Sunday, August 30, 2009

Doves nested in my carport.

The day after I got home from the hospital, a visitor was sitting on my car.

This bird is not scared of me. One day, s/he was standing on the sidewalk as I was going inside, so I stopped and remained motionless and cooed so that s/he could learn to recognize me.


Now, s/he poses for photos!



Michael says that s/he is watching over us - we are all having very difficult times right now.




Later, Michael snapped these photos of the little ones. They stay in the nest with one parent while the other goes to feed and bring back goodies for the baby birds.



I placed a feeder full of seeds where they can reach it. So cute!


Monday, August 24, 2009

Simply Melting the Ice

Simply Melting The Ice
By Alice Miller
http://www.icewisdom.com/news/articles/melting/index.php

Alice Miller is a manager with a Canadian-based newsletter company. The following is an excerpt from an article she wrote for her local newspaper.
Several years ago I had the privilege of experiencing a woman melt the ice in the hearts of people in her midst with the simplest of gestures. On a Monday morning, I arrived at a bus station at the bottom of Mt. Washington in the heart of LA. The streets were fairly vacant with the exception of an older woman sitting at the bus stop. I greeted her and inquired if she knew much about the bus schedules. She glared at me as I asked her about what bus would take me to the train station and after sizing me up, she barked out the bus number. Her expression made it clear that no further inquiries would be welcome.The bus arrived and we both boarded. At the door I asked the bus driver what the trip would cost. He tersely informed me that it was a dollar and he did not make change. I asked a woman sitting by the entrance if there was any chance she had changed. Clearly annoyed by my request and with much ado, she handed me change for my $5 dollar bill, along with a sneer.
I sat down in a seat and took in the people around me contemplating the hostility. We rode in silence as the bus filled. A Chinese woman boarded the bus. She had an open face that was a contrast to the others on the bus; she was absolutely beautiful, one of those people whose spirit just shone through, though I wondered if she might be a bit “loco poco”? I was fascinated by her as she smiled broadly and tried to communicate something about the handrail with hand gestures to a fellow rider.
The bus eventually stopped at a busy intersection and people disembarked. The Chinese woman was the last in the line to leave. When she reached the driver she stopped, placed her plastic bags on the floor and fished for something out of the bottom of one of them. The two women I met in the beginning looked on with disgust since the woman appeared to be holding up the bus. She then pulled her hand out of the bag and produced an orange. She handed the orange to the bus driver, bowed slightly and then without looking back, she left.
There was a moment when everything stood still; it was the proverbial, “you could have heard a pin drop”. Within that moment the atmosphere of the bus changed. The driver said something pleasant to the group and people began talking. The woman who had provided me with change asked in a jovial tone if anyone had “played last night’s lottery”. People began chatting back and forth.I watched the Chinese woman walk through the crowds on the street totally unaware and unassuming even though, without speaking a word, she had just melted the hearts of so many on the bus. When the bus pulled into the train station the driver let me know we had arrived. The first woman got off at the same stop. She was walking away but stopped and turned back toward me; she told me where I’d have to go to get into the station and then wished me a pleasant trip. I was stunned by the transformation I had just witnessed. The Chinese woman was not “loco poco” at all – perhaps she had been the sanest person on that bus. I decided that I wanted to grow to be like that woman.
(full story on linked page)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Fast work there, Dave.

I have in my hot little hands a list of in-network hospitals to choose from so that I can call each for an assessment to see whether I need inpatient or extensive outpatient care, and have called both doctors to leave a message to find out if they have any experience or a preference for any of these hospitals. I also found out that my counselor is an in-network provider as well, so I can stay in treatment with her, too.
.
So now, I am going to go to sleep. Sometime today I need to get up and feed myself and clean my nasty apartment. It is really not that bad, the few dishes need to be done, and the trash taken out, and the bedding changed and that's probably all that is absolutely needed.
.
And then by Monday or Tuesday I will hopefully get an appointment for an assessment at one of the hospitals to find out just exactly what is recommended for my situation. Because this depression has completely overwhelmed me, and it is time to get treatment.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Intervention.

So my friends think that I am emotionally abusing them by requiring affection, which makes perfect sense because I felt emotionally abused being ignored. Of course the mirror would show the two sides of that story. I understand their plight and promise to not contribute to making them feel emotionally abused. I hope they understand my point of view and don't ignore me. Really, wouldn't it be nice if I had so much attention that I did not care whether or not they ever ignored me. I'll work on creating THAT reality for myself.
They seem to think that inpatient treatment (for depression) is a good idea, and frankly, it has crossed my mind. I'll make some calls on Monday.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

We THINK we know...

We THINK we know what Love is.

We can BARELY IMAGINE what Love is.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

And if THAT were not enough...

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=472726

The Council of 12 * August 2009 MessageBeing Awake During The 2012 Window ChangesCopyright 2009 by Selacia * www.Selacia.com
You live in a time when the secrets of your past are coming to light. It is also a time when you have access to significantly more energetic momentum to create the kind of world you have long sought to inhabit. These two transformational factors make this a very unique time to be alive.What can you do, on a practical level, with this information?First is to grasp what these transformational factors mean, and how to apply them appropriately in your life. As you do this, you can access the tools you will need to successfully navigate the 2012 window changes.
Consider how you feel about being born during these times. Know that the inner questions you have about being on Earth now are echoed by many others across the globe.Examples:1. Have you ever asked yourself what is really so different now, beyond the doom-and-gloom headlines you see regularly?2. Have you contemplated why you were not better prepared for what you face?3. Are you curious about 2012 and what it really means for you?4. Do you wonder why there are so many more changes than you expected?Change is a given in your life's journey. However, when you view change during these historic moments of time, you must be prepared to look with new eyes.The changes you face in these times are different. Likewise, the positive changes you can create are of a magnitude your ancestors would not be able to comprehend.The 2012 window is an auspicious period of time, unlike any other you have experienced as a soul.If you were to die right now and have a life review, seeing your past lives, you would find no past reference point for today's journey. That is because what is happening now is unprecedented.What is Different - What is the SameWhile much is different now, key universal truths continue to apply. The qualities of enlightenment, for example, remain the same. Another constant is the true nature of energy and how it propels you into experiences. The threads of these truths you will find throughout your cosmic history.The path of awakening involves a journey of becoming awake and self- realized. It is a process of self discovery which occurs in stages over time. It was no different for the great realized ones in your history books and religious texts.Enlightened beings such as Buddha and Kuan Yin-who now interact with humanity-are in a continuation of the evolutionary process, advancing spiritually as they assist others. Therefore, there are stages of being awake and enlightened, just as there are levels of consciousness.It is important to understand that there are no short cuts to enlightenment. Spiritual openings and advancements occur in direct response to your consciousness and how you respond to life circumstances.You are always responding to life, whether you do so in a conscious way or unconsciously. Your responses may not seem to "go anywhere," or to impact others.An example is when you are simply feeling a certain way or thinking out loud to yourself. However, even these internal responses are continually creating your energetic signature. Therefore, these internal responses are just as important to your evolution as the actions you take in the world.Your energetic signature, and what you do with it on both internal and external levels, is the key to what you will experience.Your Potential in the 2012 WindowThis simple principle of cause and effect is a universal one, applicable the same today as in any other time. Universal truths such as this, often kept secret or accessible to a limited number of people, are now quickly becoming commonly accepted ideas.While the universal truths are unchanging, your potential to evolve in this 2012 window is markedly different.Because of today's quickening, you have opportunities to self-realize with greater momentum. It helps you to be living in a time of global awakening, when people all across the world are being nudged out of a very long sleep. What happens with these other people impacts you, and vice versa. Do not underestimate this.There is a potent magnification factor in numbers, too. The Earth now has more people incarnated at one time than ever before.This is not an accident. The souls incarnated now have had a long journey, just as you have. They have put in motion, through their past energetic actions, the seeds that would allow them to incarnate now. It was, therefore, the destiny of their souls to be birthed during this special cycle of time.When Things Feel CrazyWhen you have one of those days of feeling like everything is crazy and there is no point, remind yourself of the intricate dance you and others orchestrated in order to be alive now.Each person on Earth today has the potential to be a conscious part of the planet's radical shifting.Much needs to fall away to make room for the new more light-filled world. The clearing out process is on a personal level, and it is on group and global levels too.Since the overhaul involves so much, and is so wide-ranging, it is normal that you would sometimes feel inadequate for the task. Sometimes you may simply want to erect a big stop sign, as though telling the world you cannot or will not face whatever is there.In fact, you want to be conscious of each moment, so that you can have a real say in the outcome. As you do your part, you can become a co- creator of some very amazing changes. Your ancestors might call them miracles!It is helpful to remind yourself that no one is a finished product. You are not from an assembly line, and you do not want to live your life in a mechanized way either. There are countless factors beneath the surface of your awareness that impact how you respond to life today.One of them is your early conditioning, and connected to that is the conditioning of your parents. You may think that you have nothing in common with your parents or siblings. Think again.You share DNA, and your DNA was also impacted early on by the experiences you had with these people. Also, at a DNA level, you hold patterns from your birth family's lineage. These patterns or belief systems, recorded inside your DNA, are rooted in very old energies going back hundreds of years.As you deal with life challenges today, you will want to investigate the limiting belief systems and related patterns that get triggered. They will naturally come to the surface as you try to move forward and do what you feel you have come to Earth to do.No SecretsDo not be afraid of these things when they arise. Instead, put out a welcome mat to these "past secrets" so that you can bring them to light and clear their limiting impact.Remember that there really are no secrets from an energetic standpoint. Whatever you find on the journey of awakening is energy that was there all along. The sooner you open your mind to knowing what is there, as it surfaces, the sooner you can be free.Trust that you are loved and supported as you take this journey. Decide today that you will believe this, even if your outer world is telling you something else. Invite your heart's inner wisdom to show you how to receive and tangibly feel the love and support.As you continue the journey of rediscovering your Divine nature, we surround you with our love and blessings. We are The Council of 12.All content in these articles is Copyright by Selacia. You are welcome to share this material with others -- and we invite you to post articles to your blog or website -- as long as you include the full article, Selacia's byline and her website http://www.Selacia.com with each posting.An intuitive healer with an international following, Selacia is an author of books including a new one focusing on changes in the 2012 window. In this book, she brings The Teachings of The Council of 12 to the world. The Council of 12 is a group of highly evolved nonphysical guides who lovingly assist with bringing clarity, healing and shifts in consciousness.Follow Selacia and The Council of 12 on Facebook by joining her Facebook page as a "fan." Visit: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Selacia-The-Council-of-12/119090911407Visit her website http://www.Selacia.com for more information and to join her mailing list for articles such as those you see here. We welcome you to our growing community of lightworkers!

A summary of a discourse from Archangel Zadkiel

Apparently I am not the only one revisiting old wounds...

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=472721


The Process of Crystalline Energization
"Welcome, and great joy to all of you! We have much to share with you at this time of Re-awakening, Re-activation, and Re-membrance!

The energy required of the crystallization process must lift up through the physical body. It must lift up. This does not mean it is not capable of moving downward, it simply means that is MUST move up at this time to support your multi-dimensional expansion. Your heart already knows this.
As this energy lifts up and out, it often gets trapped in the head because the head likes to trap things. The head likes to ruminate, and many of you have interrupted sleep patterns. You must recognize that within the sleep interruptions there are many other physical experiences that are happening. Many are now clenching their teeth in their sleep, and are waking with jaw pain, fatigue, and headaches. Many are lying awake caught in a perceived stress loop, and pre-occupied with why they are "re-visiting" old patterns. It is not about the stress of the 3D world dear ones. It is about the energy that is being released at this time. This energy is simply trying to stay by trapping in the head. And as the head enjoys steps, we offer you some to ease this process.
Three Steps to Ease Integration
Once you recognize what is happening, there are several things that you can do to ease the process.

1. Stay in high altitude or visit high altitude as often as possible. Over five thousand feet is very good for you. If this is not possible, then we suggest pictures of high altitude places around you such as the Himalayas, Andes, Rockies, etc. Spend time daily in quietude with the high altitude pictures in front of you.
High altitude accelerates and escalates crystalline connection.Is it any wonder why so many say, "I must escape to the mountains to go find peace and serenity."
2. Continue to use deep, deep breath. Deep breath brings forth many energetic connections. Deep breath, combined with high altitude, will assist to rapidly integrate the crystallization of the bloodstreams.
3. Drink as much pure water as you can tolerate. If you feel you are unable to tolerate much, than build your tolerance. You are energy and the flow of your energy escalates and normalizes with water.

Remember dearest children; there is an hourglass in front of you, and it is a joyous hourglass! With each sand that goes through it there is a time of great freedom and great reunification. Honor this body. Honor this life. Honor this beautiful gift of light, of life. This is an amazing and marvelous time of being. What do you truly want to do with it? Pay attention to the truth! You are all in another dimension in this moment right now. Many of you see it. Pay attention. Know the truth. Know who you are. You are loved, you are supported, and you are blessed!

You are free and you have Abundant and Infinite possibilities still in front of you. What do you chose for them to be?

There are no accidents dear ones, you should know this! Give yourself the gift of healing and receiving. If you do not already have pens of many colors we encourage you to get them because you have a lot to write and color is important! Use your paintbrush often. Do not be so content with the old blue/black pen. Go get some color and have some fun!

This powerful time of shift is a great gift. You are a gift. You are precious beyond belief. If you ever forget that, call us up and we will remind you."

So what WOULD life look like if I were happy?

I would like to:

Get up at a decent hour each day, get a Jamba Juice and water, take my pills, and then go for a walk or something involving movement.

Then I would like to eat a high protein breakfast.

I would like to spend more time in the sun.

I would like to take more trips, as I become more able to tolerate travel.

I would like to eat better and more often.

I would like to find a way to raise the money for my braces. This involves the committment to see the periodontist and to endure whatever barbaric shit they want to do to me like gum tissue transplants (done wide awake!) and various other tortures.

I would like to see more people making a concerted effort to deliberately co-create their surroundings and life circumstances, by sharing their versions of the "ideal" world so as to be able to support each other in the highest good, and, to come to some concensus about what the ideal situation would BE. This level of communication requires examination of the very definition and connnotations associated with words themselves, as there could be no room for error in communications in order to build this type of concensus that would manifest as reality. Where everyone involved would be getting their needs completely met, would be performing work of the highest value to them and which is their passion, thereby not seeming like work at all. Where society replaced competition for the basic necessities of life, like food, water, air, shelter, clothing, education, medical care, and the physical and emotional components of Love.

Where sexuality would become the method for Divine communication, and would be used as a method for connecting with All That Is in a meditative state, instead of a tool to satisfy an ego construct that creates our happiness or unhappiness or perceived value or status in society. This would remove the need for ideas such as marriage, although in no way would it negate the value of loving partnerships for some people. Where everyone became skilled observers of themselves and of their emotions from outside the experience, so as to become free from the influence of emotion. All emotion except for the natural, Loving State of Bliss is a perceptual error that arises when we compare our current perceived state with a percieved state in an alternate or parallel reality (and we have many simultaneously), and then experience dissonance between the two states - this produces emotions like fear, anxiety, worry, excitement, anticipation, and every emotion in between.

E-motion, energy in motion, can be quieted when we become still, motionless, present and aware of the current moment, in which everything is perfect, and from which we have an infinite potential for the appearance and quality of the very next moment, etc., and so on. When enough of us become aware of the parallel realities, and of the fact that our suffering comes from comparing those with the present moment, we will create a critical mass of people who are present in the current moment, and our consciousnesses will link together, or rather, we will become aware that our indiviual consciesnesses are merely fractal facets of the One consciousness.

This is to say that once we are able to remove self-judgment from the equation, and can see ourselves happy in a future state, as if it were the present, and vice versa, happy in the present as if it were after some future event has occurrred, we will also be able to escape the bondage of guilt, which is the opposite of Love.

I would like to see more community interaction and a more highly organized method for locating like-minded members of any given community.



I will add to this list as I think of things...

I'm not crazy after all - but it's a slippery slope.

I have been tied to California through my work. I have never been able to put any other roots down in this state. My emotional state has reflected this fact as an underlying feeling of unease, unhappiness, a of feeling of being outcast, unwanted, and unloved.
.
Verbal proclamations that I am accepted and wanted and loved are not a substitute for what life is *actually* like for someone who is accepted and wanted and loved. The fact remains that I do not have the consistent, appropriate social and physical contact with anyone which would alleviate these feelings. Admittedly, this is by my own design, as I created a world in whhich I was alone so that I would not have to deal with constant rejection and the insanity around me with all the drug-using, HIV positive men who have no respect for anyone, especially themselves. I decided long ago that I would much rather stay home than be subjected to their drama. I have wonderful friendships, but even those provide only incomplete, inconsistent and sporadic demostrations of acceptance and love, which is probably characteristic of most relationships today in our fragmented society, but that is not enough.
.
Even in those relationships, I find myself constantly gasping for air because there are so many parallels between these current relationships and my life experiences with my family, including disapproval, the invalidation of my emotions, and outright abandonment. This drowning feeling comes from the absence of the person I have been dating, which raises abandonment issues with my father, and from behaviors from others that mirror my family's general unhappiness and rejection of each other. No wonder I am feeling as though I have no foundation under my feet on which to stand.
.
Mind you, there is no blame to be placed, nobody is at fault, and this is simply an assessment of what is making me crazy. The only way for me to alleviate this is to communicate my needs and to give those who love me the opportunity to make adjustments. The adjustments will either satisfy my emotional needs or they will not. If not, then I will know that I must take further action to get my needs met in the form of new activities, new friendships, new dating partners, maybe counseling, maybe an extended vacation to clear my head. In fact all of these things sound like good ideas.
.
It is clear that my dating situation does not meet the requirements that I have for daily romantic interaction, a lifelong dream. It is also clear that this situation is not going to resolve, so I have no choice but to redefine that relationship. It is clear that the people on whom I have become dependent for all other interaction have been unable to meet my needs of daily communication, appreciation, validation, and physical contact in the form of conversation, hand-holding, hugs, etc., either because they are not aware how important these things are, or, because they are not completely getting their own needs met, which would leave them unable to extend this level of interaction to anyone else.
.
Again, this is not an exercise to point fingers or to place any blame. It is simply an exercise meant to define exactly what is making me want to leave the planet, and to figure out how I am going to change the situations so that I feel wanted, needed, and loved.
.
Most recently this arose as a severe emotional reaction to a behavior or an interaction pattern between my best friends, which mirrors a behavior pattern that I observed in my parents' relationship when I was a small child, and we know how that relationship ended. This is raising all kinds of abandonment fears inside my psyche, and is painful and scary and anything BUT comfortable and loving and safe. I regret that they have percieved this as a criticism, because I do not have any intention of directing anyone else's behavior. (There is no indication that the pattern I see in my friends' relationship means that they are on the same path, or that they will end up like my parents, or that there are any similarities at all, but the mere presence of the behavior pattern is enough to make me relive the earlier discomfort). But I know that I am going to have to isolate myself from the behavior because I cannot continue to subject myself to the panic that is caused by fears of abandonment, because it makes me want to leave the planet.
.
No one can be in charge of making sure that my needs are met except ME. I can offer suggestions to others who proclaim that they love me, and leave it to them to choose whether or not they will honor my needs and act accordingly. I need a safe, loving, validating environment, and I need daily (if possible) conversation, which could be a simple telephone call, or email, asking how I am and whether I need anything. It does not mean that I need or want to monopolize anyone's time. During times when I am given the pleasure of physical interaction in the proximity of my loved ones, I need to hold their hand, to hug them, to sit next to them, to be comforted like a child or pet, because my inner child is severly wounded. Imagine carrying unresolved wounds of rejection and abandonment for a lifetime into adulthood. It is my belief that everyone has core issues of the wounded inner child to some extent; it is clear that I have one of the most severe cases, which falls just below sexual abuse by a parent on the scale of severity. It is not the responsibility of any of my loved ones to repair this, but I would like to think that anyone who proclaimed to love me would want to make a conscientious effort to not push my buttons and to not behave in ways that would cause me direct harm, if at all possible, if given the opportunity to understand what those buttons are and how to avoid them. That's all - nothing else.
.
Thanks be to God for the ability to finally understand what is going on inside my brain, because I have felt like a piece of driftwood awash at sea for way too long. It is still my intention to find a partner who is here with me, working daily to create a loving, safe enviroment in which to live. It is my intention to foster the relationships that I already have in a manner that promotes mutual respect, deliberate devotion and dedication to the highest good for all concerned, as well as to create new relationships based upon these same principles.
.
Michael described it well once; he made the observation about me and said that "I love - that is what I do." It is very true. I live to serve others in a loving manner, and I want everyone that I love to FEEL it in their heart of hearts. I would never want to behave in a manner that would cause anyone that I loved to question their worth, or to question whether or not they were wanted, needed and loved. Perhaps this strong directive comes from my lifelong struggle to feel loved.
.
Now that I understand, I have no choice but to begin to screen all of the activities in my life and to eliminate those activities that make me feel anything except wanted, needed, and loved. My well-being is at stake.
.
LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

P.S.

I am not criticizing anyone or being judgmental for the sake of doing so. I can't even run my own life, much less anyone else's. Dear Sweet Jesus put that thought out of your mind. What I do need is help figuring people out so that I can understand why I have such emotional reactions to things.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm completely through with the Earth plane.

Completely.
.
I have to know my purpose, my mission, and how to position myself to embark upon that path in the fullest Joy available to me. I have no desire to remain behind any veils of separation. None. My heart is just completely broken and aches for the release of all separation consciousness in all of my relationships. It is time to instead be surrounded by Pure Love.
.
I want to have a heart-to-heart connection with someone, now and always. If I can't have it, what's the point in continuing? Why can't I find anyone who supports me, who will sit and hold my hand and look me in the eye and tell me that I am a sweet, wonderful, beautiful person who deserves all of the happiness that I perceive is missing, instead of trying to tell me that I have no reason to feel the way that I do? My father used to tell me that I had no reason to feel a certain way, rather than validating me and helping me find a better feeling about whatever subject was at hand. Why can't I find even one advocate, who would say to me, "Yes! Your vision of Love is totally awesome, I am right there with you, I am so sorry that I am unavailable to you but I fully support your endeavor!"? Why would anyone in their right mind want to continue living somewhere where they cannot find the all-encompassing Love they desire? Why would anyone want to continue down a path that was not 100% completely satisfying on every possible level? No one wants to feel continuously rejected, belittled, and unimportant.
.
Who says that you can't have comfort and Love on high, and wild, sexy physical pleasure at the same time? They are one in the same, are they not? Having only half the equation is like trying to see in the dark. I need this validation. I need a heart-centered connection with a friend and advocate who will support me and validate my feelings. It is not difficult or time-consuming or intrusive, or painful to say, "It's OK. I understand. You are valuable to me. Come here, sit with me and let's share loving interaction."
.
I forgive everyone
for everything
right now,
and ask for the same.
.
I give thanks for all that I have, for all of the people that I know. I pray that kind and supportive words will be bestowed upon me, and that I give them freely to all.
*See also, emotional validation techniques

New Moon in Leo 8-20-09

Hell no wonder we are stressed out of our minds.
"To summarize these grand square dynamics, let's put it all together: Uranus in late Pisces is maturing our spiritual transformations, as the Saturn/ Mercury opposition in Virgo encourages us to assess and ground our attainments. We are participating in the critical evolutionary leap, so knowing how far you've gone is valuable information now. Mars in Gemini squaring the Uranus-to-Saturn/Mercury opposition encourages us to disseminate our wisdom, to network with others who are attaining a galactic mind. Pluto in early Capricorn opposing Mars announces that nothing can stop this great work even if it means all the old world systems must crumble and fall. This close and meaningful grand square grounds and makes practical the wonderful spiritual advances by many people since 1999, yet less evolved individuals are probably experiencing a great crisis of meaning. Be patient with people who are insecure now. We must draw together within our families and communities and remember how to care for others."
"Your personal honesty will be tested this month as unpleasant events play out on the world stage that mirror back the radical imbalances in society."
"This nurturing trine of Venus to Uranus opens us to receive pleasure from our great transformations during summer's end; she entices us into meditation, sex, and friendship. Venus in Cancer sextiling Saturn/Mercury in Virgo suggests we should affirm our spiritual attainments this month and share this high joy with others."
"We have one more important aspect to look at, a configuration that reveals there is great hope because we are changing so fast now. As usual, the hope comes from healing deep wounding and becoming spiritual."
"The Leo New Moon is asking much of each one of us. When it comes to attaining spiritual awakening, it is wise to surrender to forces greater than our selves. You might as well just give in, because it is easier that way."

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Weirdness at CMG.


Overall, a 55 and older event. Seems strange to be hanging with the geriatric crowd, but OK, if that is my station in life, so be it.
.
First man I saw, I recognized from seeing at the meeting when we were trying to get a Long Beach chapter off the ground. At that meeting, it seemed to me that he was not "all there." This was confirmed today, he was like a school kid, unaware of anything outside the physical. The most fun he had at the last pool party was the plastic squirt guns, with which he squirted everyone. I am sure they were amused.
.
Dirty old man molested young black man in hot tub while sitting on his boyfriend's lap. I could see this from all the way the other side of the pool. Dirty old man later swam up to me being weird.
.
The condition of the 55-60 year old crowd with HIV reminds me why I stay home at night.
.
Saw the facilitator of the foot massage workshop I attended a year or two ago. He gave a strange reaction to my enthusiasm at remembering this. Real conversation killer, that one was.
.
There was a man with a very small penis who ultimately removed his clothing (even though there were several persons who were not nude), but then made very obvious and painful to watch efforts to hide this at all costs. It was quite strange to watch, and quite strange that this reinforced how important this is to people, to their self-images. Interesting how the opposite is true for larger-than-average men who want the whole world to see.
.
I was recongnized by some guy from AOL who remembered me from a photo I had on AOL 5 or more years ago. He was hitting on me HARD. But he was hitting on EVERYBODY hard, so that did not mean much.
.
Drive home on 405 was INSANE. When the gridlock finally broke up, we were like sardines packed on the freeway so tight that we could not even change lanes, and were trying to fight our way around the 60 MPH crowd we could get some mileage under us, and it was IMPOSSIBLE. 10-15 of us were weaving, speeding in and out of traffic trying to get a clear spot, but there were none. By the time I arrived home I had overdone it with my back for sure, and everything from the low back to the calves was ON FIRE. Reminded me of why I have no interest in going to Agape or CMG LA events - to fucking far away from home, I can't handle it physically.
.
Ordered a pizza that was made wrong (because I did not understand the website order process), cost a few bucks more than I wanted it to, and was not half as tasty as I had hoped. At least it is something in my stomach, although we ate well today. They practically licked the bowl of the avocado dish - it is always a big hit. Time for some wine - or I will never sleep a wink with this pain level.
.
I was grateful for the chance to get out of the house and meet with others, although I am finding that the "others" are all nuts, which is why I decided to stay home alone years ago LOL. I was grateful for the nude time in the sunshine, and the variety of food to choose from. Otherwise, I am not so sure if this is my crowd or not.
.
Also, lotto customer and asian clerk at liquor store got into it.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

What is the treasure, anyway?

Jesse's birthday. I was leaving the men's group to come home. I had three messages, one from Mikey in Dallas telling a dirty joke, one from Howie telling me to come get him first so that he could bring the cake and put it in my refrigerator and then go to bed, and one from Jesse telling me that he was chilling out and thanked me for the birthday wish and said that if he did not see me today he'll see me at dinner tomorrow.
.
I thought to myself, "Well, yeah, I gotta deal with Howie first because he is still so crushed by the whole ordeal last year that he just does not even want to be around the boys or me because it upsets him so because he misses us. OK. I'll message him that I am on my way home now, so that if when I get home the boys decide to come up, he will be in bed already and no one has to be upset. OMG. Wait! This is Jesse's birthday, OF COURSE this would be the night on which the cycles of time placed the opportunity to begin this healing, by synchronistically having them all in my apartment at the same by accident, which is what is appearing before me - it is a gift from the cosmos, from God, a chance to begin anew, but WOW I am not sure I am up for this tonight."
.
Naturally, it all came together EXACTLY as I had envisioned it, only Howie did not stick around, but the seeds of healing are sewn. I release attachment. But, everyone agreed that the living situation is unhealthy and that something, anything would be better than this. Perhaps we will have a miracle in Santa Ana.
.
So this interaction between all of them made me as anxious as all hell, Howie was hanging around much longer than he has so far, and the whole strain of our estrangment was really making me nervous. It was to the point where Jesse was picking it up off me and having to distance himself, so yeah, I was bouncing off the walls, but I could not reveal its origins to him and blamed it on Wellbutrin - which is only partially the origin of my nervousness - why not? Why can't I? What or who am I afraid of hurting? It does not matter to me that he does not see the entire picture, I cannot force him to see that, and it does not matter to me that I am so mad at stubborn Howie for isolating himself so completely that I could scream. But, there is no blame to be placed anywhere. I just have a strong desire that the four of them reconcile, somehow, in some way, because it is raising my childhood issues that my family could just cut each other out and stop all communication, and abandon me, like Howie and Marlene. OMG of course - I don't want Jesse to abandon me, too. Just like my father and family. Wow. I did not realize that until this very moment.
.
I am going to do affirmations, etc., and have signed up for a web seminar next week, and so on, to try to change my thinking, but no wonder this is so hard on me - it is raising all my past unresolved issues, as if to get a second look - OMG they truly ARE soulmates if they agreed to hold the mirror for me to see THIS kind of shit in. Fuck. Now I am really starting to climb the walls. Jesse suggested that I smoke and so I did.
.
Cue out-of-body experience. I put my hand up to Jesse's face and started asking him to Stop Stop Stop while I collected myself because I was visited by an entity or went somewhere else, some other planet, or farther, to receive a message loud and clear - that I had to make sure that these two people, upon leaving my apartment, were secure in the knowledge that I was not completely nuts, that I appreciate them and have infinite gratitude for them, that I don't presume to know what actions that they should take in their lives, nor would I intend to impose my opinions of them if I did. And here is Michael, dealing with his family and he is doing the opposite - he wants to impose his opinions on his family about certain subjects, and it is totally understandable. So which is it? So we are all standing around each of the issues, seeing them from a different perspective, playing whatever role we are supposed to play, learning whatever lessons we are supposed to learn.
.
I then got to have this discussion with them about my own life and the trauma and shit that I am dealing with from years ago because the emotions were stuffed when I was taking care of my mother, because I did not have time to deal with it, and so it is all resurfacing now - but that it is not their issue, and that what must happen is that I must do the work - and I AM doing the work. It is not fun, but I am going to do it rather than walk around in this fog forever. And, that they have no stake in the issues, other than they are serving as mirrors for me to see my issues in because otherwise I would never find them in the first place, that's what friendship and love is about in this plane. They cannot "fix" me, and they are not responsible for my emotions. Only I am. I hope that the message was clear that I have nothing but infinite love for them, because of the growth I experience in their presence.
.
So, my prayers are that complete healing takes place of all parties in every situation that is presenting itself as a result of this energy vortex we went through early last summer that tore us all apart. Of course, I am biased, and I do realize that it is possible that none will take place. But to see all of this come together like pieces of a puzzle returning to the original orbital spot, on Jesse's birthday, is such a wonderful incredible synchronistic birthday gift to all of us from the cosmos. If he could only see how much power and influence he actually has over others, and how much value he has among others, instead of thinking he is worthless, maybe he could relax and enjoy the ride without wanting to drink.
.
I think it is pretty clear that the treasure is US, all of us, each to the other, connected at the very core from heart to heart, and we are all connected to the earth through our collective heartbeats. Yet we are willing to believe that our actions don't really have any significance, that we are separate from each other. How stupid we have been! There is no other! What we give out is what comes back.
.
Forgive us as we forgive others and ourselves, and accept our gratitude for the opportunity to be of service to others, even in the darkest hours of our own struggles.
.
I will shut up now that I have documented my paranormal experience fully and am satisfied that I can go to sleep and forget about it now without forgetting any details. I will leave on this note, the incredible essay that was written by Jesse's friend Dan, one year ago, on his birthday, which I sent it to him then. I wonder when he reads it now if it will have any different meaning than before, because I know that it sure does for me.
.
JESSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I AM SORRY FOR WIGGING OUT AND KEEPING YOU UP LATE.
.
Dan wrote:
"Signs of intense change are upon us. the mystery and magic at work defy all that I have witnessed, and can comprehend. The call of change is a call of death and rebirth. This is a time unlike any humans have known. These are the days when life as we know it ends. We are entering a new way, and the birth has begun.
.
In the times ahead, when uncertainty dances with confusion, and the hope of a world of balanced love may be born, we shall face much disaster. The breath of Gaia shall draw more deeply, and the winds of our world shall tear down what she chooses. Her storms and her tides shall rise, and reshape the land for a new time, moving us as she will. Her body shall quake, and open forces from the deep that we fear more than we know. Her fires shall rise, and be unleashed to burn the old ways forever. And her Spirit shall make itself known within each of us.
.
This is the dawn of an age of chaos. It is beyond our control, and well within hers. Humans will die, through compassion and fierce justice for the imbalances we have come to embody. Many many opportunities will be given to follow new ways. Do not fear. Place in your hearts the commitment to surrender yourself into this, our body. Act and share and do and be in the ways that call in a new way. Of balance, of love, of magic.
.
Each time the fear rises, each time the ground of our ways ripples more, and takes more of itself back into the earth, choose new life. Choose the capacity to be reborn yourself, with nothing more than what you need. And all that you need shall be here.
.
Open, please, to sharing love beyond the constraints of our practices, our patterns, our gospels, our fears, our cultures. The culture in which we have been raised is dying, and it is not meant to last much longer. Trust yourself. We are of her, and when we accept our body our spirit, as the love that breathes the new world into being, we become that.
.
We will move where we need to be, when we need to, without confusion. We shall stay where we need to be, when we need to stay, and be open to doing and being and sharing all that we can to guide ourselves and each other into the deepest roots of love that we are prepared to become.
.
Do this now.
.
Surrender yourself now, in your mind, into your own heart, which is already, and has always been, of her essence. Allow the brain, and its daunting gifts to this world, to humble itself to the world herself, and the path of love shall open even deeper to you, and you shall make choices that are this much more of our very finest nature. For we are needed. Our love is the divinity of a new age.
.
Be it. Choose this now.
.
We are needed.
.
If you are an artist, make your art in each moment. Begin now. We are asked to create love in the face of all fear and pain. If a storm tears down my home, I shall dance in the grass. If a fire burns down my store of food, I shall make music in the ashes. For that which we create in our souls is what shall surround us and those we love. We ripple through the minds of those who are changing by our side, and makes all more fully prepared to be born anew.
.
Make love, and keep making love in the face of all fear. Begin now, and do not stop save to rest in joy. Joy for the love that we all long to be. And we are called, we are begged, to keep making it, to ease the changes. to live the prayer that the pains be loved into peace, the devestations sink back into the earth and the sands of time, and the flowers of our hearts shall sprout, and keep living long past what we can anticipate.
.
See in the eyes of those you know, and those you watch, the choices they are making. Feel in your body the ripples of the vibrations that everyone creates. If beings are choosing fear, allow them to. If those you love choose fear, speak your peace, and walk away. For arguments shall not birth love, and anger breeds itself. If you encounter either, be them, feel them, and let them go. Make love, and keep making love, in all ways you can.
.
Care for your body. Begin now. Now for this is your sacred gift and connection to this world. It is from the strength of the balance we create in our body that our love may rise and ripple through our shared body Gaia.
.
Gaia, I am Gaian. Protect me in the days and years ahead. Guide me to peace and safety, to open myself to your calling, and to align my dreams with yours. May I be joy and creative love in the face of whatever changes come. May the seeds I carry in the Garden of my heart sprout wherever they may grow well, of true balance, where humans remember our self, become anew... And learn to be reborn as Angels.
Gaia, Into your hands I commend my spirit."

Emptiness.

No matter the affirmations, no matter the examination of my situation, a feeling of complete emptiness continues to drag me into the depths of hell. This emptiness can only be alleviated through intimacy and physical touch. It is obvious that I am going to have to start frequenting the bath house and other gatherings where I can meet others who are able to touch me and hold me and talk to me and reassure me that I am loved. There is a CMG pool party on Saturday and I plan to attend that. I joined a yahoo group, Naked San Diego, and they have lots of social events that I can attend. (I love the sunshine!). I look forward to meeting others at these events. I intend to have physical, mental, and emotional intimacy.

It's Jesse's Birthday!


I have often mentioned that I knew immediately upon meeting Jesse and his husband for the first time that our lives were somehow intertwined. It is said that we should follow our Bliss in order to find ourselves. This includes paying close attention to attractions to others. Sexual attraction is the energy of creation itself. I knew that these two people shone like beacons in a storm, and the more I interact with them, the more my consciousness expands. That first instinct was correct, and I am forever honored to have been able to pursue a continued relationship with these two people. It is through our shared love that I have been able to finally locate and to connect with the Love that permeates us all, and which connects all beings to All That Is. I remembered.
.
Early in our relationship, whenever I was fortunate enough to be present with Jesse, and the vast majority of the time Michael would also be present, but not always, I had some very amazing experiences that involved time travel, out-of-body experiences, seeing myself and these two men in other planes of existence, cheering each other onward, and celebrating our reconnection. After about two and one-half years, I can now look back upon it all and say without hesitation that they had a soul agreement with me to help me see my way out of the place I inhabited due to my mental constructs, and to reconnect with my Divinity. (It can also be expressed that they are different facets of myself). I am now 100% on the path toward living in the current moment in a State of Bliss, and during each moment thinking good thoughts that will help me to create a better future. The circle is complete. What I was seeking outside myself when I came to California appeared, but not where I expected. It is inside.
.
I am now happy to be able to study subjects that fascinate me, and am thrilled to experience days that are full of joy instead of misery and dread. Jesse's presence in my life has been a great learning experience. Early in our relationship when I could see us cheering each other onward from some other realm, I not only saw my own growth and happiness, but also saw that I would be as great a force for change in his life as he has been in mine. Now, I intend to continue to provide unconditional love and support for him so that he can, at his own pace, see into the mirror that our relationship provides and continue the same journey, the journey we are all on, to find our true purpose and ultimate happiness in life.
.
I love and treasure you.
.
Happy Birthday, my friend!
.
Come see me when you can Thursday after work or Friday and I will give you a present. And I'll look forward to going to dinner with all of you on Friday.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Speaking of counting blessings...

...every time I am about to go effin nuts, here comes my friends Michael and Jesse dragging me to the hot tub or coming to give me hugs and kisses, or some other day brightening thing. Whether I go for 1 or 2 or 5 or 10 days between seeing them, they always cheer me up. Now that's what I call a blessing.

Do it just for today

http://www.rainspirite.com/

It has often been said;
I did not know
what I had
until I lost it.
For today,
take a moment
to count
all your blessings.
Do It Just For Today!

FULL MOON IN AQUARIUS SECOND LUNAR ECLIPSE 6TH AUGUST

Wow I am not the only one that felt this energy. New croop circle reported, lots of channels and astrologers chiming in -

look on the following link at the bottom right column of the page
http://www.evenstarcreations.com/3eclipses09.htm


"This Lunar Eclipse the third eclipse is the celebration, the Solar Eclipse as most of you would of felt was intense. We were given huge energies and opportunities to cleanse and transmute, and now we are coming through the other side. The doorway into the light, some of you may feel your bodies differently now, they may feel more fluid, lighter and move easier even though you may not have been doing much exercise or yoga, your body is lighter because you are lighter.
We are now able to see where we have come from. Over these eclipses it’s also been a time of reviewing your life and aware of all the dramas that you create in order to keep playing duality, but its takes a lot of energy and now we have no more energy for the old paradigm dramas, its into the new. You are probably thinking how can you still operate in the old world, will you cannot without a lot of energy and struggle, it is falling away as the light illuminates from within each of us. So of course the old beliefs and patterns hold no more substance as they are seen for the illusion they are, and also the gift they are."

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Getting hot in the kitchen? Has anyone else noted that they are somehow stuck at a ceiling of our experience?

Greetings from the Divine Feminine Sat 8-9-09 11:45 p.m.
.
You shall review the past 16-20 weeks and surely observe yourself experiencing an expanded counsciousness, as it is apparent from our perspective. You should be aware of the very intense energies right now as they are magnifying every effect of your reality especially in the past 5 days as you have actually noticed reality warping. You should feel an intense dissonance between your human self and your higher self, consciously or unconsciously, which can feel as all of the negative spectrum of emotions, from loneliness and depression to hostility, aggression, victimization, detachment, disbelief; also the shadow side of intense hope almost elation, but you are not willing to accept elation en masse just yet, a feeling of growing much older, a feeling of time going much faster, a feeling of being generally speaking much warmer, whether or not the actual physical realm is warmer or not, a general feeling of exhaustion, unrest, of being aware of things from a new perspective, but have no idea how or why you arrived at this point, in the situations you found yourself in, or a general sense of discomfort without the pleasure of knowing all these details, or an increase in your awareness of or of the increase in frequency at which you experience high-pitched tones or ringing in the ears, and perhaps even that you have reached a blockage in your ability to fully orgasm and to connect with the cosmos even as that ability increased dramatically for you during the past 20 weeks as well.
.
The more aware a person is, the more incredible the changes on planet earth are at this time. These feelings are the labor preceding the Cosmic Birth of the New Age, the Golden Age, the Enlightenment, the Rapture, the Quickening, the Singularity, or whatever term that you choose. You eagerly anticipate the pending birth, but are also terrified because it means being out of your usual environment with no knowledge of what to do, how to function, or whether you will be up to the challenge. You have received lots of training and exercises concerning opening the heart chakra, of magnetically tuning into the core of your planet. You should have been able to observe this clearly in your interactions with both yourselves and with others by now. Only decisions made from the heart chakra will feel right to you now, and you will feel much confusion and challenge concerning decisions right now due to these fears of what earth will be like after the Birth of Unity Consciousness worldwide.
.
You should be able to feel or sense visually the spin factor in the universe now, as it is accelerating as you approach this black hole/wormhole/other planet/photon belt, Galactic Center, or whatever you want to call it - they are one and the same. The increase in electromagnetic energy is the beginning of the blast-off from your male-energy dominated planet, and you are now beginning to actually feel the increase with your senses and your perception of reality. The heat is on. This will continue to increase right up to the time that you are blasted through the center of this process as pure male creative energy being thrown into that which is receptive, loving, comfortable, cooperative, all-accepting, nurturing, where you will become incredible beings that you were meant to be. The more aware you are when this occurs, the more you will be present in the New Reality as the Divine Masculine, as you complete the integration of the Divine Feminine into your current realm. In other words, if your intention is aligned with the highest good for everyone concerned, your creative power of manifestation will increase exponentially, and is directly proportional to the opposites, intentions of service to self will lead to destruction and pain and separation.
.
If you can imagine the stress of life on this planet if things get much worse, then you can also imagine the release of this after the worst has passed and it starts to get better.
.
You should all be experiencing situations that seem stuck, especially situations that used to not take so long at all to manifest change. Employment, for example, you may have been feeling stuck in employment and earnings capacity in some time, while at the same time witnessed some of the most heinous behavior of those among the most rich and powerful. You know that change is coming fast, but can't yet see from which direction. You yearn for transformation of the current state of affairs on your planet.
.
None of these feelings are accidental. Your fear-based buttons are all getting pushed at the same time. We know it is not comfortable, and applaud you as you reach for even higher realms, after already having gone higher than ever before in a single human lifetime.
.
Some of you may have just begun to realize that your "timeline" of synchronous events, in which you had confirmed the synchronous events that you had followed, (defining the period(s) or events in your lives during which you were divinely guided and made a decision(s) with your heart center) you may have just begun to realize or perhaps recently experienced an events (s) that allowed you too see that the chain of synchronous events began and started and will end before and after your births and deaths, and that you most certainly did come here for a purpose. There is no doubt that you are infinite beings of light and that your higher self is already inside you, waiting for you to connect to it.
.
Know that you are loved and supported, and request assistance whenever you feel it is necessary, do not allow yourself to stay in any mood of despair for one moment - you will receive the necessary assistance just by asking for it. There is no giving up now!
.
David, as inspired by the Divine 8/9/09

"Your ‘normal’ reality is so far from Reality that it is beyond belief!"

entire message here
http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=471456
.


"You have convinced yourselves that you are sinners, unworthy of God’s love. Nothing could be further from the truth than this mad thought."
.
You know that I would never ever in a million years shove my belief systems down anyone's throat. And why would I want to? I've been on the other end of that stick, and I know that I would be inviting more of that if I did the same. No, thanks! But, during my studies I do find things that have such power when I read them, as though God was speaking to me directly, and these insights help me balance my depressive mood much better than if I do not continue the study or did not have them. And so, I would naturally want to share them with everyone, and so I post a lot of stuff here, simply with the intention that I hope that the elated feeling that I feel when I post these items is transferred to the reader. I hope that the reader can have access to the absolute center of his higher-self, and can feel the Bliss promised to us when we transition away from this plane onto the next, if only for a moment! It is the only thing that keeps many of us here, I assure you.
.
Some of the sources could be and have been described as no different from any religion, and I can totally see that. Since I can totally see every perspective about every single thing with the exception of those involved in my soul's journey and the lessons I am supposed to be learning this time around, I also know that I cannot escape that criticism.
.
The truth of the matter is that once upon a time, I completely renounced God - I can't remember exactly why - because of my disability and deformity and pain, or my parents' stupid divorce drama (complete with the fear of being kidnapped by one or the other parent! - telling these stories about abductions to us children (and that fear was constantly portrayed in the media also with all the child abduction stories by the other parent broadcast all over the place. Is that really necessary?). So yeah my feelings of insecurity and fear partially come from before my birth and are other people's ideas, but then, as I experienced my own life through these lenses provided by others and saw all those things for myself, I then had my own memory bank of fears to consider, which of course produces anxiety on the unconscious level.
.
So when, as an adult, I continued to have paranormal experiences above and beyond what could be perceived by the five senses, I began to question how I was getting this information. I began with the scientific study of empathy, the idea that a person can detect emotions and thoughts of other people, by some means other than physicality, and I began a relentless quest to find out what in the hell was I doing on this planet. I knew from the deepest part of my being that this was not Home, and that I had experienced life with other beings somewhere else, which is in many ways the exact opposite of life here on earth. Since my earliest memories.
.
Imagine my surprise to find out that my favorite subject in college was physics, but I never took more than the intro courses designed to fill a degree requirement. So here I am, 15 or more years later, finding out the same thing about all the information available to me today as a result of the internet - physics! But here's the kicker - physics has merged with metaphysics in the last couple of years - and it is so interesting to me that I read and read and read as much as I can to try learn as much as I can about the two subjects and their histories.
.
So I don't really care so much about criticism, because my studies began from the scientific perspective, and if God showed himself to me in that process, who am I to argue?
.
So, back to the intention of these posts - I share this info with the intent that anyone reading be given the same Bliss, the same level of release, the same comfort that I get when reading the words or seeing the videos - whether it be a scientist, a philosopher, a historian, or a channeler, as I begin to understand that all these are related in that they are all searching for literally the same thing - from a different perspective. My cousin used to say, "Opinions are like assholes - everybody has one." We must all take what resonates with us and leave the rest behind as we come into our own understanding of the world in which we live.
.
I guess the next thing I will write about will be my new perspective about the nature of the current moment, the idea that we can see every next possible moment (into infinity) if we choose to. Because I have never encountered this perspective in any thing I have seen or read, and I think it must be coming from my higher self. The idea that we have emotions related to what we believe life would be like in those other realities that begin in the infinite number of possibilities for the next moment, some of which we can see into very far, because we can see into each of the realities that begin with one of the possbilities that exist of the next moment, and then guess the next moment from that perspective, and then the next, and then the next, much farther into the alternate realities than we would like to believe that we can. So, the idea that we might be having an anxiety about an issue that is raised in another reality is completely foreign to us. But the truth of the matter is that every current moment has only Bliss,. and the rest is made-up stuff from the collective fears and anxieties and every other emotion that we react to unconsciously as a result of being able to see so far into the infinite futures available to all. I don't know why the idea that we can react to situations in other realities is such an odd concept, because we very consciously and overtly express anger and love and all sorts of other emotions from alternate realities, so why could we not be anxious or fearful or worried, or any other emotion, good or bad. Of course we can. And, everyone finds the distinction between reality and fantasy a little bit blurry. That is one of the lessons that we are supposed to be learning, that the two are distinct, and that we sometimes impose a quality or emotion that arises from other realities into our current physical reality, the one we live in inside our physical bodies, and declare that our point of view is true, but guess what, all of our point of views are true, or perhaps none of them are true, whichever way you want to offer connotations buried in the positive and negative charge of that statetement. Yes, language is also positive and negative, and you might find the means by which your reality is created by examining the conscious and unconscious expressions and ideas that are present in your oral and written communication. Any serious student of this subject is continuously amazed at how much we are programmed individually and en masse.
.
We are complete, as it is said by trance channelers.
.
LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.
Literally.

from "A guide to living from Inner Wisdom" by Penney Peirce

"Many people are also seduced by paths to higher knowing where a neat and tidy doctrine is laid out for them by a powerful parental figure like a church, a guru, a shaman, a spaceship commander from Arcturus, or a teacher claiming to be a high priest of the Order of Melchizedek. Knowing just what rule to follow in every circumstance is a relief if you don't trust your own intuition. But going too fast, skipping from method to method, and settling for answers you had no part in originating can leave you open for a bad spill.

The first phase of the spiritual path, including the intuitive way, is to subject yourself to a scrupulous and ongoing character assessment. Here's where so many of our perceptual mistakes are made. We are tripped up by what were unconscious about. Removing fear from our thoughts and behaviors is not a particularly pleasant or speedy job. In fact, most people do everything possible to avoid facing their dark side, and when they do, they'd like to think that one quick pass through the underworld will clinch it. If you've been working with clearing your subconscious mind, you know that we cycle around many times to dissolve hundreds of large and small interrelated confusions and blockages. It takes great ongoing compassion for yourself - and patience - to become clear. No amount of magical thinking, talking the good talk, or blindly following someone else's rules will do the trick."
"You get a clue about your blind spots by first noticing hypocrisy, ambivalence, or double-talk in others. If you are triggered by issues you see in others, the same thing may exist in you but in a different form."

Archangel Michael for August 2009 OMG

"The most intense effect of these changes has been felt in the new “rewiring” between the second and the fourth chakras, the Sacral Chakra and the Heart. Any “stuck” or repressed energy that is being held in the emotional field has been blasted out with the surge of Diamond Light through the energetic system. This has meant that many of you have had to deal with emotional issues that have been repressed or only partially processed. Please do not feel discouraged in you feel sad, depressed or angry. This is a process of deep clearing or purging that is aligning the sexual or creative energies with the Heart."
It is as though he is speaking directly to me, so that must mean it seems that way to everyone else as well.

OMG message from the Angels

"Message from the Angels--------------------------------------------------------------------My dear friends, we love you so very much. Take a breath, even in your most challenging moments, and remember who you are. No matter what is occurring you are eternal souls. No matter what challenges you face, you are connected to the source of all life, and all abundance. No matter what pains you feel, these are simply areas where you don't remember God's love. No matter what dear ones, you will end up in the loving arms of your creator once you learn to accept this truth.:"

full message here
http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=471194

How are YOU making decisions?

"Fulfillment and inner peace does not happen because life is perfect. It unfolds moment by moment as you embrace and appreciate the fullness of your experience. What causes struggle and blocks you from experiencing complete joy is your desire for people and things to be different than they are."
You have to pull your ego out of every situation that you want to make a decision about. Ego-based decision making means "the grass is always greener," but we all know that this is fallacy.

ONLY YOU ARE RESONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.

That is not to say that during difficult times, you should not require assistance, because assistance is always helpful.

Mike Quinsey channel

"If you can achieve a state where you can give out Unconditional Love at all times, you will surely have success and in no way can you fail."
"You are in charge of your destiny, and totally responsible for your actions. This is an absolute fact and although there may be other influences at work, you alone are solely answerable for what you do. As you become more aligned with the Light, you will find your thoughts and actions are automatically inspired by your Higher Self."

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=471023

Who do you think these chaneled beings are talking to? ALL OF US.

LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

Second smoke-free-day.

It is so easy with this Smokestik gadget that fools your brain because it is just like smoking! I even use it way less during the day than I thought I would.
Stopped coughing.
Can't sleep at all.
Colonic irrigation two days in a row (or maybe one day in between) was incredible.
Letting go of emotions and cellular memories, shifting the DNA and making my cells actually lighter and less dense.
Unable to orgasm second day, unless I get lucky later.
.
The general increase in my level of awareness in the past couple weeks has culminated with the ability to see into the mirror that every person and thing in your life provides, very clearly, and it can be scary and disturbing. Forgiveness of self and others is so necessary.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Signposts of Fifth-Dimensional Consciousness

Some who are already traveling into fifth-dimensional consciousness still hold uncertainties and doubts that make it difficult to fully acknowledge this is happening. To help you recognize those moments when you are more closely attuned to the broadcast of the New Earth, we offer here some signposts of fifth-dimensional consciousness:

1) A sense of inner peace and joy "for no reason at all."

2) A feeling of expansion and unlimited possibility.

3) A belief that everything that has ever happened in your life is part of divine perfection. This allows you to release all feelings of victimhood and take 100% responsibility for everything in your life.

4) A feeling of love and compassion for every aspect of yourself, which you naturally extend to all others.

5) The perception that you are abundant and able to call upon the vast unlimited resources of the universe.

6) A sense of purpose that is aligned with your highest vision.

7) A desire to heal and grow and assist others with this process.

8) An ethic of stewardship aimed at respecting and protecting all kingdoms on Earth -- animal, plant and mineral. This grows from a respect for the spark of life force in all forms.

9) The ability to transform every situation you encounter. This acknowledges the unlimited powers of your being and helps you see through the illusion. From this place of clear-seeing, you’re able to view the world around you through the eyes of Spirit.

10) The activation of advanced intuitive abilities such as clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience, claircognizance, and telepathy. These gifts allow you to tune into the transmissions of your higher self.

11) A surrender to the divine will of the universe that allows greater alignment with universal laws and the highest good of all.

12) A willingness to release the past and open to the new. As you grow, you’re able to jettison old scenarios but retain understandings gained through creating them. This allows you to step free of old identities and adopt new ones you need to grow and learn.

Recognizing and embracing the signposts of fifth-dimensional consciousness helps you home in on the broadcast of the New Earth. This allows you to further entrain your consciousness to this new and expanded time. As you further align with fifth-dimensional consciousness, the broadcast you send out to the world becomes more aligned with the essence of the New Earth. This draws you into communion with others who are waking up and tuning in, and with those who share your purpose of shifting human consciousness to this new octave.

As those who have volunteered to anchor these energies unite, the frequencies of the New Earth become ever more accessible, ushering in the new and expanded possibilities of this “golden age.”

Excerpt from The Future is Here Now: Steps to Accessing Fifth-Dimensional Consciousness By DL Zeta

Friday, August 7, 2009

August Stargate

Holy crap this describes my experience EXACTLY including the day I was napping but could not sleep and perceived that the separation in my mind due to my split brain was now merged - and that the awareness level was different now. WOW.

http://snoedel.punt.nl/?r=1&id=470976

More Father issue notes...

OK now it's REALLY getting interesting. I have no emotions against my father; I mean I did rage for a long time in my 20's, but eventually pulled out of that. I forgave myself, as well, because he chose our path, I could not derail him, he was the adult, I was the child, I did what I could to try to communicate with him, he wanted something else, OK, got it. No problem.
.
I perfectly understand that if I had not gone through those experiences, I would not be the person that I am sitting here today.
.
Therefore, where I thought that I began following a series of synchronistic events in about 1996, I can now trace the line all the way back to my BIRTH. Isn't it obvious? We DO chose what parts we will play for each other and what lessons we want to learn and the roles we will play on earth, prior to coming here, and then MAYBE, FINALLY, we then reach the point of complete Unity Consciousness. Glory Be!
.
The "event horizon" as Nassim calls it will be when the collective consciousness reaches this point, and it should not be much longer now. I have seen the entire process evolve before my very eyes in the past 5 years, alongside my own greater levels of understanding of my spiritual nature.
.
Some of us volunteered to go to some pretty dark places, because we knew that our empathy would be needed in order to help others out of some of the messes they were getting into as their paths evolved differently than originally planned, or because our knowledge of the dark was needed to be able to better communicate what the light is, since by knowing its opposite you can more clearly define it piece by piece, as every word in the dictionary and every circumstance imaginable is given an opposite and its definition, due to a direct experiece of a human being.
.
And the time is NOW! We were called to active duty for the ascension in July. I fell into the mens' group not even knowing what I was getting into, then resisting the FIRST topic, which led to all these revalations - the final puzzle pieces for me to begin to completely understand and be present in the current moment, bringing Heaven to Earth, literally - my spirit is now fully conscious on the surface of the planet, which means my entire life experience is going to change now, OMG.
.
HOW could it GET any BETTER than THIS?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

The astrologists and channelers continue to write about the profound energy available to us to clear our emotions and heal. I can tell you that my experience has been no different. As I recall, within the past 3 weeks, I have been absolutely suicidal, actually told Goddess that I was ready to leave the planet, only to be visited by an entity (while awake!) that evening who told me that I was not going anywhere, and showed me a sneak preview of what was coming so that I would agree to stick around and continue my mission. I bounced off that a little bit, and continued to do energy work, and then a channeler named Veronica (posted a couple days ago) showed me that I have NOT been fully present in each moment, as I thought I had been for several months now. No - there was still brain chatter holding me back, but now I have tasted a glimpse of what it is to live on the other side of that veil, away from all mental chatter, and how it will improve my life.
.
So it turns out that I closed my heart chakra as a small child, and always avoided contact with most men the entire time I was growing up, and even to this day, because of physical, verbal and emotional abuse by my father and teenagers older than me, at the church no doubt. My father was violently angry, or absent. When he finally divorced my mother, it was a relief. I was not socialized by or with men, I was totally afraid of mens' aggression and physical abuse toward each other, and certainly did not play sports or any such thing. I always had a very innate connection with the Divine Feminine energy instead, cooperation, nurturing, etc.
.
So anyway, it was Michael and Jesse who became the first men to treat me with an open heart, with respect, with affection, and this brought me out of complete withdrawal from society in general, and led to the continued work that I have been doing to clear emotions etc. I became extremely attached to them.
.
So now I have unraveled an emotional energy block that has caused much destruction in my life, and that I hope I can reverse before it is too late. I closed my heart chakra and started smoking to isolate myself from people and to protect myself from agression, as the smokers were much more subdued and easygoing than the non-smoking religious right wingers that I grew up with. It worked. I've been single and alone my entire adult life. But now I have the opportunity to create something new, by going out there and living in each moment and making appropriate choices based upon what is true RIGHT NOW, rather than based on my brain chatter.
.
Thanks boys! You continue to be such an inspiration for me to do my emotional clearing work, and I know it is difficult on us, and I love you so much for hanging in there anyway rather than walking away.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The mission appears.

I am continually amazed by the cycle between emotional lows during clearing work, A.K.A. depression, and the intervening increased states of awareness and Bliss. I am surprised that society has not begun to look at this in a different manner by n0w. Those of us who experience this do have something to contribute to the world dialogue. I have never so clearly experienced it like the peeling of an onion layer until recently, when I saw something in my mental chatter that was causing me difficulty. It is so interesting to be exploring the infinite areas of consciousness itself.
.
Nassim Haramein's latest video explained in a way that for the first time, I (like most people, I guess), was able to perceive what he was explaining mathematically, that a finite boundary enclosed by a sphere has infinite space, and that the two terms work together in a complimentary manner, instead of just being an example of opposites, as I have always considered them to be. So every "dot" contains the entire universe and all of the energy in the vaccuum. The change between one dimension and another is the level of the fractal scale, which would be the next larger or smaller dynamic in our current universe. Quarks, photons, neutrons, electrons, then up to the next fractal level at the molecular level, then on up into organized compounds, and the details of the "matter" that makes the world we touch, small, see, and feel, and hear. The next level we observe is individual organisms that live within this material plane from the single cell, up the plant and animal kingdoms, then finally to humans. We can observe fractal levels above us as well, with our planetary system, solar system, galactic system, and the observable universe made of celestial bodies. It is an incredible change in my concept of the visual constructs of my interpretations and beliefs about the makeup of the physical world and how things work. The study of the science of physics, now coming together with philosophy and religion, is my study of passion. They are going to change the way we think about ourselves, our existence here, in the most dense material plane to be inhabited by life forms, our purpose, our potential, and how this dimension will appear after we are able to awaken everyone.
.
Nasssim says, in the 3rd dimension, everything we observe is the result of the half of the dynamic which is male in nature, active, radiant, destructive, transformative, and all of our systems are based on this way of thinking. But, there is a female half of the dynamic which is what we don't observe, the contractive, imploding side, which is the vacuum itself, where all points of the universe are connected.
.
From this model of the universe, that every spherical boundary is a black hole that contains infinity, we suddenly become very aware that we are indeed different facets of the same consciousness looking at itself from within the different fractals we each experience within the boundary of our physical body. There is no "me." There is no "you." There is no "other." We are truly One singular awareness, who agreed to descend into this dimension in order to anchor the feminine half of the equation into this plane. Once we are able to do that, the random nature of our physical world will no longer be random because we will have learned how to manipulate it instantly, and we will always choose consciously from the current moment based on what is true, rather than based upon what is in some story in our head. Literally, bringing heaven to earth. Maybe it is my duty or mission to assist putting this new knowledge into written and verbal communication forms - I did just ask for my mission to be revealed to me the other day, after all.
.
I detect energy blockages in my body that need to be addressed, with movement. Hot tub stretches. Massage. Intimacy. I am very curious to uncover when it was that I shut down my heart chakra, now that I know what it is like for it to be open. Then maybe I could clear the emotions and automatically awaken with it open each day, rather than go days or more at a time before I even know what is going on. Incredible! Something else Leti can help me with - I am going to consult with an intuitive woman in the POETS group (well, Light Bearers now), because I want her to help me structure a day and maybe the order in which to do specific things upon awakening and then through the day so as to get the energy flowing as soon as possible daily. I want to devote as much time as I am able into learning how to bring practical applications of this new knowledge base that is sweeping the planet.
LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.

Monday, August 3, 2009

One year ago today...

Guess who is contacting me again, reminding me that I agreed to do a mission at this time on this planet to assist the evolution of consciousness...
Let me describe that channeling experience, briefly. I have a very strong connection to the Divine Feminine generally speaking, but have only had two deep trance channels to date with her, of which this was the first. I was lying on the beach at the time, face up, basking in the sunlight, and I could see inside my mind's eye that it was my body that was speaking the words, but they were not coming from me. I actually could observe myself speaking these words, and I did, quietly, aloud, as if I were present, but listening to her speak, yet I was doing the speaking. Very odd - I soon expect much more of this activity to begin and hope to have the opportunity to demonstrate - I have explicitly informed her earlier this morning, completely unaware that it had been one year exactly since her first contact with me, that it is my intention to begin to get on with my mission now, and have asked that it be revealed to me, and so now here we are.
LOVE TO ALL, JUDGMENT FOR NONE, FOR WE ARE ONE.
Find the point of the singularity in your own heart. Create a situation that makes you overcome with Joy, like crying at a movie or when a song is playing, or about a happy memory, something that ignites your nervous system and you get chills all over. That is the point where we are all connected to every other point in the Universe, including each other. That is the energy that we are going to have to learn to hold in order to use the free energy devices that are about to be unleashed on the planet. To use them without purity of heart for the highest good of all concerned is to cause immediate self-destruction. Other persons with whom you have shared this feeling, literally been in their presence during the feeling, are especially important to you at this time.