What is the treasure, anyway?

Jesse's birthday. I was leaving the men's group to come home. I had three messages, one from Mikey in Dallas telling a dirty joke, one from Howie telling me to come get him first so that he could bring the cake and put it in my refrigerator and then go to bed, and one from Jesse telling me that he was chilling out and thanked me for the birthday wish and said that if he did not see me today he'll see me at dinner tomorrow.

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I thought to myself, "Well, yeah, I gotta deal with Howie first because he is still so crushed by the whole ordeal last year that he just does not even want to be around the boys or me because it upsets him so because he misses us. OK. I'll message him that I am on my way home now, so that if when I get home the boys decide to come up, he will be in bed already and no one has to be upset. OMG. Wait! This is Jesse's birthday, OF COURSE this would be the night on which the cycles of time placed the opportunity to begin this healing, by synchronistically having them all in my apartment at the same by accident, which is what is appearing before me - it is a gift from the cosmos, from God, a chance to begin anew, but WOW I am not sure I am up for this tonight."

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Naturally, it all came together EXACTLY as I had envisioned it, only Howie did not stick around, but the seeds of healing are sewn. I release attachment. But, everyone agreed that the living situation is unhealthy and that something, anything would be better than this. Perhaps we will have a miracle in Santa Ana.

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So this interaction between all of them made me as anxious as all hell, Howie was hanging around much longer than he has so far, and the whole strain of our estrangment was really making me nervous. It was to the point where Jesse was picking it up off me and having to distance himself, so yeah, I was bouncing off the walls, but I could not reveal its origins to him and blamed it on Wellbutrin - which is only partially the origin of my nervousness - why not? Why can't I? What or who am I afraid of hurting? It does not matter to me that he does not see the entire picture, I cannot force him to see that, and it does not matter to me that I am so mad at stubborn Howie for isolating himself so completely that I could scream. But, there is no blame to be placed anywhere. I just have a strong desire that the four of them reconcile, somehow, in some way, because it is raising my childhood issues that my family could just cut each other out and stop all communication, and abandon me, like Howie and Marlene. OMG of course - I don't want Jesse to abandon me, too. Just like my father and family. Wow. I did not realize that until this very moment.

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I am going to do affirmations, etc., and have signed up for a web seminar next week, and so on, to try to change my thinking, but no wonder this is so hard on me - it is raising all my past unresolved issues, as if to get a second look - OMG they truly ARE soulmates if they agreed to hold the mirror for me to see THIS kind of shit in. Fuck. Now I am really starting to climb the walls. Jesse suggested that I smoke and so I did.

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Cue out-of-body experience. I put my hand up to Jesse's face and started asking him to Stop Stop Stop while I collected myself because I was visited by an entity or went somewhere else, some other planet, or farther, to receive a message loud and clear - that I had to make sure that these two people, upon leaving my apartment, were secure in the knowledge that I was not completely nuts, that I appreciate them and have infinite gratitude for them, that I don't presume to know what actions that they should take in their lives, nor would I intend to impose my opinions of them if I did. And here is Michael, dealing with his family and he is doing the opposite - he wants to impose his opinions on his family about certain subjects, and it is totally understandable. So which is it? So we are all standing around each of the issues, seeing them from a different perspective, playing whatever role we are supposed to play, learning whatever lessons we are supposed to learn.

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I then got to have this discussion with them about my own life and the trauma and shit that I am dealing with from years ago because the emotions were stuffed when I was taking care of my mother, because I did not have time to deal with it, and so it is all resurfacing now - but that it is not their issue, and that what must happen is that I must do the work - and I AM doing the work. It is not fun, but I am going to do it rather than walk around in this fog forever. And, that they have no stake in the issues, other than they are serving as mirrors for me to see my issues in because otherwise I would never find them in the first place, that's what friendship and love is about in this plane. They cannot "fix" me, and they are not responsible for my emotions. Only I am. I hope that the message was clear that I have nothing but infinite love for them, because of the growth I experience in their presence.

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So, my prayers are that complete healing takes place of all parties in every situation that is presenting itself as a result of this energy vortex we went through early last summer that tore us all apart. Of course, I am biased, and I do realize that it is possible that none will take place. But to see all of this come together like pieces of a puzzle returning to the original orbital spot, on Jesse's birthday, is such a wonderful incredible synchronistic birthday gift to all of us from the cosmos. If he could only see how much power and influence he actually has over others, and how much value he has among others, instead of thinking he is worthless, maybe he could relax and enjoy the ride without wanting to drink.

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I think it is pretty clear that the treasure is US, all of us, each to the other, connected at the very core from heart to heart, and we are all connected to the earth through our collective heartbeats. Yet we are willing to believe that our actions don't really have any significance, that we are separate from each other. How stupid we have been! There is no other! What we give out is what comes back.

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Forgive us as we forgive others and ourselves, and accept our gratitude for the opportunity to be of service to others, even in the darkest hours of our own struggles.

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I will shut up now that I have documented my paranormal experience fully and am satisfied that I can go to sleep and forget about it now without forgetting any details. I will leave on this note, the incredible essay that was written by Jesse's friend Dan, one year ago, on his birthday, which I sent it to him then. I wonder when he reads it now if it will have any different meaning than before, because I know that it sure does for me.

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JESSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I AM SORRY FOR WIGGING OUT AND KEEPING YOU UP LATE.

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Dan wrote:

"Signs of intense change are upon us. the mystery and magic at work defy all that I have witnessed, and can comprehend. The call of change is a call of death and rebirth. This is a time unlike any humans have known. These are the days when life as we know it ends. We are entering a new way, and the birth has begun.

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In the times ahead, when uncertainty dances with confusion, and the hope of a world of balanced love may be born, we shall face much disaster. The breath of Gaia shall draw more deeply, and the winds of our world shall tear down what she chooses. Her storms and her tides shall rise, and reshape the land for a new time, moving us as she will. Her body shall quake, and open forces from the deep that we fear more than we know. Her fires shall rise, and be unleashed to burn the old ways forever. And her Spirit shall make itself known within each of us.

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This is the dawn of an age of chaos. It is beyond our control, and well within hers. Humans will die, through compassion and fierce justice for the imbalances we have come to embody. Many many opportunities will be given to follow new ways. Do not fear. Place in your hearts the commitment to surrender yourself into this, our body. Act and share and do and be in the ways that call in a new way. Of balance, of love, of magic.

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Each time the fear rises, each time the ground of our ways ripples more, and takes more of itself back into the earth, choose new life. Choose the capacity to be reborn yourself, with nothing more than what you need. And all that you need shall be here.

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Open, please, to sharing love beyond the constraints of our practices, our patterns, our gospels, our fears, our cultures. The culture in which we have been raised is dying, and it is not meant to last much longer. Trust yourself. We are of her, and when we accept our body our spirit, as the love that breathes the new world into being, we become that.

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We will move where we need to be, when we need to, without confusion. We shall stay where we need to be, when we need to stay, and be open to doing and being and sharing all that we can to guide ourselves and each other into the deepest roots of love that we are prepared to become.

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Do this now.

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Surrender yourself now, in your mind, into your own heart, which is already, and has always been, of her essence. Allow the brain, and its daunting gifts to this world, to humble itself to the world herself, and the path of love shall open even deeper to you, and you shall make choices that are this much more of our very finest nature. For we are needed. Our love is the divinity of a new age.

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Be it. Choose this now.

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We are needed.

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If you are an artist, make your art in each moment. Begin now. We are asked to create love in the face of all fear and pain. If a storm tears down my home, I shall dance in the grass. If a fire burns down my store of food, I shall make music in the ashes. For that which we create in our souls is what shall surround us and those we love. We ripple through the minds of those who are changing by our side, and makes all more fully prepared to be born anew.

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Make love, and keep making love in the face of all fear. Begin now, and do not stop save to rest in joy. Joy for the love that we all long to be. And we are called, we are begged, to keep making it, to ease the changes. to live the prayer that the pains be loved into peace, the devestations sink back into the earth and the sands of time, and the flowers of our hearts shall sprout, and keep living long past what we can anticipate.

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See in the eyes of those you know, and those you watch, the choices they are making. Feel in your body the ripples of the vibrations that everyone creates. If beings are choosing fear, allow them to. If those you love choose fear, speak your peace, and walk away. For arguments shall not birth love, and anger breeds itself. If you encounter either, be them, feel them, and let them go. Make love, and keep making love, in all ways you can.

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Care for your body. Begin now. Now for this is your sacred gift and connection to this world. It is from the strength of the balance we create in our body that our love may rise and ripple through our shared body Gaia.

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Gaia, I am Gaian. Protect me in the days and years ahead. Guide me to peace and safety, to open myself to your calling, and to align my dreams with yours. May I be joy and creative love in the face of whatever changes come. May the seeds I carry in the Garden of my heart sprout wherever they may grow well, of true balance, where humans remember our self, become anew... And learn to be reborn as Angels.
Gaia, Into your hands I commend my spirit."