I have been tied to California through my work. I have never been able to put any other roots down in this state. My emotional state has reflected this fact as an underlying feeling of unease, unhappiness, a of feeling of being outcast, unwanted, and unloved.
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Verbal proclamations that I am accepted and wanted and loved are not a substitute for what life is *actually* like for someone who is accepted and wanted and loved. The fact remains that I do not have the consistent, appropriate social and physical contact with anyone which would alleviate these feelings. Admittedly, this is by my own design, as I created a world in whhich I was alone so that I would not have to deal with constant rejection and the insanity around me with all the drug-using, HIV positive men who have no respect for anyone, especially themselves. I decided long ago that I would much rather stay home than be subjected to their drama. I have wonderful friendships, but even those provide only incomplete, inconsistent and sporadic demostrations of acceptance and love, which is probably characteristic of most relationships today in our fragmented society, but that is not enough.
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Even in those relationships, I find myself constantly gasping for air because there are so many parallels between these current relationships and my life experiences with my family, including disapproval, the invalidation of my emotions, and outright abandonment. This drowning feeling comes from the absence of the person I have been dating, which raises abandonment issues with my father, and from behaviors from others that mirror my family's general unhappiness and rejection of each other. No wonder I am feeling as though I have no foundation under my feet on which to stand.
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Mind you, there is no blame to be placed, nobody is at fault, and this is simply an assessment of what is making me crazy. The only way for me to alleviate this is to communicate my needs and to give those who love me the opportunity to make adjustments. The adjustments will either satisfy my emotional needs or they will not. If not, then I will know that I must take further action to get my needs met in the form of new activities, new friendships, new dating partners, maybe counseling, maybe an extended vacation to clear my head. In fact all of these things sound like good ideas.
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It is clear that my dating situation does not meet the requirements that I have for daily romantic interaction, a lifelong dream. It is also clear that this situation is not going to resolve, so I have no choice but to redefine that relationship. It is clear that the people on whom I have become dependent for all other interaction have been unable to meet my needs of daily communication, appreciation, validation, and physical contact in the form of conversation, hand-holding, hugs, etc., either because they are not aware how important these things are, or, because they are not completely getting their own needs met, which would leave them unable to extend this level of interaction to anyone else.
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Again, this is not an exercise to point fingers or to place any blame. It is simply an exercise meant to define exactly what is making me want to leave the planet, and to figure out how I am going to change the situations so that I feel wanted, needed, and loved.
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Most recently this arose as a severe emotional reaction to a behavior or an interaction pattern between my best friends, which mirrors a behavior pattern that I observed in my parents' relationship when I was a small child, and we know how that relationship ended. This is raising all kinds of abandonment fears inside my psyche, and is painful and scary and anything BUT comfortable and loving and safe. I regret that they have percieved this as a criticism, because I do not have any intention of directing anyone else's behavior. (There is no indication that the pattern I see in my friends' relationship means that they are on the same path, or that they will end up like my parents, or that there are any similarities at all, but the mere presence of the behavior pattern is enough to make me relive the earlier discomfort). But I know that I am going to have to isolate myself from the behavior because I cannot continue to subject myself to the panic that is caused by fears of abandonment, because it makes me want to leave the planet.
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No one can be in charge of making sure that my needs are met except ME. I can offer suggestions to others who proclaim that they love me, and leave it to them to choose whether or not they will honor my needs and act accordingly. I need a safe, loving, validating environment, and I need daily (if possible) conversation, which could be a simple telephone call, or email, asking how I am and whether I need anything. It does not mean that I need or want to monopolize anyone's time. During times when I am given the pleasure of physical interaction in the proximity of my loved ones, I need to hold their hand, to hug them, to sit next to them, to be comforted like a child or pet, because my inner child is severly wounded. Imagine carrying unresolved wounds of rejection and abandonment for a lifetime into adulthood. It is my belief that everyone has core issues of the wounded inner child to some extent; it is clear that I have one of the most severe cases, which falls just below sexual abuse by a parent on the scale of severity. It is not the responsibility of any of my loved ones to repair this, but I would like to think that anyone who proclaimed to love me would want to make a conscientious effort to not push my buttons and to not behave in ways that would cause me direct harm, if at all possible, if given the opportunity to understand what those buttons are and how to avoid them. That's all - nothing else.
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Thanks be to God for the ability to finally understand what is going on inside my brain, because I have felt like a piece of driftwood awash at sea for way too long. It is still my intention to find a partner who is here with me, working daily to create a loving, safe enviroment in which to live. It is my intention to foster the relationships that I already have in a manner that promotes mutual respect, deliberate devotion and dedication to the highest good for all concerned, as well as to create new relationships based upon these same principles.
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Michael described it well once; he made the observation about me and said that "I love - that is what I do." It is very true. I live to serve others in a loving manner, and I want everyone that I love to FEEL it in their heart of hearts. I would never want to behave in a manner that would cause anyone that I loved to question their worth, or to question whether or not they were wanted, needed and loved. Perhaps this strong directive comes from my lifelong struggle to feel loved.
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Now that I understand, I have no choice but to begin to screen all of the activities in my life and to eliminate those activities that make me feel anything except wanted, needed, and loved. My well-being is at stake.
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LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.
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