It's Saturday. I ate a few bites (my stomach is always in open revolt upon awakening) of egg, bacon and potato that Jesse made, while Michael potted the huge palm tree from their yard into a pot in front of my door (an HOA violation, but it is beautiful so I don't give a fuck), a power sized Jamba Juice, a bowl of hot and sour soup, three rice krispy marshmallow bars (found a box in the pantry while looking for crackers), fish sticks and tater tots, several water bottles, and several Dr. Peppers. So far so good. (P.S. I dare anyone who drinks to coffee to not do so one day and then come talk to me about Dr. Pepper - except you won't be talking, you will have a caffeine withdrawal headache). I am rid of the dizzy feeling. I want to go to Japanese tomorrow - I think I found a teppan grill in Irvine on Culver near Irvine Spectrum Drive, but would just as soon go to my favorite, Ichibiri in Laguna Niguel. I almost finished the laundry. I spilled an epsom salt, and when I vaccuumed, the crystals cleaned the dirt chamber of the Dyson nicely. I got paid, did the budget, and paid the bills. I made a decision to cancel my week-long seminar in Big Bear to reduce debt instead.
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My whole body hurts. Part of this is due to inactivity. I need to somehow get myself on a schedule. Maybe taking the Wellbutrin will assist me to stabilize enough to do this (I went ahead and started taking the generic along with the prilosec generic instead of the brand name because of the price, but hesitated for a month because I was terrified of the acid reflux side effect that the generic causes, and was not convinced that the prilosec would control it, and frankly, I am not strong enough for any more aches and pains). So, what I WANT to work toward is getting up each day, going for a Jamba Juice or making it at home (I might have to buy a freezer chest to store all the frozen stuff in), go across the street to the gym to use the treadmill, and also to re-create some of the activities I was doing at PT. Then, come home and make eggs and turkey bacon and maybe toast and OJ.
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If I were able to begin to move, it would produce natural endorphins, and also get my blood moving, and increase my appetite, which has fallen off to nothing. This would give me the energy to return to unraveling the question of what to do with my life now.
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It's a very funny thing - I had either worked and gone to school all through college, or worked two jobs while taking care of my mom, which stole all the years between 1981 and 1999. Then, I quit both jobs and the new one in San Franciso landed in my lap, which is how I ended up here. I have for ten years furiously worried about and worked toward two things - freedom from debt, and finding a partner. Time for a status and to re-think that a little bit.
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I managed the interruption of the year for surgery and losing my job and same level of income, but was still able to pay my $5,000 out-of-pocket cap for 2009, buy a new living room and bed, go on a much needed vacation in Palm Springs to see old friends, visit my niece for high school graduation, and most recently, buy myself a laptop. In August, I will pay my revolving debt down from about $10,500 to about $7,000, because we get three biweekly disability payments in August since there are 5 Mondays. In September, the big income changes occur, and I will stop receiving non-taxable EDD benefits and start receiving taxable private disability insurance benefits, and my income will drop again. But, I also have to start thinking about saving to pay IRS in 2011. Nonetheless, I should be able to continue to pay the revolving debt down to the level of about $2,000 pretty soon, and I want it gone altogether. This was a project that began after I repaid my student loans last year, and I was to be free of all revolving credit card debt by October of this year. I am glad to be back on that track now, and am frankly surprised at how it all came together - I fully expected that bankruptcy court would be my fate. And I still have no word on the lawsuit against my employer, which has the potential to pay out enough money to pay all of my debts, including both cars. Considering how well everything else has turned out in my favor, I hold out great hope for that to come to pass.
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OK Reality Check. I think there are way more reasons here for me to have lost my way, even worse than I have, and I have got to stop beating myself up. I will not, however, for one moment, relent in my assertion that my entire lifetime of touch deprivation, especially in the dating/romantic arena, has led to a strong sense of urgency that overwhelms me on a daily basis - meaning, that I am frequently overcome by the feeling that since I did not find my loving and romantic partner to satisfy my touch and interaction needs today, it is more probable with each day that passes that I will never find him, and it makes life to painful to bear. That is the most honest and basic truth about my assessment of myself and of my life - that I am a complete and total reject in the dating world, especially now that I am over 45, and the fear of growing old alone, hell of spending one week alone, freaks me completely out. Put another way, I have got to begin to replace all of my memories of day after day after day of rejection and miscommunication with other gay men with days where I spend time with them and enjoy myself in order to change my world view that I am all alone in the world.
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Meanwhile, I forgot what it was that I wanted to do when I started out all those years ago in 1981, or maybe I did not yet know that piece of the puzzle. Clearly, my passion involves my studies of physics, metaphysics,"New Age" religion, and all esoteric subjects. I am anxious to get to a point where I can see instant results of the application of these things in my everyday life, and to be in the company of others who are also excited about their study and application. I have the opportunity to go on a retreat around Halloween for an intensive study with Nassim Haramein, whose videos have me enthralled this evening. His Unified Field Theory I feel is a key to unlocking so many things all at once - the infinite energy stored in the vaccum, teleportation, the manipulation of matter, etc. and so on, that will so radically change the way we live our daily lives. I am on number 20 out of 45 of these short videos that were a conference that was filmed a little over a year ago.
I'd like to go, but it is not necessary or a deal-breaker for me - my priority after all is freedom from debt, and he will be doing more of these seminars that I can attend in the future - this one just happens to be in Yucca Valley which would mean no airline expenses.
This leads to the other thing I have been working on all these years, which is finding a partner. After having been single my entire life, after having never even been on so much as a second date with anyone, ever, after going for years and years at a time without so much as kissing another human, much less having any kind of touch or further contact, I met a guy last fall with whom I have much in common. But we have not been able to create the very interactive, fun, interesting, exciting, very sensual kind of relationship that I envision for myself, partly due to the incredible trauma to my body this year, partly due to his travel schedule, partly due to our communication styles, and partly due to the fact that our personalities are so similar that our energies mirror each other and magnify each others' depressive tendencies and tendencies toward quiet. With the boys' future looking like they have a big city run to do, at least for a while, which would leave me without their physical presence, I am leaning more and more toward moving to the desert if it means I can have my own home with a pool and spa. I do not know where my relationship is headed, whether he will continue the ungodly amount of time spent away from home, whether he will change jobs, or whether our futures will be spent together. I know that it is very frustrating for me, and especially with the long-term issues showing me that we may eventually separate, I am hesitant to allow myself to become attached.
"Life sucks and then you die," says my cousin Glenn, and while I have not yet been able to disprove his assertion, I don't want to spend any time on anything that is a known misery causing factor. So this relationship is about to be put to the fire test. We are about to find out what is really going on between us, and more importantly, where we are headed. It may all boil down to whether or not we can reconcile the different ways that we view the world.
The boys, well, that is a whole nother subject entirely. After probably 15 years of being all alone in big cities with few friends, their kindness ensnared me and I fell completely as head-over-heels in love with them as is possible I suppose in a platonic relationship, and consider them extensions of myself, for whom I would do anything. They don't see things quite the same way, and why should they - their experiences of life are vastly different than my own. But it is time for me to somehow, someway create a life that does not involve their daily interaction, especially if it means that we might be separated physcially in the next year or so by my moving or by them moving. I just still cannot wrap my mind around not having them near me. But anything's possible! Wow.
Well. This is the first August that I can ever remember that I will have enough cash to get through the end of the month without completely skimping and staying home and spending nothing, so let's see if I can explore some this month.
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