experience led to the first round of practice, the first interpersonal interaction on a romantic level that most people were getting in their mid-teens and 20's. That relationship did not become the satisfying unconditional all-consuming Love that I miss having so much, that I desire to recapture before I die. And it was painful but necessary to release.
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I soon embark on a completely new chapter of life, defined by my physical disability status and retirement. I would like to assume the role of adventurer. I would like to be freed from the bondage that results from my lack of intimacy on all levels - emotional, intellectual, mental, physical, sexual, energetic. I am uncertain how to escape the torture of singledom. I continue to feel as though my life is empty, unfulfilled, not pleasureable, not satisfying, not bearable without the comforts of sexuality as experienced in an unconditonally Loving partnership. And yet here I am, crossing one of the last milestones, retirement, no closer to finding Love than when I was 5 years old. I suppose that in this context, there is no reason to not become an adventurer.
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I have specifically chosen to relocate, for a number of reasons, all based upon attempts to maximize my level of comfort in the absence of unconditional romantic Love. First, it is based on the attractive and luxurious nature of the new residence, the simple pleasure of having more space, inside and out, and the defining architecture and design. Second, the location is in the climate I most prefer, which should improve my physical comfort. The brightness of the desert sun, which rises early, should improve my mood, again, all based on a physiological response - physical comfort. The magnetic lines associated with the high mountain make the area an energetic spot for rejuvenation, sought by many with both physical and emotional infirm.
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I will be physically and energetically disconnected from very dear friends who have the intense romantic Love of the type which eludes me. While they mean the world to me, it is nonetheless a painful experience to be made aware so often and so harshly that I am as far from that State of Being as I have ever been, and that it is continually denied me no matter who I AM or what I do. I remain rejected, on the periphery of the world they inhabit peering in, like the proverbial child in the candy store, unable to attain the forbidden pleasure. I hope that our separation proves to be as helpful as I desire it to be. I want to be released from the torture of being denied physical comfort and pleasure in the relationship which is the closest approximation of unconditional Love that I have attained thus far, with my dearest friends downstairs. I want to release them from the torture of being unable to provide that for me. They are innocent bystanders in this my war against the Universe, the war of finding Love in physicality that began when I arrived on this planet. They should not suffer because of my predicament, which long pre-existed their arrival.
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And lastly, the demographics of the area I will be living should be more suitable for finding companionship on many levels. I am fully cognizant of the fact that my awareness level, perspective, experience, desires and intentions to find unconditonal romantic Love are quite far removed from the norm, and this will be true no matter where I live, at least for the time being in this current time-space reality where the majority of the people are not playing on the same level of this game as I am, which is to experience total integration of the spiritual and the physical. As a matter of fact, the demographics of the area is most likely to represent the complete opposite of that which I desire and seek. It may be that Source is guiding me to the exact spot where this exact polarization will be present, for it may be that my work as an integrator is to go to the darkest spot in my own psyche that is possible before I find what I am looking for, thereby illuminating a place that has not been previously illuminated in all of history. Is that not all of our missions? To illuminate? What will this mean for me personally, from day to day? Will I fall prey to the lusts of the flesh, and become involved in a never-ending pursuit of the pleasure that I desire only to find that it is yet another addiction without resolution? Will I find some other way to achieve physical and emotional pleasure that might sustain me? If not, will my bet pay off that if I remain unable to find this Love all the way until the very day I leave physicality, at least the pursuit will be less painful living in the nice house, with the glass walls, in the hot climate, with the slow pace, and with the social activities and opportunity for swimming and sunshine?
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Will this move make me more comfortable as I continue to wrestle with the pain of separation?
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That is all I am asking for.
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